Christmas for the Black Sheep

A couple days before Thanksgiving I began to wonder about the people that didn't have anywhere to go for dinner. The homeless, the family-less, the ones who couldn't afford to attend dinner with family far away. Even more so I was reminded of my own estrangement from my family. I was all too familiar with the feelings of isolation that holidays can bring for some of us. Even though I do have a wonderful husband, and 3 great kids to spend holidays with I still feel a tinge of sadness to know that it will be just us together celebrating without any other family, even though I do have parents, and a sibling that is alive in the same state.

It's been about 9 or 10 years now that I haven't celebrated any holidays, or birthdays with my side of the family. As time passed it turned from what used to be a festering, painful wound down to what now feels to be a dull ache. There's something about being nominated the black sheep, the unwanted, and wrong by your own parents that causes a deep down sense of self-doubt. It whispers from so far deep inside your psyche that the toxic voice gets indistinguishable from your own. They eventually turn into one in the same. You don't know why, but you feel out of place everywhere. You question your sanity, and worth as a person in everyday small ways that don't seem like criticism. It's just the way you perceive yourself, and your life. Every year this voice becomes closer to the surface, as your defenses fall, until one day you second guess it. "Wait," you say to yourself. "Do I think that? Is that my view about myself, or is that the way I was taught to see myself?" The hurt ego falls away to allow you to begin to get to know the you without all the pain in the way. Our fears get in the way of this process, but dealing with them is just part of the process. Being the scapegoat of the family often lends us a feeling of threat being around every corner. It can truly feel this way when you're a child in this type of environment. What kept us going, and surviving as children hinders us as adults. I know that I learned to identify anything out of place, or threatening in my environment as a way to protect myself. Problem is, is that this way of coping turned me into a negative radar. Always anxious, always preparing for the worst. My defense was my demise.

Body Image and ED-From an autistic perspective

Last night I participated in a Twitter chat about eating disorders, body image issues, and how they affect me as an autistic woman. I didn't find Twitter to be as accommodating to my long winded style of writing as I'd have liked. I thought that maybe it might be a good idea to do a blog entry on this topic, as it does seem to be a popular one that needs addressed.

After the chat I had so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I am not sure how to organize them here to share without this entry turning into a small novel! The questions, and answers brought forth memories long forgotten. There is something about looking back on certain things in one's life as an older adult, and having a different POV, and appreciation of things that only time, and maturity can facilitate. Some things shifted into place, while others still remain tangled within my odd personality of contradictions.

As a young child I do recall not having a very positive relationship with food. How much this contributed to my body image issues, I don't know. I know it didn't help. I was always a very thin, underweight kid. There were always more interesting things for me to do than eat. I don't think I find the same enjoyment out of eating as other people do. Most of the time I would eat just enough to make the annoying hungry feeling go away, but not enough to be very full.

I had a certain way I would eat, as well. Things on my plate could not be touching, and certain textures were not okay with me. I would eat only one thing on my plate at a time.

I don't think I can stress this enough to any, and all parents

Being Me

One major change that I have been working on in my life is not caring what others think of me. It is not true that people on the spectrum don't care what other people think about us. I do care, and I know others that do, too. What I don't care about is impressing people with status symbols, like clothes, cars, and a big nice house, ect..

However, I very much care if someone thinks I am annoying, stupid, ugly, a bad mom, or a host of other negative personal attributes. Not knowing always how to read people, and how to gauge situations I have learned to cope by playing it safe, and not saying, or doing anything until I am 100% certain it is appropriate to the situation.

I have stopped doing that. Now, if I feel like saying or doing something I do it. I worry that others' will think less of me for doing so, but the truth is I have to be me. I am tired of painting myself in the corner just to blend in. I'm going to do what I want for a change.

Sure, maybe not everyone will like what I do, or say, but that's fine. One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn (and to be honest I am still learning it) is that not everyone is going to like me, and I am not always going to like everyone else. It's the way it is. We're not all always going to get along.

What I have found so far is that the less I consume my mind with wondering what others are thinking of me the less I think negative things about others. I simply notice the differences between us, and that's all. I am taking things much less personal these days. It's true that people are still doing the same things that always have gotten under my skin, but it affects me less.

This new outlook has improved my life

Off the Cuff, and From the Heart

As I sit here on my couch, and contemplate my day it's about 10:30 pm. I hear Beans running around his room tapping his an empty water bottle, and exclaiming "Daaaa daaaay deeee!" My husband slumbers half off our sectional couch so exhausted that our 55 pound dog just ran over his head several times chasing the cat without waking him. My daughter, and her boyfriend sit in the other room talking, and the floor is littered with grapes, and cracker crumbs. I still will have to clean up the kitchen, and put away laundry before bed, but that's okay, because Beans is not likely to go to sleep before 11:30 anyway. This scenario is not atypical for my house at this time of day. As a matter of fact, it's pretty on schedule for what I expect.

Today wasn't anything great. It's wasn't anything awful. It was just another day. I got some stuff done, but not all of what I wanted, or even needed to. I think that I will never have my list of to-do's completed. I could very well be 98, on my death bed still clutching my to-do list. I can see it now

#Autism & Self-Acceptance

I posted a pretty long post on my FB page about how I process emotions after I yet again, took something too seriously that my husband had said, and made a bigger deal out of it, than it really was.  This is something that always happens to me.  When I say always, I mean at least a few times a week.  It doesn't help that I have a hubby that I swear has ADHD, and everything is a joke to him.  My autistic brain is literal, and I often feel like he's making fun of me, when he is just interpreting the world in the way his brain is wired.  Anyway, this is what I wrote:

"Emotional regulation issues, and autism/asperger's. I find that I get irritated, and anxious by minor issues often, only to realize later while looking back that the thing that seemed so upsetting, or anxiety provoking really wasn't that big of a deal in the first place. I sometimes am embarrassed about my overreaction to seemingly insignificant occurrences, and the anxiety about how others might view me in light of my meltdown, or the anxiety about it happening again will keep me from trying new things, and socializing, if I let it.

As I have gotten acquainted with ASD, and what it's all about I have become aware of the reasons behind this phenomenon. One big one is weak central coherence (inability to see the bigger picture) and the other two are executive functioning issues, combined with difficulty in detecting, and describing emotional states. It's hard for me to see the bigger picture when I see something that goes wrong in my mind. I lose sight of how to get it back on track, and struggle with understanding how to deal with mounting emotions.

The last, but least of these triggers is, the deep down fear that I am being judged harshly by others, and won't/don't measure up. I think this reason is one that most, on or off the spectrum can relate to, but for those of us that seem to get things wrong so often, self-doubt is often a big obstacle to overcome when trying to regulate our emotions. I can lash out defensively, as if I deep wound has been ripped open, because in some ways, for me it may feel like it has. Learning mindfulness, and lot, and lots of opportunities to learn self-acceptance has helped a lot."

 

Then someone asked a million dollar question: How do/did you learn self-acceptance?  Can you give some examples of that?

Why I'll Never Be Popular

I talked a little bit about loneliness, and feeling left out in my post This Is What Loneliness Feels Like To Me.  I'd like to take a step further into that realm, and describe how this impacts my life. 

I am the person that you always see sitting on the sidelines.  In a group of people in real life, or on-line, I will find a cozy little corner, and paint myself into it.  Part of that reason is this phenomenon where I have trouble finding my words. 

