Is Less More When It Comes To Social Media?

I read an article several weeks ago about how we overuse social media, because of fear. The fear had to do with feeling like we're missing out. If we're not connected, and paying attention we might miss something, or be left out of an important social loop. Now, in all logic most of us know that 90% of social media is not really ever very important. This is not to say that some wonderful things haven't been done on social media. I don't mean to negate important social movements, charity events, and other such things that do very seriously impact our daily lives. We have to admit that funny animals videos, memes, and pictures of our meals are not exactly earth changing in, and of itself. However, many of us really fear that if we don't check in we just might not be in the loop, or involved in the latest trends. We might find ourselves left out of events, or without knowledge that everyone else will know, but us.

I thought that this didn't apply to me. I really don't care about most social practices. However, I couldn't overcome, or shake this feeling of irritation, and agitation that I would get when engaged in browsing Facebook, and Twitter. It seemed like it was not adding to, but taking away from my life. I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to change some of my online habits, because they clearly were not working for me.

But, what to change seemed to be the impossible question. I had to find the source of my upset. Was it the amount of time I spent online, or was it the content? Was it both?

17 Tips for Eating Healthy on a Tight Schedule

Do you think that you're too busy to eat healthy? Do you often find yourself stopping at a convenient store, or drive thru due to tight schedules, and a a rumbling stomach?

This is such a common issue that I believe it is warranted a bump up on my blog posting list about developing healthier habits. On a previous post about this topic a reader asked me for some tips about how to eat healthy while balancing a hectic schedule. I would have liked to do a post about what to eat, and what to keep in check first, but I wanted to address this question, because it is a terrific one. I believe that time is probably one of the biggest, second only to maybe not having the correct information, obstacles most of us face in eating better, more nutritious food.

I will address the reasons why in a later post, but here are some tips to eating a healthy diet when busy:

*If you can afford it, take advantage of the already prepared produce trays at the store. This can cut down time when you're in a hurry, and is still likely less expensive to prepare a meal using already prepped ingredients than eating fast food.

*Cook things likes beans in bulk, and freeze them for tacos, and chili meals.

Understanding the Why When Teaching Autistic Children

I have seen a theme of discussion here lately about "pushing" autistic kids. From Temple Grandin's speeches to autism pages, and blogs that I read. I have posted, and spoken about it a lot on my own personal page, even going so far as to tag educators that work with my son. I somehow feel they probably don't appreciate that. Their knowledge comes from classroom teachers, and textbooks, which is fine. There is nothing wrong with that, but the picture is not complete without the perspective of people that are on the spectrum weighing in on the subject.  After all, we once were the kids they are teaching now.

I have argued in real time with some of the people that work with my sons about the idea of pushing. What it means, what it doesn't, and when it should occur, if ever. I still don't think I have made myself clear, or come to any agreement so far with many.

I think part of the issue is what does pushing really mean? Does that mean 40 hours of ABA? Does it mean constant repetition, and hand over hand?  Does it mean do this, and get this? This is where it gets sticky, because what seems like pushing to one person isn't to another.  We're all different in how we interpret things.

Change-How my brain processes it

 Edit: I just want to add that this is just a description of a temporary situation. I'm not in any distress right now and while I appreciate everyone's concern, I'm not in any need of support at the moment.

