Ouch! That Hurt My Ego!

In my last post I talked about not only fearing, but expecting rejection, and another recent post I spoke about feeling almost depressed, and needing a break.

I think I see a pattern here.

In sharp contrast to me almost rock solid confidence in the recent post about letting go of preconceived notions of limits post I wrote just a few weeks ago I see a decline in mood. I see a decline in energy, which shakes my confidence up, leaving me feeling like maybe I don't got this.

I'm noting my ego is easily bruised by things that I usually would just let slide. I'm sensitive. My physical body is ill. My stomach is in knots,

My Autistic Son's Generous Spirit

When you here the word autism, the characteristics of sharing, love and compassion isn't always the first things to spring to mind.  I will admit not everyone on the autism spectrum possesses these character traits, but being autistic doesn't preclude one from excelling in the caring department.

I'd like to brag a little bit about my son Bubby, who is 11 and diagnosed with classic autism.  I think he displays a lot of positives traits everyday,

Choices +Actions= Values A simple way to explain values to teens

I sat in the living room listening to my husband have a frank chat with our daughter last night about some of her recent behaviors last night.  I didn't intervene. I let him take the wheel.  This, I knew to be beneficial for them.  I don't always need to be the enforcer or the one who is solving the problems.  The issue is, if I am letting him solve them, I have to respect his process, which is often different than mine.  I may not have gave up that much control with Bubby, because he doesn't always understand Bubby the way I do. However, CJ is her father's daughter, for sure.  She may look like me, but she has his personality.  He understands her in ways I do not, as well as can read between the lines in ways I don't know how to.

There was a point I wanted to make, though. I did exercise all of my self control to not interject it.  I kept it 100% to myself, until now, because I will likely share this with them. lol

That point is:

There is no good or bad.  There are only choices. You make choices based at any given moment about what you value. Your values are not what you believe is right or wrong.  Your values are what you express by your actions. 

Right now, I am choosing to blog while I have lunch, instead of eating quickly and getting to my housework.  My actions are saying that, to me, in this moment , I value this blog over the 20 minutes I could be spending elsewhere.  It's not right.  It's not wrong.  It just is.  I will have consequences for that. Some positive,ie, I may help my daughter or someone else understand themselves, their choices and what matters to them most. Their are negative possible consequences,ie; I may not get everything that I need to done today.  By choosing this I am choosing those consequences.  Both the good and the bad.  Those were my choices, those are my consequences for my decisions and I am responsible for them.  We all do this everyday.  Every decision we make is a reflection of what we value and we have the ability to change more about our lives than we ever imagined if we stop and make our choices mindfully.  What we eat, what we wear, what we say, what we share, what we keep, these are all reflections of who we are and what we value. We aren't the past, or the future.  The only thing we can control is the present and we do that with our actions.

When I think of this concept part of the lyrics from The Dark Side Of The Moon-Eclipse come into my mind as an example of what I mean:

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

Why Spanking Is Harmful

It seems that a week can't go by where there isn't some thread on a public page on Facebook where people are voraciously arguing over Corporal Punishment.  From what I have gathered those for it are in the minority. You might not know it, based on their reactions, but I always find that to be a good indication of how valid one really think their opinion is. If I know my actions are noble I won't feel the need to get over the top defensive if someone doesn't agree with me. I don't need them to tell me I am right, or agree with me to feel validated. If I feel confident in my own decision, then I will be able to have a civil debate about why I think the way I do and be okay if I can't sway the other party to my 'side' as it were.

So, what does science say about spanking? One recent study showed a clear association with

 "the proportion of illnesses such as depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse as well as personality disorders that may be attributable to physical punishment".

 Another states

" Despite American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations to the contrary, most parents in the United States approve of and have used CP as a form of child discipline. The current findings suggest that even minor forms of CP, such as spanking, increase risk for increased child aggressive behavior. Importantly, these findings cannot be attributed to possible confounding effects of a host of other maternal parenting risk factors."

Those are just a couple of the studies that have shown that spanking isn't beneficial to any child for any reason, for any age. I can't find one study that says it is. If you have one, please share it with me. The interesting thing to me is, even though it is not recommended by any expert that knows anything about child development, the studies say parents continue to do it anyway.  This leads me to believe that we don't have enough information and know how to discipline differently. As humans we do what we know, even if it's not effective. We're creatures of habit and tradition.


