Revealing My Scars

I had a strange dream the other night. It was the kind where it follows me with odd da ja vue feelings for days. It begs to be taken apart, and analyzed. Some dreams are really just wisps of all that we accumulate during the day being let out in our subconscious at night while we sleep like an air release valve. They don't mean much at all. Then there are the kind that are a little more serious than that. When you recall bits, and pieces of these dreams there's emotion attached. It's not just the run of the mill dump dream. These types of dreams have a message to decipher, and usually a solution to a hidden issue you might have been avoiding.

In this particular dream I had found out from a doctor that I had cancer. I eventually ended up speaking to a doctor, and a team of scientists about my options for treatment. The doctor told me that I had three options. I could:

1. Choose to try to manage it with diet, and exercise, and hope it heals itself. The doctor said that this was not a recommended choice, because the cancer was very toxic, and would likely attach itself to other organs infecting other parts of my body with sickness.

2. I could choose to replace that part of my body with healthy skin. The new skin would heal the cancer, and the chances of full recovery were very optimal. The only drawback was that the skin had to come from my face. A fairly large portion of my face. The procedure was only offered in another country, so I would have to go there to get it. She explained to me that this was the best option with little chance for error.

3. I could choose chemotherapy, but the doctor noted that this option would be overkill. She didn't recommend it, because the chemo kills the healthy cells with the bad ones. I would endure pain, and sickness as well as possible permanent damage that would be irreversible.

I decided to go with the chemo. I said that would be the best option for me. It was the only one I could afford. The doctor again reminded me of her recommendations. She asked me why I could not do number two, since that was the best choice medically. I asked if the skin would scar, and she said it might. I broke down in tears explaining to her that I had a scaring disorder that makes my scars turn into bubbles, and look much worse than most people's scars. I also could never afford to go to another country. How could I choose number two when it would leave marks on my face that everyone will see?" I sobbed.

Dreams of Hidden Rooms

As some of my longtime readers know, one of my more subtle special interests is dream interpretation. It's really not too far a jump from their to one of my bigger interests, psychology. I don't do the reading for omens type of, but more along the lines of deeper understanding of what my dreams represent about what I am feeling behind the scenes, so to speak.

Last night I had a dream that I lived in a house that was a mish mash of houses that I have lived in, and others I haven't.  I had to go up to the attic for some reason, and that is when I discovered that there were several homeless people living up there. I was shocked. There was only one small room, and some old dilapidated furniture.  It was sparsely furnished, and cold.  At one point, I decided to sit down, and try to talk to some of the people living there. I attempted to sit on a loveseat, but there were holes in it, and the springs were sticking out. One of the people told me it was due to a rat infestation, but that they had recently gone. I was still a little afraid to sit anywhere, because I was afraid that a rat would come out, and bite me. I began to get acquainted with some of the people living there. There were two ladies, a little boy, and a coupe older women. I was heartbroken about the little boy, but the others insisted that he was better there than at home. I wanted him to come with me, but he was not ready. In fact, none of them were ready. I kept coming, and going as I tried to decide how to handle the situation. It was one that most others wouldn't understand, and I knew I had to find my own way to deal with it. Most people wanted me to just toss them all out by force, but I knew I couldn't. I knew they'd all come out of there in their own time, and I would be able to gently persuade them to come down safely. I began visiting them, and getting to know all the people that lived there. I was able to get a couple of them talked down, and to dinner.

One time while I was up there as I was cleaning, and exploring I noticed some sort of passageway, or something. Somehow, I went from being in the attic to this hallway that seemed long, and mysterious. As I crept down a black, and white checkered hall I came upon a room, and went inside. It was what looked to be a living room lavishly decorated with furnishings from another time. Bucket type of leather seats, and shag carpet. A console TV glowed from a corner of this dim lit room. I felt suddenly like I was intruding on another time. Kind of like it was haunted, and I was an unwelcome guest.

What If I Can?- letting go of the belief that I am limited

There are events that occur in our lives that change our path to something radically different in just a few minutes, or hours.  Last month, one of those life changing events happened to my family.

When Beans came home from school hurt on the 10th of last month my journey as a mother took a sharp turn.  I pulled everything to a halt, as I searched for answers as to what happened, and what I can do to help Beans get the education he has a right to receive.  I didn't count on the odds being stacked against us. I didn't anticipate so much hostility from the people that are supposed to educate my child, and have his best interests at heart. The shocking amount of covering up for each other, and adversarial nature of all involved was a life lesson I wish I never got.

As my biggest fears were realized in this situation I realized something else. I realized that my biggest, most tallest fear was that I was incapable. The way in which I underestimated who I am, and what I can do is by far my biggest weakness, and my biggest fear producer.

I realized that in this moment of adversity I could fight it, and get stuck on the part where we are the victim, or I could move forward on this path that I have been suddenly thrust upon.  I began to see the new situation, and the new found path as a journey full of opportunity, borne of unfortunate circumstance.

I Found My Courage

After some silent time of contemplation, I am back. 

During that time I thought about what is happening in my life right now, and what it means. The simple fact is, I am a natural born writer, and thinker, but not one that likes spotlights, and controversy.  I like to share, but from a quiet corner. I know that many of have urged me to go to the media with this latest awful situation with Beans, but I have to say that is my last resort, because it is so far out there in my comfort zone that I would literally have to left with no other options, besides defeat. To be honest, I'd almost rather accept defeat than to be on TV talking about such a high conflict situation that is going to bring fire down onto my family.

I don't handle high conflict situations well. What else that I don't handle well is situations where there is a very serious social injustice.  So, I feel that in this case, I am dealing with it whether I want to or not. It's on my doorstep, and isn't going anywhere.I can buck up, and stand my ground, or cower. The consequences for standing up will be harsh. I will be subjected to scrutiny, and I will lose friends, and alliances. Making noise, and being the proverbial whistle blower is not an easy task to carry through.

I thought about all these things the last couple days. I gathered up all of my strength to make the decision to carry on. I have made note of the close friends, and family I thought I had that have not been supportive. I make no apologies to the people that want to get their panties in a bunch when I don't take their advice, or ask them politely not to do something on my personal facebook page. They want to think of only themselves, then that is their right to be selfish, and petty. Fuck them. I won't let them bring me down any longer.

So, I am back. Rested, and ready to go forward, even in the face of adversity. I have to stand up for what is right for Beans, and for all the other kids that this situation has, or will have happened to.


"Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
Martin Luther King, Jr."

New Places &Trying New Things

I thought this might be a good day to bring back some more journal type of blogging. Sometimes, it's nice to blog in a more structured form where there is a clear beginning, middle, and end to the whole piece.  Those kinds are like essays, and they have their place in the blogging world, but then there's something to be said for the freestyle of writing that flows naturally from the writer as if you were having a conversation with them. It's a really authentic way to write, because readers can really feel they know you, and are a part of your everyday life, whereas essays type writing, while passionate, can be a bit colder. Soapbox persuasion is meant to express a particular point of view with a means to explain, or persuade, rather than to just discuss.

So, to kick off autism awareness month I am here to just write about my experiences. I may get an idea in my head later on about a good topic to write about, but right now I am too busy living my life, and doing what I do to really do much more.  Autism awareness is something I engulf myself in everyday.  April is not different in that for me. My page, this blog, and my advocacy at my boy's schools is what I do for autism awareness everyday.  Sharing some social media photos, and wearing blue is not autism awareness to me.  It does not do anything to change the current status of how autism is viewed.

So, here we go... Today, we have an appointment with

Mindful Thinking-Day 6: Mom's Day Off

Mother's day was yesterday. I decided last week that I was wanting to try to take today (Monday) 'off'.  Not that I can turn off my whole entire schedule of mom responsibilities, but I can take a day where I do less and take some time to do stuff I enjoy.  My son seems to understand this more than I think most grown men! When he heard of my plans to take the 'off' he asked "Well, then who is going to do your work?" He understands that my work is vitally important and can't just be not done, or even put off to a major degree.  This is something that my husband didn't understand the first 10 years or so of marriage and motherhood, so I am amazed at Bubby's perception.

Yesterday, I took the extra help from my husband who did the cooking and did as much housework as I could squeeze in.  I arranged as much to be done and taken care of as possible, so today would be as relaxing as I can make it.  Laundry, dishes and vacuuming, done.  Well, as done as those things can get.  I may have to do some today, but not so much.  No errands to run, no meals to cook, just me allowing myself to relax before the kids get out of school on Wednesday.  Then, it's on.  Full time mom duty.  Blogging and ability to keep up with my favorite on-line activities is sure to decline.  I run my house on a very strict schedule, very much like a school.  I have a specific time for everything.  I may talk about that in a separate entry.

Last week, I also booked a massage for this morning, which was rescheduled by the office an hour before I was supposed to be there for this afternoon. I have never had a massage before, so I was nervous enough without the time change.  I have no idea what to expect and am thinking of doing a search to get an idea.  I need a social story about massages! lol It's not just that I don't know what to expect, or that I'm afraid I won't like all the touching (not sure how I'll feel about that) or that I'm afraid the therapist will want to talk the whole time, which I do not want, but I am having that guilt of spending money and time in ways that I feel are frivolous.  You see, I am cheap.  Notoriously, penny-pinching, over worrying, cheap, frugal, spendthrift, whatever you want to call it.  I don't like to spend money.  I especially don't like spending money on myself, when I know it's not something of necessity.  It is killing me to think about spending $70 on a massage.  Not something I can wear or see, or use.  A massage.

So, today I take on the challenge of being okay with doing something new, which is scary, but potentially very enjoyable, as well.  I have to take that breath feel the anxiety and jump in anyway.  If I don't I'll never know if I like it, I'll never have that experience and I'll miss out on the opportunity to grow.  For today's addition to the Mindful Series I am thinking that my willingness to try new things balanced with a healthy sense of hesitation, but getting through it in a positive way is a step in the right direction to where I want to be. 

Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking

The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure.  You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time?   That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.  

I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget.  It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful.  Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples.  I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier.  There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.

I'm thinking that I might write them down.  Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page?  Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see?  The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me.  That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.

For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance.  So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat.  The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions?  I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too.  I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live?  Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No.  I don't value being depressed and sad.  I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties.  I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?:  I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks.  I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be.  I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.

Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts.  In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise.  The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with.  The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.

Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day.  This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now.  I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair.  I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.

Inner Aspie to "I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers" - An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

Dear 'I Wish I Didn't Have Asperger's'


When I think of that statement I think about the times when I, myself, thought it.  My mind skips back years in time where my own journey wasn't always easy.  Those times, are hard to think of now.  I still have those times now where I think, just for a moment, that I wish I didn't have Asperger's. This letter may well be for me to reflect on during those moments as much as for others out in cyberpsace looking for some consolation.  This letter may be for my son, when he gets a little older and thinks 'I wish I didn't have autism' during his moments of inevitable struggle.

What would I like to say to the child that I once was and to other autistic children out there right now?  I'd like to remind them that the things that seem to huge now won't be in a few years.  I wish I'd known that when I was alone at recess, or picked last at PE everyday.  I'd tell them that it's okay to be an individual and pursue your own interests, instead of worrying if the other kids will approve.  I'd tell them, you will find a friend, a good one.  Just be patient. Do not accept 'friends' that treat you less than in order to have a friend. I'd say, you are good enough, just as you are. Repeat that to yourself until you know it to be true.  This will be the one thing, if any that I would make sure that I as a child would have known.  I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all.

What would I say to that awkward adolescent that I once was, and to the other autistic adolescents out there?  I'd tell them to just hold on.  I know it's hard right now. Being a teenager is hard for everyone, but even harder for us on the spectrum. I'd tell them that they'll get a chance to date and find love.  I know it can be lonely.  I know everyone else is telling you to be patient and the right one will come along.  I know you're tired of that cliche.  I know these words won't stop you from feeling lonely, but please let them soothe you some into knowing that it will happen.  It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next week, but please know that you will not be lonely forever.  If I had a way to tell my former teenaged self something, I'd have told myself to keep busy doing what I like, being confident with myself and the dates and friends would come naturally.  Fretting, obsessing and constantly trying to problem solve will make relationships harder to come by and quite possibly prevent them from happening in the first place.  Getting a boyfriend or friends is not like a math problem or crossword puzzle.  It can't be solved by intellectual thought.  It has to go through the natural stages to evolve.   I'd tell myself that I need to learn about meditation and find a good therapist to help me learn about emotions. I'd tell autistic teens that what others think don't matter as much as what you think of yourself.  Pay attention to keeping things in order on the inside and things on the outside will be much smoother.  Learn how to detect and handle your emotions.  This is not something that is firsthand for us.  It needs to be learned and is crucial to success.

