Thoughts for 2017

In one of my recent posts I posed a few questions to get me (and hopefully all of you) thinking about the things I'd like to bring into this year, and where my mindset is in relation to my goals. I wanted to have this post done before January 1st, which is funny to me, since it's now January 22nd. Sooooo, as you can tell, my new year is busy. It's okay, though. It happens.

Let's dive in with the questions.

What has gone right/well this year? How do you plan to keep facilitating this into next year?


For me I would say that my relationship with my husband has improved, and he has been helping out around the house, and with the kids so much more. I would facilitate this by encouraging him, and making sure he knows I appreciate him, which are not my strengths, so that will take some work on my part to remember.


What has not gone as well as you'd hoped, and how do you plan to cope/change with it this next year?

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

Sense of Self:Part 3

This is a continuation of the Sense of Self posts that I have been written so far.  I'm not sure where to go with it, or what direction I'm heading.  This topic is so general and almost infinite it and of itself I feel that I could type forever and never get to a point... so I'm just gonna dive back in and start going where ever my mind takes me.

I have noticed a radical change in my 'self' as I have began meditating.  It has been something of a treasure that was always there, but I have fully captured the essence of it now. I knew that this place of mind where I could openly feel without trepidation existed, but it didn't always feel available to me.  I could catch glimpses of it out of the corner of eye and feel it at my fingertips... It seemed mostly out of reach, until recently.

But first, what is 'self'.  This seems to be such a big question that many have asked and answered.  When asked most NT (neurotypical) people will begin to describe their social roles, ie; 'I'm a mother, a teacher, a wife...'.  I'm not engaging in bigotry, or saying that they're wrong to do this.  I'm just pointing out what most say and do, so please hold off the PC squad on this one.  This answer never seemed to make sense to me.It didn't make much sense with the Asperger ladies that I have discussed this topic with, either.  I am a mother, and I like what I do for an occupation (if you can call it that) and I love being married to my husband, but is me? Is it what defines me? I have to say no.  No, it isn't because I existed before my husband, my children, my career. I was me before they were around and if they were all to disappear tomorrow, I'll still be me.  So, if 'me' isn't that, then, what is it?  That was the question that I set to find out.  That was part of the reason I ended up on the path to Buddhism and Mindfulness.  I needed an alternate explanation to the riddle 'what is self?'

First, before I could move onto defining myself in any way I had to learn self awareness.  This was a feat for this aspie. I had to know what I was feeling, and when.  I had to identify my emotions and my wants and needs.  I had to learn about me, then let go of me.  I learn to recognize the little twinges of desire and the small nags of irritation.  Where I carried my anger, where I felt my sadness, where I stored my breath in anxiety.  This was all parts of me.  Parts that I didn't know existed within me in such subtle forms.  This journey of self discovery was overwhelming, but exhilarating.


Once, I could label my emotions and what they meant to me I could now begin to learn to let them go.  My awareness now moved to time. Nothing is permanent.  This moment is no more important than any of yesterday or tomorrow.  What meaning I attach to it is one that is arbitrary.  One that is made up and only experienced by me. Don't believe me?  Think of a time where life was difficult. When you look back things don't seem so bad, do they?  You may even have thought that you'll never feel better, or different, but you did.You have. While there is no doubt that we can and do suffer as humans, it's the attachments that we tack onto these emotions that we struggle with.

I feel that my self, me is defined by what I do,what I say what I am in every moment.  It's never static.  It's the choices I make that make me in this moment.  My values and goals and how I choose to fit them into my life, is me.  Every moment of everyday, I get to choose who I want to me to be.  How I respond to stranger at the store, or my naughty child, or frustrated husband.  My actions at that given moment define me.  I'd like to think that I am a kind, generous, supportive, person, among other qualities.  Before, I react to another person, or speak/act at all, I try to pause and ask myself if the person that I want to be is supported and defined by what I'm about to do.  If I say no, that wouldn't be kind, generous, supportive, ect... then I have the option of behaving in a different way.  One in which the me that I want to be is who that I am.

Playing the Asperger's Card

As a person with AS I know that the level of severity is different in different areas for different people who are diagnosed with Asperger's.  However, I have noticed a trend here lately with AS males specifically who do things that are illegal, and wrong, then attempt to play the autism card.  No.  Not okay. This Guy for instance. He is on his way to being a serial rapist and he cries Asperger's.  I'm sorry, but since when did AS damage one's ability to know that it's not okay to run down the street sexually assaulting women?

There's been other stories I've heard of lately that I'd probably incite a voracious argument on my blog if I were to name them, due to my less than popular opinion on them. I will say in general, if one has at least an average IQ and has Asperger's then you have the ability to know right from wrong and to control your impulses toward your obsessions. Having a special interest in something doesn't make one excused for the laws that the rest of society has to follow.  I also find it damaging to use that as a defense, because it does nothing for inclusion and understanding of Asperger Syndrome.  It paints us as a group of unstable, impulsive people who might at any minute do something immoral, or illegal if it is a part of our obsession. This is simply not true of all of us.  These stereotypes are harmful.

Time and to-do lists Part One:

There was something I noticed while trolling the many news feeds and such that I frequently read... there were many that were telling me how to get the most out of my day. How to maximize my whole time potential, like in this article here  .  I think if this woman was off her schedule by 10 minutes her whole day would probably fall apart.  Every minute seems planned and accounted for.  It seems that there are some that have that kind of control over their resources to be able to strategically plan that way.  Living with autistic children don't always go to plan, so making myself a priority in every waking moment of my pre-planned day would not work.  No matter how many spreadsheets of data I take on how I spend my time and how many 10 minute intervals that I allot myself to think. (rolls eyes) Who schedules time in to think? And, how have we become this multi-tasking society that pencils in every waking moment of everyday with tasks and activities?

That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas.  I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person)  to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals.  How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV?  Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day.  Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes.  Or feeling that nag of boredom.

I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down  I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more.  Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too.  Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off?  When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?

To be continued in the Next Post