Here this last couple of weeks my household has been nonstop busy. From more than one of us being at the ER, to gas lines being broken in our backyard, to planning for my daughter's wedding coming this Saturday, then some. There's always a time sensitive situation brewing just under the surface of my every day.
For an extremely introverted, autistic person such as myself this is a bittersweet recipe for disaster.
On one hand, it's fun to do things with loved ones, like attend festivals, and getting together for dinners. Weddings are lovely events designed to celebrate the union of those we love. These are the things that make memories, and bind us together as we share in fun times together.
On the other hand, these events always have a falling out with me, unless they are extremely spaced out from each other. With every social interaction, and extra errand I leave me house to complete I feel a little bit more of my energy drain away. It's the times in my life that I love to hate.
I don't know what to call it, maybe shutdown? Not quite a meltdown, I don't think, but a couple days ago after I woke up preparing for yet another day of errands, and social activities in the evening my brain just spilled over. The overwhelm left me stuck in neutral on the outside as I felt myself sink on the inside into a sea of anxiety, and urgency to escape myself. Every noise was deafening, and I gulped for air as I searched for a bubble of silence. At first I rebelled against these feelings. I began to question my own mind. What happened? The immediate answer was nothing. I just felt assaulted by overwhelm causing my environment to feel as if it was attacking me. Thankfully, my husband asked if I needed to rest, and I accepted his offer. I rescinded into my dark bedroom with a tiny bedside lamp, and cocoon of weighted blankets, doing nothing for a bit until I fell into a small nap.
Ahhhh... Recovery.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, September 18, 2017
Thursday, October 3, 2013
The Next Chapter- #autism and #injustice
If you're unfamiliar with the entire story you can get up to speed here and here .
I'm sitting in a blissfully quiet house sipping coffee, contemplating my day, my week, and what to do next after a devastating outcome to what appears to be the final meeting with Bean's special ed provider at school.
I was not able to persuade them to allow Beans to go to another school. They stated it violates Least Restrictive Environment, due to the other structured learning room being further away than the one he was attending. I know that there will be 20 comments about how I can fight that, but their wording, and their reasoning doesn't have to make sense. I had 2 of the best advocates in my entire state helping me through this. If there was a way to fight effectively against our special ed coop they would have done so. If there was words to use, and ways to fight that wouldn't be wasting my time, and money they'd have jumped on that opportunity. The fact is, our local special ed coop is run pretty much like our government. We all know they're not doing things right by the people, but there isn't much we can do. We can take it to the courts, where their friends, and acquaintances work, and there is rarely ever a judgment in the parent's favor. Government agencies rarely like to step on the toes of other agencies.
With that being said, I am of course going to go forth with reporting the misconduct of the whole situation to
I'm sitting in a blissfully quiet house sipping coffee, contemplating my day, my week, and what to do next after a devastating outcome to what appears to be the final meeting with Bean's special ed provider at school.
I was not able to persuade them to allow Beans to go to another school. They stated it violates Least Restrictive Environment, due to the other structured learning room being further away than the one he was attending. I know that there will be 20 comments about how I can fight that, but their wording, and their reasoning doesn't have to make sense. I had 2 of the best advocates in my entire state helping me through this. If there was a way to fight effectively against our special ed coop they would have done so. If there was words to use, and ways to fight that wouldn't be wasting my time, and money they'd have jumped on that opportunity. The fact is, our local special ed coop is run pretty much like our government. We all know they're not doing things right by the people, but there isn't much we can do. We can take it to the courts, where their friends, and acquaintances work, and there is rarely ever a judgment in the parent's favor. Government agencies rarely like to step on the toes of other agencies.
With that being said, I am of course going to go forth with reporting the misconduct of the whole situation to
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Learning To Float In A Sea Of Chaos
The other day I shared this photo on my page:
I found it on FB and thought, oh... this is me. This is a perfect example of where I am in my life. Not that I am this martyr that just gives to all and gets nothing. I don't really view my life that way. I don't feel that I take on more than my fair share. I do think that I sometimes have more on my plate than I can swallow at once and that is an issue, because it's as if I keep putting more and more back into the fridge for the next day, but the leftovers never get quite gone. Sometimes, I clean out my fridge and am happy for that feeling of things being pretty taken care of for a bit. But, then there's the other times. The times like now, where every morning I open my fridge and I see leftovers from 3 weeks ago that I needed to take care of, but I didn't. They're still there, rearranged and prioritized. I am feeling overwhelmed. I need to answer emails, and blog replies. I have important phone calls to make and errands to run. I have conferences to attend and volunteer work that I don't know why I sign up for, but I do. (Okay, I do know why, because I sometimes want to give back and do something more than just dishes and laundry.) I have an IEP coming that I need to prep for and more than one child with issues that needs my attention at school. I can only do so much in one day. I only have so much time and energy. This week my fridge is overflowing with leftovers.