Learning To Float In A Sea Of Chaos

The other day I shared this photo on my page:

I found it on FB and thought, oh... this is me. This is a perfect example of where I am in my life. Not that I am this martyr that just gives to all and gets nothing. I don't really view my life that way. I don't feel that I take on more than my fair share.  I do think that I sometimes have more on my plate than I can swallow at once and that is an issue, because it's as if I keep putting more and more back into the fridge for the next day, but the leftovers never get quite gone. Sometimes, I clean out my fridge and am happy for that feeling of things being pretty taken care of for a bit. But, then there's the other times. The times like now, where every morning I open my fridge and I see leftovers from 3 weeks ago that I needed to take care of, but I didn't. They're still there, rearranged and prioritized.  I am feeling overwhelmed. I need to answer emails, and blog replies. I have important phone calls to make and errands to run.  I have conferences to attend and volunteer work that I don't know why I sign up for, but I do. (Okay, I do know why, because I sometimes want to give back and do something more than just dishes and laundry.) I have an IEP coming that I need to prep for and more than one child with issues that needs my attention at school. I can only do so much in one day.  I only have so much time and energy.  This week my fridge is overflowing with leftovers.

Just while writing this I had to get up and chase our new dog (who I am also training) down the alley, because he found a week spot in our fence (that I totally told my husband about, but he insisted it was fine) and had to stop writing to answer texts from Bean's teacher. My husband and I are in a stalemate, because he doesn't agree with the way I want to train the dog. So, there's a lot of tension there. I am bossy. I am controlling. I am working on not being so much so, but it is in my nature to know what needs to be done and do it.  Part of that is working on letting someone else take care of the leftovers,sometimes. Even if they don't do it my way. Even if things don't all get done. I know this is life. I know I will be here again and again. I will get much of these tasks done and then after a short resting time, things will get hectic again. Life has a way of being this way, especially when you have special needs kids to tend to. I sometimes run out of steam, but I always get it done.  I know that I do. It's hard to remember when I am in the middle of it all drowning that I will sink faster if I flail around fighting.  I have to remember to stay calm and float naturally. Not easy when it all seems so urgent. I have to remember to stop perseverating on what I'm not getting done and think about what I did. The first will bring me to a standstill, while the other will help me see what I accomplish. It's hard to have a good perspective sometimes, but worth it, emotionally.

All in all I think I am doing good with being calm and looking to the bright side. A vast improvement from where I was even a year ago.  I am still drowning in it, but I am able to be calm, delegate, and prioritize. as well as not feel like a failure when I can't meet every deadline or commitment.

Managing Negative Behaviors With #Autism & #ADHD

I am a member of a lot of autism pages on FB, and I read a lot of autism related blogs, ect.  There is a recurrent theme that I see played out everyday. It's hard for me to address it as a general concept because I don't do general concepts very well. I am a detailed thinker.  I am going to try, because this subject is very important to me.

I'd like to discuss the way I see parents handling their child's 'behaviors'. I really dislike that word,  behaviors. Let's call it responses. That's what they are. Everything a child (and let's face it, people in general) does is a direct response to a trigger. The trigger can be negative, or positive.  It can be physical, something that can be felt with the senses, or private, something that is only evident to the person feeling it, but nonetheless just as valid.  Since a person who is on the spectrum senses the world differently parents have to parent differently. I think this is a hard thing for parents to know how to do that. It's even harder for other caregivers, such as teachers, who may not have any experience with your child before suddenly noticing what appears to be 'naughty' behaviors    responses.

Let's go with a common one that I hear almost daily.The following is an example only, and does not represent any one person.

 Little Johnny walked up to James and punched him. When the teacher saw, she thought to herself, "oh, here we go again! Johnny is such a brat. I am tired of him. He needs some serious discipline. I'm going to let him know he can't behave this way. His parents really need to do something about him. I'm going to let them know about how much I don't appreciate their child's behavior in my classroom!"  The teacher doesn't understand Johnny's autism. She thinks he's naughty and already has that biased in her mind that he is, which means she's always on the lookout for behavior to correct from Johnny. She feels compelled to let him know that his tactics will not work in her class. Any positive behavior is now overlooked by her and negative behavior is exemplified. She relentlessly calls and emails Johnny's mother, who feels embarrassed that her child is misbehaving.  Maybe, she feels angry that the teacher doesn't handle it very well, but since in our society having a child that acts out is seen as parental failure Johnny's mother feels powerless.  She sees this situation as a reflection on her parenting ability and allows the teacher to talk down to her, back her in a corner and influence how she deals with Johnny when he gets home.  Johnny's mom makes decisions based on her emotional reaction to the situation, which is to punish Johnny for misbehaving.  This further frustrates Johnny.  The cause of his behavior is never addressed, he learns that he is always to blame, so he acts out more. The cycle continues until he's an adolescent and now angrier than ever is physically intimidating his family. Johnny has never been given the right supports to deal with his autism and his emotions. He has learned that he is always the bad guy, the wrong one, and that no one has his back. He acts like he feels, which is out of control. He lost the game before it even began.

Sound familiar? So what can you do?

*The first thing to do is to learn as much about autism as you can from those who have it. If you're here, there's a good chance you're already doing that.

*Make a decision that you will try to objectively view every behavior your child has as a direct response to something.  This means, try to get to their level and see through their eyes. It is unlikely that they are doing anything to just upset, or manipulate you. Get that out of your head now. Every behavior is a communication about a need. It's your job to figure out what the need is.

*Which brings me to the next part. Put on your detective hat. If you can't automatically figure out what your child keeps getting upset about, keep a behavior journal. Write down any emotion changes in a chart.  See if there are any patterns.

*Put on your advocacy hat. Don't let school officials talk you into the corner.  Be confident. If you struggle with this, find someone to help you.  I have not gotten one call from the school about either of my boy's behavior. They know that if they did, I'd demand a Functional Behavior Assessment and call a meeting. I would be in the classroom observing (which I do time to time anyway) to see what supports they need to be more successful.  The school staff know this. They know I expect them to support and respect my kids and will have to deal with the business end of a advocacy lawyer if they don't. 

*This point may raise a few hackles.  I'm going to put it anyway. It's what I truly believe. If the school can't get it right, or other program, then don't continue to send your child there. Sometimes, you can make the school or other program comply by law for certain things, but you can't control how they talk to or treat your child. My youngest qualifies for Extended School Year. I dislike the staff and have a strong feeling that things aren't always positive and on the up and up there. I don't send him.  He needs it and it's great for me to have that break, but it's more important to me that my son is treated well, so he does not attend summer school.  I never want him to feel like my needs come before his, or that I won't go out of my way to keep him safe.

*Do not punish meltdowns. Ever. Remember that a meltdown is a direct response to something. Solve the problem, and the behavior will go away.

*Learn about Positive Behavior Supports and how to be a consistent parent.

*Learn about sensory issues and how to help your child with those.

*Keep things on a routine as much as possible. Use visual schedules or written ones if your child needs it.  Remember that transitions are hard for us.  Count down before sudden changes. Example: "We will be going home from he park in 10 minutes" "We will be leaving in 5 minutes.." ect.. Don't just suddenly decide that things need to happen, then wonder why your child is suddenly aggressive, eloping, or crying.

*Learn about Executive Functioning issues. Use some of the strategies mentioned in the paragraph above to help your child best process information and prioritize time.

All of these things, if done for the ASD person, will provide an optimal level of support, and when ASD individuals are properly supported you will automatically see a decline in behaviors. 

