tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80538555938467130892024-03-14T00:21:32.434-05:00Thoughts of an Introverted MatriarchQuiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.comBlogger306125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-27961281389318109782024-01-19T22:00:00.001-06:002024-01-19T22:00:31.386-06:00Some Extra Help<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><br></div>This month has been heavy. January always is, but this year it feels like it's packing an extra oomph to me. I feel ungrounded, lost, anxious and unable to even find a basic direction where relief can be found. That's why I decided it was time. I pulled up my new insurance app and began researching therapy and wellness options. It took some digging, but I was able to find an 8 week program that seems to meet my needs with no out of pocket expense. I haven't been to any sort of therapy for 10-15 years. Usually, I am able to use the tools I've learned previously or find other resources to help me solve issues as they arise. This time I was up to my eyebrows with a whole conglomeration of various emotional struggles and anxieties with little solace from anywhere. It's time to learn new techniques and gather some new tools. It's not anymore layered than that. Life has changed and so have I. My inability to keep pace isn't a failure or anything to feel bad about. It's just a sign that I don't have the set of coping skills I need to feel more confident and successful in my repertoire right now, but I can learn those skills. <div><br></div><div>If you're going through something similar, I urge you to look for any resources you can access to help yourself get back on track. You don't have to suffer alone. Investing time and energy into improving your well being also raises the well being of everyone whom your presence affects. I'm hoping that I can get to feeling like my best self again and you all can too, if you're not already. </div><div><br></div>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-30066190796963847292023-12-29T21:42:00.001-06:002023-12-29T21:42:31.834-06:00Not This YearThis last year was a long, strung out struggle for my family, same as it was for many families I know. With unrelenting stress, economic woes and humanitarian crisises becoming a normal part of our lives on a global scale, most of us are burnt out. Honestly, I feel like there should be another word used here to describe this state of being where life keeps coming at us with high energy demands, but we're all running on fumes, but I can't think of it right now, so I suppose 'burnt out' will have to do. <div><br></div><div>I'm not gonna even say that I'm glad this year is over. I'm not feeling optimistic that next year will be better. I'm just gonna hope for the best, while trying to build my resilience to meet whatever challenges come my way.</div><div><br></div><div>Part of doing that is knowing when to rest and when to be active. </div><div><br></div><div>As I've grown older, I've realized that sometimes it's fine to half ass tasks and skip on tradition. Sometimes doing some of a chore, or a task is better than doing none of it, because when you have health or other challenges in your life that syphon your energy, waiting until you can complete a task to perfection is equal to never getting to it at all. </div><div><br></div><div>I feel the same about traditions. Holiday and other celebratory traditions are meant to fill our cups. They're meant to lift spirits in a communal way that nourishes our souls in unison. They aren't there to drain or drag us down. This year my family skipped a couple of our annual Christmas traditions. With my husband's and my health issues we were unable to make them happen without significant sacrifice. While I felt a little sad about not participating in some of the usual activities, I felt a sense of relief and peacefulness. I managed to sidestep the anxiety and give gratitude to what I can do with joy, instead of dragging through what I thought I *had* to do. I wanted to be present in what my life is right now, even if it's not what I expected.</div><div><br></div><div>This kind of approach to celebrations isn't new for us in terms of raising neurodivergent children. Beans is a young man now, but still doesn't care for his routine to change much. He tends to get anxious when we ask him to unwrap gifts. He doesn't like it, so why make him do it? We usually put his gifts into an open gift bag and leave it for him to go through at his leisure. No pressure. Below is a picture of what's left on the 28th of the basket we piled his gifts into Christmas Eve. He had pulled out about half of it in the last 3 days. He seemed to like the things he received, but he needs time to feel it all out. That's fine with us. Sometimes we all do. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div></div>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-13238672124364765412023-07-06T00:27:00.001-05:002023-07-06T00:27:36.803-05:00My Own CriticI love to write. I have ideas for content all day that float across my mind like clouds of inspiration in a blue sunny sky. They drift aimlessly in fluffy masses through my conscious, only to dissipate as another task calls for my attention. That's where I seem to be nowadays, mundane tasks sandwiched between fatigue and more fatigue. The hours turn into days and all my good intentions to create get lost in the shuffle.<div><br></div><div>I guess life coupled with chronic illness does that to a person. The demands often outweigh the abilities, but still we press on. I'd say I've adjusted, that I've accepted, but that would be a false claim, as much as I wish it weren't. I'm still adjusting and doing an okay job of it, but accepting is another animal, it's layered and complicated. My subconscious, conscious and emotions have to all align in order for true acceptance of this radically different reality that I presently find myself within. This takes time and can't be rushed. There are no jump aheads or shortcuts on the journey to acceptance. It's a total surrender of what could have been for what is, can and will be. I think removing the rose tinted glasses in these kinds of circumstances is a slow process for most. I am a steadily patient soul, carefully crafting, building, nurturing growth and progress in others, but fall short on lending myself that same kind of support. As much of a realist as I claim to be, my ability to view myself from any perspective other than one of a cynical critic with impossible standards is poor, at best. Acknowledgement of this is only a whisper of a solution in a mind that's been built to operate in this kind of fight or flight environment. While I *know* my ideas of what I can realistically achieve presently is skewed, I am unable to fully believe it. </div><div><br></div><div>I am, as always, a work in progress. Every day presents itself with old and new challenges. My goal is to navigate them all in ways that foster growth, joy and purpose in whatever way I can, from wherever I happen to be. </div>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-55048621140244418762023-05-17T14:58:00.002-05:002023-05-17T14:58:18.109-05:00The Nostalgia of Ink and Paper<p> I grew up loving the tactile feel of stationary. Journaling stationary, postcards, greeting cards, notebooks and more, all empty, awaiting the perfect moment when a person's imagination turns to a creation. What once was a private concept born of a mind's eye becomes a tangible expression of thought to share, communicate with others. All the empty pages ready to soak up the contents of one's mind. <br /><br />It's a writer's curse and blessing to see such potential of these pages. The smell and feel of new, unused pages bound by spines and spirals feels fresh, elegant but intimidating. The first words set a tone. They must match the energy this empty book deserves. Will the first scribbles miss the mark? What if they land flatly on the paper, forever staining it with subpar markings? Oh, the anxiety of new beginnings! <br /><br />I still have quite a modest collection of stationary. I find that I utilize them in fewer and fewer creative ways and much more as daily doldrum type tasks. To do and shopping lists tend to fill the pages where my inner most thoughts used to go. <br /><br />As I grew up, the bound pages turned to blank, stark white single papers twisted firmly into a typewriter. The keys were concave and slick. The letters struck the paper with force, imprinting it with neat, ink letters. Tick, click, tick, ring. It was also tactile , but in a different way. <br /><br />That way of filling pages soon turned digital from there. The keyboard still made a clicking noise, but more subdued. The paper would be a blinking curser on a screen until I filled it with letters, no paper to be seen unless I decided to print my creation. <br /><br />Now, the keyboard is a screen and there is no clicking to be heard. I miss the feeling of taking pen to paper, even if I do appreciate the ease and efficiency of digital writing. There was always a quiet beauty to stacks of filled journals or a recipe box of small note cards neatly written, ready to be flipped through. <br /></p>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-38468844525759454742022-11-20T11:43:00.001-06:002022-11-20T11:44:35.434-06:00When the Struggle Bus is Over Capacity <p> This week has been long.
I think most of the previous weeks in 2022 have been as well. The air feels thick with stress, tension and low level anxiety everywhere I go. From stores to office buildings all the way into our homes, the world as a collective whole has felt tense to me this last year. I mean, truthfully it's felt this way since 2019. Tensions built and pulled back the last two years causing most of us to become accustomed to at least a low level of stress buzzing from our environments at all times, which has led many people to experience burnout. There's simply too many conflicts co-occuring in our lives at once on a constant basis. We can't address them all. There's no space to relax and regroup before the next. Some people do perform better when challenged by a stressful situation, when the event is singular in nature. Having to meet a deadline or having to rise up and out of comfort zones can be stimulating for us, leading to creative solutions. Our brains get a surge of adrenaline. The issue is when the challenges keep coming at a rate to where rest isn't possible, or the problems are not solvable. Maybe they aren't even unique, new or huge, but they're always there, hanging in the background, breathing on the backs of our necks, nagging. This constant state of low level stress ends up feeling like a gray cloud that hangs over us making the air around us constantly thick with a tinge of oppression and anxiety.