I'd tell teens to take advantage of the internet.  The amount of support available is endless. Find other ASD teen to chat with.  Find ASD adults to mentor you.  We are here.  We've been where you are and understand.  We can help guide you and are more than happy to do so.  Don't post on Facebook or constantly tell your peers that you're lonely ect... This will have the opposite effect you are hoping for.  Find some online support group to confide in.

For young autistic adults, I'd tell them most of all, that it's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to not know things.  There is no shame in needing assistance.  Don't try to do everything on your own to prove that you can and to prove you're independent!  It takes a strong person to ask for help when they need it.  Don't drive yourself into the ground with anxiety and depression by trying to do it on your own.  Find support from somewhere.  Sometimes, with some of us, it won't be family.  We'll have to find it somewhere else.  Take advantage of disability services when and if you need them. 

What I would want any autistic person to know, is that being autistic is okay. Don't waste a minute of your life hiding away who you are trying to be someone you're not.  Do what you love, and love what you do. This will help instill pride.  Immerse yourself into positive actions and let that direct you to self worth.  Don't ever let the bullies in your life win by repeating their stories in your head through the years.  If you can't shut the stories off, get to therapy to help you.  Know, I mean really know that you have worth just as you are.  Be authentic.  Be compassionate with yourself.  You are going to have bad days.  You are going to have sensory issues and meltdowns.  Again, learn your body and emotions. It will give you a better opportunity to handle these things when they come up.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when these things happen. Remember:  " I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all ." That is your new mantra.  The world can be noisy and overwhelming. Sometimes, you might feel like it's all too much, or your heart literally aches with loneliness.  Please, remember that there's many of us that share your story or care very much.  We have autism, too, or children that are autistic, or friends, and family.  You're not alone. Reach out to us.  We're here.

The Undateables? Not quite.

Has anyone in the UK seen the show 'Undateables'?  I haven't, but from what I've seen I 'm still leaning toward the POV that it's voyeuristic and portraying the misinformed public opinion that disabled people are less than in the world of romance.  One thing I do see is that it is in the spot light and people are now talking about it.  That means that the general public is having to think about the generally accepted stereotype that people with disabilities are somehow not meant for love, relationships, and sex.  We can and we are, and do do those things.  People most often hate, or repel what they don't understand.  I am hoping this show can help everyday people empathize with disabled people in the way that they see they're not so different after all. It won't seem so odd anymore, thus removing some stigma.  Getting a discussion going, exchanging opinions and getting people really thinking can all be good things.  Humiliating vulnerable people that just want love is a where I'd see the show possibly being negative.

What's your opinion of the program?

Finding Me

I found this quote this morning as I plan out my day:

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

It seems to be apt to how I feel today.  How I feel often, as a matter of fact.  I've been trying to sort through so many things, a bad childhood, a unstable life, me, who I am, who I thought I was, or who I thought I should be...Now I am just trying to feel my way through life just being me, but then I'm not sure who that is or who it should be, or I want it to be.  

I think I know who I am.  I mean, my personality is pretty static.  My likes and dislikes don't change much.  I seem to be constantly trying to improve on my personality, though. Like, I try to figure out what is 'right' or more desirable by the world's standards, and I set out to be that characteristic.  I tweak, and change and try to be more 'normal' by other's standards.  What I found out was that not only was I miserable this way, but I also attracted people that would take advantage of my low self esteem.  I tended to attract people who wanted others that would mirror what they wanted.  I was good for that.  Gullible, and wanting to be someone, and to please anyone.  This set me up for many manipulative friendships.  (I'd say relationships, but guys always seemed to be more attached to me than the other way around.) I didn't care much for romance, but companionship, a place to feel cared for unconditionally, yes.  That I needed, and wanted. 

One of the characteristics that I find seem to cause issues that are a part of me personality is that I say what I think.  Stupidity and others not using their own brains gets me worked up. ( See this post for more info on that) I feel I have to point out their flaws in logic.  This is not from my vantage point always a friendly, likable trait.  It's one I've been working on fixing, but to no avail.  I have gained some valuable insight on having better manners while pointing out other's fallacies, as well as working on seeing their POV, so as I can discern why they might feel differently than I do about something, or why they choose to believe something that is so illogical.   Take for example, the picture of a frail child in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes that has been circulating Facebook.  The premise behind it is that if the picture gets 100 likes he gets a heart transplant.  While that would be grand, it's fucking idiotic.  As if children's hospitals biggest criteria to such serious transplants revolves around something to arbitrary as FB likes.  What if it only gets 89 likes? Is the hospital gonna be like 'Sorry kid.  No new heart for you. People on FB didn't care enough to save your life via thumbs up clicks. Guess you're gonna die.'   When I saw this, my head almost exploded.  I know that I should keep my pessimism to myself, but good lord... I just can't.   I commented, very matter of factly and calmly on the post in question that it didn't make sense.  Then, I worried endlessly (and still am to be honest) that I upset my great aunt.  My anxiety over if I was over the line in my commenting was for a reason.  This reason was, I value truth.  I value people thinking for themselves.  I value hard work that achieves a goal, not some feel good click or prayer that achieves nothing but relieves one's own conscience. When my emotions start screaming at me, I know it is because I am not living by my values.  I don't value keeping peace at any cost.  Nope.  I don't care about that as much as I care about fairness and truth.  I need to accept that aspect of myself, instead of trying to be someone I'm clearly not.


I can be me, or I can spend my life miserably trying to chase after a facade that I think is a better version of me.  Those are my choices.  There's  no way to change who I am, and really no need to.  The path to dissatisfaction, and unhappiness seems to be paved with low self confidence and a general dislike of self.  What I want for my life, for all autistic people (and non-autistics if I'm honest) is to be able to embrace life for what we are, not live in constant battles due to chasing what we have been told we 'should' be. If I want to be happy, if I want to be comfortable, if I want to be content, then I have to learn to like me, and value the traits I possess. 

New Thanksgiving Traditions

Today I'm thankful for:
* The food I cooked and ate.
*The kitchen I cooked it in.
*The family I cooked it for.
* The ability and skill to make nutritious and tasty meals for my family.
* The courage to finally make the holidays be about what my family needs and not worry about everyone else.
*The laughter that my family shared today.
*Beans, because today is his 8th Birthday. :)
*My husband and his unwavering love and support.
*CJ and all of her help around the house.
*Bubby, and his unique, authentic self.