The Ultimate Self Accpetance Test

Yesterday, I saw this image:

 I posted it on my FB page and to my surprise a few people responded with reservation, or flat out 'No' to the question in the image.  I'm unsure of what to make of that.  If you follow my blog you will have seen that I struggle with depression and it's side kick low self-esteem.  It's something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember.  However, I can say with certainty that I think that I am a good person. A person that is worthy of friendship and love.  I think of the qualities that I think make a good companion:

*Honesty
*Kindness
*Loyalty
*Reserved (at least not overly loud and boisterous)
*Understanding of other's struggles-even if they are foreign to yourself
*Unique
*Assertive
*Generous
*Practical
*Down to earth
*Tenacious   
*Dedicated
*Reliable
*Strong work ethic
Just to name a few. I think that I embody those. I actually spend a lot of time thinking about how I come across to others and whether I am putting an image out there that I can be proud of. I try to be a person that if I met myself I would want to be friends with.  This is the ultimate in self-acceptance. If you can't be friends with yourself, if you can't like yourself, or hold your actions in the light of esteem, than how can others? Why would you not want to be friends with yourself?  If there are specific reasons, those can be changed once you identify them. If you just feel uncomfortable with the idea, then it's time for some deep soul searching. We have to be comfortable with who we are to be truly fulfilled. That is just a given. If we can't be comfortable with our inner self, we can never be fully grounded.  We risk spending a life running away from our shadow, fearing alone time. 

What qualities do you think makes a good companion? Do you feel that you posses them?

Perceiving Beauty

I had an odd dream the night before last.  I only remember parts of it.  It was one of those kinds that the colors are faded and kinda tinted or washed out.  That's how things often look to me when I'm depressed. Everything literally looks faded to me.  When I begin to notice that happening I know it's a warning of sorts to get myself moving in a positive direction before things get too dismal.

Anyway, in the dream I felt overwhelmed with responsibility.  I was carrying one of my kids around and trying to make phone calls.  They were all very important calls. If they weren't made things wouldn't get taken care of and my family would be without. It just had the feeling of everything being almost an emergency and me not having the time to even prioritize anything. 

I was in a house I used to live in before we moved to our current house 5 years ago.  While I was walking through the living room I peered out of the big window.  As a walked past the image changed.  At first when I looked everything looked dead and bleak. It was all dull with big weeds growing in tall brown grass.  But, then as I walked a little further and looked from another direction it looked different.  I could still see the same grass and the same weeds, but  the sun was brighter and shining through the puffs of dandelions.  I could see the white wisps of the dandelions blowing gently in the wind, and I said out loud in my dream "When I look at at things this way, I see a dead, overgrown yard, but when I look at it from another point of view I see the beauty in the weeds.  I see the seeds are floating away to make new flowers for later, even if things look dead now. It is the cycle of nature.  It just depends on how you look at it what you see."  My mother was there and I asked her to look to see if she could see the same.  She could not.  She thought I was being crazy, but that was okay with me.  I knew what I saw and I knew it was beautiful.

This morning when I woke up, things seemed lighter.  The sun was sunnier, the coffee was yummier, the day seemed longer.  It was as if a light was turned on and my perception was better, more accurate, more sharp.  I don't know what happened, but I'm glad it did.

Mindfulness Day- 18?- The Lies My Ego Tells Me

So, here we are on Mindfulness day 18, I think it is? I've lost count of what day it is and as I predicted I am too busy to blog often about it.  I'd love to be able to, but life gets in the way.

In these last couple weeks I have noticed something.  It's been there causing trouble this whole time, but I had been unaware of it.  As I am being more compassionate with myself and letting go of perfection thinking I have become aware of some negative thought patterns that were lurking just beneath the surface.  They required my belief to be strong that I was indeed not good at anything and less worthy than others.  They thrived off this mindset.  As I let go of these thoughts that I held as absolute truths these other negative behaviors showed themselves.  These beliefs were that since I held myself in such a negative light and saw this as nothing but the truth, then others do as well.

I approached every sentence, every action and every facial expression from other people to be somewhat malicious.  It was just an assumption that since I thought I was such an awful person others must, as well.  I felt like I was defending myself in every conversation and being on the look out for being the victim.  Something so simple as my husband asking me if I had checked the mail today when he arrived home from work could be interpreted by me as negative.  My thoughts could go something like this:
"What does he mean?" I'd pause and look for any clue that he was irritated or mad in his face.
"I should have checked the mail."
"He probably thinks I'm lazy"
"He's out at work all day and I can't even check the mail."
"I really shouldn't spend so much time _______ or ______-."
"He could probably find someone else that would do better than me."
Then, sometimes (not always) from there I will get defensive, as if he actually said these things. Then, my thoughts go from self loathing to defensiveness. I begin to think things like:
"Well, he doesn't know how hard it is to keep this house up!"
"I'd like to see him find someone who will do it better!"
From here my mood can go to any direction that's negative. I might get angry and resentful and begin to speak to my husband as if he actually said these things.  I might get depressed and whiny, or perhaps go straight for the anorexic route, where I decide I need to restrict my food, because somehow, that will fix this.

It doesn't matter which way I might go with it, because they all end up in a destination of misery.  They all start with my belief that I'm not okay. That I am defective and others know it, too.  Some of this isn't just me being irrational, because I know that as a child growing up in a dysfunctional home where I was always the scapegoat everyone really did believe that I was unworthy. There was a lot of insults and mind games that were hidden in between the lines.  This isn't really just a product of an overactive imagination.  This is the result of years of self preservation.  The issue is, is that the patterns we learn in dysfunctional families only work in that dysfunctional unit.  Everywhere else we apply them, they are a disaster!

This is a major step in freeing myself up from the cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors.  Having this revelation has enabled me to be able to question the authenticity of my assumptions that I previously held as facts, without question.  Now, I can approach life from a different angle and in doing this, get different results. I can choose to view others actions and words through a lens of positivity and kindness, assuming the best of intentions. Of course, this doesn't always mean that others do have good intentions, but I'll let them carry their own hate and negativity around.  I don't want it.  I'd rather keep my head up and move forward, instead of getting stuck in drama of what others think.  There are more important things in life to worry about than if so and so thinks this or that about me and what I'm going to do to show them they're wrong.  My ego doesn't get to call driver's seat anymore. I don't like where it takes me.

Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking

The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure.  You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time?   That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.  

I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget.  It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful.  Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples.  I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier.  There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.

I'm thinking that I might write them down.  Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page?  Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see?  The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me.  That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.

For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance.  So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat.  The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions?  I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too.  I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live?  Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No.  I don't value being depressed and sad.  I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties.  I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?:  I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks.  I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be.  I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.

Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts.  In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise.  The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with.  The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.

Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day.  This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now.  I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair.  I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.

Inner Aspie to "I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers" - An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

Dear 'I Wish I Didn't Have Asperger's'


When I think of that statement I think about the times when I, myself, thought it.  My mind skips back years in time where my own journey wasn't always easy.  Those times, are hard to think of now.  I still have those times now where I think, just for a moment, that I wish I didn't have Asperger's. This letter may well be for me to reflect on during those moments as much as for others out in cyberpsace looking for some consolation.  This letter may be for my son, when he gets a little older and thinks 'I wish I didn't have autism' during his moments of inevitable struggle.

What would I like to say to the child that I once was and to other autistic children out there right now?  I'd like to remind them that the things that seem to huge now won't be in a few years.  I wish I'd known that when I was alone at recess, or picked last at PE everyday.  I'd tell them that it's okay to be an individual and pursue your own interests, instead of worrying if the other kids will approve.  I'd tell them, you will find a friend, a good one.  Just be patient. Do not accept 'friends' that treat you less than in order to have a friend. I'd say, you are good enough, just as you are. Repeat that to yourself until you know it to be true.  This will be the one thing, if any that I would make sure that I as a child would have known.  I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all.