It's difficult to keep a healthy perspective on life when our daily environment feels this way. We feel exhausted, defensive and agitated. Human nature dictates that we save our small amount of resources for ourselves and our families. People guard their time, money and energy fiercely under these conditions. We find ourselves unusually snappy at others and others to us, thus the cycle gets stronger. Burnout is ugly and uncomfortable. It also feels very personal. I shortens our vision, making us feel like we're the only ones suffering, or even perhaps, that others are the cause of our current blah state. We feel victimized and look for the perpetrator. That all too frequently ends up being anyone who hits us the wrong way, in the wrong moment, causing a backlash from us. <br /></p><p> </p><p>Most of the articles written about issues such as this have this nice list at the bottom of things we can do to alleviate the problem. I wish I knew. I don't think there is a singular solution to this complex, worldwide tense state we seem to be experiencing. Between war and a global recession, we are all suffering. The only advice I have is to remember that. We are all struggling right now. Emotions are high and energy is low for everyone. Be kind. Remember we're all human, so practice empathy and compassion when dealing with others. Literally, those things are a skill. The more you practice, the better youll get, and the better you get, the more positively you can affect the world around you, leading to more of the same. We're all in this together. <br /></p>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-88595576324391801612022-10-04T20:48:00.001-05:002022-10-04T20:48:35.440-05:00Sensing FallThese are my favorite days. The sky is a clear light blue and the days are still warm, bordering on hot, but mornings leave you needing a jacket. Early fall feels full of change. Reminiscent of school days, maybe. Things feel new. The air is light and the trees are beginning to change color. <div><br></div><div>I have experienced this change of seasons 43 times now, yet somehow each time feels new. Every year from September through to November, I feel in awe of the seasonal change of fall. Unlike winter and summer, which their arrival never feels pronounced, fall and spring is always short, but beautiful in color and weather. </div><div><br></div><div>I definitely don't live in an area known for beautiful landscapes or pleasant weather. However, I think its important to find something interesting, something positive and something worthwhile in every day, in every environment. </div><div><br></div><div>There is so much stress, illness and unknowns occurring in my family's life currently. There is no denying this as a fact. Still, i try to take tiny moments in my day to search for those things I mentioned above. My brain stores much of my life experiences as sensory information, so its relatively easy for me to feel a calm moment just by experiencing something in my environment that reminds me of calm/happy moments of the past. The smell of cut grass, blooming flowers, newly fallen snow, leaves crunching underfoot... these are all examples of things that bring me peace, joy and moments of calmness in an otherwise chaotic world.</div><div><br></div><div>What kinds of things trigger peaceful feelings for you?</div>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-31548244405907961992021-03-13T02:00:00.001-06:002021-03-13T02:01:52.832-06:00My Habitual Time Sucks <p> Shortly into February I took a break, or at least greatly reduced my social media use. I thought it would for sure lend me the time I needed to get back to writing and creating. Ahhh.... Not so much. I had envisioned this waterfall of creative energy just leaping out from my inner, now more focused thoughts. While I did have more focus during this dry spell of social media, it did not produce the time I expected it to in the way of large, uninterrupted blocks. I guess that's maybe what part of the allure is of scrolling endlessly through posts, pictures and videos. We only have a few seconds, maybe a minute, so we pick up our phone to check notifications. Nothing wrong with that. For me, seconds turn into minutes and by the end of the day I feel like I've mindlessly scrolled my day away in small chunks of time. I feel annoyed with myself and vow to do better tomorrow, but then tomorrow comes and with it the same hectic schedule while I once again take micro-breaks with my phone that leave me unsatisfied and overwhelmed. </p><p><br /></p><p>What I yearn for is a meaningful experience. A genuine connection. Those can be had online. I'm not one to dismiss the value of internet friendships. There are quiet places tucked away online where we can find kindred spirits and the interaction is full of depth and human connection. I am grateful to have found a couple of such corners. But, somehow inside of my primitive brain lies the belief that more is better, so I set out to find a hit or two of dopamine in the way of scrolling and app surfing.</p><p><br /></p><p>I guess I am just thinking out loud, so to speak. I don't have an answer to all this and am not expecting any from my readers. I find it a productive process to empty the contents of what has been lurking within my brain, going into circles onto a page of neat lined words, and pretty paragraphs. This is a physical release that allows me to view everything from a different perspective than the one I have as a running stream of thoughts inside my mind. </p><p><br /></p><p>When I began blogging something like twelve years ago it was mostly about my children's autism. Then that shifted to advocacy. I also became aware of my own autism during this last decade, so I filled many pages about my own experience as a woman with Asperger Syndrome. A few years ago I opened the content to include my thoughts on introversion, as well. My particular writing style has bent and shaped itself around these topics offering new paths for me to explore as a writer. I think it is this style I like the most. There is no point to prove or confining topic to be boxed into with free style writing. The words flow as they are inside of my thoughts onto this space with the only challenge being for me to adequately piece them all together in a way that conveys my vibrant inner world to readers.</p><p>As I work to assess my habits concerning time management I hope that I can slowly reintroduce the idea of journaling a few times a week to as a tool for introspection. I think it would be helpful to me, despite if anyone else were to read what I write, or comment about it or not. </p><p><br /></p><p>If you are reading this and want to reply, do you do any sort of journaling? What kind? If not, what is your creative outlet that allows you to release your emotions?</p>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-48342848126978803762021-01-24T00:34:00.002-06:002021-01-24T00:34:45.531-06:00Couch Days<p>This was definitely a couch day. </p><p>I awoke to colorful kaleidoscope images growing until the patterns disperse like fireworks in a 4th of July sky behind my eyelids. At the moment of semi-conciousness where my slumber ends and I fill into my body from the dream world far away I am welcomed by these dizzying colors. I open my eyes to try to focus through the fragmented light patterns as they fade into the dimmed sunlight that crosses the foot of my bed.</p><p>It's a migraine and vertigo state I have found myself in.</p><p><br /></p><p>These days are not long, or short. They just are. Malaise and melancholy are states of being that defy time. It's an awareness of pain, confusion and blurred content all at once. It's a brain fog that submerged all thoughts into a dense tangle, leaving me to wonder what I came into rooms to do, or finding myself in front of an open refrigerator with forgotten plans. I wander through these days feeling far away and lonely, as if the physical pain wasn't enough. </p><p>I find some kind of solace in the routines I follow for comfort. I settle into my favorite spot on the couch. The familiarity of this spot, of the space that I call home envelopes me. Strangely, these walls feel both confining and soothing. I'm both grateful and resentful for this life. </p><p>It's approaching midnight, pulling this day to a close. I stare out the window before making my way to bed. The January sky is a muted glow of heavy clouds, illuminating the bare branches of the trees. Maybe snow? Winter nights feel so hushed and still. I love the way street lamps light the empty streets and glowing windows dot the houses with cozy people inside. </p><p>Surely the morning will greet me with a different story than today, a blank narrative for me to influence.</p>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-74593451123574831232020-10-21T00:24:00.002-05:002020-10-21T00:25:10.714-05:00Surviving 2020, But How?<p> Today while I was out running some errands I took note of the misty gray sky and the chilly temperatures. My stomach kinda pulled in as a familiar feeling of low dread began swirling through it. With a heavy exhale I realized it was my body remembering the winter blahs. The short, dreary days where everything is gray and brown outside leading to an evening of early darkness that seems to drag on and on. </p><p><br /></p><p>I'm not the only one feeling this way. Somehow, the entire world seems to be on an exasperated negative energy shift. I was not aware that this kind of restless melancholy could be shared with so many on a global level, but for the majority of people I know, it seems to be.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3pmtqDEwOUM/X4_GBU1sfKI/AAAAAAAABH0/pxiiwSqS2RcnAbVexpzGvSK37sf-FcjZgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1062/122122658_10158238634743113_7632207432375351781_o.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1009" data-original-width="1062" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3pmtqDEwOUM/X4_GBU1sfKI/AAAAAAAABH0/pxiiwSqS2RcnAbVexpzGvSK37sf-FcjZgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/122122658_10158238634743113_7632207432375351781_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>So, what can we do with all this stress and turmoil we're finding ourselves reeling in from day to day? I certainly don't have any answers that will be applicable to everyone, but I have do have some suggestions to try, and possibly tweak to fit your own life.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>Find Ways To Connect:</b></p><p><b> </b></p><p>During quarantine this is hard. As a matter of fact, quarantine/social distancing is probably a huge part of why everyone is out of sorts. Humans are social animals, even as introverted as I am, I need to have some kind of social contact with others, even if it that contact is different than that of an extrovert.</p><p><b> </b><br /></p><p>If you're someone who really misses socializing in person there are some volunteer opportunities that may be available in your area. In my area there is still a soup kitchen that runs on volunteer work as well as people needed to help with the food bank. I'm sure there are more activities than that to choose from, but those are two that I know of. <br /></p><p><br /></p><p>This one might be a little counter-intuitive, but I absolutely think it's helpful to many of us. Lean into social media <i>selectively.</i> Find groups to join on topics you like. Share your passions with others and encourage them to share theirs. I belong to more than one group on social media where the people are positive and supportive. If you don't have this, or can't find one, create it! Find apps that link like-minded people together from around the world. I have personally used some of these apps and it's so much fun learning about other cultures and people. </p><p><br /></p><p>Be nice. That should go without saying, but for real you guys.... whether it's in person or online maybe skip the negative comments and leave positive ones. Sometimes I will see something that is just super rude or out there on the internet (no way, right?! lol) and I will begin typing my angry response with zero fucks to give about how it's coming across, but then I will ask myself if I would say that very same comment to the person's face. Usually, I admit to myself that I would probably either word it differently or just say nothing, so I choose to do that online, too. It takes a lot of practice and I'm not really great at wording things the best irl, but I'm trying. With that being said, be liberal with your kind words to others.Kindness costs nothing. Give others encouragement and recognition frequently. By building others up you will also feel a positive boost in your own mood.