Just while writing this I had to get up and chase our new dog (who I am also training) down the alley, because he found a week spot in our fence (that I totally told my husband about, but he insisted it was fine) and had to stop writing to answer texts from Bean's teacher. My husband and I are in a stalemate, because he doesn't agree with the way I want to train the dog. So, there's a lot of tension there. I am bossy. I am controlling. I am working on not being so much so, but it is in my nature to know what needs to be done and do it. Part of that is working on letting someone else take care of the leftovers,sometimes. Even if they don't do it my way. Even if things don't all get done. I know this is life. I know I will be here again and again. I will get much of these tasks done and then after a short resting time, things will get hectic again. Life has a way of being this way, especially when you have special needs kids to tend to. I sometimes run out of steam, but I always get it done. I know that I do. It's hard to remember when I am in the middle of it all drowning that I will sink faster if I flail around fighting. I have to remember to stay calm and float naturally. Not easy when it all seems so urgent. I have to remember to stop perseverating on what I'm not getting done and think about what I did. The first will bring me to a standstill, while the other will help me see what I accomplish. It's hard to have a good perspective sometimes, but worth it, emotionally.
All in all I think I am doing good with being calm and looking to the bright side. A vast improvement from where I was even a year ago. I am still drowning in it, but I am able to be calm, delegate, and prioritize. as well as not feel like a failure when I can't meet every deadline or commitment.
Just while writing this I had to get up and chase our new dog (who I am also training) down the alley, because he found a week spot in our fence (that I totally told my husband about, but he insisted it was fine) and had to stop writing to answer texts from Bean's teacher. My husband and I are in a stalemate, because he doesn't agree with the way I want to train the dog. So, there's a lot of tension there. I am bossy. I am controlling. I am working on not being so much so, but it is in my nature to know what needs to be done and do it. Part of that is working on letting someone else take care of the leftovers,sometimes. Even if they don't do it my way. Even if things don't all get done. I know this is life. I know I will be here again and again. I will get much of these tasks done and then after a short resting time, things will get hectic again. Life has a way of being this way, especially when you have special needs kids to tend to. I sometimes run out of steam, but I always get it done. I know that I do. It's hard to remember when I am in the middle of it all drowning that I will sink faster if I flail around fighting. I have to remember to stay calm and float naturally. Not easy when it all seems so urgent. I have to remember to stop perseverating on what I'm not getting done and think about what I did. The first will bring me to a standstill, while the other will help me see what I accomplish. It's hard to have a good perspective sometimes, but worth it, emotionally.
All in all I think I am doing good with being calm and looking to the bright side. A vast improvement from where I was even a year ago. I am still drowning in it, but I am able to be calm, delegate, and prioritize. as well as not feel like a failure when I can't meet every deadline or commitment.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking
The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure. You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time? That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.
I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget. It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful. Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples. I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier. There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.
I'm thinking that I might write them down. Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page? Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see? The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me. That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.
For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance. So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat. The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions? I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too. I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live? Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No. I don't value being depressed and sad. I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties. I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?: I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks. I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be. I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.
Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts. In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise. The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with. The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.
Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day. This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now. I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair. I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.
I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget. It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful. Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples. I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier. There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.
I'm thinking that I might write them down. Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page? Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see? The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me. That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.
For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance. So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat. The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions? I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too. I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live? Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No. I don't value being depressed and sad. I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties. I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?: I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks. I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be. I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.
Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts. In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise. The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with. The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.
Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day. This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now. I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair. I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Pre-meltdown
Some may be wondering about where the video I posted earlier went. I felt self conscious about it and took it down. It happened again. It's still happening right now, as a matter of fact....