What would I say to that awkward adolescent that I once was, and to the other autistic adolescents out there?  I'd tell them to just hold on.  I know it's hard right now. Being a teenager is hard for everyone, but even harder for us on the spectrum. I'd tell them that they'll get a chance to date and find love.  I know it can be lonely.  I know everyone else is telling you to be patient and the right one will come along.  I know you're tired of that cliche.  I know these words won't stop you from feeling lonely, but please let them soothe you some into knowing that it will happen.  It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next week, but please know that you will not be lonely forever.  If I had a way to tell my former teenaged self something, I'd have told myself to keep busy doing what I like, being confident with myself and the dates and friends would come naturally.  Fretting, obsessing and constantly trying to problem solve will make relationships harder to come by and quite possibly prevent them from happening in the first place.  Getting a boyfriend or friends is not like a math problem or crossword puzzle.  It can't be solved by intellectual thought.  It has to go through the natural stages to evolve.   I'd tell myself that I need to learn about meditation and find a good therapist to help me learn about emotions. I'd tell autistic teens that what others think don't matter as much as what you think of yourself.  Pay attention to keeping things in order on the inside and things on the outside will be much smoother.  Learn how to detect and handle your emotions.  This is not something that is firsthand for us.  It needs to be learned and is crucial to success.

I'd tell teens to take advantage of the internet.  The amount of support available is endless. Find other ASD teen to chat with.  Find ASD adults to mentor you.  We are here.  We've been where you are and understand.  We can help guide you and are more than happy to do so.  Don't post on Facebook or constantly tell your peers that you're lonely ect... This will have the opposite effect you are hoping for.  Find some online support group to confide in.

For young autistic adults, I'd tell them most of all, that it's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to not know things.  There is no shame in needing assistance.  Don't try to do everything on your own to prove that you can and to prove you're independent!  It takes a strong person to ask for help when they need it.  Don't drive yourself into the ground with anxiety and depression by trying to do it on your own.  Find support from somewhere.  Sometimes, with some of us, it won't be family.  We'll have to find it somewhere else.  Take advantage of disability services when and if you need them. 

What I would want any autistic person to know, is that being autistic is okay. Don't waste a minute of your life hiding away who you are trying to be someone you're not.  Do what you love, and love what you do. This will help instill pride.  Immerse yourself into positive actions and let that direct you to self worth.  Don't ever let the bullies in your life win by repeating their stories in your head through the years.  If you can't shut the stories off, get to therapy to help you.  Know, I mean really know that you have worth just as you are.  Be authentic.  Be compassionate with yourself.  You are going to have bad days.  You are going to have sensory issues and meltdowns.  Again, learn your body and emotions. It will give you a better opportunity to handle these things when they come up.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when these things happen. Remember:  " I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all ." That is your new mantra.  The world can be noisy and overwhelming. Sometimes, you might feel like it's all too much, or your heart literally aches with loneliness.  Please, remember that there's many of us that share your story or care very much.  We have autism, too, or children that are autistic, or friends, and family.  You're not alone. Reach out to us.  We're here.

Invisible Me Visits From The Past

Some of you may have noticed that yesterday I remarked that I had had a bad day on my FB page due to letting others under my skin, again.  I didn't specify anymore than that.  I wasn't sure I wanted to, or that I ought to. Then, I figured that I share so much else on here, and sometimes in the process help others in the same sort of situations, so I might go ahead and post about what happened.  Also, writing sometimes allows me to get things out that I can't do verbally. I am not very good verbalizing my thoughts and feelings.

Last week my father called me. I haven't spoken to him for about 2 yrs. Every time I called to wish him a happy birthday or happy father's day I'd get his voice mail. I eventually just stopped trying. He wanted to tell me that my mother had left him and that he was sorry for writing me off because my mother didn't like him speaking to me.  I was happy to hear from him and let all resentment toward him go.  I figured that my mother in her craziness would turn on others after I was no longer around to accept her abuse and drama.  I was correct.  After 34 years of marriage she packed up without warning and left him, going clear across the country to her sister's after clearing out most of the bank account.

I was excited to rebuild a relationship.  I had all these grand plans of him and my brother coming to visit, and we would do this and that.  I would finally have someone to talk to that was family, that cared for me and supported me.

A few days went by, so I thought I'd try to chat with him via skype, only to get a hold of my brother who told me that mom came home.  No one told me.  He said Dad would call me later.  That was almost a week ago.  He isn't calling me.  It's back to where it was.  I am the odd one out.  Cast aside, and vilified.  I was doing okay as it was.  I didn't need the false hope that maybe, just maybe I was worth something to them that they'd give me the time of day.  It was a wound ripped right open for me.  I was once again the weird little girl who no one noticed, and no one cared about.  My desperation for this acceptance was so great.

Old behaviors started creeping back in... namely anorexic thinking with it's old friend body dysmorphia.  I create these things to control something. If only I was thin and pretty enough people would like me. As well as it's a way to control and punish myself for not feeling good enough by other's standards.  Thankfully, I have a husband who is here for me.  He quickly reminded me of how ridiculous this whole dieting thing was.  I am not overweight and if I lose more than a few pounds I will be classified as underweight.  I wear a size 5/6 (UK size 7/8) and am not short.  Dieting very much for me at this point could be dangerous.  Logically, I know that, but that's not how I feel inside.  I feel desperate to change something.  To do something. I just want to be accepted.  I want to feel worthy and good enough.

After I had a massive meltdown yesterday, and got some sleep I feel better today.  I am able to get back on track with healthy behaviors and let go of what isn't and never was.  It's an unfortunate situation, but one that I am stuck with.  I may as well make the best of it and do what I can and leave the rest alone. 

This whole situation remind me of a dream that I used to have often as a child.  It's one in which I somehow got turned into a ghost and no one could hear or see me.  In the dream I'd scream and beg for my parents to reply to me, only to be ignored. I'd go to school where the same happened.  Everywhere I went I was invisible.  I wasn't noticed.  I would eventually get myself so worked into a desperate tizzy that I'd awaken, crying and terribly anxious.  Through the years, the dream would change a bit in scenery, and such, but the theme would remain the same.  I'm tired of being that sad, lonely, ignored little girl.  I'm ready to be noticed by those who matter most.  My husband and kids, and forget the rest.

Part Of Me

There's been so much controversy here in the autism community lately about what's okay to say and who has the rights to say it.  I think that it's always best to try to not be offensive to others, but free speech is so important to me that I believe that everyone has a right to express how they feel, even if it's something I vehemently disagree with.  I still want to hear your side. I want to know what is behind those opinions, those thoughts.  Strong words usually have a story behind them. I want to hear that story and understand what has caused you to take such a strong stance.  I want to hear what makes you think that autism sucks, or why you hate it.  I want to know why some of you feel that only the parents of children with severe autism have a reason to feel angry, or the only ones that can really understand 'true' autism.

Usually, when I try to listen I get past the words to the emotions.  These emotions are strong. Sometimes, they are desperate ones. Sometimes, they are angry over lost time, money, health. Sometimes, they are sad. They are sad for what they think or even know their child endures daily. Sometimes, these emotions are from fear. Fear of who will care for their child when/if they die. Fear for the every second their child is out of their sight, because you know that in their lifetime there is a very, very, very high percentage of abuse and that teachers, carers, peers, and others will target your child due to their vulnerability.  You know that many will never understand your child.  Sometimes, it's a feeling of deep sadness, because you know your child is sad. You know how much they yearn for a friend, and to be accepted and you see that autism is what's stopping that from happening. As parents, we feel so strongly a need to take away these struggles from our kids. We want so much for them to be happy. Sometimes, the parents are just exhausted. They need sleep and they need a break.  There's so much worry that accompanies the parents of autistic children, even when they grow up. You see autism as the problem. If there were no autism, then these problems wouldn't exist.