As this Thanksgiving winds up and my 33rd birthday is right around the corner I feel that my life is opening to new and adventurous paths.  This is a time where I think that maturity of life sets in and we start to see things in a different light.  We begin to see life as more meanigful in less big ways.  We slow down just enough to see the past and and future from the vantage point of the present.  Love, marriage, children and the mortgage might have been had by now in our lives.  Some of those things might have been lost, too by now. At this point in life most of us have experienced some loss.

My kids are smack dab in the middle of being grown.  One foot out the door.  It was only 3 years ago I remember buying my daughter an easy bake oven and polly pockets for Christmas.  Now, she has a boyfriend, and goes to school dances. Soon, she'll be driving.  This gives me an idea of just how fast time moves at this time in life.  Time is precious and not to be wasted.  Looking back, I wasted too much of it worrying about this or that.  Trying to make others happy, or worrying over what others thought.  Each moment I let go into my obsessive worrying, my obsessive needs to be perfect, my over focusing on me in a negative way, is one in which I can never get back.  When I let anxiety take over and take me to the place in my thoughts where I dwell in negativity I lose time to be here in the present.  I miss moments of my kids growing up, or an opportunity to just be in the company of my husband or to think of a friend, because I was too preoccupied with me own thoughts.  There isn't much room or time left when we let negative emotions take up residence in our minds, using up the present moment.

So, today my family and I stayed home, as is our new tradition.  We ate what we wanted, on our own schedule. My boys had pizza and no one batted an eye.  It was the pace we liked and how we liked it.  It was our holiday and we made it our own.  No one to tell us otherwise, and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had.  I just wonder what took me so long to shake the negative influences of others and do what works for us?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

Dreams

I awoke this morning with a dream stuck in my head that I knew meant something important. No, I don't mean in a psychic prediction sort of way.  I don't believe in that sort of stuff. I mean in a subconscious, psychological, symbolic sort of way.  

Dreams have long been of fascination to me.  I believe they contain a lot of stuff that we have going on behind the scenes.  Our thoughts and emotions are woven intricately into stories of faraway places, as well as the mundane. They represent the ideas, hopes dreams, as well as our deepest fears, and forgotten memories.  I have studied dream symbols and dictionaries, and kept dream journals for many years.  Not to brag, but I am quite good at deciphering the meaning of mine and other people's dreams and helping others to find direction with what their subconscious is telling them. 

In last night's dream I was at a place where they teach people to canoe.  All the participants were couples, so I was waiting my turn for instruction with my husband.  What was odd about this place was that typically one goes out to a lake for to canoe, but this was at an ocean.  I felt confused and and intimidated by going the task ahead of me.  I started searching for new clothes to wear and was trying on different outfits. (This is a common theme in my dream) The instructor told me that it wouldn't matter what I wore, because being in the canoe was all I had to worry about.  So, then I protested that I can't do it, because I can't swim.  She told me that no one ever falls out of the canoe.  The most important thing about learning to canoe is doing it.  She said she guaranteed 100% that I would not drown.  I awoke when my husband and I got in and began paddling away into the rushing waves.

According to dream dictionaries a canoe means that one is headed for peace and serenity, as well as emotional balance.  It's a sign of independence and emotional balance. It's also about being able to go on with determination.  I feel like this is symbolic of the place that I have come to emotionally through trials and hard work with my husband.  My journey through a harrowing depression has been hard, but I do feel that I have found a place of peace to rest in with my new found use of mindfulness and meditation. 

The changing of the clothes is also a telling reoccurring symbol for me. Clothing represents our public self in dreams.  It is who we try to be for the rest of the world. They are our image.  In my old dreams about clothes, I am usually changing into clothes for an important event where there will be lots of people, but none will work. They are always too small, mismatched, under dressy, or over dressy.  One shoe is lost, or doesn't fit.  In this dream, my clothes fit, but I was not sure which to wear.  This suggests that my image or role is changing, and I'm, trying to adapt to keep up.  The answer the teacher (my wise mind) gave me was spot on.  It doesn't matter how you show up to meet the challenge, just as long as you show up.  All of my anxiety over how I look and weather I measure up to others doesn't matter.I can feel inadequate, but I don't have to give in and sabotage my efforts with my feelings. I think the lesson is finally sinking in.

The ocean in my dream has much the same meaning as the canoe.  It's a symbol of refreshment and unhindered courage.  I am feeling empowered and positive. The waters were a bit rough in my dream, but I felt prepared. 

All in all, I feel this was a positive dream about equilibrium that I have recently found this last year.  I feel that it is a positive sign that the practice of mindfulness and compassion has begun to change my perspective for the better.  My anxiety is no long in the driver's seat and with that I have new purpose.

Compassion > Judgment = True Inclusion

This morning I came across a blog post by a mother of two special needs kids about a site called Too Big. (I'm not gonna link the site, because I'm not wanting to drive traffic to it. Nor, do I care to even look at it.) The blog post is called Tides We Shouldn't Have To Swim Against .  In it the author, Julia Roberts, talks about how a site like Too Big helps spread the biased, discriminatory attitude that any of us with disabilities ourselves, or have children with disabilities/special needs face everyday.

Basically, from what I've gathered, the site is composed of pictures of kids with their faces somewhat covered that are in strollers that are beyond the typical size most kids would require one.  I already don't see how that is so funny, even if the kids don't have special needs.  What's even more, the idiots that make the site actually think it's worthwhile enough to make fun of little kids that they pay to put up a website to do it.  That's what caliber of people we're dealing with here.  I don't expect to make them understand somehow that what they're doing is not okay, and harmful.  When someone is that awful on the inside it would take much, much more than me and a few others complaining to get them to see, or care how they're affecting others.  I'm not sure that anything could get someone that is that much of a bully to change. I just hope that by saying something to others that may visit the site, or another like it at some point, we might put that little bit of knowledge in their head of the other side of what they're looking at.  That there may be more than meets the eye when you encounter something that seems out of the ordinary.  Maybe, instead of laughing and staring one ought to have a bit of compassion.  One of my favorite sayings is that 'you can't know everything about everybody.'  Meaning, that everyone has their own life, their own struggle, their own story, their own pain, their own private life and this affects how they behave and come across to others.  I find that it's best to always try to practice compassion when we encounter behavior or people we don't understand, because we can't always know the other side of the story.  It's when we look through the eyes of compassion that we can truly see the other person as they are, not who we think they are, or what attachment of ourselves we're putting onto them.  That's all our judgement is, anyway.  It's a biased belief we hold as a result of our perception of what we think we see, or don't see.