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>Learn or Do Something New:</b></p><p><b> </b></p><p>You might learn a new skill, language or instrument. Maybe you might decide to start a new fitness routine, or genre of books. You could foster animals or learn a new video game. Big or small, it doesn't matter. Changing up and expanding our lives and routines can lead to a greater sense of well being. </p><p><b> </b><br /></p><p><b>Self-care</b></p><p><b> </b></p><p>I know this phrase has been overused. I'm including it anyway, because self care is important. It's not always obvious, though. Self care can mean monitoring our own thoughts and behaviors and modifying the ones that have a perpetually negative outcome. That is hard, takes practice but necessary for happiness. Maybe you don't sleep enough, drink enough water, feel a certain down kinda way after talking to a specific friend. See how changing these influences and behaviors might contribute to a more positive mindset. </p><p> </p><p>How have you been coping lately? Have you ever tried any of these ideas, and if so how did they work for you? Let me know in the comment section. I am genuinely curious. <b> </b><br /></p>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-3459479315149780302020-09-08T00:19:00.000-05:002020-09-08T00:19:02.110-05:00Hello Again!<p> Well, hello! </p><p><br /></p><p>I bet most of you thought that maybe I'd given up blogging. I'd only made a few posts this year and haven't done so in something like four months, so I would see how people would think that.</p><p><br /></p><p>Truth is, I have thought about giving up blogging, due to a few different factors. One being that it doesn't seem to be very popular anymore, so when I <i>do </i>put in the effort to publish something it's often not read by very many people. The second reason is what I mostly wanted to talk about today. Chronic Illness. </p><p><br /></p><p>When I began blogging something like 15 years ago it was about autism, mainly about my two autistic kids. They have now almost grown up and like them I have grown, as well. Seems kinda weird to talk about their lives through a blog when they're 18 and 16. It's an invasion of their privacy as well as an unethical form of voyeurism, imo. I had thought about this awhile ago and began to scale back the amount of info I shared about them online in a public forum. Maybe I should never have been so open about their lives to begin with? I don't know. Probably not, but hindsight is 20/20. When we know better we can do better. The best any of us can do is adjust our behavior to the knowledge we continually seek, refusing to stay uninformed and ignorant about how we affect others and they affect us.</p><p><br /></p><p>Besides, the last ten years or so I have moved to speaking out about my own autism, and how I view the world through the unique being that I am. This took up quite a lot of the space in the blog, until I began to feel I had almost run out information to share on the topic. </p><p><br /></p><p>Then, I opened up the scope of focus to include introversion as well. As I aged and learned more about myself I felt that being an introvert has been a very large part of who I am, almost as much as the autism. I felt the need to further explore what being an introvert means to me and how it has impacted my life. I wanted to connect with a wider community than just the neurodiverse, so I changed the blog (and blog page on FB) to the current name, replacing Inner Aspie. I'd outgrown that name, that persona in a variety of ways, so I wanted the title of my writings to reflect that. In doing so I have been very lucky to connect with many new friends that I cherish. </p><p><br /></p><p>Now, I am including chronic illness as a focus, or a sub-focal point (?) to the blog. This isn't entirely a new topic on here. If you've been a long time reader you probably remember some posts speaking of migraines and such. It seems that I have found out the cause of my ever growing and ever changing physical maladies that have prevented me from being able to be as active as I'd like, including things like blogging. </p><p><br /></p><p>I'd been to my regular physician and a neurologist these last couple of years trying to find out what is causing my symptoms and what can be done. Tests and more tests have been run. Then after a very detailed lab panel had been run and come back fine my doctor told me I have <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/me-cfs/index.html" target="_blank">Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Myalgic Encephalomyelitis </a></p><p></p><p>I knew basically what that was, and wasn't happy to hear that diagnosis, at all. I felt my stomach sink as she told me there's not a lot that she can do for me. I left with a printout about ME feeling a bit defeated. </p><p> </p><p>I'm still learning about what it is and how it applies to me. Looking back over my life now I realize that I probably have suffered from this illness on and off to varying degrees since I was 15. I'm now trying to tease apart what has been depression and what has been just flat out exhaustion and malaise, for one. There's been a lot of assumptions I've made about myself and who that I am that I have to reevaluate now. It's been a very freeing process to understand myself through this lens, letting go of shame of who I thought I was and who I admonished myself for never being. </p><p> </p><p>I'd love to be able to express this whole journey through writing about it here, and I plan to as much as possible, but the amount possible is where the difficulty lies. Much of the time my head is so foggy and even thinking about putting together coherent sentences is beyond my reach. Still, it's my hope to be able to continue to blog here on the days the fog subsides and I have a tiny bit of energy to spare. This place here is a digital representation of my soul., safe and authentic. Thanks for visiting, friend!<br /></p><p></p><p><br /><br /></p>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-59736367596360178052020-04-19T01:18:00.000-05:002020-04-19T01:18:03.719-05:00Raising the Collective Well BeingI was having a conversation with an acquaintance last week about some topics that are usually politically divisive, and highly controversial. Most people think they know the answer and they have no shortage of opinions on these matters.<br />
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I am obviously not above this. I have ideas and opinions about social programs designed to help those less fortunate, just like anyone else. I can be quite passionate about those ideas and opinions, as well. Usually, though when I am speaking to someone in person I do a lot of listening, more than talking. I might interject a few questions, or thoughts, but mostly I listen. It's not often that I've ever heard the extreme opinions voiced in person as I have online. It's almost never, especially if the person speaking isn't sure what the listener's stance is. They will kind of dance around, and be more cautious with the generalized terms and blanket statements. That tells me that they know the difference between what they say when in their own company and what they know is true.<br />
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The internet has changed the way we communicate. It allows us instant connections to anyone and everyone all the time. It isn't the same as reading a newspaper article 30 years ago and thinking about how you might feel about it and then maybe, discussing it with a family member or acquaintance who, chances are is more aligned to your own culture and beliefs than not. We weren't faced with wildly opposing opinions and ideas on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. This was not necessarily a good thing. It was just the way it was. Exposure to other cultures and beliefs was minimal. Group think was also a tool for survival, because being a part of a social group meant having support. Even if you didn't agree with or like certain activities a person might still participate in order to remain intact to their immediate social group.<br />
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An example of that would be my late grandmother in law who told me that she used to attend coffee time with all the other ladies in their neighborhood as they gathered to watch soap operas. She abhorred soaps, but to turn down the invite would be rude. She'd be left out of the circle and being left out of the circle came with consequences. All the men in the neighborhood worked long days and sometimes weeks on oil rigs. There were long stretches of time that these ladies would be on their own, and sometimes without enough money to get by until their husbands returned. Camaraderie in this situation would prove to be in everyone's best interest. They would frequently get together to share food to make meals out of what could be be gathered from everyone's kitchen, as well as help each other with child minding, ect... My grandmother in law would proudly state that no one ever went hungry. They all came together to help each other in times of need. They saw the benefit of cooperation and the understanding that all is one and one is all.<br />
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I'm not about to say that I am in deep friendship and cooperation with my neighbors. I don't know any of them and they don't know me and we have always found that to be good enough. It's a shame, as I think about the way things were years ago and I wonder how that felt. So many of us are more connected than ever, but reporting to be more lonely than ever, too. I would never discount internet friendships, or the many wonderful ways social media has brought people together, and made positive differences for all of us. It's just that somehow I feel we are further away than we ever used to be from in person, supportive social circles that also have a positive impact on daily lives. As introverted as I am, I can't help but sometimes envy that closeness, that support, and that feeling of belonging that my grandmother in law must've felt sixty some years ago.<br />
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One thing that I do know is that the world needs more of that again. We need more of us to put aside our personal differences and work for the greater good of all. When the well being of individuals is raised, it raises the collective well being of all humans. When we support each other, have compassion with each other and genuinely care for others we make a positive impact on their overall feelings of self-worth and perceptions, which carries on to everyone they come into contact with. Maybe, they become better parents, who raise happier kids, who are going to become better, more compassionate people as adults than the last generation because of it. It's so easy to point out the wrongs everyone is doing, but it's so much harder to encourage and put ourselves out there to help without judgment, or expectation.<br />
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Something that I have been doing lately as an exercise of better, more empathetic communication is to not say rude things to people online that I wouldn't say to their face. I don't mean not being a troll. I mean, I stop and reread what I wrote before I press send as I imagine saying it out loud to the person I am replying to. If what I hear feels cringey, rude or just uselessly negative I reword it. If I would not say it to that person's face, I don't say it electronically, either. It's not about who deserves to hear what, or who is worse than the other. If what I have to say isn't pared down to what I would realistically be comfortable verbally speaking while looking at someone in real time I don't press send. I find a better way to express myself, or decline to comment. Not every comment box is for me to spew my two cents in. I'm okay just feeling irritated and moving on without sharing my thoughts with others, sometimes.<br />
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I'm guilty of judgment. I'm passionate and quite blunt. What I might say to a person's face is probably above what most would. Ha ha. Still, what is my fire worth if all I do is use it to burn others? My anger and feelings of social injustice will be all for not if all I do is scream at my supposed opponents. Tempering my emotions into workable action would be more beneficial to everyone and that is what I aspire to do; bring the frequency up, instead of contributing to pulling it down.Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-42998766365790920142020-03-19T02:13:00.000-05:002020-03-19T02:13:03.598-05:00Homeschooling Through the QuarantineAs I sit here on this unusually warm spring night with the window open in my sitting room and a candle flickering nearby I feel the air's heavy humidity as I type this. What I notice is how uncharacteristically quiet it is. The outside carries no noise through my open window. Not a car engine, or music from a neighbor working in their garage. Silence. Eerie, eerie silence.<br />