But, autism does exist. It's a part of me and not separable from me, or my sons.  If someone gets upset about one of my autistic behaviors, I feel they are upset with me. When they hate autism, they hate a part of me. That makes it feel shameful, and bad. Like, something I need to hide away. In doing this, I have carried so much extra burden and self hate. I am now at a place in my life where I am tired of carrying it.  My neurological differences are not shameful.  They are just different. I need to put this extra weight down and relieve myself from carrying these expectations of what society says I should be.  Not because I think autism is something spectacular, but because it's part of who I am and it's not going anywhere. I may as well accept it.  I can't change it.  I can't change the fact that Beans will likely never speak, and may not even be potty trained as an adult. I can't change that Bubby may never go to sleepovers with other boys or be able to read other people's intentions. It is what it is. Some days are good. Some days aren't.  Some days coping seems to be all I can do. I always want my boys to think of themselves as someone who is loved, and deserving of the same respect everyone else is.  I want them to know that their differences may make them different, but still people of value.  I don't ever  describe the using words that are negative. I don't want them to see themselves that way and I sure as hell don't want society thinking of them that way.  Sometimes, I hate it when Beans chews up my power cord to my laptop, or pees on the floor.  I hate the situation , not the autism.  I hate when Bubby throws a fit over a routine change.  I hate the situation, not the autism.  I hate when I go to a social occasion and end up mute, not being able to join in socially, even if I want to.  I hate the situation, not my autism, and subsequently myself. 

That's my take. As I said, always happy to hear others.  Life is guaranteed to come with struggles.  Some more painful, than others. Some, seeming more unfair than others, but we all have our own. Please try to remember that when speaking to others.

Finding Me

I found this quote this morning as I plan out my day:

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

It seems to be apt to how I feel today.  How I feel often, as a matter of fact.  I've been trying to sort through so many things, a bad childhood, a unstable life, me, who I am, who I thought I was, or who I thought I should be...Now I am just trying to feel my way through life just being me, but then I'm not sure who that is or who it should be, or I want it to be.  

I think I know who I am.  I mean, my personality is pretty static.  My likes and dislikes don't change much.  I seem to be constantly trying to improve on my personality, though. Like, I try to figure out what is 'right' or more desirable by the world's standards, and I set out to be that characteristic.  I tweak, and change and try to be more 'normal' by other's standards.  What I found out was that not only was I miserable this way, but I also attracted people that would take advantage of my low self esteem.  I tended to attract people who wanted others that would mirror what they wanted.  I was good for that.  Gullible, and wanting to be someone, and to please anyone.  This set me up for many manipulative friendships.  (I'd say relationships, but guys always seemed to be more attached to me than the other way around.) I didn't care much for romance, but companionship, a place to feel cared for unconditionally, yes.  That I needed, and wanted. 

One of the characteristics that I find seem to cause issues that are a part of me personality is that I say what I think.  Stupidity and others not using their own brains gets me worked up. ( See this post for more info on that) I feel I have to point out their flaws in logic.  This is not from my vantage point always a friendly, likable trait.  It's one I've been working on fixing, but to no avail.  I have gained some valuable insight on having better manners while pointing out other's fallacies, as well as working on seeing their POV, so as I can discern why they might feel differently than I do about something, or why they choose to believe something that is so illogical.   Take for example, the picture of a frail child in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes that has been circulating Facebook.  The premise behind it is that if the picture gets 100 likes he gets a heart transplant.  While that would be grand, it's fucking idiotic.  As if children's hospitals biggest criteria to such serious transplants revolves around something to arbitrary as FB likes.  What if it only gets 89 likes? Is the hospital gonna be like 'Sorry kid.  No new heart for you. People on FB didn't care enough to save your life via thumbs up clicks. Guess you're gonna die.'   When I saw this, my head almost exploded.  I know that I should keep my pessimism to myself, but good lord... I just can't.   I commented, very matter of factly and calmly on the post in question that it didn't make sense.  Then, I worried endlessly (and still am to be honest) that I upset my great aunt.  My anxiety over if I was over the line in my commenting was for a reason.  This reason was, I value truth.  I value people thinking for themselves.  I value hard work that achieves a goal, not some feel good click or prayer that achieves nothing but relieves one's own conscience. When my emotions start screaming at me, I know it is because I am not living by my values.  I don't value keeping peace at any cost.  Nope.  I don't care about that as much as I care about fairness and truth.  I need to accept that aspect of myself, instead of trying to be someone I'm clearly not.


I can be me, or I can spend my life miserably trying to chase after a facade that I think is a better version of me.  Those are my choices.  There's  no way to change who I am, and really no need to.  The path to dissatisfaction, and unhappiness seems to be paved with low self confidence and a general dislike of self.  What I want for my life, for all autistic people (and non-autistics if I'm honest) is to be able to embrace life for what we are, not live in constant battles due to chasing what we have been told we 'should' be. If I want to be happy, if I want to be comfortable, if I want to be content, then I have to learn to like me, and value the traits I possess. 

New Thanksgiving Traditions

Today I'm thankful for:
* The food I cooked and ate.
*The kitchen I cooked it in.
*The family I cooked it for.
* The ability and skill to make nutritious and tasty meals for my family.
* The courage to finally make the holidays be about what my family needs and not worry about everyone else.
*The laughter that my family shared today.
*Beans, because today is his 8th Birthday. :)
*My husband and his unwavering love and support.
*CJ and all of her help around the house.
*Bubby, and his unique, authentic self.


As this Thanksgiving winds up and my 33rd birthday is right around the corner I feel that my life is opening to new and adventurous paths.  This is a time where I think that maturity of life sets in and we start to see things in a different light.  We begin to see life as more meanigful in less big ways.  We slow down just enough to see the past and and future from the vantage point of the present.  Love, marriage, children and the mortgage might have been had by now in our lives.  Some of those things might have been lost, too by now. At this point in life most of us have experienced some loss.

My kids are smack dab in the middle of being grown.  One foot out the door.  It was only 3 years ago I remember buying my daughter an easy bake oven and polly pockets for Christmas.  Now, she has a boyfriend, and goes to school dances. Soon, she'll be driving.  This gives me an idea of just how fast time moves at this time in life.  Time is precious and not to be wasted.  Looking back, I wasted too much of it worrying about this or that.  Trying to make others happy, or worrying over what others thought.  Each moment I let go into my obsessive worrying, my obsessive needs to be perfect, my over focusing on me in a negative way, is one in which I can never get back.  When I let anxiety take over and take me to the place in my thoughts where I dwell in negativity I lose time to be here in the present.  I miss moments of my kids growing up, or an opportunity to just be in the company of my husband or to think of a friend, because I was too preoccupied with me own thoughts.  There isn't much room or time left when we let negative emotions take up residence in our minds, using up the present moment.

So, today my family and I stayed home, as is our new tradition.  We ate what we wanted, on our own schedule. My boys had pizza and no one batted an eye.  It was the pace we liked and how we liked it.  It was our holiday and we made it our own.  No one to tell us otherwise, and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had.  I just wonder what took me so long to shake the negative influences of others and do what works for us?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

Sense of Self:Part 3

This is a continuation of the Sense of Self posts that I have been written so far.  I'm not sure where to go with it, or what direction I'm heading.  This topic is so general and almost infinite it and of itself I feel that I could type forever and never get to a point... so I'm just gonna dive back in and start going where ever my mind takes me.

I have noticed a radical change in my 'self' as I have began meditating.  It has been something of a treasure that was always there, but I have fully captured the essence of it now. I knew that this place of mind where I could openly feel without trepidation existed, but it didn't always feel available to me.  I could catch glimpses of it out of the corner of eye and feel it at my fingertips... It seemed mostly out of reach, until recently.