I feel my ears get hot and my jaw clench. My heart is racing and my eyes are are getting blurry. This is either anger, or anxiety. I am unsure which. All I know is, something unexpected happened. My regular routine was changed and I was not warned. I don't know how to take this. It feels personal. It feels like a big promise broken.  My pride feels hurt. I feel disrespected. I know that it's not that big of a deal, but it feels like it is. You tell me it's not, and that makes it worse. That makes it insult to injury. Now, I am most certainly shifting to mad. Anxiety doesn't feel this defensive, but it does feel threatening. I felt threatened, and now I feel like I have to defend my right to feel the way I do and be the person I am. I wasn't the one that made a last minute change. I am not the one who isn't making sense. You are. You changed it all without warning. You changed it all without explanation and now I don't know why. I need to know why. Is it me?  Is it something I did? Why do I feel like crying now? I must know why I am about to cry. I feel let down. I feel like I need a moment to regather my thoughts. They are racing. I think I asked you why you did this and why you changed your plans, because you say I did, but your answers don't make sense to me, so I will keep asking, until I tell you to leave me for a minute, if I remember to tell you this. Sometimes, when I am this upset, I forget. I forget to tell you that I need a minute. I ask you the same things and you get upset, which makes me more upset. Now, I know it's personal. Now, I know I need a break.  Now, you are mad, too. Now, you are telling me that I am illogical. I hate it when you say that. I don't think I like you right now.  Your words are overwhelming me with their force. I want to talk back, but I can't. Maybe, I could, but I know I shouldn't. When I feel this way my words are everywhere in anger. I just want to know why you acted different. Why did you do something out of the ordinary when we always do it in this order? Why can't you answer me with more reason? When I do things out of order I always have a reason. It's never because I felt like it. I feel like I've been lied to. I am angry. I need you to fix this, but you can't, because I am already upset. I need to be alone. I need to be in quiet. I need to know things are okay. I need to know that I am okay. I need to remember that life exists outside of this very overwhelming moment, even if it feels like forever is contained in this now.

Mindful Thinking-Sensory Awareness Day-4

In continuing with my efforts to blog more consistently about my new ideas of  mindful thinking and what strategies I'm applying to better meet my goals I'm happy to update that today is going okay, as well as yesterday.  The day before was pretty unhappy and unfocused.  Filled with lots of anxiety and negative thinking.  I still have so much work to do in determining triggers and not allowing them to be my primary focus, sending me into a tailspin of fret, worry and all sorts of negative thinking patterns that I would rather not waste my energy on.

Today, I was successful in identifying when I was being overzealous in my attempts to plan out my weekend.  I had this fantasy that since it was Mother's Day weekend I would somehow (don't ask me how) get the whole house sparkling clean and have time for some blogging and extra baking.  I thought that I might be able to get weeks worth of tasks miraculously done in two days.  By about 3 this afternoon I became aware of my illogical thinking.  My irrational goal was exposed for the life-sucker it has proved itself to be for the last 30 some years.  I told that thought that I couldn't listen to it.  I acknowledged it's existence, noticed it was there, thought about how nice it might be to have Monday (my day off I designated for myself, but more about that later) in a nice, orderly house.  Alas, this wasn't my life and the only way I would come close to this goal would be if I manically cleaned, and got on everyone else's case to do the same awarding me the most unpleasant mom to be around this Mother's Day weekend.  Now, I did not want that award.  That is probably the opposite of what I want, so I decided that it was best for me to do what I can and let it go.

As I am trying to be more aware of my feelings, where they originate at in my body, what triggered them, how I react, how they effect me, ect.. I have noticed a great deal of frustration buried deep in my stomach today.My sensory system is overloaded without provocation.  This happens from time to time, without so much as a warning or a reason.  I just have days where nothing feels right.  My clothes feel all wrong, my appetite is out of whack, I feel achey, irritated, and unable to tolerate noise.  Any noise and it just so happens that my house consists of noise coming from competing directions at any given time.  TV, video games, computers, Bean's toys and verbal stims.  My house is anything but quiet.    My husband isn't feeling well and when he feels unwell he wants cuddles.  Lots and lots of cuddles. This is not always my favorite activity unless it's at the designated times, but I do not like my routine interrupted with lots of hugs and kisses(unless you're Beans.  Beans always gets hugs and kisses!).  I'm trying to get things done.  My sensory system is hanging on by a thread of imminent meltdown and he needs hugs.  Denying him this (which is excruciatingly important to him) at this time is not going to turn out well, so I am dealing with it.  Maybe, I am getting sick as well and that's why I am feeling over my sensory limit from the get-go?  Who knows?

Mindful Thinking-Anxiety Day 1

Today, I am still actively aware and working on my need for obsessing, and attempts at perfection.

