I talked a little bit about loneliness, and feeling left out in my post This Is What Loneliness Feels Like To Me. I'd like to take a step further into that realm, and describe how this impacts my life.
I am the person that you always see sitting on the sidelines. In a group of people in real life, or on-line, I will find a cozy little corner, and paint myself into it. Part of that reason is this phenomenon where I have trouble finding my words.
Showing posts with label nonverbal cues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nonverbal cues. Show all posts
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
This Is What Loneliness Feels Like To Me
I'm not sure how to frame this post, or what to call it. I don't know how loneliness feels to others on the spectrum, or to anyone else, for that matter. It's a very private feeling that is hard to describe. That's why I can only speak for myself. I don't know that my loneliness is a side effect of Asperger's. I think it is, but I don't know for sure how others experience it, if they do at all.
When I was a teen I remember having this conversation with a 'friend' where she said "You can be in a room full of people, and still be lonely". I replied that I didn't think that made sense. How can one be alone, and with others at the same time. She maintained that there was a big difference between alone and lonely.
When I was a teen I remember having this conversation with a 'friend' where she said "You can be in a room full of people, and still be lonely". I replied that I didn't think that made sense. How can one be alone, and with others at the same time. She maintained that there was a big difference between alone and lonely.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Awkward Encounters
Being able to converse in a social situation is not natural to me. For some people, it can be, but it depends on the person and the situation. I have 'faces' I put on for specific places and people. There are different rules for how one behaves at work, or at a casual lunch with friends, for instance. These rules are not instinctual for me, so I have to cognitively list them, which in some ways very much feels as if I am putting on an act. It's not natural, or intuitive.
I explain it sort of like this. In my head is a big, big rolodex full of pictures that represent different social situations. When I go to an IEP meeting, I find the card that has the appropriate way to behave and look in that situation, for example. I overlay this with other clues that I can roll around and access by proxy of each other to come up with the proper things to say, wear and so on. I mentally have to prep myself. I pick what to wear, what might need to be said, and get a feeling of what to expect. If the situation is new, I might try to do some research beforehand to acclimate myself. If I don't have that sort of time I might try to quickly access the closest 'card' that I have currently on file in my head (experience) and apply the rules from that one.
So, for most people I'm sure that I seem like I am 'normal'. My hair is nice, my make up is on, and my clothes are arranged well in moments where appearance counts. I think that often times I may even seem to be more on top of things and together than others. It wasn't by accident, or due to me wanting to upstage. I'm most certainly not more together than the average mom, because I have some super power. It's because having all my ducks in a row, lots of prep and lots of order is the only thing that allows me to do what I do. This is my way of coping.
So, imagine what happens when I am minding my own business in a public place and I see someone I know. The routine is different and the context is off. This person is not supposed to be here in this environment! My brain scrambles to make sense, and in this moment I flee. It's not that I don't want to have smalltalk, because I dread the drudgery. The person I see may well be someone I like and want to talk to, but they don't belong here and I can't find my script. I know that if they try to talk to me there is a 50% chance I'll go mute and be unable to talk. The other 50% is okay, if my brain can align itself quickly enough to access the proper 'card' for this person. Words in social situations aren't free flowing. They are (unless I'm totally comfortable with the other person) hard to come by and rely heavily on pre-written scripts. So, I will, if I think I might get away with it hide, or at the least pretend I don't see them so at least they have to be the ones to take the lead in the conversation. I'll dive around corners and grocery store aisles in my attempts to not have to converse. I know that I have been caught trying to avoid people in these sorts of situations and it hurt the other person's feelings. I never meant to and I hope that if this ever happens to you that maybe you'll give the other person the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are struggling with a social issue and not take it personally.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Spot the Autism
This video here poses a question about being able to 'spot the autism' . I did right away, but I will post it and continue with my writing below so you can take a moment to watch it, so as I don't give away my point.