But first, what is 'self'.  This seems to be such a big question that many have asked and answered.  When asked most NT (neurotypical) people will begin to describe their social roles, ie; 'I'm a mother, a teacher, a wife...'.  I'm not engaging in bigotry, or saying that they're wrong to do this.  I'm just pointing out what most say and do, so please hold off the PC squad on this one.  This answer never seemed to make sense to me.It didn't make much sense with the Asperger ladies that I have discussed this topic with, either.  I am a mother, and I like what I do for an occupation (if you can call it that) and I love being married to my husband, but is me? Is it what defines me? I have to say no.  No, it isn't because I existed before my husband, my children, my career. I was me before they were around and if they were all to disappear tomorrow, I'll still be me.  So, if 'me' isn't that, then, what is it?  That was the question that I set to find out.  That was part of the reason I ended up on the path to Buddhism and Mindfulness.  I needed an alternate explanation to the riddle 'what is self?'

First, before I could move onto defining myself in any way I had to learn self awareness.  This was a feat for this aspie. I had to know what I was feeling, and when.  I had to identify my emotions and my wants and needs.  I had to learn about me, then let go of me.  I learn to recognize the little twinges of desire and the small nags of irritation.  Where I carried my anger, where I felt my sadness, where I stored my breath in anxiety.  This was all parts of me.  Parts that I didn't know existed within me in such subtle forms.  This journey of self discovery was overwhelming, but exhilarating.


Once, I could label my emotions and what they meant to me I could now begin to learn to let them go.  My awareness now moved to time. Nothing is permanent.  This moment is no more important than any of yesterday or tomorrow.  What meaning I attach to it is one that is arbitrary.  One that is made up and only experienced by me. Don't believe me?  Think of a time where life was difficult. When you look back things don't seem so bad, do they?  You may even have thought that you'll never feel better, or different, but you did.You have. While there is no doubt that we can and do suffer as humans, it's the attachments that we tack onto these emotions that we struggle with.

I feel that my self, me is defined by what I do,what I say what I am in every moment.  It's never static.  It's the choices I make that make me in this moment.  My values and goals and how I choose to fit them into my life, is me.  Every moment of everyday, I get to choose who I want to me to be.  How I respond to stranger at the store, or my naughty child, or frustrated husband.  My actions at that given moment define me.  I'd like to think that I am a kind, generous, supportive, person, among other qualities.  Before, I react to another person, or speak/act at all, I try to pause and ask myself if the person that I want to be is supported and defined by what I'm about to do.  If I say no, that wouldn't be kind, generous, supportive, ect... then I have the option of behaving in a different way.  One in which the me that I want to be is who that I am.

Things you wish adults knew when you were a child. The following are direct quotes from many adult autistics.

Now that it's time for school to begin I thought that I'd share a document that I put together a couple years ago about things that adult autistics say they wished their parents knew when they were children.  I always print and share this with my boys' teachers and principls. They say that it's helpful in understanding them.  Please, feel free to copy and share this where ever it may be useful.  I'm not a computer wiz, so I was unable to convert the Rich Format to HTML code on blogger, so this is in plain text.  The original document  (WHICH CAN BE FOUND HERE IN PDF) is much nicer and easier to read. You can also ask me and I'll send you a copy via e-mail if you'd like.  I had a lot of fun collecting all these tips from my fellow spectrum friends on WP, FB, and other places.  Many of us are more than willing to share and help when asked.

Things you wish adults knew when you were a child.
The following are direct quotes from many adult autistics.

"When your kid forgets to do something they said they would do--they really did forget! I still do. Smile

My dad always urged me to "buckle down". Neither of us knew at the time that my "buckle" was broken, and although I had the best intentions, I didn't know how. I wish I had had specific, detailed, step-by-step directions on how to get those things done that I didn't know how to even start.

Don't expect your kid to infer anything. Just tell them. They are not ignoring your wishes or your needs. They just don't get it. Tell them and be specific. Tell them when they are doing it right, and if they aren't, calmly point out what needs to change. And if they overreact to that, just let them. In the years to come they will pick up some moderation. (Some.) It's not personal."

"Im still very forgetful, AND I don;t clue in to non verbal cues, so whoever thinks Im a "creep" because I dont clue in, they should do some research first before jumping to that conclusion.They would find that I would do as they have wanted if they clearly spelled it out for me verbally."

"Don't assume that just because I'm not looking at you that I'm not paying attention. I often will concentrate on what you're saying better when I'm looking away from you.

P.E, was torture for me. I am not coordinated, nor will I ever be. Some of my worst memories come from P.E. class. It really hurts a child's self-esteem to always be the last one picked for teams. There has to be another alternative rather than to put ASD kids through that."

"Always be positive!
Treat them just like any other child- they just want to be normal.
Give them special one on one attention. I thrive for that!

Dont hold them back- it keeps them from their full potiental. They can susprise you."

"I would always draw or play with the stuff in my desk or something during class, but I still heard what the teacher said. If I tried to just listen and sit still, I would drift off and start thinking about other things, because it was not stimulating enough to just listen.

Also, sometimes if I didn't have a sufficient explanation for why I should do something, I would refuse to do it. So I think I would have done a lot better in school if the teachers had explained a lot more, because they often didn't have good reasons.

And I think something else that would be nice is if teachers would sometimes tell awkward kids what they might do to not get teased as much. I don't know, maybe they're not allowed to do that for some weird reason, but I think it would be nice, since they're the ones who see the teasing happening."

"Don't attempt to make me look at the teacher when I am trying to pay attention. I can do one of them.

Don't make "choose a partner/team" group work mandatory this does not only refer to PE. It is horrible if everyone finds a partner immediately and I stand there and everyone does not want me.

The noise during recess was far more stressfull than the classes. I had to calm down from recess in class."

"
I don't always know what I'm doing is impolite, and I can't always control it (ie. laughing at inappropriate times).

Sometimes I don't speak because I REALLY don't know how to answer the question, and the MORE you try to force me to answer, the more intimidated I get, and the less likely you'll get an answer.

I get into a lot of trouble for defending myself in fights started by someone else, because I'm not as verbally skilled, and can't talk myself out of trouble like others. Don't automatically assume I'm in the wrong just because I cannot come up with a convincing -story-.

I don't always know when I'm being impolite, I just say what's on my mind, please don't make a scene out of it, just explain to me my mistake in private.

Sometimes when made to talk to the entire class, make a presentation, or when told to share ideas with the class, I get nervous, I stumble over my words, and I can't think clearly, which is why I usually cut the speech short, it's not because I'm not participating, it's because I'm terrified I'll make a mistake, and get made fun of by the whole class. You questioning me in front of the entire class as to why I won't participate makes me feel like crap.

Please be direct in your speech, don't use metaphors or sarcasm when asking me to do something, 99 out of 100 times, I won't get what you're asking of me."

"So many things...

Not stopping doing what I was doing when I was told to stop doing it.

Doing the same thing over and over and over despite being told not to do it.

Not looking at people when I spoke to them.

Speaking to people in a way that they interpreted to be condescending / patronising.

Not being able to make out what the teacher was saying because there was too much background noise.

Doodling constantly during lessons.

Doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing because I had finished my work and was bored.

Doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing because I didn't find the work interesting.

Not understanding things because I didn't understand the way the teacher explained them.

Not understanding things (especially maths) because of thinking too deeply about it.

Not liking certain lessons because I didn't like / get on with the teacher.

