Thursday, October 31, 2019

The Unlikable

I feel the topic of loneliness and isolation has made a frequent appearance on my blog over the last few years. It's woven into many posts, and has been the center subject of more than a couple for sure. Though, I have talked about how those feelings have shaped my life and continue to do so I don't think I have touched much on the topic of likeableness. I've described it in a few posts, but I think I mostly spoke about feeling disconnected from others, which of course I do.

But, in this post I want to delve into the topic of likeableness, or I suppose more specifically the general feeling of being unlikable.

Monday, October 21, 2019

Freestyle Ramble

It's getting to be be the latter part of October. The leaves are beginning to fall quickly from the trees and the colors are changing from olive greens to yellows and some rusty reds. In Kansas it's not always predictable what type of fall you'll get. Sometimes it might get too cold too quickly causing the leaves to fall from the trees before turning many colors at all, or other times there can be spectacular bursts of cascading colors that lasts into November.

Much like our fall my physical health is this way, especially this time of the year. Unpredictable. A few years ago when the migraines began to take hold I noticed that in fall they would get noticeably worse more years than not. I am kind of waiting to see how this one pans out. So far not much of a change in the norm of how it's been. I was finally able to see a specialist, so maybe a solution, or at least an improvement in the severity is on the horizon? Fingers crossed.

Tomorrow is Bubby's last IEP meeting. Yes. Last. He will graduate high school in May. He will turn 18 in about 2 weeks.

I will let that sink in for a second for long time readers. 😂

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Building Happiness

About two weeks ago my family and I went on a four day vacation into the scenic mountains of Colorado and forests of New Mexico. It had been about 16 long years since we had taken a real vacation, which pretty much meant ever for the boys and only once for hubby and I.

We took long drives through the most curvy roads and gorgeous views. There was no itinerary and nowhere in particular to be. There were stops in overnight cabins in the woods, cafe lunches and parks to see, trails to walk if we came across some and wanted to peruse them at the time. It was quiet, peaceful and uncrowded. Just the way I like it.

We did stop to see some friends as we traveled. One of those friends was from my husband's childhood. We hadn't seen him in 22 years or more. He'd been staying with us and then left for Colorado, and that was that. Twenty-two years and now we're all gray. I'm not sure how that happened. It didn't feel like it was that long ago. One day I'm 18 and trying to get by and the next somehow I'm 40.

The in between years were not exactly filled with joy and peace. Those were years of struggling. Of course, don't get me wrong, there were happy moments, but there were also many of turmoil, pain and healing. So much confusion from my own perspective of not knowing I was autistic, and having such a dysfunctional family always interfering with everything I did. It was like a black cloud that followed me everywhere and sabotaged all that I did. I had to recognize and break free from that, which then required healing. My husband has had some similar issues.

I am always looking for that extra piece of the puzzle, or clue on ways to be happier. How can I improve my life? Sometimes I'll get this small, little clue that will cross my path that will be too obscure to put into words. It will be more of a feeling or a gist than an action. Like one time I had to go to the hospital for a routine surgery and the way the staff interacted was a specific kind of way. I can't say it, or explain it, but I felt it and it was very positive and it clicked something inside of my brain that helped me to relate to others in that manner, too. I cannot explain it, but it changed my perception of life, and my attitude.

But, this is something a tad more explainable. Being away, in such beautiful scenery, and then that final click inside of my brain was when I saw a physical representation of time. My brain went, "Wait. Stop everything." I had to fully comprehend this. I just can't handle another 22 years in Kansas. Ugh. I don't like it here. I spent the first 35 years of my life struggling and healing from so much. Look how quickly time can go by. Can I stand another 22 in a place I don't like?  What if we were able to enjoy that kind of nature all the time, or at least lived close enough to it to enjoy some of the time?

I don't know. It was an awakening to something. It was a whisper of an answer to that restless feeling

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Authenticating My Look- Which Type Are You?

One of the goals that I recall having the year before last was to get more (or back) into fashion. I don't follow a lot of new trends, or wear a lot of makeup. However, I have always liked looking nice, though. Chic, maybe? I have always liked building a wardrobe that serves as an extension of who I am, my particular style,  my flavor. I see it as not a way of buying certain brands, fitting in and being trendy, but as an art form of self-expression. I've never particularly cared much for what was "in style" as much as what made me feel good when I wore it.

Confidence is important. When we feel good in what we're wearing we tend to shine a little brighter from the inside. It's why I always feel a little sad when I hear ladies say that they're waiting to lose weight to buy some new clothes. No. Go get a few pieces that make you feel wonderful NOW. Boost that confidence. Let yourself glow now and the better you feel the better you'll find you'll do at everything you truly want to do. When you're feeling good you'll feel like doing better, because you'll feel  like your value has been raised. It's a silly trick, but it works for most.