Were you able to see it? I found this on a FB page about autism. The page owner said she had experience with autism for over 25 years and couldn't spot the autistic child in the video until it was pointed out to her. I interjected that I could right away and attempted to explain why in one or two sentences. The entire thread continued on about services being so wonderful and inclusion and latidah.... everyone putting in their two cents about how they could never ever tell... completely ignoring the fact that I said anything. Apparently, they don't acknowledge any autism unless it fits their definition of what they think autism is and me and my words weren't it, as well as this little girl's actions. The girl in the video could have been me as a child easily. She is not behaving non-autisticly. She is copying NT behavior. That is how I can tell she was on the spectrum, immediately. She is me as a child, and even now as adult. Watch carefully, and you'll see that she is always one second behind everyone else. She pauses and looks around to see what she is supposed to be doing in that moment, then does it. She is becoming a master chameleon. When in doubt, just follow along, as been my motto for my whole life. I can fit into any situation that I need to by smiling and mirroring. It isn't natural. It never will be. That's why socializing with others is so tiring and difficult. It's like doing a huge math problem in my head.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think that that inclusion is a bad thing, or that ASD kids can't be taught social skills. I think inclusion is great and we can most definitely learn social skills, but it's not ever going to be second nature to us. All I am saying is please don't ever think that if ASD kids are force fitted into social situations we will by osmosis become more typical, because that's not what necessarily happens. We may learn to fake it more, but it will always be an act. As for the original intent of the video, I really don't see where schools try to exclude kids with autism. I've always had the opposite problem, which is getting schools to address my son's (Bubby, because he is more like the girl in this video) autism. That's another post for another day, though!
Were you able to see it? I found this on a FB page about autism. The page owner said she had experience with autism for over 25 years and couldn't spot the autistic child in the video until it was pointed out to her. I interjected that I could right away and attempted to explain why in one or two sentences. The entire thread continued on about services being so wonderful and inclusion and latidah.... everyone putting in their two cents about how they could never ever tell... completely ignoring the fact that I said anything. Apparently, they don't acknowledge any autism unless it fits their definition of what they think autism is and me and my words weren't it, as well as this little girl's actions. The girl in the video could have been me as a child easily. She is not behaving non-autisticly. She is copying NT behavior. That is how I can tell she was on the spectrum, immediately. She is me as a child, and even now as adult. Watch carefully, and you'll see that she is always one second behind everyone else. She pauses and looks around to see what she is supposed to be doing in that moment, then does it. She is becoming a master chameleon. When in doubt, just follow along, as been my motto for my whole life. I can fit into any situation that I need to by smiling and mirroring. It isn't natural. It never will be. That's why socializing with others is so tiring and difficult. It's like doing a huge math problem in my head.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think that that inclusion is a bad thing, or that ASD kids can't be taught social skills. I think inclusion is great and we can most definitely learn social skills, but it's not ever going to be second nature to us. All I am saying is please don't ever think that if ASD kids are force fitted into social situations we will by osmosis become more typical, because that's not what necessarily happens. We may learn to fake it more, but it will always be an act. As for the original intent of the video, I really don't see where schools try to exclude kids with autism. I've always had the opposite problem, which is getting schools to address my son's (Bubby, because he is more like the girl in this video) autism. That's another post for another day, though!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Different Perspectives: Eye Contact
On this Different Perspectives I'd like to talk a little bit about eye contact and what it might mean to NTs and autistics. As always, I am only me, so I may or may not be in sync with your experience, or the autistic person in your life. We're all a little different, but I like to do these Perspective posts about my experiences as well as based on some of the common things I've heard from others on and off the spectrum. I'm always a little more than worried that I am going to get a hoard of comments saying that what I write doesn't fit their experiences, ect, ect... So,,, with that dislcaimer out of the way, let's talk about eye contact.
Eye Contact for Neurotypicals:
Eye contact for a typical person is a way of communicating. They can cue into emotions, thoughts, and other nonverbal cues just by looking at each other's eyes. It's a show of respect and attentiveness to make eye contact with someone as you converse. No eye contact, or broken/poor eye contact also holds meaning to typical people in the way of nonverbal communication. It can mean the other person is bored, or finds you unimportant. It can mean they're shy, or anxious. Poor eye contact can also be indicative of dishonesty, as one doesn't want others to read that they may be lying in their eyes they may look away while fibbing, or ashamed. To people not on the spectrum eye contact is just as important as the words we use to speak. So much meaning is attributed to eye gaze!
Eye contact for People on the Autism Spectrum:
I've heard some autistic people describe looking into other people's eyes painful, like looking into the sun. For me, it's an emotional pain. It feels overwhelming, like a switch gets flipped inside my head and I hear, nor feel anything else. My adrenaline goes up, and I feel like running away. I will look away as a way to ease this and to pay attention to the other person. I can't hear and look at another person at the same time. It feel to me like a gross invasion of my space, of my being. It feels like someone is taking something from me which is so personal and part of me. Something that I am not willingly giving, but is being taken by force. It feels so personally invasive, as if someone is reading my thoughts without my permission. I obviously know that no one can, or is, but it feels like they are. If I am having to feign eye contact for something important, say a job interview or something similar, I am too busy counting seconds and trying to be appropriate with the amount of eye contact that I'm avoiding staring or looking inattentive, yet I am being very [preoccupied with all of this to the point that the very thing NTs do to show attention is the opposite of what I am doing. There is no point to doing it, as it doesn't indicate my level of attention, nor will I ever get any kind of communication from it. It is purely for show, and is quite painful for most on the autism spectrum.