Never reading any books (I seem to have a bit of an issue with reading and tire of it very quickly).

Not understanding what behaviour was appropriate for my age.

Not having a clue what people were going on about when they started fancying other people and all that.

Not realising that I needed to be proactive to make friends.

Team sports were always a problem for me.

Also dance and aerobics involving copying moves off others was and is still a major problem for me.

That said, I'm totally fine at certain sports, such as running (but not sprints), swimming, climbing, dance (making my own moves), javlin, discus, shotput, cycling and also going to the gym don't cause me any problems. I think the key with sports is to stick to what you're good at. "

"Don't talk down to me (when I was a child and people used that sing-song tone it made me cringe)
Don't assume I ought to know something-inform me politely
Don't assume because I don't approach you that I want to be alone (that's a tricky one-sometimes I do) I don't know how to ask to be a part of a group-I'm afraid of rejection and need to be asked.
Don't assume I'm lazy-I can't focus and trying makes me very tired
Explain to me what I did wrong socially without attacking me"

"
I remember when I got in trouble for something I'd get the stern "look at me when I'm talking to you!" and dread it.

Negative reinforcement only pissed me off. I still have a grudge against my grandfather and he passed away over a decade ago. The horrors I went through with him...

I had a horrible time in school to the point where I was scared to death to go back. At that age I had no idea what to say, so I just cried. If only they knew how emotionally damaged I was. My grandmother said she could never understand why I flipped out. My mother, on the other hand, picked up on it. I ended up moving in with her after that situation. I changed schools, but I still went through a lot of problems.

Being constantly nagged to do things never helped me want to do them. Asking kindly would have made a world of difference, but parents don't think they should have to do that. Plus, back then, we had no idea what Asperger's was. My mother just said I was eccentric.

I remember when I first heard the band Rush. I obsessed over them for months. My mom thought that was insane, but their music was so complex and intelligent that I couldn't stop listening. It would have been nice to have a diagnosis back then, cos so much emotional stress could have been avoided. I wouldn't have been yelled at for my obsessions and odd behaviors."

"Maybe true for all kids, but when a kid says there is nothing wrong, they are likely lying.

The only way to get a kid to tell you the truth is to become someone they feel they can trust. Only then MIGHT you find out what's going on inside of them."

"Even though my parents knew that I was on the spectrum, I wish that they didn't do these things:

Things would have gone a lot more smoothly, if they didn't spank me. The only thing that I've learned from those spankings, was that it was okay to hit and punch the bullies, when they picked on me, and called me "retarded". They never did that again, though.

I wish that they would have let me talk about my special interests, at least at home, instead of getting angry at me, for doing so, no matter how much I talked about them. I didn't talk to any of my peers in high school, because my mum said, "As soon as those kids find out what you like, they're going to bug you about it!" That's what led to all that posting about Routemasters at WP in 2006. I've kept that obsession a secret from everybody that I had social contact with, off-line. One member tried to make me his project, by training me not to post about them, so much. If he only knew what I had to go through, and the many headaches, colds and flues that I've endured, just by keeping my special interests to myself, for so many years, he wouldn't have done that. My parents wouldn't have done that, either.

I also hated that "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" by my father, who I didn't trust at all. If he knew that I didn't trust him, he wouldn't have forced that eye contact. He would have treated me in such a caring way, that would have made me feel that I could trusted him and felt at ease with him to begin with, and than I would have given him that eye contact.

Some people on the milder end of the autistic spectrum appear to speak with a foreign accent. Mine happens to be the London Cockney. My parents spiritually abused me the entire summer that I was 12, by telling me not to speak with a nasal sounding voice. The following spring, I've told my mum, brimming with pride, that I have a bit of a Cockney accent. She said, "We can fix that." She changed her tune in a hurry, after most of my teachers wrote that I won't speak to my regular classmates, on my first high school report card. She asked, "Did anybody say anything about the way that you speak?" I said, "Yes...both you and dad did, two years ago." She said that she was sorry that she caused me so much pain. I've started talk to my mum and dad nonstop, again."

"it would have been really nice if:

my mother accepted that I'm a literal thinker, instead of getting frustrated and criticizing me, as if I were choosing not to understand her vague instructions.

my mother encouraged me and gave me some praise for what I did right, instead of focusing on what I did wrong and going on and on about it.

schools made kids like I was safe, which probably means keeping us away from bullies. it wasn't so much of a problem in grade school, but it got worse and worse as I got older until I just quit going to school.

schools provided behavioral classrooms as a matter of course, to assist kids who need coaching in personal hygiene and social skills."

"Don't sit me by the loudest kid in the class.

There was a boy in my class that must've had ADHD (severely) and he was always making noise, and touching people, and running into them. Those three things are probably at the top of my list of worst sensory issues. It seems that the teacher always sat me by him. My grades went down, because I couldn't concentrate, and my anxiety skyrocketed. It got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I was so afraid of having to deal with this kid at school. He knew that touching me bothered me a lot, so he did it even more, because it was fun to him see me have a meltdown. I don't see how the teacher didn't notice all of this. I've seen this happen with my 7 yo son, too. I don't understand why the teacher can't make more of an effort to keep these kinds of boys as separate as possible from my son.

Oh, and it never even once occurred to me to ask for help with this issue. Sometimes, you have to pay attention to what 's going on with ASD kids, because they won't think to tell you about their problems. If someone would've thought to ask me, I'd probably have told them how much it was bothering me, if I could find the words, and felt comfortable talking to the person."

"Even when an autistic child is comfortable about telling something, it may still be impossible to ask the child about certain things. Often these things are information, skills or feelings the child experienced or learnt in another situation or another environment (school, home, kindergarten, club).

It is perfectly possible that if a teacher asks an autistic child about home it does not seem able to tell any or correct information. It is also possible that a child wants to tell something about school to his or her parents but simply cannot.

I'd also add in specific:

An autistic child may be perfectly able to do something in one situation and/or environment, but truly unable to perform the same skill in a different situation/environment. That everything from knowledge to learnt skills are only available to the child in certain situation is a difficulty that can come with autism."

"I wish that my teachers had realised that having hundreds of kids sitting in grouped tables, chatting away and having to cooperate was overwhelming for me. I'm willing to bet that some of my relatives (had they been young children during the 90s) would've had trouble coping with this set up too. Back in the old days it was single rows of silent desks. Back then, socialising was strictly a recreational activity.

I wish they could've realised how the school environment made it difficult for me to learn.

I wish they could have realised that my strengths (observing, analysing and recording the physical environment) were not being put to best use.

I wish that they could've realised that I was a caring person who feels deep emotions, but was socially clueless, so inadvertently offended people. I can read some facial expressions, so I wish they could've realised that I was not a completely "cold" asocial "monster".

I wish they could've realised that my out-of-sync movements during PE and dancing were not willful: I genuinely couldn't sync up with the other kids. I also felt an insatiable urge to do my own thing and develop my own style.

I wish they could've realised that I wanted to join in.
Actually, I wanted to join in and lead the activity in my own style and wanted to teach the other kids things without them telling me to "Shut up".

I genuinely wanted to be friendly and not upset people.
In fact, I was very concerned and felt very upset when I had inadvertently upset others."

"The whole choose a group or partner for a group activity was the worst.

Bullies are also a horrendous problem and a zero tolerance policy needs to be in place to deal with them. I remember being told everything I shouldn't provoke them (I didn't) to I need to stand up for myself (kinda hard when I was barely chest height). Teachers need to realize that yes some bullies have problems at home or something and act out by hurting other kids, some however are just sociopaths. There are no differences to work out (I've also been told to work out differences with bullies, seriously how stupid are some teachers) some bullies just like hurting other people and aspie or autistic kids make excellent victims for them. (I have very strong feelings about bullies)

I had one class where the teacher played music in the background, while the music was nice it was rather distracting. That might just be me though.