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I felt the same as I entered the grocery store last night and many aisles were empty. People shuffled by quickly, apologetically as they tried to fill their carts with what was left. Heaviness seemed to hang in the air. The few children I did see were sullen looking. Everyone seemed to be much more somber than usual.<br />
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I suspect that this feeling of panic, fear, and uncertainty will continue for some time into the future as the Covid19 virus keeps us all under orders of social distancing. Many people can't work. Others <i>have </i>to work more, harder and in the most exposed situations. Many states have closed school districts for at least a month. Ours is for the rest of the year. Leaving many parents to scramble for childcare and schooling for their children. <br />
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If you are one of the parents that are fretting over having your kids at home all day for weeks, or even months it's going to be okay. If you don't have any idea how to homeschool your children and feel a sense of urgency to begin right away, slow down. Hold on and get your bearings first.<br />
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I've homeschooled, unschooled and sent my kids to public school. There's more than one way to homeschool, for sure. There's tons of combinations that will, or can work for you and your child(ren).<br />
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We're all different. Some of us learn better with structure, some of us like to freestyle and others like some structure, but with independence. Kids are the same way. We have strengths and weaknesses and the strengths can really be capitalized during homeschooling, because of the flexibility towards individual needs. Just like we all find different types of jobs more interesting and doable, our kids find learning to be much the same way.<br />
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In the beginning most people that opt to homeschool (without being forced) often ease their way into it. I can't think of any better of a time than now that this would apply. Our world has been shook up a bit and so many things are uncertain to adults and kids alike. I would recommend starting off with a loose schooling schedule that is very basic and non-time consuming, especially<br />
<a name='more'></a> if your child is in elementary school. Kids below the age of 12 or so, are built to learn through play. They tend to have a natural curiosity about them that will drive them to learn about their environment through creative play. There are no credits to worry about, like one might be concerned about in high school. Lots of drawing, painting, sand, play dough, legos, and board games are great learning opportunities for this age group.<br />
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For older kids there are many resources online to find activities, such as science experiments, e-books and more. Baking is a wonderful activity for them to learn a variety of skills, including life skills. Following recipes incorporates math, reading, science as well as following directions. There is also many museums that are offering online tours that could complement history, or geography lessons.<br />
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These are all the hands on stuff that you can do, but there are also many, many sites online that offer learning programs for kids of all ages. ABC Mouse, and <a href="https://www.starfall.com/h/" target="_blank">Starfall</a> are two that come off the top of my head for elementary aged kids. My 16 yo profoundly autistic son adored Starfall when he was younger and it was so motivating for him and the site was so user friendly that he was able to learn to navigate it himself, which was an amazing feat for him at that time. They used it in school and we continued to use it with him at home when he wasn't at school. There are also heaps of apps that provide learning based games for kids.<br />
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If you have an older child, or just want to keep up with the same kind of work that your child would be doing if they were still in school there is a site called <a href="https://www.time4learning.com/" target="_blank">Time4Learning</a> that I used for my daughter when we homeschooled her for her junior year of high school. It was fantastic, but it's not free. She did ultimately do better in more structured online classes, but Time4Learning uses some of the same programs as online schooling does. It's everything you need, online and ready to go. The hardest part is getting the student engaged and willing. Self motivation is harder for some of us, than others. You will also have to be what is called "master of grades", though. That means that you'll need to use a rubric to figure grades from the assignment that your student has completed on the site. The program gives you the percentages of each assigment and you have to decide, or configure the grades from those percentages. There are different ways to do this, but the good news is that you can find the formulas online if you search for them and then choose which one to use. You can then apply the grades to your students transcript as they earn credits to graduate.<br />
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I am a very, very schedule based person. Everything in my house runs on a schedule and the routine is known by everyone in our household. Mealtimes, chore times, bath times and snack times are always the same. The snack time has veered a bit since most of my kids are pretty well adults now, but when they were little they knew when what was happening. I have found this to be essential in running a smooth household. If this isn't something that your household does, then I would highly recommend implementing a routine first and foremost.<br />
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Chores would be the second thing that needs to be put into place once you have figured out where the time slots will be for chores. I typically would make a list of certain chores that needed to be done and let my kids take turns picking out which ones they wanted to do. Sometimes I would need columns to choose from, because there were some chores that my oldest could do that my middle child wasn't ready for, but for the most part they got to choose how their chore chart would look. Each had four or five chores that ranged from daily tasks to weekly ones. Emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, cleaning the litter box, and more. I would pay 50 cents or whatever per star they had on their chart. some families don't like the idea of paying for chores. Do what works for your family. I would also switch up the chores twice a year or so. That way they don't get bored, stuck with a chore they hate, and so they learned how to do different things, because imo, at the end of the day these chores are about teaching them how to clean and care for themselves as adults, so they need these skills.<br />
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If your child is young, or if you simply just want to, your lesson plans can very much look like the chore charts I mentioned above. Leaning toward the philosophy of unschooling you could ask your kid(s) what things they would like to learn and go from there.Writing up a child-focused plan that includes subjects that they want to pursue is a good way to keep them involved, engaged and excited about learning.<br />
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Unfortunately, due to the need for social distancing at this time there won't be as many available activities as there usually is for homeschooling. Still, we can go out for walks, play in the yard at "recess time", and use Youtube for other exercise ideas.<br />
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I hope this post has helped if you were feeling apprehensive about educating your kids at home through this pandemic. It's a new situation for everyone, so be easy with yourself and others. We're all in this together and doing the best we can. Stay safe!Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-10575069210251722472019-10-21T11:50:00.000-05:002019-10-21T11:50:10.883-05:00Freestyle RambleIt's getting to be be the latter part of October. The leaves are beginning to fall quickly from the trees and the colors are changing from olive greens to yellows and some rusty reds. In Kansas it's not always predictable what type of fall you'll get. Sometimes it might get too cold too quickly causing the leaves to fall from the trees before turning many colors at all, or other times there can be spectacular bursts of cascading colors that lasts into November.<br />
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Much like our fall my physical health is this way, especially this time of the year. Unpredictable. A few years ago when the migraines began to take hold I noticed that in fall they would get noticeably worse more years than not. I am kind of waiting to see how this one pans out. So far not much of a change in the norm of how it's been. I was finally able to see a specialist, so maybe a solution, or at least an improvement in the severity is on the horizon? Fingers crossed.<br />
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Tomorrow is Bubby's <i>last</i> IEP meeting. Yes. Last. He will graduate high school in May. He will turn 18 in about 2 weeks.<br />
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I will let that sink in for a second for long time readers. 😂<br />
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There has been so many challenges for him throughout his time at school, but he has done so well in high school. Now we face the next step, which is employment, because he is not about secondary education. He has been doing some job training at school, but I think he needs more in different places. He would really like to work somewhere with animals.<br />
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Since I am just doing a freestyle, catch up blog, I'll update on Beans, too. He is about to turn 16 in a month. I still homeschool him. He goes to the school a couple times a week for speech therapy and he really like it. He still only uses a couple signs to communicate, but has done so well in learning to take us by the hand to lead us to what he wants. He used to never do this. I really feel like he is doing well and is generally a happy kid who loves his tablet and swing. (He has an indoor swing in his room.)<br />
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I wish that I had the time and energy to blog more often. I write entries all the time in my head that never make to the screen. I love writing and I love sharing with my autism and introvert community. I'm always thinking about you all and wanting to be more active, even when I'm not. Most days a meme or two posted will just have to do!Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-39565911876851061222019-08-11T16:23:00.000-05:002019-08-11T16:23:34.250-05:00Building HappinessAbout two weeks ago my family and I went on a four day vacation into the scenic mountains of Colorado and forests of New Mexico. It had been about 16 long years since we had taken a real vacation, which pretty much meant ever for the boys and only once for hubby and I.<br />
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We took long drives through the most curvy roads and gorgeous views. There was no itinerary and nowhere in particular to be. There were stops in overnight cabins in the woods, cafe lunches and parks to see, trails to walk if we came across some and wanted to peruse them at the time. It was quiet, peaceful and uncrowded. Just the way I like it.<br />
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We did stop to see some friends as we traveled. One of those friends was from my husband's childhood. We hadn't seen him in 22 years or more. He'd been staying with us and then left for Colorado, and that was that. Twenty-two years and now we're all gray. I'm not sure how that happened. It didn't feel like it was that long ago. One day I'm 18 and trying to get by and the next somehow I'm 40.<br />
