In continuing with my efforts to blog more consistently about my new ideas of mindful thinking and what strategies I'm applying to better meet my goals I'm happy to update that today is going okay, as well as yesterday. The day before was pretty unhappy and unfocused. Filled with lots of anxiety and negative thinking. I still have so much work to do in determining triggers and not allowing them to be my primary focus, sending me into a tailspin of fret, worry and all sorts of negative thinking patterns that I would rather not waste my energy on.
Today, I was successful in identifying when I was being overzealous in my attempts to plan out my weekend. I had this fantasy that since it was Mother's Day weekend I would somehow (don't ask me how) get the whole house sparkling clean and have time for some blogging and extra baking. I thought that I might be able to get weeks worth of tasks miraculously done in two days. By about 3 this afternoon I became aware of my illogical thinking. My irrational goal was exposed for the life-sucker it has proved itself to be for the last 30 some years. I told that thought that I couldn't listen to it. I acknowledged it's existence, noticed it was there, thought about how nice it might be to have Monday (my day off I designated for myself, but more about that later) in a nice, orderly house. Alas, this wasn't my life and the only way I would come close to this goal would be if I manically cleaned, and got on everyone else's case to do the same awarding me the most unpleasant mom to be around this Mother's Day weekend. Now, I did not want that award. That is probably the opposite of what I want, so I decided that it was best for me to do what I can and let it go.
As I am trying to be more aware of my feelings, where they originate at in my body, what triggered them, how I react, how they effect me, ect.. I have noticed a great deal of frustration buried deep in my stomach today.My sensory system is overloaded without provocation. This happens from time to time, without so much as a warning or a reason. I just have days where nothing feels right. My clothes feel all wrong, my appetite is out of whack, I feel achey, irritated, and unable to tolerate noise. Any noise and it just so happens that my house consists of noise coming from competing directions at any given time. TV, video games, computers, Bean's toys and verbal stims. My house is anything but quiet. My husband isn't feeling well and when he feels unwell he wants cuddles. Lots and lots of cuddles. This is not always my favorite activity unless it's at the designated times, but I do not like my routine interrupted with lots of hugs and kisses(unless you're Beans. Beans always gets hugs and kisses!). I'm trying to get things done. My sensory system is hanging on by a thread of imminent meltdown and he needs hugs. Denying him this (which is excruciatingly important to him) at this time is not going to turn out well, so I am dealing with it. Maybe, I am getting sick as well and that's why I am feeling over my sensory limit from the get-go? Who knows?
Showing posts with label rigid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rigid. Show all posts
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking
The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure. You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time? That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.
I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget. It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful. Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples. I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier. There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.
I'm thinking that I might write them down. Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page? Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see? The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me. That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.
For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance. So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat. The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions? I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too. I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live? Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No. I don't value being depressed and sad. I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties. I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?: I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks. I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be. I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.
Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts. In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise. The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with. The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.
Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day. This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now. I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair. I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.
I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget. It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful. Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples. I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier. There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.
I'm thinking that I might write them down. Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page? Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see? The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me. That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.
For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance. So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat. The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions? I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too. I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live? Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No. I don't value being depressed and sad. I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties. I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?: I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks. I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be. I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.
Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts. In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise. The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with. The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.
Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day. This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now. I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair. I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Part Of Me
There's been so much controversy here in the autism community lately about what's okay to say and who has the rights to say it. I think that it's always best to try to not be offensive to others, but free speech is so important to me that I believe that everyone has a right to express how they feel, even if it's something I vehemently disagree with. I still want to hear your side. I want to know what is behind those opinions, those thoughts. Strong words usually have a story behind them. I want to hear that story and understand what has caused you to take such a strong stance. I want to hear what makes you think that autism sucks, or why you hate it. I want to know why some of you feel that only the parents of children with severe autism have a reason to feel angry, or the only ones that can really understand 'true' autism.
Usually, when I try to listen I get past the words to the emotions. These emotions are strong. Sometimes, they are desperate ones. Sometimes, they are angry over lost time, money, health. Sometimes, they are sad. They are sad for what they think or even know their child endures daily. Sometimes, these emotions are from fear. Fear of who will care for their child when/if they die. Fear for the every second their child is out of their sight, because you know that in their lifetime there is a very, very, very high percentage of abuse and that teachers, carers, peers, and others will target your child due to their vulnerability. You know that many will never understand your child. Sometimes, it's a feeling of deep sadness, because you know your child is sad. You know how much they yearn for a friend, and to be accepted and you see that autism is what's stopping that from happening. As parents, we feel so strongly a need to take away these struggles from our kids. We want so much for them to be happy. Sometimes, the parents are just exhausted. They need sleep and they need a break. There's so much worry that accompanies the parents of autistic children, even when they grow up. You see autism as the problem. If there were no autism, then these problems wouldn't exist.
