Today is my birthday. This last week I have been thinking back on my life, and how things are. I have a hard time believing that I am 36. It doesn't feel possible. When I was younger I always felt so mature for my age, but now as I age I feel my internal clock is moving in reverse. I feel like I am still in my twenties, and the 90's were just 10 years ago.
I was thinking about the things I like about my life, and the winding path that has taken me to where I am. I was also thinking about the things I am tired of, and done with. Things that I said I wanted to change a long time ago, but realized I never bothered with. I began to compile a mental list in my mind about these things. Things I felt I was too old for, or done with.
I'm too old to keep being the victim. I know this one seems to be a bit strange to say, but hear me out. We've all had bad things happen to us. A lot of the things that happen to us when young is not our fault. We have no say in what kind of family we're born into. We have no say over a lot of the most painful of life's circumstances. They happen to us no matter who we are. We're all going to experience the loss of a loved one at some point in our lives, for example. However, there are so many things we do have control over. These are the situations that I am talking about when I say that I am too old to keep playing the part of the victim. I think what often happens is that many of us that came from dysfunctional families where we were not accepted, or cared for tend to subconsciously seek that pattern in other relationships. This is not to say that we want to keep feeling bad, but we are used to it. It's comfortable. It's the role we know, so we play it. I know this has been the case for me. I don't like being rejected, or never having my needs considered by others, yet it keeps happening in so many of my relationships. Somehow, I keep seeking this role out, hating it all the way.
I'm done with it.
I need to actively seek to better my life, and not blame others for my own problems. If I don't have enough help, or enough affection, or enough anything I need to problem solve on how to resolve this. I can't keep just expecting others to meet my needs without me being active in putting the process in place.
With that being said.....
I'm too old to be giving myself away. This one goes with the victim role I was talking about above. I'm getting too old to keep getting into the role of people pleaser. I am getting too old to waste time on people that are only there to take advantage of me. I can't keep being taken by the same type of people, and expect my life to not feel drained.