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The in between years were not exactly filled with joy and peace. Those were years of struggling. Of course, don't get me wrong, there were happy moments, but there were also many of turmoil, pain and healing. So much confusion from my own perspective of not knowing I was autistic, and having such a dysfunctional family always interfering with everything I did. It was like a black cloud that followed me everywhere and sabotaged all that I did. I had to recognize and break free from that, which then required healing. My husband has had some similar issues.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TVkYzPY11A8/XVCGkaGiwKI/AAAAAAAABB8/ucsN37lnnmcxFm6sINh7nbikf3GfefAigCLcBGAs/s1600/67912484_10156973321663113_3176416400323379200_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="901" data-original-width="1080" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TVkYzPY11A8/XVCGkaGiwKI/AAAAAAAABB8/ucsN37lnnmcxFm6sINh7nbikf3GfefAigCLcBGAs/s320/67912484_10156973321663113_3176416400323379200_o.jpg" width="320" /></a>I am always looking for that extra piece of the puzzle, or clue on ways to be happier. How can I improve my life? Sometimes I'll get this small, little clue that will cross my path that will be too obscure to put into words. It will be more of a feeling or a gist than an action. Like one time I had to go to the hospital for a routine surgery and the way the staff interacted was a specific kind of way. I can't say it, or explain it, but I felt it and it was very positive and it clicked something inside of my brain that helped me to relate to others in that manner, too. I cannot explain it, but it changed my perception of life, and my attitude.<br />
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But, this is something a tad more explainable. Being away, in such beautiful scenery, and then that final click inside of my brain was when I saw a physical representation of time. My brain went, "Wait. Stop everything." I had to fully comprehend this. I just can't handle another 22 years in Kansas. Ugh. I don't like it here. I spent the first 35 years of my life struggling and healing from so much. Look how quickly time can go by. Can I stand another 22 in a place I don't like? What if we were able to enjoy that kind of nature all the time, or at least lived close enough to it to enjoy some of the time?<br />
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I don't know. It was an awakening to <i>something</i>. It was a whisper of an answer to that restless feeling <br />
<a name='more'></a>that I have had the last few years where I wonder what is missing. I had tried to find the answer in changing small habits and ways of thinking, but it's not any of those things. This was a stretch for something much bigger, and I couldn't identify it. This is my time. After this year the last child in public school will have graduated and there won't be any good reason to stay here. We can move where we'd like and start new. It's scary, but exciting to think about.<br />
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I've tried on a lot of different ways to be and looked in hundreds of places that could enhance my well being over the years. Some of those were definite misses. They were attempts to fill holes of insecurities and empty gestures never fulfill long term, no matter how much we try to dress them up as being healthy, wholesome, or spiritual even. Real intentions will catch up and we'll have to deal with them in the end. There's always a market for trendy practices labeled all those things and no shortage of gurus, teachers, sellers and customers, because we all want to feel good. We'll even lie to others and ourselves about how we feel when we partake in some of those activities that we claim work to avoid admitting that maybe we've been misled, or even worse, we don't know how to reset ourselves to feel better, happier and more content. What if we <i>never</i> find out? What if everyone else has it figured out, but us? Somehow I think most people feel the same way. Falling apart inside 5 times a day and secretly wondering what the hell is wrong with me, wondering how everyone else has it together and when I'm ever going to. Now, to be fair in the last couple of years I have not had as much the meltdown, anxiety upset I used to have, but more impatient angry upset, because people are rude or whatever.<br />
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Truth is, though... happiness is like building a brick wall to me. Some days we'll have more than we need and it's great, but other days we won't have any to build with. Still other days, tragedy will strike knocking down the wall and taking all the bricks leaving you to take over. It's normal. It's okay to not be building all the time. As a matter of fact, I saw a longstanding study the other day (sorry, didn't save it, so I can't link it) that spoke about overall happiness scores dipping in ones 20s and going back up again in the 40s. I'm not sure why that it tends to work that way, but overall for people in general it seems to. I think in our culture it's somewhat frowned upon to admit that you're not fully happy. It's almost look at as if you've failed, but that is just not the truth. I think life is just a journey with a wild ride of emotions. We need to do our own work of searching, trying on, learning, healing and living to find out what we need and who we are. Feel how you feel and never apologize, but always be accountable for looking to improve.Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-76052226787368605722019-05-03T23:51:00.001-05:002019-05-03T23:51:40.826-05:00Someone So UnimportantI've never been an overly friendly neighbor. I wouldn't say I am <i>not</i> friendly at all, just maybe not social? I'm not going to want to chat every time I see my neighbors outside when I step out, or maybe even wave if I'm in a hurry. Every now and then a chat is okay and if they need something I'm always happy to help others.<br />
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However, we have some new-ish neighbors to the side of us whom are elderly and quite social. If the lady catches you outside it's a chore to get away in less than 20 minutes. She seems pleasant on the surface, but often her words are finely woven with hidden snark covered with charm. It's an art some older women excel at, especially the further south you go.<br />
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My point is, I have spoken to her enough times to get a feel of her personality. I have heard her screaming orders and insults at her husband enough to get a picture of who she is. I know her daughter lives around the corner and doesn't visit often to get an idea of who she is.<br />
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So, the other day when I was talking to her and she asked about my day with Beans and I said I was just getting home from taking him to speech therapy. She asks, "Is he verbal at all?" I said no. "But, he goes to speech therapy. Okay" She replied kind of rolling her eyes.<br />
<a name='more'></a> I told her that he learns sign language. She realized that this does make sense, because she has a couple of disabled grandchildren that use sign language to communicate.<br />
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The exchange ends, eventually and I go inside. Nothing else happens. I'm only slightly annoyed and I don't even bring it up to my husband. As a matter of fact this happened a couple, maybe three weeks ago.<br />
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I just couldn't get upset over someone so unimportant. Her words were right in line with the character that I had seen her be. This was about her and not about my son or me. How could I take that personally? It wasn't. She showed me who she was and she was being that person. Maybe it's being raised in an environment with so many dysfunctional characters, but I can pick out toxic behavior patterns quickly, very quickly. Logically, I know these patterns are not about me and not to take them personally and not to get involved with them on a personal level.<br />
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I also think there's always been part of my ego that is immune to needing approval from others in certain ways. Like, I care if you think I am a bad person because of a specific reason, but I don't care if you don't like my style of clothes, parenting, speaking, ect... I always hope to keep the integrity of my character up, but other than that I do what I want.<br />
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Is this an introvert thing? An autistic thing? Both? I don't know. I suspect all of the above.Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-60474421180517126512019-02-18T07:40:00.001-06:002019-02-18T07:40:32.219-06:00Growing OlderAhhh... February. The tail end of winter. Where I live it tends to be the harshest, most wintry, winter time there is most years, all squished up into the smallest month. Sure we have some cold snaps November through April, but in terms of snow, ice, cold and viruses February most usually beats all other months in stats.<br />
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So, I am sitting here sipping lukewarm tea nursing my terrible head cold that seems to have taken hold of not just me, but my whole family. It's one that lingers, wandering away a tad one day only to come screaming back the next twice as bad as it was the day before. It's not following the usual schedule of a cold and I am starting to grow impatient and fatigued. Not just of my own health, but that of Beans who can't tell me what he needs, how he feels, and I don't think he fully understands it himself, so he gets really demanding and melty. He's also tired of the weather keeping him inside.<br />
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I think we can all agree that spring can't come soon enough.<br />
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One of the things that I have been doing with the few minutes of time between tending to Beans is going through this blog and deleting posts that aren't relevant any longer starting from way back when it began in 2011. I haven't made it very far yet, but it's certainly been an eye opening experience for me to see how my writing has changed. Not just how much my writing has changed, but how much I have matured and my perceptions of life has blossomed into something so much different than I had ever expected, or realized. In the last 8 years from the age of 32 to 40 I have become a different version of myself that is definitely an improvement. Not that we ever become a different person, because I think the nature of who we are really doesn't ever change, but we do improve, or I guess deteriorate (whichever the case may be) on how we coordinate that nature with the world, how we express it and live it.<br />
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My views were a lot more centered around a narrower concept of everything. It's kind of hard to explain, but it is almost like when I was younger I could only see 2/3 of every situation and now I am able to see more. Not that I was myopic, but that I hyper-focused in on parts of any situation in life and made it about whatever interest or idea that appealed to me, or that I knew about. The rest was kind of invisible to me. I definitely cared about others and did extend my thoughts beyond myself to them, so I would not call myself self-centered at all. Just single minded, maybe.<br />
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Another big difference I have noticed with this is how my views on autism and just the sense of what it means to me and others. I don't surround myself with the same culture of autism bloggers the way I used to and I also don't think about autism as much as I used to, either. Many of my past entries dealt with my children's autism in ways I'd never consider writing about them today. I am deleting posts like that and am quite embarrassed that they were ever written in the first place. I guess we all make mistakes as we raise children and that was one of mine.<br />
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There are some drawbacks to getting older. Some people may experience life in a different speed and variance, but for me I am finding this last couple years of my life to be getting easier and easier. Things just don't bother me like they used to. I'm more relaxed. I'm more able to take in life at a pace that feels more meaningful, rather than rushed, anxious and sometimes resentful. The world feels just as threatening, I suppose, but I feel like I can maybe manage it, though. Not that I don't have bad days and will certainly continue to write about mental health and autism advocacy. I just feel like my perception of myself has changed and with it the voice in which I narrate with has, too. It feels kind of cool, like an accomplishment of sorts, that I feel so much more emotionally balanced, like a piece shifted into place.<br />