My other issue with hitting kids (and make no mistake anytime you spank your child it IS by definition hitting them) is that it's illegal to hit anyone else, so why are children not afforded the same right?  If your spouse, neighbor, or waiter pisses you off you aren't allowed to hit them. Even if they lie to you, steal your stuff, or otherwise do something off the wall morally wrong. You are not allowed by law to hit them unless it's to defend yourself from harm. If you do, you can be arrested for assault. So, why is it okay to hit a little defenseless person?  What if you do it just enough to hurt them, and teach that neighbor of yours you mean business? Is that legal? No. So why is it legal to do it to a child. Hitting is hitting.

Before, all of you think that I am on my high horse, I will admit to using spanking a handful of times with my 2 oldest. I stopped, because it seemed not only ineffective, but it seemed to make their behavior worse. I set out to find another way. 

Different things work for different kids. All kids respond to some form of positive behavior reinforcement . Maybe, some need more redirection, frequent rewards and support than others, but they all respond to it.  No matter how stubborn, ornery, or different you think your child is, I guarantee you they will respond to some sort of positive behavior plan.  Everyone does. When we don't go to work our boss doesn't come over to our house and hit us. We simply pay the natural consequences of that decision.  I try to mirror that as much as I can with my kids. I try to relate any punishment or reward to the actual behavior itself.  If they don't do their chores, they won't get their stars on their chart, and they won't have money. The same with if we don't earn income. I don't buy them a lot of stuff. If they want toys and games, they have to earn it themselves. They don't throw fits at the store, because unless it's a special occasion they aren't expecting a toy. When I say no, I mean no. Every time, always. You throw a fit about my answer, you lose privileges. Consistently. I don't yell.  I don't threaten. I state my expectation and they know I mean what I am saying, because I am consistent in following through.  A lot of the time I see kids having bad behavior, because the parents reinforce it. Do you go back on previous no's, because you don't want to hear the whining? Do you let your child behave badly until you finally explode and yell, instead of getting the situation taken care of immediately?  Are you inconsistent on rules? Letting them sometimes do things that are against the rules, because it's easier for you in that moment, than to exert the energy to correct them?  When they fail to do something in real life, say at school, do you rush to bail them out, or do you let them handle the consequences of their own behaviors?

Conversely, when your children do something right, do you tell them? Eg; "great job making your bed, getting a good grade, helping a friend.."
Do you always stand up for them when it's warranted showing them that you have their back? Eg; The school is treating your special needs child in a way that is unfair, so you put your own feelings of shyness, busyness, ect... aside and take care of the matter.
Do you allow them times and space to be them, instead of micromanaging their time and activities?  Eg; allowing them time to watch tv and be on the computer without huge time constraints,  ect...
Do you allow them the individual freedom to choose, even if it's you don't agree with their decision (age appropriately, of course)? Eg; Allowing them to choose their own fashion, sports, friends, ect..

These are all examples of fostering a child's well being in a sense that allows them to feel good about themselves, and the world around them. When a child feels safe, secure and grounded they have the better tools to choose their behavior, rather than going on a series of impulsive reactions.

So, what is your preferred method of discipline? (Please note that I won't delete any comments, but I also won't respond to nasty ones, either)

And above all, please remember:

Punish the behavior, not the child!

Mindful Thinking-Day 6: Mom's Day Off

Mother's day was yesterday. I decided last week that I was wanting to try to take today (Monday) 'off'.  Not that I can turn off my whole entire schedule of mom responsibilities, but I can take a day where I do less and take some time to do stuff I enjoy.  My son seems to understand this more than I think most grown men! When he heard of my plans to take the 'off' he asked "Well, then who is going to do your work?" He understands that my work is vitally important and can't just be not done, or even put off to a major degree.  This is something that my husband didn't understand the first 10 years or so of marriage and motherhood, so I am amazed at Bubby's perception.

Yesterday, I took the extra help from my husband who did the cooking and did as much housework as I could squeeze in.  I arranged as much to be done and taken care of as possible, so today would be as relaxing as I can make it.  Laundry, dishes and vacuuming, done.  Well, as done as those things can get.  I may have to do some today, but not so much.  No errands to run, no meals to cook, just me allowing myself to relax before the kids get out of school on Wednesday.  Then, it's on.  Full time mom duty.  Blogging and ability to keep up with my favorite on-line activities is sure to decline.  I run my house on a very strict schedule, very much like a school.  I have a specific time for everything.  I may talk about that in a separate entry.

Last week, I also booked a massage for this morning, which was rescheduled by the office an hour before I was supposed to be there for this afternoon. I have never had a massage before, so I was nervous enough without the time change.  I have no idea what to expect and am thinking of doing a search to get an idea.  I need a social story about massages! lol It's not just that I don't know what to expect, or that I'm afraid I won't like all the touching (not sure how I'll feel about that) or that I'm afraid the therapist will want to talk the whole time, which I do not want, but I am having that guilt of spending money and time in ways that I feel are frivolous.  You see, I am cheap.  Notoriously, penny-pinching, over worrying, cheap, frugal, spendthrift, whatever you want to call it.  I don't like to spend money.  I especially don't like spending money on myself, when I know it's not something of necessity.  It is killing me to think about spending $70 on a massage.  Not something I can wear or see, or use.  A massage.

