Why #Positive #Parenting?

When I created the event #PositiveParentingDay I wasn't sure what my blogging contribution would be. I thought about it for all week, and yet here I am at almost midnight with no real solid direction to go in.

At first I thought I could site studies that might prove positive parenting is effective, but I felt that might be boring to read, and in a way talking over most parents. I don't know that a lot of us know when a new study is really true, or if it's just science persuaded to support a pre-established ideal. I find most of the people that argue for aversive punishments to discipline children find comfort in doing what they know, and distrustful of new concepts that don't match what they know. So, the idea of quoting experts, and doctors wasn't appealing to me.

Then, I thought that maybe I might find some good quality sites to share about positive parenting. I thought that maybe that might help people who are unfamiliar with positive parenting know what it is, and what it isn't. I couldn't think of a way to make this entertaining, and not just a big info dump. The whole purpose of #PositiveParentingDay is to introduce parents to a different style of parenting that they may not know about, but I didn't want to do this by simply sharing links.

In the end, I have decided to just simply write about what positive parenting means to me, and why I choose to use it with my kids.

Positive parenting isn't a fancy method that I read about somewhere, or heard about on an afternoon talk show. It isn't the way I was raised, and it isn't the same exact thing other parents who use positive parenting. To me positive parenting describes where I am at as a parent of 3 very different kids. The way I have arrived where I am on this journey going on 17 years now is unique,

Giving Others Your Attention and Respect

As I hung up the phone my stomach pulled in with anger rising up through my body. I am a mature person (most of the time) so I refrained from spewing it into the ear of the inconsiderate person on the other end of the receiver.

She just committed one of my all time most disliked pet peeves.It was a miscommunication, which is frustrating, but it wasn't just the misunderstanding it was the careless way it was delivered that makes me upset. This happens to me frequently when I talk to office associates, but none as often as doctor offices. I get it.  I really do.  They get so many calls a day, and I am certain that most people want to tell them their life story, never getting to the point.  I answer the phone for my husband's tree business, and out of what every customer tells me during the majority of the calls only about 25% of it is necessary information. This is with people inquiring about their trees, yards, and lawn sprinklers, so one can imagine that being times ten with people calling about a health related concern. So, I do empathize that they have to move through conversations quickly. I get that they probably get used to filtering through about 1/3 of what they hear to get the really necessary info. The thing is, I don't speak that way. I am on a need to know basis with everyone. If you filter though any of my words you're not gonna end up understanding any of what I am asking, or trying to state.

The conversation went like this:

When Page Owners Have a Bad Day

Do you ever have those days where you're overflowing from too much pressure about one, or maybe even lots of different problems?  I think that everyone does.  I think some more than others.  I am having such a day, myself.  Not really emotional as much, as ummm... maybe.... intolerant?  I still don't think that fits what I am trying to convey.  I am having trouble finding, sorting, and communicating the words I'm meaning here.

I am pretty open about everything it seems in my life via this blog, and FB.  It would seem that my life is an open book with not a lot going on that I haven't spoken about, but like most people I have a private life that I keep .... well, private.  I don't always share my every issue, or even my every desperate struggle.  I might seem to many to be strong, and holding together, and 95% of the time, in 95% of my life I am.  Then, there's that 5% that I compartmentalize.  That is my OCD driven problems, and my private life kind of struggles (that let's face it most of us have at some point) part. This is the 5% that I hide, because it's my vulnerable area, and it's really not everyone's business. If you're a trusted friend, you already know what these are

My Autistic Son's Generous Spirit

When you here the word autism, the characteristics of sharing, love and compassion isn't always the first things to spring to mind.  I will admit not everyone on the autism spectrum possesses these character traits, but being autistic doesn't preclude one from excelling in the caring department.

I'd like to brag a little bit about my son Bubby, who is 11 and diagnosed with classic autism.  I think he displays a lot of positives traits everyday,

#Autism Is

Autism is..... A squeal let out on a high EEEEEEEEEEE

Autism is...... A look sideways at something unique

Autism is..... A feeling of awe from a deep touch

Autism is..... knowledge gathered, like an expert

Autism is...... A line of cars colorful and bright

Mindful Thinking-Sensory Awareness Day-4

In continuing with my efforts to blog more consistently about my new ideas of  mindful thinking and what strategies I'm applying to better meet my goals I'm happy to update that today is going okay, as well as yesterday.  The day before was pretty unhappy and unfocused.  Filled with lots of anxiety and negative thinking.  I still have so much work to do in determining triggers and not allowing them to be my primary focus, sending me into a tailspin of fret, worry and all sorts of negative thinking patterns that I would rather not waste my energy on.