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I'm still sifting and deleting posts, but soon enough I think this blog will be updated. I hope to be able to find a cool new layout, too. We'll see. Stay tuned!Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-7187606245577499272019-01-03T13:41:00.001-06:002019-01-03T13:42:45.203-06:00This Year's Theme: Acceptance I've never done well with new year's resolutions. I don't think I have ever even made a serious attempt to make any. I think a lot about it. I think a lot about a lot of things. I think thinking is probably my number one hobby if I am to be honest. Hahaha. But, I have never in my recollection, made resolutions on January 1st that require me to give up something, or change myself into something new for a new year. It's just not my style.<br />
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Goal setting, however... that is different. I know some people might see them as the same things with different names, but to me they are not. Resolutions are, within this context, something to rid of, or banish. It feels like it's almost a punishment. Like, I'm gonna somehow be different come January 1st. December 31st, cake and alcohol, but January 1st it's all kale and smoothies. "I'm getting serious in 2019", I hear people say. It's straight from one extreme to another, usually without a long term plan of sustainability. Just the end goal in mind. People usually know what they want, and they have a kind of clue how to achieve it short term, but not on hard days, or days when things aren't following the plan, or all kinds of other obstacles.<br />
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I do usually make some goals in January of every year. I try to make them realistic and flexible. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I like about how my life is going, what I don't like, and how I'd like it to be. How can I get from where it is to where I want it to be? What things, big and small, are in my way of living the best life I can be in my current circumstances? I'm not going to use patronizing words like "living my best life" and woo woo stuff like vision boards and whatever else those best sellers out there are using to try to get you to buy their books and other merchandise. I'm not about that. You can read my crappy advice for free. 😄 I do have health issues that I have no control over that have a serious effect on my life. I don't have the privilege to even try to pretend that I can just make a few different choices and poof away chronic pain and fatigue leading to me being on top of the world living my best life. I'm not going to positive think myself there.<br />
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I have to be realistic in my ventures, but that doesn't mean full on pity party. It just means not basing this year on being the year that I'm gonna find that doctor that's gonna help me feel better, or do anything at all about my physical condition. I can't control much of that, within reason, so I can only control my own resources.<br />
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I did make some progress on each of the goals that I made for myself in last year's <a href="https://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2018/01/happy-new-year-from-level-39.html#more" target="_blank">post.</a><br />
I would like to continue working on some of those goals, especially the goals of being more selective about who and what I give my time to. I get into such a habit of scrolling on my phone that I get lost in it before I realize it I have spent several minutes doing practically nothing, and when done several times a day, it really adds up. Part of that is really executive functioning issues, which is not fully under my control, so I need to be gentle with myself as I work toward finding better ways to work out repetitive energy that I have pent up. It is there and it serves a purpose inside of my stimmy autistic brain. Some days I will not be productive because my brain isn't going to be working very well and I need to be able to recognize those days and get done what is absolutely necessary and have a back up plan, even if that plan is play on fb for 2 hrs. Something that allows me to be who I am without shame or guilt, but is still planned for, so I don't fall into a cycle of bad habits without realizing what's happening unable to stop.<br />
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I really do want to write more and do more. Just more of everything that makes me happy, but that isn't always possible with health and other issues in my life right now, so I think I will my last goal as <i>acceptance</i>.<br />
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Learning to be okay with where I am and what I can do, even while admitting it's not my ideal. Leaning into what is here instead of pushing it away because I am so caught up about what isn't. Maybe today isn't going to be __________, but maybe I can still have it work out like _____________. Understanding that there is side roads that I can use and even if they're inconvenient, detours are okay.<br />
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I know when written that way it sounds poetic, but when lived it isn't. It's doesn't have the feel of poetic words when due to life circumstances you tidy a room and sweep it when it really needs dusted and mopped. It doesn't have the romantic feel of quaint detours on dusty roads on a warm day when you skip shower day, because you have no energy or time. So, make no mistake that this acceptance I speak about is not always going to feel good, or come easy. It's about finding new ways to do things and being okay with some things I'd never thought about. Creative and strong is better than frustrated and depressed.<br />
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What do you think about New Year's resolutions? Do you make them?<br />
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<br />Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-87758207681031628372018-10-22T00:31:00.001-05:002018-10-22T09:07:23.226-05:00Who is Turning Seventeen?!I know it's been a minute since I have blogged. It's been even longer since I've written a personal, from the heart, rambling post. Time always has a way of slipping by. I intend to get over here all the time to write about this or that, but something else always comes up.<br />
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I've noticed that blogging in this kind of sense isn't as popular anymore. Most people are using YouTube for this type of thing and reserving blogs for business. That has made me wonder if I should keep writing. I have thought about vlogging, but it's just not the same to me. I don't love being on camera. Speaking doesn't allow me the creative room that writing does. It does allow more available time, I would think, but that is likely the only positive I can think of for that platform. So, for now I will write as time allows.<br />
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This week is going to be busy with a lot of big things. I have IEP meetings for both of the boys, or should I say "young men"! Ha ha. They are both in high school now. I am still homeschooling Beans, but he still gets speech services through the school district.<br />
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Bubby is a junior now and his meeting will be highly focused on transitioning out of high school and into some kind of vocational school, or program. He has stood firm in that he doesn't want to attend anymore schooling after high school, so I guess maybe it will be a program? They do have several around here that he can get started doing soon. It's an exciting and anxious time for me. I feel so nervous about helping him to make decisions. It feels like the beginning of school again, I guess. I used to feel so intimidated by the school administrators and think that it all seemed so scary and permanent. I realized a couple years ago that it wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be, and that I had all kinds of options for schooling if one didn't work out. I was stressing too hard over nothing. Now I have that part figured out, here comes another new chapter that feels scary. Guess that's how it goes.<br />
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Bubby will also be turning 17 Friday! He was so little when I began this blog. I can't believe he's already going to be 17.<br />
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Of course it's fall again.<br />
<a name='more'></a>I really love the colors of the leaves as the trees prepare for winter. Here they are still turning. Sometimes we get a vibrant change in the next week and sometimes the leaves just kind of fall off from the dull golden green they are now. We'll see. I hope to get a few pictures. I haven't gotten any yet. I have thought about trying to take Beans for walks again. We haven't tried that for years (without dad to help), because he usually runs away from me and at this point he's much bigger than me, but we could give it a try. It would be nice to walk around and take pictures of all the fall colors.<br />
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Since I haven't gotten out to take any recent pictures of the fall landscape here is a picture of one of my Halloween decorations that I accidentally ran over this weekend. Hahahaha. <br />
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<br />Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-88450300639089513142018-08-27T13:35:00.001-05:002018-10-22T09:05:51.533-05:00Local Woman Knows Everything About Straws and Disabilities [SATIRE]Florida- Local resident Karen Smith cares about sea turtles and she wants you to, too. That's why she makes it a point to leave negative comments under any Facebook posts that discuss leniency when it comes to straw bans. She wants you to know that she is environmentally conscious at all costs.<br />
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"I mean, how can people be so selfish!" she exclaims as she stuffs Gogurt pouches and Lunchables into her kids' lunch bags. "Ever since I saw that one article about those poor, poor sea turtles I knew that I had to do something. I'm a busy mom, but we all have to sacrifice for the sake of them turtles," she says as she finishes her busy morning routine of wiping down the counter with disinfecting wipes.<br />
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When asked about considering the needs of the disabled population and their use of straws Karen wasn't hearing it. "I know disabled people! I have worked with them and my cousin is disabled. They don't have to have straws. If they do they can use a reusable straw that can be carried with them. It's not like they don't already have huge bags of items they carry with them anyway. What's one more small thing to carry? Maybe they can bring their own drink in a special cup that's washable? Or maybe they don't need to go to those places if they can't use them the way I do in a sea turtle friendly way. I feel like right now the biggest impact on the environment is disposable straws, and it's my job to make sure everyone I know knows I don't use them, or condone the use of them. I really feel like I am doing something important here. This is big work monitoring everyone like this. I don't want to hear their excuses. I already know everything I need to know."<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>This post is intended to be satire and not to be taken seriously. Please don't leave angry comments about how Karen is misguided. Of course she is, that's why I wrote a sarcastic article poking fun at her.</i></span>Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-77042416900206285112018-07-31T01:29:00.001-05:002018-07-31T01:32:25.868-05:00You Again? #DepressionDepression is such an interesting phenomenon, isn't it?<br />
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It has so many variables from person to person. There's not just one type, is there? No. There's literally hundreds that manifests in so many different ways within it's hosts. Some stays are for days, some are for weeks, months, or even decades. Some drag it's host to the ground and keep them there for long periods at a time, others are able to walk around, but with a feeling of a heavy burden weighing them down with each laborious step.<br />
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I do write a lot about depression. I suffer from my own type. I speak from my own experience from my own struggle with illness, because this is how I cope. Maybe your experience won't match mine at all. That's okay. With the unique way my brain is wired neurologically I have come to expect it likely won't. I'll write about it anyway, and possibly someone might see bits of themselves within these words and at least know they're not the only one experiencing them.<br />