So, today I take on the challenge of being okay with doing something new, which is scary, but potentially very enjoyable, as well.  I have to take that breath feel the anxiety and jump in anyway.  If I don't I'll never know if I like it, I'll never have that experience and I'll miss out on the opportunity to grow.  For today's addition to the Mindful Series I am thinking that my willingness to try new things balanced with a healthy sense of hesitation, but getting through it in a positive way is a step in the right direction to where I want to be. 

Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking

The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure.  You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time?   That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.  

I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget.  It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful.  Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples.  I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier.  There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.

I'm thinking that I might write them down.  Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page?  Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see?  The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me.  That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.

For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance.  So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat.  The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions?  I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too.  I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live?  Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No.  I don't value being depressed and sad.  I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties.  I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?:  I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks.  I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be.  I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.

Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts.  In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise.  The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with.  The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.

Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day.  This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now.  I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair.  I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.

Inner Aspie to "I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers" - An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

Dear 'I Wish I Didn't Have Asperger's'


When I think of that statement I think about the times when I, myself, thought it.  My mind skips back years in time where my own journey wasn't always easy.  Those times, are hard to think of now.  I still have those times now where I think, just for a moment, that I wish I didn't have Asperger's. This letter may well be for me to reflect on during those moments as much as for others out in cyberpsace looking for some consolation.  This letter may be for my son, when he gets a little older and thinks 'I wish I didn't have autism' during his moments of inevitable struggle.

What would I like to say to the child that I once was and to other autistic children out there right now?  I'd like to remind them that the things that seem to huge now won't be in a few years.  I wish I'd known that when I was alone at recess, or picked last at PE everyday.  I'd tell them that it's okay to be an individual and pursue your own interests, instead of worrying if the other kids will approve.  I'd tell them, you will find a friend, a good one.  Just be patient. Do not accept 'friends' that treat you less than in order to have a friend. I'd say, you are good enough, just as you are. Repeat that to yourself until you know it to be true.  This will be the one thing, if any that I would make sure that I as a child would have known.  I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all.

What would I say to that awkward adolescent that I once was, and to the other autistic adolescents out there?  I'd tell them to just hold on.  I know it's hard right now. Being a teenager is hard for everyone, but even harder for us on the spectrum. I'd tell them that they'll get a chance to date and find love.  I know it can be lonely.  I know everyone else is telling you to be patient and the right one will come along.  I know you're tired of that cliche.  I know these words won't stop you from feeling lonely, but please let them soothe you some into knowing that it will happen.  It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next week, but please know that you will not be lonely forever.  If I had a way to tell my former teenaged self something, I'd have told myself to keep busy doing what I like, being confident with myself and the dates and friends would come naturally.  Fretting, obsessing and constantly trying to problem solve will make relationships harder to come by and quite possibly prevent them from happening in the first place.  Getting a boyfriend or friends is not like a math problem or crossword puzzle.  It can't be solved by intellectual thought.  It has to go through the natural stages to evolve.   I'd tell myself that I need to learn about meditation and find a good therapist to help me learn about emotions. I'd tell autistic teens that what others think don't matter as much as what you think of yourself.  Pay attention to keeping things in order on the inside and things on the outside will be much smoother.  Learn how to detect and handle your emotions.  This is not something that is firsthand for us.  It needs to be learned and is crucial to success.

I'd tell teens to take advantage of the internet.  The amount of support available is endless. Find other ASD teen to chat with.  Find ASD adults to mentor you.  We are here.  We've been where you are and understand.  We can help guide you and are more than happy to do so.  Don't post on Facebook or constantly tell your peers that you're lonely ect... This will have the opposite effect you are hoping for.  Find some online support group to confide in.

For young autistic adults, I'd tell them most of all, that it's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to not know things.  There is no shame in needing assistance.  Don't try to do everything on your own to prove that you can and to prove you're independent!  It takes a strong person to ask for help when they need it.  Don't drive yourself into the ground with anxiety and depression by trying to do it on your own.  Find support from somewhere.  Sometimes, with some of us, it won't be family.  We'll have to find it somewhere else.  Take advantage of disability services when and if you need them. 

