Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Being Alone

I woke up to my husband asking me if I was okay. I tried to open my eyes, but they were all stuck together, and I was stuffy from what appeared to be sobbing.  I recall the dream I was having before I awoke, and I was sobbing in it. It affected me so much that I must have been sobbing for a while in my sleep by the looks of my pillow.

The details of the dream aren't important, but the theme is. It was about being not wanted by anyone, anywhere. I had nowhere to go that I was welcome, and yet I had to exist somewhere. The paradox was what made me feel so awful.

I have since realized that the dream was important in that it symbolized how I really feel in real life. I do talk a lot about support, and that sort of thing on this blog.  Online, and in person support is very important for special needs parents. I think if I needed some advice, or support in that area I would be able to find it online.  What I don't have is in person support for other life events.  I literally have no one to call if I had an emergency, or just needed to talk about private matters. I don't know if this is due to my autism, or just the way life is for my family, or what exactly it is that attributes to this secluded existence. I don't have any family to call on either side if I really needed help, and I have not managed to find any close friends to that I could turn to in times of need.

What does that mean? How does that effect one's life, you might ask.