In my quest for building a basic wardrobe that I really liked I kept running into a few snags. One of them was that I would buy some pieces and get them home, and find them to be not very flattering on me. I would know that they go together. I do understand basic fashion rules, so it wasn't that I was not picking out the right outfits to match. They were also not too big, or small. I loved the style, but something was just.... not right.

I knew about all the tips and tricks for pear, apple and whatever shapes. These were not helping. I still found that my ability to determine whether an outfit was going to look decent on me was going to be a hit or miss. Sometimes it wasn't that noticeable until I was in a mirror from far away,  or at another angle besides one that was directly in front of me, or perhaps I saw myself in a picture.

Then I happened across some videos on YouTube about the David Kibbe body typing system. It was totally different than any of the other kinds before. All of the others were so basic compared to Kibbe's system. They relied on a couple of questions that predominately were based on flaws of the body and how to cover them up.' If you have an X shaped body wear this to balance it out and bring the eye to here' sort of thing. Up until this point it treated the female form as a punishment of curves and lines to balance and correct. Kibbe was way before his time as his book debuted in the late 80's,  I think it was. He sees the human body with an artist's eye. Very unique, he has 13 types that begin at Yin and stop at Yang. They are based on bone structure and how the flesh sits on the bones. (I will share a quiz at the end of this post, so you can see which one you are.)

Friday, May 3, 2019

Someone So Unimportant

I've never been an overly friendly neighbor. I wouldn't say I am not friendly at all, just maybe not social? I'm not going to want to chat every time I see my neighbors outside when I step out, or maybe even wave if I'm in a hurry. Every now and then a chat is okay and if they need something I'm always happy to help others.

However, we have some new-ish neighbors to the side of us whom are elderly and quite social. If the lady catches you outside it's a chore to get away in less than 20 minutes. She seems pleasant on the surface, but often her words are finely woven with hidden snark covered with charm. It's an art some older women excel at, especially the further south you go.

My point is, I have spoken to her enough times to get a feel of her personality. I have heard her screaming orders and insults at her husband enough to get a picture of who she is. I know her daughter lives around the corner and doesn't visit often to get an idea of who she is.

So, the other day when I was talking to her and she asked about my day with Beans and I said I was just getting home from taking him to speech therapy. She asks, "Is he verbal at all?" I said no. "But, he goes to speech therapy. Okay" She replied kind of rolling her eyes.

Monday, February 18, 2019

Growing Older

Ahhh... February. The tail end of winter. Where I live it tends to be the harshest, most wintry, winter time there is most years, all squished up into the smallest month. Sure we have some cold snaps November through April, but in terms of snow, ice, cold and viruses February most usually beats all other months in stats.

So, I am sitting here sipping lukewarm tea nursing my terrible head cold that seems to have taken hold of not just me, but my whole family. It's one that lingers, wandering away a tad one day only to come screaming back the next twice as bad as it was the day before. It's not following the usual schedule of a cold and I am starting to grow impatient and fatigued. Not just of my own health, but that of Beans who can't tell me what he needs, how he feels, and I don't think he fully understands it himself, so he gets really demanding and melty. He's also tired of the weather keeping him inside.

I think we can all agree that spring can't come soon enough.

One of the things that I have been doing with the few minutes of time between tending to  Beans is going through this blog and deleting posts that aren't relevant any longer starting from way back when it began in 2011. I haven't made it very far yet, but it's certainly been an eye opening experience for me to see how my writing has changed. Not just how much my writing has changed, but how much I have matured and my perceptions of life has blossomed into something so much different than I had ever expected, or realized. In the last 8 years from the age of 32 to 40 I have become a different version of myself that is definitely an improvement. Not that we ever become a different person, because I think the nature of who we are really doesn't ever change, but we do improve, or I guess deteriorate (whichever the case may be) on how we coordinate that nature with the world, how we express it and live it.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

This Year's Theme: Acceptance

I've never done well with new year's resolutions. I don't think I have ever even made a serious attempt to make any. I think a lot about it. I think a lot about a lot of things. I think thinking is probably my number one hobby if I am to be honest. Hahaha. But, I have never in my recollection, made resolutions on January 1st that require me to give up something, or change myself into something new for a new year. It's just not my style.

Goal setting, however... that is different. I know some people might see them as the same things with different names,  but to me they are not. Resolutions are, within this context, something to rid of, or banish. It feels like it's almost a punishment. Like, I'm gonna somehow be different come January 1st. December 31st, cake and alcohol, but January 1st it's all kale and smoothies. "I'm getting serious in 2019", I hear people say. It's straight from one extreme to another, usually without a long term plan of sustainability. Just the end goal in mind. People usually know what they want, and they have a kind of clue how to achieve it short term, but not on hard days, or days when things aren't following the plan, or all kinds of other obstacles.