What I would want any autistic person to know, is that being autistic is okay. Don't waste a minute of your life hiding away who you are trying to be someone you're not.  Do what you love, and love what you do. This will help instill pride.  Immerse yourself into positive actions and let that direct you to self worth.  Don't ever let the bullies in your life win by repeating their stories in your head through the years.  If you can't shut the stories off, get to therapy to help you.  Know, I mean really know that you have worth just as you are.  Be authentic.  Be compassionate with yourself.  You are going to have bad days.  You are going to have sensory issues and meltdowns.  Again, learn your body and emotions. It will give you a better opportunity to handle these things when they come up.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when these things happen. Remember:  " I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all ." That is your new mantra.  The world can be noisy and overwhelming. Sometimes, you might feel like it's all too much, or your heart literally aches with loneliness.  Please, remember that there's many of us that share your story or care very much.  We have autism, too, or children that are autistic, or friends, and family.  You're not alone. Reach out to us.  We're here.

The Undateables? Not quite.

Has anyone in the UK seen the show 'Undateables'?  I haven't, but from what I've seen I 'm still leaning toward the POV that it's voyeuristic and portraying the misinformed public opinion that disabled people are less than in the world of romance.  One thing I do see is that it is in the spot light and people are now talking about it.  That means that the general public is having to think about the generally accepted stereotype that people with disabilities are somehow not meant for love, relationships, and sex.  We can and we are, and do do those things.  People most often hate, or repel what they don't understand.  I am hoping this show can help everyday people empathize with disabled people in the way that they see they're not so different after all. It won't seem so odd anymore, thus removing some stigma.  Getting a discussion going, exchanging opinions and getting people really thinking can all be good things.  Humiliating vulnerable people that just want love is a where I'd see the show possibly being negative.

What's your opinion of the program?

What The R Word Means To Me & My Family

Today is the official pledge day for Spread The Word To End The Word so I thought I'd like to do an entry about the R word and what it means to me, and my family.

As most of my readers know, I have two sons on the spectrum.  Only one has an additional diagnosis of a cognitive delay. When Beans got this diagnosis at age two I assumed he may eventually grow out of it, or things might change.  The developmental pediatrician didn't really explain to me what this meant, other then he was delayed in all areas.  I didn't think too much about it at the time.  I accepted him as he was, autism and all.  Not a big deal.

Then one day about a year or so ago, I happened to be waiting with my kids in our regular pediatricians office.  It was a lengthy kind wait. My eyes drifted over to Beans chart on the counter.  It was considerably bigger than the other two kid's charts.  I couldn't help but wonder what was inside.  I assumed nothing of all that much interest.  I decided to peek.  I came across the developmental pediatrician's report. I quickly began scanning it with my eyes.  I quickly felt my stomach drop as I saw the words 'mentally retarded',  'challenged', 'significant' and 'functioning' peppered though out the report. I could hear the doctor's voice coming down the hall, so I only got a small sampling of words before quickly shutting the folder before she entered the room.  This was not the report the dev, pediatrician had sent me.  It was not it at ALL.  I knew my son was delayed.  I knew that he seemed different then all of the other kids with autism I've met, but I had not thought that he was tagged as with an intellectual disability.

That night, I told my husband about it.  He was nonplussed.  He said he understood that the the day we had left the office 5 years ago.  I guess the doctor had probably said it, gently, between the lines. Cushioning the truth the way many NTs like to have it.  I was not able to infer this truth. I was not in denial, but I was not fully aware of our circumstances, either.  It didn't really change much for me after the initial realization.  Beans is still Beans.

I know that when most people use the R word they are usually doing it in a way that is making fun of themselves.  I used to be one of those people. (Not proud of that, but there ya go.) I know that most decent people would never call a disabled person like Beans a derogatory name.  I know most people aren't that awful.  I also know that the language we use reflects on the people that hold certain labels and statuses in our society.  Think about it this way. Think about every time you might be tempted to use the R word.  Maybe you made a mistake and said "I'm so R worded."  Or maybe something looked funny, or didn't work, or was wrong, or was defective.  The R word = those things, and my son has an intellectual disability that technically means the R word.  What if your name was replaced with the R word.  What if when people saw something nonsensical they said "That's so ______"  (fill in the blank with your name.)  What would the public's perception of people named _____ be?  Would who you are be affected by this?  Would you like to be equated with all these 'bad' things?  What if people said to you, "but I didn't say YOU were dumb.  I said the X was dumb.  Why do you take things so personally?"  You would probably know that they DID say you were dm,b, bad, wrong whatever indirectly by using your name, who you are to describe something unwanted, or bad.  This is what this sort of language feels like to those that are intellectually disabled, and the people that love them.  This is why it's harmful.