I hope that the Too Big site disappears soon due to lack of interest on the public's part.  I know that I have gotten the ugly looks when my son was younger and I still used a stroller.  It wasn't because he was unable to walk.  Much to the opposite, as he would run and was impossible to keep by my side at any given moment.  Add that to the fact that my older son was also a runner, I had to employ methods to keep them both safe.  Since, Beans was unable to even so much as acknowledge when he was being spoken to, much less follow directions, or hold my hand, I chose to use a stroller until he was about 5.  Then, I used a harness for about a year, which also garnered it's fair share of attention.  One thing I was adamant about was that I was not going to let others make me or my children feel inadequate.  I never once flinched in the adversity of stares, or kept Beans at home unless I thought he would be uncomfortable with where we were going.  He has every right to be out in public.  So, special needs parents everywhere... hold your head high and do what is best for your family even when it may not always be the most popular, or comfortable.  Inclusion means everyone.

Things you wish adults knew when you were a child. The following are direct quotes from many adult autistics.

Now that it's time for school to begin I thought that I'd share a document that I put together a couple years ago about things that adult autistics say they wished their parents knew when they were children.  I always print and share this with my boys' teachers and principls. They say that it's helpful in understanding them.  Please, feel free to copy and share this where ever it may be useful.  I'm not a computer wiz, so I was unable to convert the Rich Format to HTML code on blogger, so this is in plain text.  The original document  (WHICH CAN BE FOUND HERE IN PDF) is much nicer and easier to read. You can also ask me and I'll send you a copy via e-mail if you'd like.  I had a lot of fun collecting all these tips from my fellow spectrum friends on WP, FB, and other places.  Many of us are more than willing to share and help when asked.

Things you wish adults knew when you were a child.
The following are direct quotes from many adult autistics.

"When your kid forgets to do something they said they would do--they really did forget! I still do. Smile

My dad always urged me to "buckle down". Neither of us knew at the time that my "buckle" was broken, and although I had the best intentions, I didn't know how. I wish I had had specific, detailed, step-by-step directions on how to get those things done that I didn't know how to even start.

Don't expect your kid to infer anything. Just tell them. They are not ignoring your wishes or your needs. They just don't get it. Tell them and be specific. Tell them when they are doing it right, and if they aren't, calmly point out what needs to change. And if they overreact to that, just let them. In the years to come they will pick up some moderation. (Some.) It's not personal."

"Im still very forgetful, AND I don;t clue in to non verbal cues, so whoever thinks Im a "creep" because I dont clue in, they should do some research first before jumping to that conclusion.They would find that I would do as they have wanted if they clearly spelled it out for me verbally."

"Don't assume that just because I'm not looking at you that I'm not paying attention. I often will concentrate on what you're saying better when I'm looking away from you.

P.E, was torture for me. I am not coordinated, nor will I ever be. Some of my worst memories come from P.E. class. It really hurts a child's self-esteem to always be the last one picked for teams. There has to be another alternative rather than to put ASD kids through that."

"Always be positive!
Treat them just like any other child- they just want to be normal.
Give them special one on one attention. I thrive for that!

Dont hold them back- it keeps them from their full potiental. They can susprise you."

"I would always draw or play with the stuff in my desk or something during class, but I still heard what the teacher said. If I tried to just listen and sit still, I would drift off and start thinking about other things, because it was not stimulating enough to just listen.

Also, sometimes if I didn't have a sufficient explanation for why I should do something, I would refuse to do it. So I think I would have done a lot better in school if the teachers had explained a lot more, because they often didn't have good reasons.

And I think something else that would be nice is if teachers would sometimes tell awkward kids what they might do to not get teased as much. I don't know, maybe they're not allowed to do that for some weird reason, but I think it would be nice, since they're the ones who see the teasing happening."

"Don't attempt to make me look at the teacher when I am trying to pay attention. I can do one of them.

Don't make "choose a partner/team" group work mandatory this does not only refer to PE. It is horrible if everyone finds a partner immediately and I stand there and everyone does not want me.

The noise during recess was far more stressfull than the classes. I had to calm down from recess in class."

"
I don't always know what I'm doing is impolite, and I can't always control it (ie. laughing at inappropriate times).

Sometimes I don't speak because I REALLY don't know how to answer the question, and the MORE you try to force me to answer, the more intimidated I get, and the less likely you'll get an answer.

I get into a lot of trouble for defending myself in fights started by someone else, because I'm not as verbally skilled, and can't talk myself out of trouble like others. Don't automatically assume I'm in the wrong just because I cannot come up with a convincing -story-.

I don't always know when I'm being impolite, I just say what's on my mind, please don't make a scene out of it, just explain to me my mistake in private.

Sometimes when made to talk to the entire class, make a presentation, or when told to share ideas with the class, I get nervous, I stumble over my words, and I can't think clearly, which is why I usually cut the speech short, it's not because I'm not participating, it's because I'm terrified I'll make a mistake, and get made fun of by the whole class. You questioning me in front of the entire class as to why I won't participate makes me feel like crap.

Please be direct in your speech, don't use metaphors or sarcasm when asking me to do something, 99 out of 100 times, I won't get what you're asking of me."

"So many things...

Not stopping doing what I was doing when I was told to stop doing it.

Doing the same thing over and over and over despite being told not to do it.

Not looking at people when I spoke to them.

Speaking to people in a way that they interpreted to be condescending / patronising.

Not being able to make out what the teacher was saying because there was too much background noise.

Doodling constantly during lessons.

Doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing because I had finished my work and was bored.

Doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing because I didn't find the work interesting.

Not understanding things because I didn't understand the way the teacher explained them.

Not understanding things (especially maths) because of thinking too deeply about it.

Not liking certain lessons because I didn't like / get on with the teacher.

Never reading any books (I seem to have a bit of an issue with reading and tire of it very quickly).

Not understanding what behaviour was appropriate for my age.

Not having a clue what people were going on about when they started fancying other people and all that.

Not realising that I needed to be proactive to make friends.