My first thoughts this morning was a loooong list of important 'to-do's' which left me feeling overwhelmed and panicky. I decided to take one small task at a time and not worry about the whole day and minor tasks.  I want to be calm and feel optimistic, but reeling in stress about daily tasks is not achieving that.  I decided that I value being calm and optimistic more than I value having a clean house, all my errands ran, and exercises done. I realized that I could do some of those things without going to the extreme of all or nothing, black and white thinking that usually plagues me and hold my emotions hostage as I get more and more panicky trying to achieve it all.

I am still feeling anxious about possibly not getting everything done that I'd like to.  I'm still feeling anxious about posting this.  Feeling uncomfortable is okay. Discomfort is my body's way of letting me know that I am testing new waters.  That's a good thing, because without discomfort my life will never grow.  You can't get different results by doing the same things, so I am going to keep it up.  I think this is something that is difficult for many on the autism spectrum.  We see the world in such detail that we want everything to be 'just right'.  Combining that with our tendency to be black and white rigid thinkers an, and it's a sure way to a path of anxiety and depression.  I will continue to post daily or every other day on how I'm changing my old habits into new, more productive ones that align much better with the things in life that I value.  Every minute of everyday offers up opportunities to change that one thought, that one action,that one word to be more reflective of a life that I choose.  I choose confidence, self esteem, family, love, kindness over self-defeat, sadness, isolation and frustration.  It's my life and I need to take responsibility to make these things manifest.

So, today my goal is to not worry about getting everything done, staying vigilant in getting what I need to done (means not over-thinking or spending time I don't have on FB and Twitter! lol) and feeling good in knowing that I'm doing what I love, no matter what else happens, or what others may think.

How Rules Can Help With The Big Picture

The last few posts I have written about scheduling, and changing habits and becoming more productive as well as trying to give up being so obsessive.  Probably more of this blog is about that than not! :)  I don't know about other ladies with Asperger's or other differences and how they might be similar.  I just know about myself and these things have been a struggle for me for many years.  I used to spend several hours a day cleaning my house and it was spotless without question.  Then my boys came along and I had to choose between tending to them and letting them be themselves or having a home with nothing out of place.  I chose them and had to let my house fall far below my standards of clean.  I let it go physically, but mentally I knew I had to be a failure.  I thought that my house was by far substandard,and I was not a good mother, wife or person.  I felt that everyone else noticed these things and thought less of me, too.  Now, thanks to learning some really good meditating techniques and combining them with Mindfulness I know that my self worth is not dependent on such trivial things as how clean my house is.  I am not my house, I am not my clutter and I am not all these other judgements that I put upon myself.

Getting from that rigid of thinking and self flagellation to more balanced thinking was not easy, nor overnight.  I used many of the techniques that I have already listed in previous posts.  I am still a very rigid thinker and that's not likely to change.  No amount of meditation and mindfulness is going to be able to change how my mind works to that degree.  My brain, works on rules.  Everything has a rule.  I am not over-exaggerating. There is not much I don't do that I have not thought through, decided on how to best carry out every little detail to increase functionality and efficiency.  These rules become a ritual and I don't care much for these being changed unless I have lots of time to think about it first and acclimate.  The order in which I load the dishwasher to the order in which the towels are put away, to the order in which I watch TV programs on my DVR all have rules.  Those rules all serve a purpose to me and for me.  They make sense in my world and they make me happy when carried out.  They make me equally unhappy when they are not.  Even though I get overwhelmed in the wake of the hurricane like mess my husband leaves everywhere I think his chronic disorganization was okay with me, because I could control my environment.  I could control my world. I make the schedule (because he can't) I decide where things go, and what bills get paid.  He can't (or greatly struggles) do these things, leaving the door open for me to be in a relationship that is almost like being alone. 

So, rules have been my way of getting things done, even with mindfulness.  If I have a rule, I can cope. My brain has something to latch onto.  I have lost weight by making rules about how much to eat and when.  I make rules about exercise, when and how.  When cleaning to give myself more flexibility and be more productive I bring a timer.  I have tried several different methods, but this one has worked the best.  I alternate half the house every other day by cleaning 5 rooms a day.  I clean each room for 5 minutes and when the timer dings I stop.  I have to move on to the next room.  Otherwise, I'd be so overwhelmed with details that I'd be in one corner of the house all day doing things that most people reserve for spring cleaning.  You'd be amazed at what you can get done in 5 minutes, especially if you move quickly, because you know you only have 5 minutes!  I do one room a day for 20 minutes, so that some bigger cleaning like mopping and such can also get done.  That's only 45 minutes a day, but it seems to do the job.  I don't always get to it daily, but I try.  Without my timer, and without my rules of time I'd be stuck on details either not moving due to feeling too overwhelmed by the totality of it all, or I'd get too involved and get next to nothing done in the way of the big picture.  Keeping the big picture in mind is a difficult thing for me to do. Feeling like I have some structure helps me to move ahead towards my goals.