Today, I was successful in identifying when I was being overzealous in my attempts to plan out my weekend.  I had this fantasy that since it was Mother's Day weekend I would somehow (don't ask me how) get the whole house sparkling clean and have time for some blogging and extra baking.  I thought that I might be able to get weeks worth of tasks miraculously done in two days.  By about 3 this afternoon I became aware of my illogical thinking.  My irrational goal was exposed for the life-sucker it has proved itself to be for the last 30 some years.  I told that thought that I couldn't listen to it.  I acknowledged it's existence, noticed it was there, thought about how nice it might be to have Monday (my day off I designated for myself, but more about that later) in a nice, orderly house.  Alas, this wasn't my life and the only way I would come close to this goal would be if I manically cleaned, and got on everyone else's case to do the same awarding me the most unpleasant mom to be around this Mother's Day weekend.  Now, I did not want that award.  That is probably the opposite of what I want, so I decided that it was best for me to do what I can and let it go.

As I am trying to be more aware of my feelings, where they originate at in my body, what triggered them, how I react, how they effect me, ect.. I have noticed a great deal of frustration buried deep in my stomach today.My sensory system is overloaded without provocation.  This happens from time to time, without so much as a warning or a reason.  I just have days where nothing feels right.  My clothes feel all wrong, my appetite is out of whack, I feel achey, irritated, and unable to tolerate noise.  Any noise and it just so happens that my house consists of noise coming from competing directions at any given time.  TV, video games, computers, Bean's toys and verbal stims.  My house is anything but quiet.    My husband isn't feeling well and when he feels unwell he wants cuddles.  Lots and lots of cuddles. This is not always my favorite activity unless it's at the designated times, but I do not like my routine interrupted with lots of hugs and kisses(unless you're Beans.  Beans always gets hugs and kisses!).  I'm trying to get things done.  My sensory system is hanging on by a thread of imminent meltdown and he needs hugs.  Denying him this (which is excruciatingly important to him) at this time is not going to turn out well, so I am dealing with it.  Maybe, I am getting sick as well and that's why I am feeling over my sensory limit from the get-go?  Who knows?

Mindful Thinking-Anxiety Day 1

Today, I am still actively aware and working on my need for obsessing, and attempts at perfection.

My first thoughts this morning was a loooong list of important 'to-do's' which left me feeling overwhelmed and panicky. I decided to take one small task at a time and not worry about the whole day and minor tasks.  I want to be calm and feel optimistic, but reeling in stress about daily tasks is not achieving that.  I decided that I value being calm and optimistic more than I value having a clean house, all my errands ran, and exercises done. I realized that I could do some of those things without going to the extreme of all or nothing, black and white thinking that usually plagues me and hold my emotions hostage as I get more and more panicky trying to achieve it all.

I am still feeling anxious about possibly not getting everything done that I'd like to.  I'm still feeling anxious about posting this.  Feeling uncomfortable is okay. Discomfort is my body's way of letting me know that I am testing new waters.  That's a good thing, because without discomfort my life will never grow.  You can't get different results by doing the same things, so I am going to keep it up.  I think this is something that is difficult for many on the autism spectrum.  We see the world in such detail that we want everything to be 'just right'.  Combining that with our tendency to be black and white rigid thinkers an, and it's a sure way to a path of anxiety and depression.  I will continue to post daily or every other day on how I'm changing my old habits into new, more productive ones that align much better with the things in life that I value.  Every minute of everyday offers up opportunities to change that one thought, that one action,that one word to be more reflective of a life that I choose.  I choose confidence, self esteem, family, love, kindness over self-defeat, sadness, isolation and frustration.  It's my life and I need to take responsibility to make these things manifest.