I want to leave you with a short video that I took of my son last night.  I was playing one of his favorite games with him, peek a boo.  He just loves this game and could play forever.  His smile and laugh is incredible.  Think of this face every time you think of using the R word.  Think of who you are hurting with your language. He is none of those negative things. He is beautiful.



*Sorry for the poor quality of the video.  It's a new camera and I was just trying it out. 

Finding Me

I found this quote this morning as I plan out my day:

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

It seems to be apt to how I feel today.  How I feel often, as a matter of fact.  I've been trying to sort through so many things, a bad childhood, a unstable life, me, who I am, who I thought I was, or who I thought I should be...Now I am just trying to feel my way through life just being me, but then I'm not sure who that is or who it should be, or I want it to be.  

I think I know who I am.  I mean, my personality is pretty static.  My likes and dislikes don't change much.  I seem to be constantly trying to improve on my personality, though. Like, I try to figure out what is 'right' or more desirable by the world's standards, and I set out to be that characteristic.  I tweak, and change and try to be more 'normal' by other's standards.  What I found out was that not only was I miserable this way, but I also attracted people that would take advantage of my low self esteem.  I tended to attract people who wanted others that would mirror what they wanted.  I was good for that.  Gullible, and wanting to be someone, and to please anyone.  This set me up for many manipulative friendships.  (I'd say relationships, but guys always seemed to be more attached to me than the other way around.) I didn't care much for romance, but companionship, a place to feel cared for unconditionally, yes.  That I needed, and wanted. 

One of the characteristics that I find seem to cause issues that are a part of me personality is that I say what I think.  Stupidity and others not using their own brains gets me worked up. ( See this post for more info on that) I feel I have to point out their flaws in logic.  This is not from my vantage point always a friendly, likable trait.  It's one I've been working on fixing, but to no avail.  I have gained some valuable insight on having better manners while pointing out other's fallacies, as well as working on seeing their POV, so as I can discern why they might feel differently than I do about something, or why they choose to believe something that is so illogical.   Take for example, the picture of a frail child in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes that has been circulating Facebook.  The premise behind it is that if the picture gets 100 likes he gets a heart transplant.  While that would be grand, it's fucking idiotic.  As if children's hospitals biggest criteria to such serious transplants revolves around something to arbitrary as FB likes.  What if it only gets 89 likes? Is the hospital gonna be like 'Sorry kid.  No new heart for you. People on FB didn't care enough to save your life via thumbs up clicks. Guess you're gonna die.'   When I saw this, my head almost exploded.  I know that I should keep my pessimism to myself, but good lord... I just can't.   I commented, very matter of factly and calmly on the post in question that it didn't make sense.  Then, I worried endlessly (and still am to be honest) that I upset my great aunt.  My anxiety over if I was over the line in my commenting was for a reason.  This reason was, I value truth.  I value people thinking for themselves.  I value hard work that achieves a goal, not some feel good click or prayer that achieves nothing but relieves one's own conscience. When my emotions start screaming at me, I know it is because I am not living by my values.  I don't value keeping peace at any cost.  Nope.  I don't care about that as much as I care about fairness and truth.  I need to accept that aspect of myself, instead of trying to be someone I'm clearly not.


I can be me, or I can spend my life miserably trying to chase after a facade that I think is a better version of me.  Those are my choices.  There's  no way to change who I am, and really no need to.  The path to dissatisfaction, and unhappiness seems to be paved with low self confidence and a general dislike of self.  What I want for my life, for all autistic people (and non-autistics if I'm honest) is to be able to embrace life for what we are, not live in constant battles due to chasing what we have been told we 'should' be. If I want to be happy, if I want to be comfortable, if I want to be content, then I have to learn to like me, and value the traits I possess. 

The Public Face Of Autism

I don't have time for an incredibly well written, witty post.  With this kids still on holiday break and hubby at home the last few days my time has been spoken for.  I do however, have a small favor to ask everyone in the autism community.  See that picture above the post?  Stop using it as a stock photo for autism. Please, just stop.  It is degrading.  It is humiliating.  It is stigmatizing.  It is perpetuating stereotypes.  It doesn't represent autism.  It doesn't represent anything other than outdated, misconceptions of what autism was thought to be. I'm tired of seeing it attached to 1/3 of every news article, or otherwise information about ASD. Do you want people to treat your autistic child with respect, love and kindness? Sure you do.  We all want that for our kids. Then, please portray them as possessing those qualities and deserving those things. Insist that others use respectful images and words in association with autism.  No, this doesn't mean that Autism is a bed of roses and always should be spoken of as such.  Just remember you are the ones that are telling the world what it means to be autistic.  Ask yourself before sharing and speaking... is this a representation of how I want others to view my child/loved one?

