Friday, March 30, 2012


Some may be wondering about where the video I posted earlier went. I felt self conscious about it and took it down. It happened again.  It's still happening right now, as a matter of fact....

By it I mean frustrations leading to meltdown status.  I'm not yet in a meltdown, but I could so easily slip right into one, as it's close enough to taste right now.  It's that sensation of nothing be right.  How wrong it all feels. My head is hurting, my stomach is in knots, and nothing feels right.  My skin recoils from every texture, my ears feel no respite from every noise that seems to be all on max volume.  I want to run away, but have someone hug me. I want t be left alone, but talk to someone.  These are my contradictions of meltdown.  Rational thought is still present, but contained in a bubble by itself, while emotional fretting is surrounding it.  I know this is nonsensical, but it's like I can't stop it.

I don't even know when and where it began. I know I read a few things this morning that didn't sit well with me, so I tried to explain my side. I was unable to do it satisfactory, at least in a way to persuade others that my view had merit.  It snowballed from here.  It has been one of those days where everything on-line that I tried to participate in went this way.  I think a normal person would have decided it was time to pack it up for the day several hours ago and busy themselves somewhere else.  Not me. I'm not normal.  I perseverate, and I do so with vigor.  These last few days I've seen a lot of ugliness in the autism community (both from NTs and autistics). I've seen a lot of irrational behavior and assumptions that make no sense and do not fit fact.  This is not merely my view on life, but real facts.  One person's fact can easily be seen as opinion from another perspective... which I know rationally.  But, my brain can't wrap itself around such a broad concept.  My brain says, it's either one or the other.  It's black or it's white. I can't. move. on.  I'm stuck in this pool of frustration.  This frustration leads itself to criticism.  I begin to fear that maybe it's me that's wrong. My thoughts circle around this idea like this:
Maybe that person doesn't like me anymore.
I'll bet they think I'm stupid.
I probably shouldn't post/say this.
I'll bet they think I'm crazy.
I am not successful.
I don't do anything right.
People in general don't like me.
I'm not a likable person.
Maybe I ought to find something else to do with my time.
No one will miss my blog/page anyway.
They all would rather me be quiet anyway.
I have nothing to offer of value.
Maybe, I'm not autistic.
Maybe there's something really wrong with me.
Why can't I stop from feeling so bad?
Maybe, I should delete this.
Maybe, I should delete my whole blog.
Why do I waste so much time?
I'll bet my husband is going to come home and just know I wasted my whole day on perseverating over something that is really minor.
He'll be disappointed.
I'll bet everyone is in me.
Why do I let everything bother me so much?
Why do I let my thoughts get so negative?
I wish I had someone to talk to that would understand.
I wish that I could talk to someone without feeling judged.
I wish I didn't feel like such a freak.
Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow has to be better.
This is embarrassing.

That is the making of pre-meltdown.  Actual meltdown would have had lots more cussing, and my anger eventually spewing the other way to others, where I would have deleted my page, blog, or at least some people.  I did go 'unlike' some pages, but I didn't do anything big.  Remembering my mantra:
"Don't do anything permanently stupid, because you're temporarily upset. "  I figure if I can hold off on any actions for a few hours, then if I still feel the same, the action can be carried out then.
So far, I'm a little calmer....