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I guess maybe that was my way of discouraging negative comments from people who want to let me know that I don't know what real depression is, or whatever. I can only know what it is for me, and I certainly have been diagnosed with it <i>a lot </i>of times. Dysthymic Disorder, as a matter of fact, or I think it's called Persistent Depressive Disorder in the new DSM V. Sometimes, it turns into very, very bad deep depression, but that is rare. Most of the time it is vanilla, sad just kind of melancholy depression.<br />
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I am on a really good med that helps, so I don't have to live my life in dull lifeless dysthmia, but sometimes it comes through anyway. Some days I can feel heavier than others pulling me to the floor as I try to go about my day as usual. If you're someone that struggles with daily sadness, or what you identify as flat out depression I really do encourage you to seek out treatment from your doctor, at the least. If you need to see someone outside of your family doctor, then so be it, but at the least bring it up with whatever doctor you're comfortable with, so you can move forward in treating your depression and getting life back, because the difference is so night and day. Night. And. Day.<br />
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Anyway..... I think I got off track somewhere....I do take effective meds. They do help, but I am still going to have days. I can depression creeping around the corner when it sends thoughts through my head about what kind of person I am. Like, maybe I am not a good person? Who said I was? Did anyone? Example? (mind has crickets) No example anywhere. Huh. Maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I'm not a good mom, or friend, or wife? Maybe my existence is just a long painful vacuum of nothingness and I inflict nothing but negativity on those around me? What if I am just a failure?<br />
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Those thoughts and more like it will creep in one by one until I am demolished in character if I don't find a way to distract my mind. I know better than to waste my energy in fighting it. My brain does what it does. It's not some kind of personal failing that I have depression. I am not gonna positive think my way out of this, but I can negative think my way deeper. When people think that positive attitudes change depression I want to smack them, because that is just a new form of blaming people with mental health issues for their own illness. It's just not true. It's not my fault that my brain works this way and no one is gonna tell me different. So yoga Sally can kiss my butt with all her new age just look at the bright side and you'll be happy healing. Nope. Nope. Nope.<br />
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So, I feel it starting and where it ends no one knows. Is this going to be a three day trip, or a month long journey? I'm obviously hoping for the trip.The little melancholy tour that's going nowhere in no time. I can deal with the little inconvenience of that. Not that I have a choice either way. I don't.<br />
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<i>If you'd like to read more about my thoughts on depression click the depression tag under the post.</i> Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-66022615836062434752018-07-24T01:07:00.001-05:002018-07-31T01:33:12.918-05:00Why Hobbies are ValuableI like to write.<br />
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If I could I'd write everyday. I do inside my head. I compose blog entries and think up ideas for books I'll never write all day long. I wash the dishes, and vacuum the floors to stories untold that flash inside of my mind's eye disappearing before I can gather my thoughts into buckets of coherence in order to pour them out onto pages to share with others. It's not the collecting, but the holding that is the problem. As the daily tasks tick by the buckets leak my ideas, and by the time I slide into place before my computer screen the blinking cursor is taunting me. Blink.....Blink....Blink..... A blank screen awaits my words, but I only remember quarter entries and half ideas. When I try to put them back together again it's like trying to put a puzzle together starting from the middle. It's difficult and I often can't find the words, so I end up moving onto to something else, usually going to bed.<br />
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So, many, or maybe I should say most days I don't write anything. I don't necessarily like it this way, and I always think I'll do better the next day, and then I don't. I simply don't have time in the daily schedule to stop and write every time inspiration strikes, or a quiet moment to concentrate even if I did get a moment of downtime. Then I question how much it matters. How much does blogging really matter in the grand scheme of anything, really? I mean, I don't get paid to write. It's just something I like to do that is like a hobby for me and let's me connect with others. (And, no this isn't a solicitation for a paid blogging position, because there's always a catch in there where have to sell something that I feel will make me come across as less than genuine to my readers, so I'm not interested in that sort if thing.) Do these words matter that I am typing right now? Are there better, more productive ways to spend my time than this?<br />
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I guess there really isn't any solid answers to any of those questions, because they are a matter of perception. Maybe for some it does seem like a waste of my time to put so much effort into something I will likely never see any monetary gain from. I don't find that everything valuable in life can be measured by monetary value, though. Well being has a heavy value in my life, which carries with it many different facets. Mental health is a huge chunk of that. When I speak of feeling well I can be referring to many different feelings, both on a physical level and on a more emotional level.<br />
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When I think about the things that in my day that make me feel good, writing is undeniably one of them. It is, as I have described at the beginning of this entry, an ongoing focal point of my day. Writing motivates, energizes and makes me feel accomplished. It is like taking an essence of who I am and tucking away small bits and pieces away in disconnected passages to be found by readers.<br />
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More than that, though.....This isn't just about me. I'm not the only one who has a zest for something that doesn't seem worthwhile to others, but feels like everything to the person who does the hobby. I think many people do. Sadly, I feel that there's almost a discouragement in our society of allowing others to simply enjoy themselves doing something for leisure that they love to do without question. Unless you're someone of a certain age, and financial standing your free time will be unfortunately questioned by others, even yourself, because you've been culturally programmed to think this way. "Am I productive enough? Shouldn't I be doing something else right now? I should really be working on...." Those are all thoughts most of us think when we try to relax and have some down time to engage in activities that we love to do.<br />
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It doesn't have to be that way, though. We are in charge of how we spend our time. We decide how to perceive the passage of time, and the quality of our endeavors.<br />
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I spoke earlier about how well being is a big part of my life. At least it is a big part of the quality of my life. I do have chronic illness. There's no doubt that my physical body can wreak havoc on my day to day life and how I feel on a physical plain. No doubt, whatsoever, and no amount of positive thinking is gonna turn that around. Also a fact.<br />
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However, I also know that my emotional and mental well being is just as important as physical well being, if not more so. We have to nourish the parts of us that keep us going when times are bleak. Everyone has at least one thing they like to do, or are good at that lights a creative fire inside their soul and lets the world see it burn behind their eyes. I do. You do. It's human nature.We all might not be able to turn our best skills, or favorite things to do into a job, but that doesn't make it not worth our time. Not everything that is valuable in the world is marketable.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K2vLiot-DTw/W1bEBzLpFFI/AAAAAAAAA80/GWfQRZuMqvUP9pAq1iTQLSNc0_E0npp_QCLcBGAs/s1600/37802804_10156100057923113_785829563191001088_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1015" data-original-width="1076" height="301" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K2vLiot-DTw/W1bEBzLpFFI/AAAAAAAAA80/GWfQRZuMqvUP9pAq1iTQLSNc0_E0npp_QCLcBGAs/s320/37802804_10156100057923113_785829563191001088_o.jpg" width="320" /></a>It's valuable to me to make the time to write because it increases my feelings of well being and purpose. That's a solid feeling of content and feeling at ease with myself that I can carry with me. There isn't anything else that can substitute that stability. Nothing. There have been so many times in my life that I have thought that I will feel better once I get ____________ or we get past _________ situation. These goals came and went, some small and some big, but I am here to tell you that I did not feel any different after any changes in circumstances that were on the outside of myself. Even situations where the needs were severe or the change was great I don't recall any lasting feeling of positive overall well being the way I had envisioned there would be. Circumstances changed and eventually all the same feelings came back as they were before. Without changing <i>my</i> perspective and my behavior I was static as the world moved around me. It's been one of the hardest lessons as an adult to learn. I think a lot of people never learn it. They're always chasing after something to make themselves feel better, until they don't, and then it's time to chase again.<br />
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What's your passion? What nourishes your well being and makes you feel whole? <br />
<br />Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-60387719835449996942018-07-10T23:04:00.001-05:002018-07-10T23:15:43.883-05:00What If-ing Autistic KidsIf you're a person that has ever gone into therapy for any kind of anxiety issues you know at least a little bit about what catastrophizing is. If not, it's basically taking a worse case scenario of in an imagined situation, and running with it. The foundation for the situation may be real. Something like maybe your boss emailed wanting to see you in their office this afternoon. But if you have anxiety issues you might then begin to "just know" they're going to reprimand you, fire you, yell at you about last week's performance, and so on.... That would be catastrophizing. It's actually fairly common among most people, I would think, and most of us can probably get this kind of irrational thinking under control before it interrupts our lives to a serious degree. We recognize that we're worrying over something we can't control, and from such a negative point of view that it's a piss poor time to spend our emotional energy, so we redirect our thoughts, and continue on with our day. Unless, of course, one cannot, then maybe we might decide to see a professional to help us learn to do so.<br />
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But what happens when we encounter catastrophizing coming from others around us? What if, instead of this being unhealthy it's actually considered the norm in certain environments? Would you recognize it for what it is? Or would you go with the social convention that has taken place in this circle of people? What would you think about an environment that not only encouraged, but saw no other way but to plan for the absolute worst case scenario?<br />
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Let me then introduce you to what it is like to be a parent of an autistic child.<br />
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Here's some of the things I have been told about my own kids as they've grown up over the years.<br />
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* He <i>has </i>to learn to use PECs first. If the (fill in the blank for whatever device) breaks he will have no back up voice!<br />
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* If he doesn't learn this now, he won't be able to keep a job as an adult.<br />
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* If he doesn't use standard sign language other people won't be able to communicate with him.<br />