                                         Thank you.

Choices

When I was a child I was watching an interview on TV.  I can't remember what show, or who it was being interviewed, other than it was a rock musician, but otherwise it's elusive.  One thing was said that really struck me and I have remembered it for the last 25 plus years.  The person being interviewed was talking about being a good person and how he comes to the conclusion of what constitutes good behavior, and generates good karma.

He said:
"What if everyone in the world acted like I am right now?  What kind of world would that be? What would society look like?  Would that be a world I'd like to live in?"

I thought that was such a powerful statement.  It was easy to understand and easy to apply.  I must've been about 8 when I heard it and understood exactly what he meant.  Sometimes, if I wanted to do something a little naughty as a child I'd think about what if everyone did that? Jumping on my bed... probably not a big deal if everyone in the world did that. (they may even have fun!) But, say I wanted to leave a mess in a public space, just me, just this once... It doesn't seem to be a big deal at that level of misplaced responsibility;ie someone else will clean it up.  But, if one is to think about what if everyone left a mess in Mcdonald's or the park?  What if everyone shirked their responsibility of what is fair and right, even in little issues?  That's very much how I sometimes decided what was important rules, and what was not that important.  It put things in perspective when it's easy to just tell yourself this or that won't hurt... no one will notice if I just....  Well, all those little actions (or inactions) add up accumulating into a bigger part of what makes our society.  We all have a responsibility to do the right thing all the time.  We all have to do our part, and step up to what's right.  We too often feel that we are small and don't can't make a difference.  That's not true.  Everyday, every choice you make, every word you use, every action you do, every time you choose to not do any of those things (because let's face it choosing to do nothing is still a choice) we make a difference, an effect on someone, or something somewhere.  How we use that power, or don't use that power is up to us.

New Thanksgiving Traditions

Today I'm thankful for:
* The food I cooked and ate.
*The kitchen I cooked it in.
*The family I cooked it for.
* The ability and skill to make nutritious and tasty meals for my family.
* The courage to finally make the holidays be about what my family needs and not worry about everyone else.
*The laughter that my family shared today.
*Beans, because today is his 8th Birthday. :)
*My husband and his unwavering love and support.
*CJ and all of her help around the house.
*Bubby, and his unique, authentic self.


As this Thanksgiving winds up and my 33rd birthday is right around the corner I feel that my life is opening to new and adventurous paths.  This is a time where I think that maturity of life sets in and we start to see things in a different light.  We begin to see life as more meanigful in less big ways.  We slow down just enough to see the past and and future from the vantage point of the present.  Love, marriage, children and the mortgage might have been had by now in our lives.  Some of those things might have been lost, too by now. At this point in life most of us have experienced some loss.

My kids are smack dab in the middle of being grown.  One foot out the door.  It was only 3 years ago I remember buying my daughter an easy bake oven and polly pockets for Christmas.  Now, she has a boyfriend, and goes to school dances. Soon, she'll be driving.  This gives me an idea of just how fast time moves at this time in life.  Time is precious and not to be wasted.  Looking back, I wasted too much of it worrying about this or that.  Trying to make others happy, or worrying over what others thought.  Each moment I let go into my obsessive worrying, my obsessive needs to be perfect, my over focusing on me in a negative way, is one in which I can never get back.  When I let anxiety take over and take me to the place in my thoughts where I dwell in negativity I lose time to be here in the present.  I miss moments of my kids growing up, or an opportunity to just be in the company of my husband or to think of a friend, because I was too preoccupied with me own thoughts.  There isn't much room or time left when we let negative emotions take up residence in our minds, using up the present moment.

So, today my family and I stayed home, as is our new tradition.  We ate what we wanted, on our own schedule. My boys had pizza and no one batted an eye.  It was the pace we liked and how we liked it.  It was our holiday and we made it our own.  No one to tell us otherwise, and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had.  I just wonder what took me so long to shake the negative influences of others and do what works for us?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss

The Resurfacing Of Old Habits

Ive done a lot of writing here in this new blog about changing my negative habits into more positive actions.  Things like that are hard to start, hard to keep going and even more difficult to keep at it long term.  I'm finding myself slip sliding back into some of the old habits that I had let go of.