I would urge parents to think about this before making eye contact a big deal with their ASD kids, or a part of their therapy plan. I know it is common for speech paths in particular to bring a desired or requested item up to their eyes making the child fix eye gaze before receiving the item. I will not allow such methods to be used with my boys. To me, it is disrespecting who they are and their rights to feel safe, and have their personal space. I'd never allow anyone to do anything to them repetitively that makes them feel antagonized, or fearful, yet this is exactly how eye contact makes most on the spectrum feel.
With that being said, there are some situations where an adult on the spectrum may need help learning how to feign eye contact. I mentioned job interviews, earlier. That one is a biggie, becasue as unfair as it seems, that few minutes of nonverbal communication is crucial to whether or not a company is going to consider hiring you or not, even if you have a killer resume. Unfortunately, I do feel that this is much more of a stigma for males than females, who might come off as passive, shy, and maybe a bit submissive if they don't make as much eye contact. Males might look the same (which unfair as it is, will be held against them) as well as other more devious characteristics might also be wrongly assumed by an interviewer.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about eye contact and what it means to you.
Eye Contact for Neurotypicals:
Eye contact for a typical person is a way of communicating. They can cue into emotions, thoughts, and other nonverbal cues just by looking at each other's eyes. It's a show of respect and attentiveness to make eye contact with someone as you converse. No eye contact, or broken/poor eye contact also holds meaning to typical people in the way of nonverbal communication. It can mean the other person is bored, or finds you unimportant. It can mean they're shy, or anxious. Poor eye contact can also be indicative of dishonesty, as one doesn't want others to read that they may be lying in their eyes they may look away while fibbing, or ashamed. To people not on the spectrum eye contact is just as important as the words we use to speak. So much meaning is attributed to eye gaze!
Eye contact for People on the Autism Spectrum:
I've heard some autistic people describe looking into other people's eyes painful, like looking into the sun. For me, it's an emotional pain. It feels overwhelming, like a switch gets flipped inside my head and I hear, nor feel anything else. My adrenaline goes up, and I feel like running away. I will look away as a way to ease this and to pay attention to the other person. I can't hear and look at another person at the same time. It feel to me like a gross invasion of my space, of my being. It feels like someone is taking something from me which is so personal and part of me. Something that I am not willingly giving, but is being taken by force. It feels so personally invasive, as if someone is reading my thoughts without my permission. I obviously know that no one can, or is, but it feels like they are. If I am having to feign eye contact for something important, say a job interview or something similar, I am too busy counting seconds and trying to be appropriate with the amount of eye contact that I'm avoiding staring or looking inattentive, yet I am being very [preoccupied with all of this to the point that the very thing NTs do to show attention is the opposite of what I am doing. There is no point to doing it, as it doesn't indicate my level of attention, nor will I ever get any kind of communication from it. It is purely for show, and is quite painful for most on the autism spectrum.
I would urge parents to think about this before making eye contact a big deal with their ASD kids, or a part of their therapy plan. I know it is common for speech paths in particular to bring a desired or requested item up to their eyes making the child fix eye gaze before receiving the item. I will not allow such methods to be used with my boys. To me, it is disrespecting who they are and their rights to feel safe, and have their personal space. I'd never allow anyone to do anything to them repetitively that makes them feel antagonized, or fearful, yet this is exactly how eye contact makes most on the spectrum feel.
With that being said, there are some situations where an adult on the spectrum may need help learning how to feign eye contact. I mentioned job interviews, earlier. That one is a biggie, becasue as unfair as it seems, that few minutes of nonverbal communication is crucial to whether or not a company is going to consider hiring you or not, even if you have a killer resume. Unfortunately, I do feel that this is much more of a stigma for males than females, who might come off as passive, shy, and maybe a bit submissive if they don't make as much eye contact. Males might look the same (which unfair as it is, will be held against them) as well as other more devious characteristics might also be wrongly assumed by an interviewer.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about eye contact and what it means to you.
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