So, today my goal is to not worry about getting everything done, staying vigilant in getting what I need to done (means not over-thinking or spending time I don't have on FB and Twitter! lol) and feeling good in knowing that I'm doing what I love, no matter what else happens, or what others may think.

Inner Aspie to "I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers" - An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

Dear 'I Wish I Didn't Have Asperger's'


When I think of that statement I think about the times when I, myself, thought it.  My mind skips back years in time where my own journey wasn't always easy.  Those times, are hard to think of now.  I still have those times now where I think, just for a moment, that I wish I didn't have Asperger's. This letter may well be for me to reflect on during those moments as much as for others out in cyberpsace looking for some consolation.  This letter may be for my son, when he gets a little older and thinks 'I wish I didn't have autism' during his moments of inevitable struggle.

What would I like to say to the child that I once was and to other autistic children out there right now?  I'd like to remind them that the things that seem to huge now won't be in a few years.  I wish I'd known that when I was alone at recess, or picked last at PE everyday.  I'd tell them that it's okay to be an individual and pursue your own interests, instead of worrying if the other kids will approve.  I'd tell them, you will find a friend, a good one.  Just be patient. Do not accept 'friends' that treat you less than in order to have a friend. I'd say, you are good enough, just as you are. Repeat that to yourself until you know it to be true.  This will be the one thing, if any that I would make sure that I as a child would have known.  I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all.

What would I say to that awkward adolescent that I once was, and to the other autistic adolescents out there?  I'd tell them to just hold on.  I know it's hard right now. Being a teenager is hard for everyone, but even harder for us on the spectrum. I'd tell them that they'll get a chance to date and find love.  I know it can be lonely.  I know everyone else is telling you to be patient and the right one will come along.  I know you're tired of that cliche.  I know these words won't stop you from feeling lonely, but please let them soothe you some into knowing that it will happen.  It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next week, but please know that you will not be lonely forever.  If I had a way to tell my former teenaged self something, I'd have told myself to keep busy doing what I like, being confident with myself and the dates and friends would come naturally.  Fretting, obsessing and constantly trying to problem solve will make relationships harder to come by and quite possibly prevent them from happening in the first place.  Getting a boyfriend or friends is not like a math problem or crossword puzzle.  It can't be solved by intellectual thought.  It has to go through the natural stages to evolve.   I'd tell myself that I need to learn about meditation and find a good therapist to help me learn about emotions. I'd tell autistic teens that what others think don't matter as much as what you think of yourself.  Pay attention to keeping things in order on the inside and things on the outside will be much smoother.  Learn how to detect and handle your emotions.  This is not something that is firsthand for us.  It needs to be learned and is crucial to success.

I'd tell teens to take advantage of the internet.  The amount of support available is endless. Find other ASD teen to chat with.  Find ASD adults to mentor you.  We are here.  We've been where you are and understand.  We can help guide you and are more than happy to do so.  Don't post on Facebook or constantly tell your peers that you're lonely ect... This will have the opposite effect you are hoping for.  Find some online support group to confide in.

For young autistic adults, I'd tell them most of all, that it's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to not know things.  There is no shame in needing assistance.  Don't try to do everything on your own to prove that you can and to prove you're independent!  It takes a strong person to ask for help when they need it.  Don't drive yourself into the ground with anxiety and depression by trying to do it on your own.  Find support from somewhere.  Sometimes, with some of us, it won't be family.  We'll have to find it somewhere else.  Take advantage of disability services when and if you need them. 

What I would want any autistic person to know, is that being autistic is okay. Don't waste a minute of your life hiding away who you are trying to be someone you're not.  Do what you love, and love what you do. This will help instill pride.  Immerse yourself into positive actions and let that direct you to self worth.  Don't ever let the bullies in your life win by repeating their stories in your head through the years.  If you can't shut the stories off, get to therapy to help you.  Know, I mean really know that you have worth just as you are.  Be authentic.  Be compassionate with yourself.  You are going to have bad days.  You are going to have sensory issues and meltdowns.  Again, learn your body and emotions. It will give you a better opportunity to handle these things when they come up.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when these things happen. Remember:  " I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all ." That is your new mantra.  The world can be noisy and overwhelming. Sometimes, you might feel like it's all too much, or your heart literally aches with loneliness.  Please, remember that there's many of us that share your story or care very much.  We have autism, too, or children that are autistic, or friends, and family.  You're not alone. Reach out to us.  We're here.