Team sports were always a problem for me.

Also dance and aerobics involving copying moves off others was and is still a major problem for me.

That said, I'm totally fine at certain sports, such as running (but not sprints), swimming, climbing, dance (making my own moves), javlin, discus, shotput, cycling and also going to the gym don't cause me any problems. I think the key with sports is to stick to what you're good at. "

"Don't talk down to me (when I was a child and people used that sing-song tone it made me cringe)
Don't assume I ought to know something-inform me politely
Don't assume because I don't approach you that I want to be alone (that's a tricky one-sometimes I do) I don't know how to ask to be a part of a group-I'm afraid of rejection and need to be asked.
Don't assume I'm lazy-I can't focus and trying makes me very tired
Explain to me what I did wrong socially without attacking me"

"
I remember when I got in trouble for something I'd get the stern "look at me when I'm talking to you!" and dread it.

Negative reinforcement only pissed me off. I still have a grudge against my grandfather and he passed away over a decade ago. The horrors I went through with him...

I had a horrible time in school to the point where I was scared to death to go back. At that age I had no idea what to say, so I just cried. If only they knew how emotionally damaged I was. My grandmother said she could never understand why I flipped out. My mother, on the other hand, picked up on it. I ended up moving in with her after that situation. I changed schools, but I still went through a lot of problems.

Being constantly nagged to do things never helped me want to do them. Asking kindly would have made a world of difference, but parents don't think they should have to do that. Plus, back then, we had no idea what Asperger's was. My mother just said I was eccentric.

I remember when I first heard the band Rush. I obsessed over them for months. My mom thought that was insane, but their music was so complex and intelligent that I couldn't stop listening. It would have been nice to have a diagnosis back then, cos so much emotional stress could have been avoided. I wouldn't have been yelled at for my obsessions and odd behaviors."

"Maybe true for all kids, but when a kid says there is nothing wrong, they are likely lying.

The only way to get a kid to tell you the truth is to become someone they feel they can trust. Only then MIGHT you find out what's going on inside of them."

"Even though my parents knew that I was on the spectrum, I wish that they didn't do these things:

Things would have gone a lot more smoothly, if they didn't spank me. The only thing that I've learned from those spankings, was that it was okay to hit and punch the bullies, when they picked on me, and called me "retarded". They never did that again, though.

I wish that they would have let me talk about my special interests, at least at home, instead of getting angry at me, for doing so, no matter how much I talked about them. I didn't talk to any of my peers in high school, because my mum said, "As soon as those kids find out what you like, they're going to bug you about it!" That's what led to all that posting about Routemasters at WP in 2006. I've kept that obsession a secret from everybody that I had social contact with, off-line. One member tried to make me his project, by training me not to post about them, so much. If he only knew what I had to go through, and the many headaches, colds and flues that I've endured, just by keeping my special interests to myself, for so many years, he wouldn't have done that. My parents wouldn't have done that, either.

I also hated that "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" by my father, who I didn't trust at all. If he knew that I didn't trust him, he wouldn't have forced that eye contact. He would have treated me in such a caring way, that would have made me feel that I could trusted him and felt at ease with him to begin with, and than I would have given him that eye contact.

Some people on the milder end of the autistic spectrum appear to speak with a foreign accent. Mine happens to be the London Cockney. My parents spiritually abused me the entire summer that I was 12, by telling me not to speak with a nasal sounding voice. The following spring, I've told my mum, brimming with pride, that I have a bit of a Cockney accent. She said, "We can fix that." She changed her tune in a hurry, after most of my teachers wrote that I won't speak to my regular classmates, on my first high school report card. She asked, "Did anybody say anything about the way that you speak?" I said, "Yes...both you and dad did, two years ago." She said that she was sorry that she caused me so much pain. I've started talk to my mum and dad nonstop, again."

"it would have been really nice if:

my mother accepted that I'm a literal thinker, instead of getting frustrated and criticizing me, as if I were choosing not to understand her vague instructions.

my mother encouraged me and gave me some praise for what I did right, instead of focusing on what I did wrong and going on and on about it.

schools made kids like I was safe, which probably means keeping us away from bullies. it wasn't so much of a problem in grade school, but it got worse and worse as I got older until I just quit going to school.

schools provided behavioral classrooms as a matter of course, to assist kids who need coaching in personal hygiene and social skills."

"Don't sit me by the loudest kid in the class.

There was a boy in my class that must've had ADHD (severely) and he was always making noise, and touching people, and running into them. Those three things are probably at the top of my list of worst sensory issues. It seems that the teacher always sat me by him. My grades went down, because I couldn't concentrate, and my anxiety skyrocketed. It got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I was so afraid of having to deal with this kid at school. He knew that touching me bothered me a lot, so he did it even more, because it was fun to him see me have a meltdown. I don't see how the teacher didn't notice all of this. I've seen this happen with my 7 yo son, too. I don't understand why the teacher can't make more of an effort to keep these kinds of boys as separate as possible from my son.

Oh, and it never even once occurred to me to ask for help with this issue. Sometimes, you have to pay attention to what 's going on with ASD kids, because they won't think to tell you about their problems. If someone would've thought to ask me, I'd probably have told them how much it was bothering me, if I could find the words, and felt comfortable talking to the person."

"Even when an autistic child is comfortable about telling something, it may still be impossible to ask the child about certain things. Often these things are information, skills or feelings the child experienced or learnt in another situation or another environment (school, home, kindergarten, club).

It is perfectly possible that if a teacher asks an autistic child about home it does not seem able to tell any or correct information. It is also possible that a child wants to tell something about school to his or her parents but simply cannot.

I'd also add in specific:

An autistic child may be perfectly able to do something in one situation and/or environment, but truly unable to perform the same skill in a different situation/environment. That everything from knowledge to learnt skills are only available to the child in certain situation is a difficulty that can come with autism."

"I wish that my teachers had realised that having hundreds of kids sitting in grouped tables, chatting away and having to cooperate was overwhelming for me. I'm willing to bet that some of my relatives (had they been young children during the 90s) would've had trouble coping with this set up too. Back in the old days it was single rows of silent desks. Back then, socialising was strictly a recreational activity.

I wish they could've realised how the school environment made it difficult for me to learn.

I wish they could have realised that my strengths (observing, analysing and recording the physical environment) were not being put to best use.

