I thought that I might write a small follow up to the issue that I talked about in my last entry because I did think about it, and despite me thinking that it was something that wasn't informational, I realized that it could be.
In the entry Things You Wish Adults Knew When You Were A Child there are several comments about being bullied, emotional, or otherwise feeling a bit out of sorts and not having a clue as to how to go about expressing it. One of them is mine. I guess that's the whole point to my last entry. I almost never actually say to anyone 'Hey, I'm struggling here, ' or 'help'. As I said, it simply doesn't occur to me to do so, or I just can't figure it out. When I do finally get out that I'm having trouble as I did on my FB post (I literally said 'I'm falling apart') that's almost an S.O.S. for me.
For one, it's hard to explain my emotions. I have to figure out what I am feeling, label it, and then figure out how to appropriately express that to another human. There's a term called Alexithymia that applies to most people on the spectrum. It's basically the difficulty of processing and describing emotions. I have worked very hard on this, and am able to some degree feel my feelings as they come and label them. It took a couple decades of practice with emotion charts, and perseverance. It wasn't easy. It's hard to ask for help, if you can't even identify that you're feeling down, angry, whatnot. Even physical sensations would not be processed correctly, and still isn't to some degree. Sometimes, when I am sick I get upset easily and have lots of meltdowns, but don't always process the physical sensation of feeling ill. I've had strep throat as an adult for a couple wks before I realized I was sick, but was super difficult to deal with during that time! So, now I know that if I'm getting moody, I may need to check in to see if I am hurting, not feeling well, hungry, thirsty.. ect...
I can now more easily label, say anger when it is occurring. I can't always tell you why it's there, and am frequently left feeling upset, and not knowing why. I have somewhat given up on always tracing back the reasons to my upset feelings. I find it more important that I deal with my feelings in a healthy way, and proficiently, rather than worrying about where or why they are there. I'm still working on doing this steadily. Not there yet, by far.
The criteria for Asperger's lists:
(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment,
interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by
a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects
of interest to other people)
(D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
I'd go so far as to say it's not lack of sharing enjoyment that is near as much the problem as is lack of sharing duress. Either I simply can't due to lack of words, or ability, or it doesn't occur to me do so, literally. In the same way my family complains that they never ever have heard me say 'I want' or 'I'd like to have' X (signaling them what I might like to receive for Christmas and birthdays) I don't think about sharing what I feel or what I need. When I do, it may be understated with emotion to the point that an NT would think it was a minor issue. I was told by the clinician that diagnosed me that my face almost never shows any emotion, at all. So, as I am telling someone how terribly sad, and depressed I am the flat affect of my face my not convey just how serious I am. Even on the internet, I may not have the ability to fully express the amount of pain or suffering I am in or how much I'd like some assistance. When I do, I feel so awkward and so embarrassed that it's likely I will delete it quickly. Here, not as much, because it's an anonymous blog. I feel very vulnerable and almost ashamed of expressing emotion. Writing by far is waaay easier than speaking, though.
So, I thought that perhaps my issue I had a couple days ago might be of some use to parents and loved ones of those on the spectrum if explained fully as to what happened. Why it's hard for us to say we need help, and what the best method is to assist us in telling you ie; writing texting, ect...