Organization Tips for Autism and ADHD

In my previous post I talked about some of my issues with getting organized.  I have some tips, as wells as the rough diagram of my to-do list I've been using for awhile.

First, let's talk a little bit about why someone might have issues with being organized.  Executive Functioning is a term that is defined by the ability to organize information and stimuli, while regulating one's own emotions, and thoughts, as well as prioritizing what needs attention. That's a very basic definition, anyway.  Executive functioning is impaired/different in people with neurological disorders, such as Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD.  In my family, all 5 of us have an issue with one of these two conditions.  While the reasons why I struggle to be organized differs from my husband's the results often look the same.  The only difference is that I can figure a way out of it, where I honestly don't think he'll ever have the skills, as well as he really doesn't care if things are messy, disorganized and off schedule.  I care a great deal.  My basic to do list is divided in 4 quarters:




DAILY TASKS :                          

  In the upper hand corner here I have my  daily tasks.  These things generally need done everyday, like dishes, laundry, exercise ect... If you find you don't have to do the task that day, then cross it out. These are your basic tasks. These are in the Have To Do category.      

 NEED TO GET DONE:

 On the right side I have things I Need  done that aren't daily activities.Such as,  important phone calls, errands, appointments.  Also, other things that are weekly like washing sheets.




   PROJECTS: 

  On the lower left hand side is where I put tasks and projects that are more long term, so that I still have them in my  mind and can plan on moving them to my Need list.  I also put stuff that I want to get  done, but may not have a chance. I try to resist  the urge to clutter up the Need area with things that aren't urgent. Prioritizing is key. If I can just get my daily tasks and Need tasks done, then I feel  I've accomplished enough.

                                                                                                                                                        NOTES:   

On the lower right hand side is where I put daily reminders, and messages. I even keep phone messages here. This reduces clutter by using one sheet of paper for everything.  At the end of the day, I put any important info or phone messages in my notebook, or wherever it may need to go.  The list goes in the trash.                                                                                               

More On Thoughts, Guilt and Time...

I have been doing some posting about time management and how more is not necessarily better in this post.    I have been monitoring my own behavior when it comes to my daily routines and what I seem to feel is important and what I stress over. (I think if I listed what I don't stress over the list would be shorter!) As well, as what seems to follow most parents, especially parents with special needs kids.  You know that feeling that you get at the end of the day when the kids are about to go to bed, or perhaps after.... the one that nags in the depth of the back of your mind all day.  Lurking, but not terribly vocal, but always present.  Guilt.  The feeling that maybe you could have, should have, would have done more.  You read a blog from a parent where they have it all together.  They did therapy for all 7 of their special needs kids, made 3 gluten free from scratch, homemade meals, went to lunch with their friends, potty trained one child, house is cleaned and even had the time to write about it in their award winning blog before they go to bed. 

Maybe, the above is an exaggeration, but still.... I think there are several of us parents with special needs kids that feel that way at the end of the day.  I carry this narrative around all day that I tell myself all these negative, half baked truths about what other moms are and what I must be compared to them.  The story that I tell myself is familiar, but not useful for a calm, mindful parent that I'd like to be.  When I come down hard on myself and expect a certain level of unattainable perfection I am grumpy, short, and snappy.  When one feels bad on the inside you will reflect that on the outside, no matter how much we think our feelings and emotions are ours alone to contend with.

I have been telling myself these stories with my thoughts for so many years that it's automatic.  I had to really put some effort to go off of autopilot to examine my thoughts.  It's been an experience for me to mindfully look at what I believe and really question the truth to it.  To hold up my own thoughts and examine them.  Before, I didn't think much about them, nor did I question them.  I just bought my thoughts as true.  My reality.  But, what if they weren't true?  How will I know?  What is the test?  Is there such a thing as true or false with thoughts and feelings?