Before I started this blog I spent a lot of time on internet forums, and most particularly in in 2 groups that I started on a social networking site that were very active.  It is no surprise that I ran into lots of people that had very different opinions than the ones I had, even the group that was for autistic people only.  We didn't always hold the same viewpoints on issues.  The thing was, is that I would get upset and worked up when someone said something that I found to be inconsistent with how I perceived the world.  To me, it felt like they were invalidating me, as a person by telling me that what I know and how I feel was wrong.  After embarking on my journey of Mindfulness and meditation  this feeling faded to almost nothing.  I gained self awareness and in turn awareness of how others can see the same thing as I do and come away with a different interpretation of it. I saw shades of gray where there weren't any before.  I also saw how much time I spent thinking about and being involved in negative patterns.  I realized that this only contributed to me depression and if I were to ever feel positive, I had to stop looking for what was wrong and search for what was right.  My husband called this 'looking for what or who is slighting Quiet C.' thinking.  Now, don't get me wrong, growing up in a world that is not made for someone on the spectrum had it's challenges. I plan on doing a blog entry about that, to help parents understand why their kids fight so much with their siblings and pull the 'not fair!' card so often.  In short, the world isn't fair to us, and everyday it IS a struggle to be in it, as the odds are often stacked against us.  But, I carried this attitude with me like 100 pound bags of heavy emotional baggage.  It was always there weighing me down.  It was negative and attracting negative things and people.  I felt emotionally worked up all the time.  I engaged in endless debates with others, instead of using my time to promote something that would make my life better, or even someone else's.  I wanted to correct ignorance.  I knew that if I showed them enough evidence that other's would have to see it my way.  It was just a waste of time. Hours spent typing, all while growing more irritable about the injustices of the world.  I didn't realize that the more I focused on that the worse I'd feel.  I took other people's opinions way too seriously, and I'm starting to see myself do that again.

I have spent much of the last 4 days in a hot debate with others about a subject that we're never going to agree on, and that is not positive.  I have sacrificed my very precious little time that I have outside of caring for my kids arguing.  Housework has gone undone, and exercise has been cut in half.  This is not the person I want to be, or filling the goals that I have for myself.  I want to be someone who stands up for what I think in a positive way, not finding drama in everyone else's opinion and making it be about me personally.  I want to raise positive aspects of autism, with things like using this blog and some other presentations I've put together and helped with.

There's a lot wrong in this world and if you look for the bad things in it, you'll never be short on things to complain about, or get upset over.  I'm passionate and want to make a difference in the lives of others, and I know I can't do that if I spend everyday fuming over injustices.  I have to be the change I want to see in the world, so with that... I am back on track, hopefully.  I choose to use my energy to promote positive endeavors and ideas, instead of fighting against negative ones.

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

Playing the Asperger's Card

As a person with AS I know that the level of severity is different in different areas for different people who are diagnosed with Asperger's.  However, I have noticed a trend here lately with AS males specifically who do things that are illegal, and wrong, then attempt to play the autism card.  No.  Not okay. This Guy for instance. He is on his way to being a serial rapist and he cries Asperger's.  I'm sorry, but since when did AS damage one's ability to know that it's not okay to run down the street sexually assaulting women?

There's been other stories I've heard of lately that I'd probably incite a voracious argument on my blog if I were to name them, due to my less than popular opinion on them. I will say in general, if one has at least an average IQ and has Asperger's then you have the ability to know right from wrong and to control your impulses toward your obsessions. Having a special interest in something doesn't make one excused for the laws that the rest of society has to follow.  I also find it damaging to use that as a defense, because it does nothing for inclusion and understanding of Asperger Syndrome.  It paints us as a group of unstable, impulsive people who might at any minute do something immoral, or illegal if it is a part of our obsession. This is simply not true of all of us.  These stereotypes are harmful.

More On Thoughts, Guilt and Time...

I have been doing some posting about time management and how more is not necessarily better in this post.    I have been monitoring my own behavior when it comes to my daily routines and what I seem to feel is important and what I stress over. (I think if I listed what I don't stress over the list would be shorter!) As well, as what seems to follow most parents, especially parents with special needs kids.  You know that feeling that you get at the end of the day when the kids are about to go to bed, or perhaps after.... the one that nags in the depth of the back of your mind all day.  Lurking, but not terribly vocal, but always present.  Guilt.  The feeling that maybe you could have, should have, would have done more.  You read a blog from a parent where they have it all together.  They did therapy for all 7 of their special needs kids, made 3 gluten free from scratch, homemade meals, went to lunch with their friends, potty trained one child, house is cleaned and even had the time to write about it in their award winning blog before they go to bed. 

Maybe, the above is an exaggeration, but still.... I think there are several of us parents with special needs kids that feel that way at the end of the day.  I carry this narrative around all day that I tell myself all these negative, half baked truths about what other moms are and what I must be compared to them.  The story that I tell myself is familiar, but not useful for a calm, mindful parent that I'd like to be.  When I come down hard on myself and expect a certain level of unattainable perfection I am grumpy, short, and snappy.  When one feels bad on the inside you will reflect that on the outside, no matter how much we think our feelings and emotions are ours alone to contend with.