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*If he isn't potty trained [ insert so many disastrous situations in here]<br />
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* If we let him have this one accommodation he will want to get out of all his work.<br />
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That is only a very small sampling of a few things I have heard that I can recall at the moment, but I assure you that there has been so many more. Now that My oldest son is 16 and the youngest is 14, and homeschooled the frequency that I find myself running into these types of comments is becoming almost rare. I think it's happened so frequently that I sometimes find myself repeating the pattern myself unknowingly. It's such a standard application of teaching autistic kids that it's not even second guessed by most people. It's just a given that we approach them from very young ages in a way that ensures we mold them into what would the worst case scenario of their life as an adult look like? Prepare for that. Teachers will ask you, as a parent what you expect of your child[ren] as adults. What do you think their adulthood will look like? I have never been able to properly answer this question. I just can't. I don't think about that kind of thing when my kids are in 3rd grade. Who does? I can't prepare them for adulthood when they are 10 years old. They are still children. I don't know if they'll have a job, what kind of job, get married, drive, have kids, live alone, go grocery shopping alone, ect... ect.... Those aren't my decisions. It's not my life. I can only raise the child that I have in front of me, and follow their lead. The IEP team would feel frustrated with my failure to participate in their goal making process.<br />
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It was such an odd process, too. If we want him to be employable he will need to learn how to sort things, and be compliant. That is why he has this or that goal in his IEP. He hates it, and would probably hate that job, but that is the logic behind that what if goal.<br />
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If he lives in a group home.... If something happens and he won't have you to care for him... If.... If..... If.....<br />
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These "what ifs" are used a lot by staff to write goals for autistic kids to justify a lot of circumstances that are really plain cruel. The adults in their life don't see it that way, because it's just the way things are done. No one seems to think about how it feels from the autistic perspective.<br />
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What if the child can't understand PECs, but uses a device with easily? Why would a teacher want to deny that method if that's the one that makes sense to the child? <br />
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What if the child doesn't have the motor skills to use standard sign, but can learn a few made up signs to communicate with family and caregivers? Is a little communication better than none?<br />
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What if none of the bad things predicted happen, and by following the lead of what the autistic child needs to feel comfortable, safe, and well regulated the child grows into a happy, successful adult in whatever terms that means to them?<br />
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I mean, yes.... bad things can and do happen. We need to be aware of those things. We need to be able to plan for them, but to deny autistic people the full experience of their lives in the name of preparing them for the worst is a little bit cruel, imo, and a lot unnecessary. <br />
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<br />Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-77575777433678649452018-06-25T01:07:00.000-05:002018-07-10T23:15:10.595-05:00Altering My Time SpentI've never been much of a T.V. watcher. I do like a few shows, but in my spare moments as brief as they come and go, I like to <i>do</i> rather than just be. This can mean a variety of activities, but what it isn't is me sitting idle for very long. I literally can't. So, it goes without saying I'm not a Netflix binger.<br />
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Yet, I often find myself wasting my time idling away the minutes, because I only have maybe 10 here or 5 there to spare. Not enough to begin a new project, but I will need to do a new thing or be a new place in a few minutes. It's a constant low level of frustration for me, to be honest. I am a project planner and finisher, well inside my head I am. In reality I am a frayed mother, a caregiver with chronic illness who is often burning the candle at both ends, but trying to learn to only burn it at one, even if it's a hard process to learn. It goes against the mindset of my constantly busy goal setting brain. My perfectionist self would have me living in a white glove house, perfect manicure, never missing a workout, volunteering for charities, and more. I don't know who that person is, but I make a to-do list for her every day. Hahaha.<br />
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I'm finding these few minute gaps in my day to be the most challenging to fill, as odd as it seems. I used to really enjoy spending a few minutes here and there throughout the day checking in on social media. I'd pop in, chat with friends, post a little and be on my way. Now it's a litany of angry political posts, and clickbait articles with mean comments underneath. So, I scroll and I scroll hoping to find<br />
<a name='more'></a>some kind of human connection, but 7 times out of 10 there isn't much of anything personal to be seen. Social media has kinda morphed into an impersonal algorithm of ads and shared political graphics that are half true at best. For me it's become less enjoyable than it used to be, so I need to look for a new way to not only fill those time gaps in my day, but also to find that social connection. Because, yeah.... online is most of my social world outside of my husband, kids and those that associate with them. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with less that that at times, too.<br />
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I think a good place to begin for me would be making a list ( I like making lists!) of as many activities or projects that I can think of that I like to do , or might enjoy and work my way through them. As I try out new things, hopefully my time will shift from negative scrolling of social media, and my frustration level will decrease. I also think that the scrolling is partly due to executive functioning issues. Once I start doing it I do have a hard time stopping, even if I am not wanting to continue, which <i>also </i>frustrates me a lot. I need to find something that I find enjoyable that is doable with small amounts of time to be picked up, and left off. Something that is for me.<br />
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After some trial and error I will try to remember to come back here for a part two to let you all know how it goes, and what worked, and what didn't.<br />
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Do you have any similar issues? What has worked for you?Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8053855593846713089.post-69956654710605320972018-06-10T00:30:00.000-05:002018-07-10T23:13:47.373-05:00The Only Way Out is Through In my <a href="https://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2018/05/experiencing-shift-in-perception.html" target="_blank">last post</a> I talked about migraines, and perceiving life differently. That was about two weeks ago now. In the interim I did see the doctor who has referred me to a neurologist, but as many of us know.... this can take a minute. In the meantime, she wanted to see how I would do on a medication that I have tried before, but possibly this time at a higher dose.<br />
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The answer is groggy, irritable and nauseated. Ugh.<br />
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Though, I am holding out hope that these side effects might let up a bit after some time passes as often happens with medications. It's too early to know yet if it's helping or not, but it does seem to be at least a little. With the increasing frequency of migraines along with the level of interruption it's bringing to my life even a little relief is welcome.<br />
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As I also mentioned in the last post, I am also working toward greater well being and mental health in general. In particular, taking more responsibility for my own well being by being more honest with myself on how effectively I am approaching daunting tasks in my life. As I set out to do this, to apply the ideas I spoke about in the last post I realized something big.<br />
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It was hard.<br />
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Yeah, I know Captain Obvious, right? Of course making changes to one's behavior is hard. But no, I mean it was <i>hard</i>.<br />
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I felt like I should work up to the big steps. I should be able to do the small things, and then I will feel comfortable in letting go of the bigger, more compulsive behaviors that weigh me down. Except that wasn't how it ever worked. I've been working on the small steps my whole life. It's not that I'm lazy. It's not that I adore my anxiety, or negative coping strategies, so I keep them around for good company.I've been working on alleviating these issues my whole life with fierce dedication. I would always get to a point to where I would get stuck, and then feel as if I couldn't move forward, so I'd inevitably slide backward. The cycle of starting again and ending in failure wore my sense of worth down. I felt like I was smart and capable, yet I could not conquer these maladaptive behaviors that interfered so much with the quality of my life.<br />
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I wanted the change, but didn't want the discomfort that comes with it. Unfortunately, that isn't how authentic transformations happen. It's kinda like when I quit smoking. I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit badly, but I also wanted to avoid the horrid withdrawals that always accompanied any attempt I made at quitting. So, I would try to work my way around it. I mean, this is what humans do. We seek out ways to be comfortable, whether we're aware of it, or not. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I wasn't doing it right? Maybe as I tapered the amount of cigarettes down over a period of time it will become easier? That is what I would convince myself, except it was the opposite of the truth. The less nicotine I took in, the more physical withdrawal I would have, and the more I would become obsessed with the very thing I wanted to get away from. If I had one I may as well have 20 as far as addiction is concerned.<br />
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The only way out was through it. There was no shortcuts.<br />
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So, when I have a compulsive thought, there is no small exception here to bend a rule. When I want to nullify my anxiety with x bad habit over here there can't be just once or any of these old patterns that I've been tirelessly fighting my whole life, making excuses that I need things this way because, have to do this because.... There is no other reason other than because it's easier to use those behaviors rather than to face the fear and discomfort of not making those choices.<br />
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I do want to be clear that it's not because I consciously <i>choose </i>to make "bad" choices, or that anyone else does who battles with OCD type issues, and anxieties does so, either. No one chooses to have this level of anxiety. To even try to alleviate it takes courage. It's a hard journey for everyone who experiences this kind of brain torment. Often we find that even when we do find treatment that works it will not always work forever, so if you're reading this on behalf of a loved one who struggles with this be aware of how tremendously difficult it can be.<br />
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I'm blindly leaping forward into what feels like an abyss of the unknown. No more small feeble attempts that land me back where I was in short order. I do have a great support network, and that is something I'm very thankful for.Quiet Contemplationhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14667867394641955283noreply@blogger.com2