The Undateables? Not quite.

Has anyone in the UK seen the show 'Undateables'?  I haven't, but from what I've seen I 'm still leaning toward the POV that it's voyeuristic and portraying the misinformed public opinion that disabled people are less than in the world of romance.  One thing I do see is that it is in the spot light and people are now talking about it.  That means that the general public is having to think about the generally accepted stereotype that people with disabilities are somehow not meant for love, relationships, and sex.  We can and we are, and do do those things.  People most often hate, or repel what they don't understand.  I am hoping this show can help everyday people empathize with disabled people in the way that they see they're not so different after all. It won't seem so odd anymore, thus removing some stigma.  Getting a discussion going, exchanging opinions and getting people really thinking can all be good things.  Humiliating vulnerable people that just want love is a where I'd see the show possibly being negative.

What's your opinion of the program?

Part Of Me

There's been so much controversy here in the autism community lately about what's okay to say and who has the rights to say it.  I think that it's always best to try to not be offensive to others, but free speech is so important to me that I believe that everyone has a right to express how they feel, even if it's something I vehemently disagree with.  I still want to hear your side. I want to know what is behind those opinions, those thoughts.  Strong words usually have a story behind them. I want to hear that story and understand what has caused you to take such a strong stance.  I want to hear what makes you think that autism sucks, or why you hate it.  I want to know why some of you feel that only the parents of children with severe autism have a reason to feel angry, or the only ones that can really understand 'true' autism.

Usually, when I try to listen I get past the words to the emotions.  These emotions are strong. Sometimes, they are desperate ones. Sometimes, they are angry over lost time, money, health. Sometimes, they are sad. They are sad for what they think or even know their child endures daily. Sometimes, these emotions are from fear. Fear of who will care for their child when/if they die. Fear for the every second their child is out of their sight, because you know that in their lifetime there is a very, very, very high percentage of abuse and that teachers, carers, peers, and others will target your child due to their vulnerability.  You know that many will never understand your child.  Sometimes, it's a feeling of deep sadness, because you know your child is sad. You know how much they yearn for a friend, and to be accepted and you see that autism is what's stopping that from happening. As parents, we feel so strongly a need to take away these struggles from our kids. We want so much for them to be happy. Sometimes, the parents are just exhausted. They need sleep and they need a break.  There's so much worry that accompanies the parents of autistic children, even when they grow up. You see autism as the problem. If there were no autism, then these problems wouldn't exist.

But, autism does exist. It's a part of me and not separable from me, or my sons.  If someone gets upset about one of my autistic behaviors, I feel they are upset with me. When they hate autism, they hate a part of me. That makes it feel shameful, and bad. Like, something I need to hide away. In doing this, I have carried so much extra burden and self hate. I am now at a place in my life where I am tired of carrying it.  My neurological differences are not shameful.  They are just different. I need to put this extra weight down and relieve myself from carrying these expectations of what society says I should be.  Not because I think autism is something spectacular, but because it's part of who I am and it's not going anywhere. I may as well accept it.  I can't change it.  I can't change the fact that Beans will likely never speak, and may not even be potty trained as an adult. I can't change that Bubby may never go to sleepovers with other boys or be able to read other people's intentions. It is what it is. Some days are good. Some days aren't.  Some days coping seems to be all I can do. I always want my boys to think of themselves as someone who is loved, and deserving of the same respect everyone else is.  I want them to know that their differences may make them different, but still people of value.  I don't ever  describe the using words that are negative. I don't want them to see themselves that way and I sure as hell don't want society thinking of them that way.  Sometimes, I hate it when Beans chews up my power cord to my laptop, or pees on the floor.  I hate the situation , not the autism.  I hate when Bubby throws a fit over a routine change.  I hate the situation, not the autism.  I hate when I go to a social occasion and end up mute, not being able to join in socially, even if I want to.  I hate the situation, not my autism, and subsequently myself. 

That's my take. As I said, always happy to hear others.  Life is guaranteed to come with struggles.  Some more painful, than others. Some, seeming more unfair than others, but we all have our own. Please try to remember that when speaking to others.