I wish that they could've realised that I was a caring person who feels deep emotions, but was socially clueless, so inadvertently offended people. I can read some facial expressions, so I wish they could've realised that I was not a completely "cold" asocial "monster".

I wish they could've realised that my out-of-sync movements during PE and dancing were not willful: I genuinely couldn't sync up with the other kids. I also felt an insatiable urge to do my own thing and develop my own style.

I wish they could've realised that I wanted to join in.
Actually, I wanted to join in and lead the activity in my own style and wanted to teach the other kids things without them telling me to "Shut up".

I genuinely wanted to be friendly and not upset people.
In fact, I was very concerned and felt very upset when I had inadvertently upset others."

"The whole choose a group or partner for a group activity was the worst.

Bullies are also a horrendous problem and a zero tolerance policy needs to be in place to deal with them. I remember being told everything I shouldn't provoke them (I didn't) to I need to stand up for myself (kinda hard when I was barely chest height). Teachers need to realize that yes some bullies have problems at home or something and act out by hurting other kids, some however are just sociopaths. There are no differences to work out (I've also been told to work out differences with bullies, seriously how stupid are some teachers) some bullies just like hurting other people and aspie or autistic kids make excellent victims for them. (I have very strong feelings about bullies)

I had one class where the teacher played music in the background, while the music was nice it was rather distracting. That might just be me though.

I actually calm down by moving, walking/pacing in particular. Trying to hold still just makes me agitated.

Just because it might take me a while to form the right words to answer a question doesn't mean I don't know the answer, or if I'm in trouble for something, that I'm lying or making a story up. I'm still working on ordering my thoughts so I can communicate properly. (I have a vague memory of being told something along the lines, don't sit there making something up, just answer the question) "

"This is a tip that goes for me:

If you are explaining something to me then ask, 'do you understand?' don't assume that my answer 'yes' means I DO understand. My hearing can only pick up certain words of speech (auditory discrimination issues) so my mind puts two and two together to get 3 most of the time! If necessary, write the thing down. This way it may be more comprehendable. Hope that helps!"

"That strong staff leadership and a sincere inclusive ethos can make all the difference.

That clear rules and guidelines can help a person know "where they stand" and what to expect.

That inconsistencies and "rules" that aren't spelled out clearly are confusing."

"That when I repeatedly said, yelled, and pleaded for them to leave me alone, that they did so instead of continuing to yell at me through my closed door. They caused so many meltdowns, rages, etc. that way. That's often an aspie's only way of expressing that they're becoming overwhelmed. It's a last-ditch effort to avoid losing control. If parents don't recognize and respect this, they will be largely responsible for the resulting "bad behavior". Parents of people with Asperger's need to learn when to back off and allow them to calm down.

People with autism frequently respond with more basic emotions than other people. Harsh tone of voice or a demanding attitude will often result in a heavily defensive response. If you want your message to be received, and to not result in the opposite effect, it is important to remain calm and polite. Whereas a non-autistic person may take a harsh tone to indicate you mean business, an autistic person generally interprets it as an attack and responds as such. This can result in an argumentative or hostile response.

People with autism frequently need to mentally prepare themselves before doing something, and also frequently have a poor concept of time. A timetable of "Now" causes stress, frustration, and anger. It is far better to give them a few minutes' warning and / or early reminders to allow them to prepare and be ready."

"The one that stands out is I wish my parents knew that just because I asked unusual questions about sex at a really young age didn't mean that they should panic and ban me from reading encyclopedias. "

"As a child, I always wished that the people who said, "You know you can always talk to me," understood that just because I didn't talk to them, didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to them. I couldn't. I had (and still have) problems organizing my thoughts and getting them out. Just be patient and I will do my best.

This one is especially for the teachers: when asked about my emotional state and I say, "I don't know," I really don't know. It's almost impossible for me to know what the heck I'm feeling and it is nearly impossible to articulate it.

Usually when I lose it, I'm blamed for my destructive behavior and never allowed to explain myself--even if I could. And never let your child feel guilty for something that was not their fault, nor let your child feel guilty for what they do not understand because that guilt will stay with them forever.

Also, most Aspies tend to have a long memory. My first memory is being in a crib and crying for someone to come to me. And then I heard my mother's voice saying, "Shut up!" To this day, I can't get over that. "

"I wish my parents knew that stimming is natural and important to me; that I need to do it."

"I recently made a list of things for my son's teacher that I wish my teachers had known. I got so tired of being told not to be a tattletale about things that were CLEARLY wrong, and I stopped and shut down with talking to my teachers altogether. "

" if I put my hands over my ears when you start whistling a song to yourself, or you want me to sing a song with you, or anything of the sort, know that maybe I just *can't* do it. It's possible that the whistling actually hurts, or that the extra auditory input of the sound is just too much. And quit tapping your pencil on the table if you want me to a) be sane and b) focus on anything else!"

"to consider face blindness and keep a 'signature' about themselves so they can be recognised and to use gesture and objects where possible and speak in bullet points."

"In a tense or stressful situation I may start to shut down. This often means I don't know how to handle or process all of the stimulus around me. Help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and understand how I can be involved in the event."

"As a school child my world was hard enough and then I entered that huge empty echoing place, with so much noise I could not hear, I could not focus and impossible to read a blackboard if I you dare look, because if I did look up, someone laughed, made fun, yet more abusive. At times so unbearable, but no place to hide I had no choice but to endure. What the other children enjoyed and talked about, made me feel more of an alien.."

"I wish that teachers knew that I needed extra guidance. I was pretty much dropped off at school at 5 years old and expected to 'figure it all out'. That might work for some kids, but it just made the world a chaotic place for me for a few years there. In fact, what should have been done, was indeed done later when I was 9 years old... I went to a new school and one student there was asked to show me around and let me know how things worked, and where everything was. The difference that this made was like night and day. I thoroughly enjoyed my time at the new school, and excelled as a student as well.

I had a hard time making sense of the big picture as a child. I could figure out what was expected of me from moment to moment, with a little effort, but understanding how each part of my day made sense on a daily or weekly basis was impossible. A kind of tunnel vision with regard to my own life. A very narrow understanding. Experts tend to say that Asperger's children need structure, maybe these sort of difficulties are the reason.

I also wish that my parents knew that I needed personal, private time (grew up in a large family), and that noise was something I was extremely sensitive to. The home life that I had growing up was a pressure-cooker environment that made me a more anxious adult, I think."

