Processing Change & Almost Depression Days

Today is going to be one of those days where I need to keep moving, even if I don't want to. I will have to push myself, as I can feel the energy, and optimism slowly creeping out, as darkness, and self-doubt creep in.

These days are processing days. Days that I need to do, as my mind processes all that has happened recently. That is how my brain works. It often downloads in the background as I do other tasks. Kind of hard to explain, but much like a computer updating software. I take in lots of info, but it doesn't quite 'download' right away.

It takes a lot of my energy to try to take in a lot of new changes, and information. This energy has to come from somewhere. For me, it often comes from my mood, and forsakes efficient cognitive processing for daily tasks.  Mostly my mood, though.

Days like today are days long with dysthymia.  Dull, color faded, melancholy days that are drawn out. I make myself keep moving through it, because if I sit, and think too long that negative voice gets too loud to block out.

Revisiting an Old Special Interest-RIP Kurt Cobain

Nirvana was one of my first, and definitely the strongest to date of my special interests. I typically didn't speak to many people as a teenager. It was such a tumultuous time for me. Full of misunderstandings, and parents that couldn't, wouldn't and didn't want to deal with my differences. The subject of music, particularly Kurt Cobain was always a way for people to get me engaged in conversation with them. When my husband had long hair he strongly resembled Cobain. This is how far my special interest went! Nirvana's music got me through a lot of hard times, and for that I am grateful.  Hard to believe it now, but today marks the 19th anniversary of Kurt's tragic passing. In remembrance I share with you my favorite Nirvana song: Lithium- "I'm so happy, because today I found my friends. They're in my head"

Daylight Savings and 12 Black Rainbows

Yesterday was the first day in Daylight Savings. People always get pretty worked up over still having to turn our clocks back and forth, "in this day and age".  I am beginning ti suspect that I am the only person that not only doesn't mind it, but sees a point in it as well as enjoys it.

Hear me out.

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I like the sun. I need the sun.  I want to soak up as much of it's deliciousness as I possibly can every day between November 1st to April1st.  Those months are hard for me.  If we change our clocks to a time where we are awake more and utilizing more hours of sunlight I get more of a chance to do that.  I also don't like it when my kids are walking to school in the dark, so I am okay with them going an hour later in fall, and winter in order to achieve that.  I also think it is better for energy conservation if we can use as much natural light as possible. Even an hour a day is a big deal when we consider the masses of people that are using less electricity to light their homes for that time.

Since this is a kind of off-topic fun type of post I thought I'd share a song that I ran across this morning as I wrote this post. It's by one of my all time favorite bands Type 0 Negative. The lead singer had bipolar and was very prone to severe depression.  This song is about that depression and since I talked a bit about darkness leading to depression in this post I thought that this might be an appropriate video:









Idle hands may be the devil's work
Unbridled minds you see are so much worse
Too much pity spent and wasting time
Irresponsibility not my only crime no

Obsessive thinking, depressed drinking
The person i once was, he's dead
Exhume the past this time or be my last
This is my final quest to remove my mask yeah

Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play

Ice blue eyes follow me everywhere i go
Making my heart appear as lead
I hate to wish it but I'll tell you though
That i'm quite ready 'cause I'm already dead

Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play

Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play