And, so with Mindfulness and the ACT therapy I have been studying comes in handy here.  Let's break this down using a common thought or two of mine that is less than positive....

"I didn't take Beans to the bathroom today to practice potty training"

Now, the above thought can be replaced with, I didn't try to incorporate enough signs in his day, or engage him enough, or exert enough effort in making sure I somehow snuck enough nutrition into his diet.  As well, as with my other son, maybe I felt I didn't write a social story to explain something to him better, or socialize him more, or practice emotion cards with him... the list is really endless...But, back to breaking down the italicized thought above.  Who's voice is this?  Is it mine?  Or is it someone from my past that may have always said critical things to me?  Do I like this story, or benefit from it?  Is it helpful?  How does this make me feel and does it motivate me to be the self I want to be in order to meet my own goals and values? 

After I have asked myself the questions above I come to the realization that this is not my voice, I don't like how it makes me feel and it's not helpful to me.  It's not necessarily bad or wrong, but also not a thought that I am buying into as something that is representative of me.  I notice the thought and let it go without reaction.  I can't be perfect. I'm human with limitations and feelings.  The kind of mother I want to be is one who is happy, relaxed, and confident.  I can't be her when I'm buying the stories that I spoke about above.  I have to make a choice and a conscious decision as to what kind of parent I can be vs the kind of parent I think I ought to be. 

This isn't to say that sometimes we don't have to make changes and do thing differently.  The diet that I often speak of in this blog was a big change and one that required effort.  I didn't lose weight by simply being upset at myself, though.  I vowed to make some real changes, because I felt that I needed that to happen to be the person I want to be.  I am not berating and depriving myself of treats and freedom, but rather eating better.  I don't chastise myself into dieting, because that never works.  Same with parenting.  Truth be told, Beans is in the very early stages potty training and isn't cognitively or physically ready to be trained yet.  Myself, and the staff that work with him are just acclimating him to the toilet by introducing it slowly.  The fact that I didn't take him very much, or at all for that matter, isn't a big deal and I shouldn't make it one inside of my mind when it's time for me to relax.  Letting myself be, in the moment without judgment is a difficult task, but worth the practice.

Time and to-do lists Part Two:

In the last blog post I talked a little bit about how we schedule our days with more than can reasonably fit.  Some by choice, some by necessity.  As I mentioned, some of us don't have the time energy and money to be able to do what we would like.  Some people work 14 hour days not because they want to, but because some people have to.  Some of us with special needs kids don't have respite or family to help.  There is no 'outsourcing in childcare' as one article put it.  So, as I write about slowing down and being more in the moment I am also sympathetic to those in society that for a variety of reasons don't have the resources to pick and choose their schedules with ease.  I am one of those people and I am well aware of the conditions when money and time is finite.

I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done.  I also feel a constant need for perfection.  I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself.  These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail.  Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break.  Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things?  How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby?  Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia?  I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.


I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection.  As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable.  I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing.  Just being  aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily?  What will matter more in the long run?  I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time.  Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.

Time and to-do lists Part One:

There was something I noticed while trolling the many news feeds and such that I frequently read... there were many that were telling me how to get the most out of my day. How to maximize my whole time potential, like in this article here  .  I think if this woman was off her schedule by 10 minutes her whole day would probably fall apart.  Every minute seems planned and accounted for.  It seems that there are some that have that kind of control over their resources to be able to strategically plan that way.  Living with autistic children don't always go to plan, so making myself a priority in every waking moment of my pre-planned day would not work.  No matter how many spreadsheets of data I take on how I spend my time and how many 10 minute intervals that I allot myself to think. (rolls eyes) Who schedules time in to think? And, how have we become this multi-tasking society that pencils in every waking moment of everyday with tasks and activities?

That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas.  I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person)  to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals.  How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV?  Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day.  Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes.  Or feeling that nag of boredom.

I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down  I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more.  Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too.  Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off?  When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?

To be continued in the Next Post