"I wanted to have things set, and to stay the same. I did not like too much variation, fortunately perhaps in my childhood there wasn't much. Things are different today. When i was working as a teacher aide, my supervisor told me of an aspie boy who she had been helping. Technology classes at that school were taught in 'blocks' of ten lessons, then they were moved onto a new subject. For the first block, she took him into the room beforehand, introduced him to the teacher, who showed where everything was, told him what would happen, etc, he knew what to expect and the lessons went well. Unfortunately, she didn't think he would need the same when they moved on to the next block. He was so overwhelmed he spent the entire first lesson of the new subject sobbing in the corner of the classroom. Big lesson for her, and the other teachers."

"The biggest, please don't shout at me, if you do say sorry, please don't make me a spectacle, be kind to me, make me feel good about my differences not feel subnormal and less than human.   Listen to me.  

If just these things would have happened my younger life would have been less retched and less full of pain."

"I have difficulty answering this as I would say my difficulties emerged in my teens and further on.

I imagine (from the viewpoint of an older person) that an early diagnosis could have been helpful and I needed training not to take everything literally and to understand that authorities were just fellow human beings not enemies.

(Turning this around I suppose I wish teachers knew that I regarded them as enemies not because I was inherently nasty (although I confess I could behave that way to teachers) but because I felt they were trying to impinge on me by forcing useless information into me - I needed explanation as to why things were happening which was not of the "because I say so variety")

I failed to understand how teachers could make rules and then dislike people who told them other people were breaking the rules - did they or did they not want the rules kept, and were they or were they not responsible for enforcing them?   I still find this one a bit puzzeling. I suppose nowadays they try and get buyinto rules by getting the students to work them out at the beginning of a year.

I think the most useful thing I could have been taught was not to take books literally - that I needed to prioritise what I could learn  from life over what I could learn from books. I expected my life to play out like a novel and was constantly disappointed when it didn't. 

I think aspie kids probably need to have time spent giving them details of different points of view."

"I wish that everyone wouldn't have made such a big deal about my eating habits.  I still don't like most my food to touch, and I still eat only one item of food at a time on my plate.  It's not worth hassling a kid over.  I also have sensory issues with certain foods, mostly because of the way they smell."

I also wish that my parents would've taken my other sensory issues more seriously.  If  an autistic child is telling you that something is bothering them (that relates to one of the senses) take them seriously.  Don't accuse them of being over-exaggerative."

More On Thoughts, Guilt and Time...

I have been doing some posting about time management and how more is not necessarily better in this post.    I have been monitoring my own behavior when it comes to my daily routines and what I seem to feel is important and what I stress over. (I think if I listed what I don't stress over the list would be shorter!) As well, as what seems to follow most parents, especially parents with special needs kids.  You know that feeling that you get at the end of the day when the kids are about to go to bed, or perhaps after.... the one that nags in the depth of the back of your mind all day.  Lurking, but not terribly vocal, but always present.  Guilt.  The feeling that maybe you could have, should have, would have done more.  You read a blog from a parent where they have it all together.  They did therapy for all 7 of their special needs kids, made 3 gluten free from scratch, homemade meals, went to lunch with their friends, potty trained one child, house is cleaned and even had the time to write about it in their award winning blog before they go to bed. 

Maybe, the above is an exaggeration, but still.... I think there are several of us parents with special needs kids that feel that way at the end of the day.  I carry this narrative around all day that I tell myself all these negative, half baked truths about what other moms are and what I must be compared to them.  The story that I tell myself is familiar, but not useful for a calm, mindful parent that I'd like to be.  When I come down hard on myself and expect a certain level of unattainable perfection I am grumpy, short, and snappy.  When one feels bad on the inside you will reflect that on the outside, no matter how much we think our feelings and emotions are ours alone to contend with.

I have been telling myself these stories with my thoughts for so many years that it's automatic.  I had to really put some effort to go off of autopilot to examine my thoughts.  It's been an experience for me to mindfully look at what I believe and really question the truth to it.  To hold up my own thoughts and examine them.  Before, I didn't think much about them, nor did I question them.  I just bought my thoughts as true.  My reality.  But, what if they weren't true?  How will I know?  What is the test?  Is there such a thing as true or false with thoughts and feelings?

And, so with Mindfulness and the ACT therapy I have been studying comes in handy here.  Let's break this down using a common thought or two of mine that is less than positive....

"I didn't take Beans to the bathroom today to practice potty training"

Now, the above thought can be replaced with, I didn't try to incorporate enough signs in his day, or engage him enough, or exert enough effort in making sure I somehow snuck enough nutrition into his diet.  As well, as with my other son, maybe I felt I didn't write a social story to explain something to him better, or socialize him more, or practice emotion cards with him... the list is really endless...But, back to breaking down the italicized thought above.  Who's voice is this?  Is it mine?  Or is it someone from my past that may have always said critical things to me?  Do I like this story, or benefit from it?  Is it helpful?  How does this make me feel and does it motivate me to be the self I want to be in order to meet my own goals and values? 

After I have asked myself the questions above I come to the realization that this is not my voice, I don't like how it makes me feel and it's not helpful to me.  It's not necessarily bad or wrong, but also not a thought that I am buying into as something that is representative of me.  I notice the thought and let it go without reaction.  I can't be perfect. I'm human with limitations and feelings.  The kind of mother I want to be is one who is happy, relaxed, and confident.  I can't be her when I'm buying the stories that I spoke about above.  I have to make a choice and a conscious decision as to what kind of parent I can be vs the kind of parent I think I ought to be. 

This isn't to say that sometimes we don't have to make changes and do thing differently.  The diet that I often speak of in this blog was a big change and one that required effort.  I didn't lose weight by simply being upset at myself, though.  I vowed to make some real changes, because I felt that I needed that to happen to be the person I want to be.  I am not berating and depriving myself of treats and freedom, but rather eating better.  I don't chastise myself into dieting, because that never works.  Same with parenting.  Truth be told, Beans is in the very early stages potty training and isn't cognitively or physically ready to be trained yet.  Myself, and the staff that work with him are just acclimating him to the toilet by introducing it slowly.  The fact that I didn't take him very much, or at all for that matter, isn't a big deal and I shouldn't make it one inside of my mind when it's time for me to relax.  Letting myself be, in the moment without judgment is a difficult task, but worth the practice.