Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mindful Thinking-Sensory Awareness Day-4

In continuing with my efforts to blog more consistently about my new ideas of  mindful thinking and what strategies I'm applying to better meet my goals I'm happy to update that today is going okay, as well as yesterday.  The day before was pretty unhappy and unfocused.  Filled with lots of anxiety and negative thinking.  I still have so much work to do in determining triggers and not allowing them to be my primary focus, sending me into a tailspin of fret, worry and all sorts of negative thinking patterns that I would rather not waste my energy on.

Today, I was successful in identifying when I was being overzealous in my attempts to plan out my weekend.  I had this fantasy that since it was Mother's Day weekend I would somehow (don't ask me how) get the whole house sparkling clean and have time for some blogging and extra baking.  I thought that I might be able to get weeks worth of tasks miraculously done in two days.  By about 3 this afternoon I became aware of my illogical thinking.  My irrational goal was exposed for the life-sucker it has proved itself to be for the last 30 some years.  I told that thought that I couldn't listen to it.  I acknowledged it's existence, noticed it was there, thought about how nice it might be to have Monday (my day off I designated for myself, but more about that later) in a nice, orderly house.  Alas, this wasn't my life and the only way I would come close to this goal would be if I manically cleaned, and got on everyone else's case to do the same awarding me the most unpleasant mom to be around this Mother's Day weekend.  Now, I did not want that award.  That is probably the opposite of what I want, so I decided that it was best for me to do what I can and let it go.

As I am trying to be more aware of my feelings, where they originate at in my body, what triggered them, how I react, how they effect me, ect.. I have noticed a great deal of frustration buried deep in my stomach today.My sensory system is overloaded without provocation.  This happens from time to time, without so much as a warning or a reason.  I just have days where nothing feels right.  My clothes feel all wrong, my appetite is out of whack, I feel achey, irritated, and unable to tolerate noise.  Any noise and it just so happens that my house consists of noise coming from competing directions at any given time.  TV, video games, computers, Bean's toys and verbal stims.  My house is anything but quiet.    My husband isn't feeling well and when he feels unwell he wants cuddles.  Lots and lots of cuddles. This is not always my favorite activity unless it's at the designated times, but I do not like my routine interrupted with lots of hugs and kisses(unless you're Beans.  Beans always gets hugs and kisses!).  I'm trying to get things done.  My sensory system is hanging on by a thread of imminent meltdown and he needs hugs.  Denying him this (which is excruciatingly important to him) at this time is not going to turn out well, so I am dealing with it.  Maybe, I am getting sick as well and that's why I am feeling over my sensory limit from the get-go?  Who knows?