Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Mitigating Negative Moods

Today I woke up to a dreary sky with bright leaves of fall scooting along the sidewalks and streets. Humid and cool. I felt unsettled from the moment I woke up. A feeling of pressure and slight heaviness that sets the day apart from one that I know is going to be a positive one. I can't always slice it all up right away. Am I sick? Is it a migraine? Am I hurt? Am I having one of those physically exhaustive days? What is going on? Without the answer I just move on. The day won't wait for one and it's never that clear right away.

So, I did. As the morning went on what did answer rather quickly was a rising sense of frustration and anger. I had no patience for anything. I felt a hair trigger away from a catastrophic meltdown toward anyone who crossed certain lines with me. Not just anyone or any argument, but certain people with certain topics mostly. I felt overwhelmed with emotion that threatened to seize my inner workings of my mind into slow motion. With my mood and limbs heavy the day is one to be survived more than tackled, or accomplished.

On these days I have to remember that I have been here and I will be here again, but each and every time I get past this mood. It is just a mood. It is just temporary. This is depression dressed as anger. It's visiting today, but it won't stay. It feels like this is forever. I feel like I have to react to all the feelings, because they are in my face taunting me. They threaten my ego. They tell me lies about my life and others in it. My nervous system feels on the edge of fight or flight and I am ready to fight,  so I'm looking for the the person, or situation who wants to trip that trigger. Of course I'm not looking on a conscious level. There's nothing I can do to change the way I feel. It's just here. Something to be mitigated and contended with.

When I was younger and I would have these strong emotional days I'd wonder two things. I'd wonder what was wrong with me that I had such a strong reaction to seemingly nothing, or possibly something, such as stress, or some other unknown and two; when was I going to be able to mature enough to where I would no longer feel this way?

Monday, October 22, 2018

Who is Turning Seventeen?!

I know it's been a minute since I have blogged. It's been even longer since I've written a personal, from the heart, rambling post. Time always has a way of slipping by. I intend to get over here all the time to write about this or that, but something else always comes up.

I've noticed that blogging in this kind of sense isn't as popular anymore. Most people are using YouTube for this type of thing and reserving blogs for business. That has made me wonder if I should keep writing. I have thought about vlogging, but it's just not the same to me. I don't love being on camera. Speaking doesn't allow me the creative room that writing does. It does allow more available time, I would think, but that is likely the only positive I can think of for that platform. So, for now I will write as time allows.

This week is going to be busy with a lot of big things. I have IEP meetings for both of the boys, or should I say "young men"! Ha ha. They are both in high school now. I am still homeschooling Beans, but he still gets speech services through the school district.

Bubby is a junior now and his meeting will be highly focused on transitioning out of high school and into some kind of vocational school, or program. He has stood firm in that he doesn't want to attend anymore schooling after high school, so I guess maybe it will be a program? They do have several around here that he can get started doing soon. It's an exciting and anxious time for me. I feel so nervous about helping him to make decisions. It feels like the beginning of school again, I guess. I used to feel so intimidated by the school administrators and think that it all seemed so scary and permanent. I realized a couple years ago that it wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be, and that I had all kinds of options for schooling if one didn't work out. I was stressing too hard over nothing. Now I have that part figured out, here comes another new chapter that feels scary. Guess that's how it goes.

Bubby will also be turning 17 Friday! He was so little when I began this blog. I can't believe he's already going to be 17.

Of course it's fall again.