I have been telling myself these stories with my thoughts for so many years that it's automatic.  I had to really put some effort to go off of autopilot to examine my thoughts.  It's been an experience for me to mindfully look at what I believe and really question the truth to it.  To hold up my own thoughts and examine them.  Before, I didn't think much about them, nor did I question them.  I just bought my thoughts as true.  My reality.  But, what if they weren't true?  How will I know?  What is the test?  Is there such a thing as true or false with thoughts and feelings?

And, so with Mindfulness and the ACT therapy I have been studying comes in handy here.  Let's break this down using a common thought or two of mine that is less than positive....

"I didn't take Beans to the bathroom today to practice potty training"

Now, the above thought can be replaced with, I didn't try to incorporate enough signs in his day, or engage him enough, or exert enough effort in making sure I somehow snuck enough nutrition into his diet.  As well, as with my other son, maybe I felt I didn't write a social story to explain something to him better, or socialize him more, or practice emotion cards with him... the list is really endless...But, back to breaking down the italicized thought above.  Who's voice is this?  Is it mine?  Or is it someone from my past that may have always said critical things to me?  Do I like this story, or benefit from it?  Is it helpful?  How does this make me feel and does it motivate me to be the self I want to be in order to meet my own goals and values? 

After I have asked myself the questions above I come to the realization that this is not my voice, I don't like how it makes me feel and it's not helpful to me.  It's not necessarily bad or wrong, but also not a thought that I am buying into as something that is representative of me.  I notice the thought and let it go without reaction.  I can't be perfect. I'm human with limitations and feelings.  The kind of mother I want to be is one who is happy, relaxed, and confident.  I can't be her when I'm buying the stories that I spoke about above.  I have to make a choice and a conscious decision as to what kind of parent I can be vs the kind of parent I think I ought to be. 

This isn't to say that sometimes we don't have to make changes and do thing differently.  The diet that I often speak of in this blog was a big change and one that required effort.  I didn't lose weight by simply being upset at myself, though.  I vowed to make some real changes, because I felt that I needed that to happen to be the person I want to be.  I am not berating and depriving myself of treats and freedom, but rather eating better.  I don't chastise myself into dieting, because that never works.  Same with parenting.  Truth be told, Beans is in the very early stages potty training and isn't cognitively or physically ready to be trained yet.  Myself, and the staff that work with him are just acclimating him to the toilet by introducing it slowly.  The fact that I didn't take him very much, or at all for that matter, isn't a big deal and I shouldn't make it one inside of my mind when it's time for me to relax.  Letting myself be, in the moment without judgment is a difficult task, but worth the practice.

Time and to-do lists Part Two:

In the last blog post I talked a little bit about how we schedule our days with more than can reasonably fit.  Some by choice, some by necessity.  As I mentioned, some of us don't have the time energy and money to be able to do what we would like.  Some people work 14 hour days not because they want to, but because some people have to.  Some of us with special needs kids don't have respite or family to help.  There is no 'outsourcing in childcare' as one article put it.  So, as I write about slowing down and being more in the moment I am also sympathetic to those in society that for a variety of reasons don't have the resources to pick and choose their schedules with ease.  I am one of those people and I am well aware of the conditions when money and time is finite.

I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done.  I also feel a constant need for perfection.  I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself.  These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail.  Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break.  Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things?  How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby?  Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia?  I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.


I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection.  As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable.  I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing.  Just being  aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily?  What will matter more in the long run?  I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time.  Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.

Time and to-do lists Part One:

There was something I noticed while trolling the many news feeds and such that I frequently read... there were many that were telling me how to get the most out of my day. How to maximize my whole time potential, like in this article here  .  I think if this woman was off her schedule by 10 minutes her whole day would probably fall apart.  Every minute seems planned and accounted for.  It seems that there are some that have that kind of control over their resources to be able to strategically plan that way.  Living with autistic children don't always go to plan, so making myself a priority in every waking moment of my pre-planned day would not work.  No matter how many spreadsheets of data I take on how I spend my time and how many 10 minute intervals that I allot myself to think. (rolls eyes) Who schedules time in to think? And, how have we become this multi-tasking society that pencils in every waking moment of everyday with tasks and activities?

That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas.  I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person)  to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals.  How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV?  Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day.  Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes.  Or feeling that nag of boredom.

I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down  I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more.  Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too.  Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off?  When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?

To be continued in the Next Post