But, autism does exist. It's a part of me and not separable from me, or my sons. If someone gets upset about one of my autistic behaviors, I feel they are upset with me. When they hate autism, they hate a part of me. That makes it feel shameful, and bad. Like, something I need to hide away. In doing this, I have carried so much extra burden and self hate. I am now at a place in my life where I am tired of carrying it. My neurological differences are not shameful. They are just different. I need to put this extra weight down and relieve myself from carrying these expectations of what society says I should be. Not because I think autism is something spectacular, but because it's part of who I am and it's not going anywhere. I may as well accept it. I can't change it. I can't change the fact that Beans will likely never speak, and may not even be potty trained as an adult. I can't change that Bubby may never go to sleepovers with other boys or be able to read other people's intentions. It is what it is. Some days are good. Some days aren't. Some days coping seems to be all I can do. I always want my boys to think of themselves as someone who is loved, and deserving of the same respect everyone else is. I want them to know that their differences may make them different, but still people of value. I don't ever describe the using words that are negative. I don't want them to see themselves that way and I sure as hell don't want society thinking of them that way. Sometimes, I hate it when Beans chews up my power cord to my laptop, or pees on the floor. I hate the situation , not the autism. I hate when Bubby throws a fit over a routine change. I hate the situation, not the autism. I hate when I go to a social occasion and end up mute, not being able to join in socially, even if I want to. I hate the situation, not my autism, and subsequently myself.
That's my take. As I said, always happy to hear others. Life is guaranteed to come with struggles. Some more painful, than others. Some, seeming more unfair than others, but we all have our own. Please try to remember that when speaking to others.
Usually, when I try to listen I get past the words to the emotions. These emotions are strong. Sometimes, they are desperate ones. Sometimes, they are angry over lost time, money, health. Sometimes, they are sad. They are sad for what they think or even know their child endures daily. Sometimes, these emotions are from fear. Fear of who will care for their child when/if they die. Fear for the every second their child is out of their sight, because you know that in their lifetime there is a very, very, very high percentage of abuse and that teachers, carers, peers, and others will target your child due to their vulnerability. You know that many will never understand your child. Sometimes, it's a feeling of deep sadness, because you know your child is sad. You know how much they yearn for a friend, and to be accepted and you see that autism is what's stopping that from happening. As parents, we feel so strongly a need to take away these struggles from our kids. We want so much for them to be happy. Sometimes, the parents are just exhausted. They need sleep and they need a break. There's so much worry that accompanies the parents of autistic children, even when they grow up. You see autism as the problem. If there were no autism, then these problems wouldn't exist.
But, autism does exist. It's a part of me and not separable from me, or my sons. If someone gets upset about one of my autistic behaviors, I feel they are upset with me. When they hate autism, they hate a part of me. That makes it feel shameful, and bad. Like, something I need to hide away. In doing this, I have carried so much extra burden and self hate. I am now at a place in my life where I am tired of carrying it. My neurological differences are not shameful. They are just different. I need to put this extra weight down and relieve myself from carrying these expectations of what society says I should be. Not because I think autism is something spectacular, but because it's part of who I am and it's not going anywhere. I may as well accept it. I can't change it. I can't change the fact that Beans will likely never speak, and may not even be potty trained as an adult. I can't change that Bubby may never go to sleepovers with other boys or be able to read other people's intentions. It is what it is. Some days are good. Some days aren't. Some days coping seems to be all I can do. I always want my boys to think of themselves as someone who is loved, and deserving of the same respect everyone else is. I want them to know that their differences may make them different, but still people of value. I don't ever describe the using words that are negative. I don't want them to see themselves that way and I sure as hell don't want society thinking of them that way. Sometimes, I hate it when Beans chews up my power cord to my laptop, or pees on the floor. I hate the situation , not the autism. I hate when Bubby throws a fit over a routine change. I hate the situation, not the autism. I hate when I go to a social occasion and end up mute, not being able to join in socially, even if I want to. I hate the situation, not my autism, and subsequently myself.
That's my take. As I said, always happy to hear others. Life is guaranteed to come with struggles. Some more painful, than others. Some, seeming more unfair than others, but we all have our own. Please try to remember that when speaking to others.
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