I actually calm down by moving, walking/pacing in particular. Trying to hold still just makes me agitated.

Just because it might take me a while to form the right words to answer a question doesn't mean I don't know the answer, or if I'm in trouble for something, that I'm lying or making a story up. I'm still working on ordering my thoughts so I can communicate properly. (I have a vague memory of being told something along the lines, don't sit there making something up, just answer the question) "

"This is a tip that goes for me:

If you are explaining something to me then ask, 'do you understand?' don't assume that my answer 'yes' means I DO understand. My hearing can only pick up certain words of speech (auditory discrimination issues) so my mind puts two and two together to get 3 most of the time! If necessary, write the thing down. This way it may be more comprehendable. Hope that helps!"

"That strong staff leadership and a sincere inclusive ethos can make all the difference.

That clear rules and guidelines can help a person know "where they stand" and what to expect.

That inconsistencies and "rules" that aren't spelled out clearly are confusing."

"That when I repeatedly said, yelled, and pleaded for them to leave me alone, that they did so instead of continuing to yell at me through my closed door. They caused so many meltdowns, rages, etc. that way. That's often an aspie's only way of expressing that they're becoming overwhelmed. It's a last-ditch effort to avoid losing control. If parents don't recognize and respect this, they will be largely responsible for the resulting "bad behavior". Parents of people with Asperger's need to learn when to back off and allow them to calm down.

People with autism frequently respond with more basic emotions than other people. Harsh tone of voice or a demanding attitude will often result in a heavily defensive response. If you want your message to be received, and to not result in the opposite effect, it is important to remain calm and polite. Whereas a non-autistic person may take a harsh tone to indicate you mean business, an autistic person generally interprets it as an attack and responds as such. This can result in an argumentative or hostile response.

People with autism frequently need to mentally prepare themselves before doing something, and also frequently have a poor concept of time. A timetable of "Now" causes stress, frustration, and anger. It is far better to give them a few minutes' warning and / or early reminders to allow them to prepare and be ready."

"The one that stands out is I wish my parents knew that just because I asked unusual questions about sex at a really young age didn't mean that they should panic and ban me from reading encyclopedias. "

"As a child, I always wished that the people who said, "You know you can always talk to me," understood that just because I didn't talk to them, didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to them. I couldn't. I had (and still have) problems organizing my thoughts and getting them out. Just be patient and I will do my best.

This one is especially for the teachers: when asked about my emotional state and I say, "I don't know," I really don't know. It's almost impossible for me to know what the heck I'm feeling and it is nearly impossible to articulate it.

Usually when I lose it, I'm blamed for my destructive behavior and never allowed to explain myself--even if I could. And never let your child feel guilty for something that was not their fault, nor let your child feel guilty for what they do not understand because that guilt will stay with them forever.

Also, most Aspies tend to have a long memory. My first memory is being in a crib and crying for someone to come to me. And then I heard my mother's voice saying, "Shut up!" To this day, I can't get over that. "

"I wish my parents knew that stimming is natural and important to me; that I need to do it."

"I recently made a list of things for my son's teacher that I wish my teachers had known. I got so tired of being told not to be a tattletale about things that were CLEARLY wrong, and I stopped and shut down with talking to my teachers altogether. "

" if I put my hands over my ears when you start whistling a song to yourself, or you want me to sing a song with you, or anything of the sort, know that maybe I just *can't* do it. It's possible that the whistling actually hurts, or that the extra auditory input of the sound is just too much. And quit tapping your pencil on the table if you want me to a) be sane and b) focus on anything else!"

"to consider face blindness and keep a 'signature' about themselves so they can be recognised and to use gesture and objects where possible and speak in bullet points."

"In a tense or stressful situation I may start to shut down. This often means I don't know how to handle or process all of the stimulus around me. Help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and understand how I can be involved in the event."

"As a school child my world was hard enough and then I entered that huge empty echoing place, with so much noise I could not hear, I could not focus and impossible to read a blackboard if I you dare look, because if I did look up, someone laughed, made fun, yet more abusive. At times so unbearable, but no place to hide I had no choice but to endure. What the other children enjoyed and talked about, made me feel more of an alien.."

"I wish that teachers knew that I needed extra guidance. I was pretty much dropped off at school at 5 years old and expected to 'figure it all out'. That might work for some kids, but it just made the world a chaotic place for me for a few years there. In fact, what should have been done, was indeed done later when I was 9 years old... I went to a new school and one student there was asked to show me around and let me know how things worked, and where everything was. The difference that this made was like night and day. I thoroughly enjoyed my time at the new school, and excelled as a student as well.

I had a hard time making sense of the big picture as a child. I could figure out what was expected of me from moment to moment, with a little effort, but understanding how each part of my day made sense on a daily or weekly basis was impossible. A kind of tunnel vision with regard to my own life. A very narrow understanding. Experts tend to say that Asperger's children need structure, maybe these sort of difficulties are the reason.

I also wish that my parents knew that I needed personal, private time (grew up in a large family), and that noise was something I was extremely sensitive to. The home life that I had growing up was a pressure-cooker environment that made me a more anxious adult, I think."

"I wanted to have things set, and to stay the same. I did not like too much variation, fortunately perhaps in my childhood there wasn't much. Things are different today. When i was working as a teacher aide, my supervisor told me of an aspie boy who she had been helping. Technology classes at that school were taught in 'blocks' of ten lessons, then they were moved onto a new subject. For the first block, she took him into the room beforehand, introduced him to the teacher, who showed where everything was, told him what would happen, etc, he knew what to expect and the lessons went well. Unfortunately, she didn't think he would need the same when they moved on to the next block. He was so overwhelmed he spent the entire first lesson of the new subject sobbing in the corner of the classroom. Big lesson for her, and the other teachers."

"The biggest, please don't shout at me, if you do say sorry, please don't make me a spectacle, be kind to me, make me feel good about my differences not feel subnormal and less than human.   Listen to me.  

If just these things would have happened my younger life would have been less retched and less full of pain."

"I have difficulty answering this as I would say my difficulties emerged in my teens and further on.

I imagine (from the viewpoint of an older person) that an early diagnosis could have been helpful and I needed training not to take everything literally and to understand that authorities were just fellow human beings not enemies.

(Turning this around I suppose I wish teachers knew that I regarded them as enemies not because I was inherently nasty (although I confess I could behave that way to teachers) but because I felt they were trying to impinge on me by forcing useless information into me - I needed explanation as to why things were happening which was not of the "because I say so variety")

I failed to understand how teachers could make rules and then dislike people who told them other people were breaking the rules - did they or did they not want the rules kept, and were they or were they not responsible for enforcing them?   I still find this one a bit puzzeling. I suppose nowadays they try and get buyinto rules by getting the students to work them out at the beginning of a year.

I think the most useful thing I could have been taught was not to take books literally - that I needed to prioritise what I could learn  from life over what I could learn from books. I expected my life to play out like a novel and was constantly disappointed when it didn't. 

I think aspie kids probably need to have time spent giving them details of different points of view."

"I wish that everyone wouldn't have made such a big deal about my eating habits.  I still don't like most my food to touch, and I still eat only one item of food at a time on my plate.  It's not worth hassling a kid over.  I also have sensory issues with certain foods, mostly because of the way they smell."

I also wish that my parents would've taken my other sensory issues more seriously.  If  an autistic child is telling you that something is bothering them (that relates to one of the senses) take them seriously.  Don't accuse them of being over-exaggerative."