By it I mean frustrations leading to meltdown status. I'm not yet in a meltdown, but I could so easily slip right into one, as it's close enough to taste right now. It's that sensation of nothing be right. How wrong it all feels. My head is hurting, my stomach is in knots, and nothing feels right. My skin recoils from every texture, my ears feel no respite from every noise that seems to be all on max volume. I want to run away, but have someone hug me. I want t be left alone, but talk to someone. These are my contradictions of meltdown. Rational thought is still present, but contained in a bubble by itself, while emotional fretting is surrounding it. I know this is nonsensical, but it's like I can't stop it.
I don't even know when and where it began. I know I read a few things this morning that didn't sit well with me, so I tried to explain my side. I was unable to do it satisfactory, at least in a way to persuade others that my view had merit. It snowballed from here. It has been one of those days where everything on-line that I tried to participate in went this way. I think a normal person would have decided it was time to pack it up for the day several hours ago and busy themselves somewhere else. Not me. I'm not normal. I perseverate, and I do so with vigor. These last few days I've seen a lot of ugliness in the autism community (both from NTs and autistics). I've seen a lot of irrational behavior and assumptions that make no sense and do not fit fact. This is not merely my view on life, but real facts. One person's fact can easily be seen as opinion from another perspective... which I know rationally. But, my brain can't wrap itself around such a broad concept. My brain says, it's either one or the other. It's black or it's white. I can't. move. on. I'm stuck in this pool of frustration. This frustration leads itself to criticism. I begin to fear that maybe it's me that's wrong. My thoughts circle around this idea like this:
Maybe that person doesn't like me anymore.
I'll bet they think I'm stupid.
I probably shouldn't post/say this.
I'll bet they think I'm crazy.
I am not successful.
I don't do anything right.
People in general don't like me.
I'm not a likable person.
Maybe I ought to find something else to do with my time.
No one will miss my blog/page anyway.
They all would rather me be quiet anyway.
I have nothing to offer of value.
Maybe, I'm not autistic.
Maybe there's something really wrong with me.
Why can't I stop from feeling so bad?
Maybe, I should delete this.
Maybe, I should delete my whole blog.
Why do I waste so much time?
I'll bet my husband is going to come home and just know I wasted my whole day on perseverating over something that is really minor.
He'll be disappointed.
I'll bet everyone is in me.
Why do I let everything bother me so much?
Why do I let my thoughts get so negative?
I wish I had someone to talk to that would understand.
I wish that I could talk to someone without feeling judged.
I wish I didn't feel like such a freak.
Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow has to be better.
This is embarrassing.
That is the making of pre-meltdown. Actual meltdown would have had lots more cussing, and my anger eventually spewing the other way to others, where I would have deleted my page, blog, or at least some people. I did go 'unlike' some pages, but I didn't do anything big. Remembering my mantra:
"Don't do anything permanently stupid, because you're temporarily upset. " I figure if I can hold off on any actions for a few hours, then if I still feel the same, the action can be carried out then.
So far, I'm a little calmer....
By it I mean frustrations leading to meltdown status. I'm not yet in a meltdown, but I could so easily slip right into one, as it's close enough to taste right now. It's that sensation of nothing be right. How wrong it all feels. My head is hurting, my stomach is in knots, and nothing feels right. My skin recoils from every texture, my ears feel no respite from every noise that seems to be all on max volume. I want to run away, but have someone hug me. I want t be left alone, but talk to someone. These are my contradictions of meltdown. Rational thought is still present, but contained in a bubble by itself, while emotional fretting is surrounding it. I know this is nonsensical, but it's like I can't stop it.
I don't even know when and where it began. I know I read a few things this morning that didn't sit well with me, so I tried to explain my side. I was unable to do it satisfactory, at least in a way to persuade others that my view had merit. It snowballed from here. It has been one of those days where everything on-line that I tried to participate in went this way. I think a normal person would have decided it was time to pack it up for the day several hours ago and busy themselves somewhere else. Not me. I'm not normal. I perseverate, and I do so with vigor. These last few days I've seen a lot of ugliness in the autism community (both from NTs and autistics). I've seen a lot of irrational behavior and assumptions that make no sense and do not fit fact. This is not merely my view on life, but real facts. One person's fact can easily be seen as opinion from another perspective... which I know rationally. But, my brain can't wrap itself around such a broad concept. My brain says, it's either one or the other. It's black or it's white. I can't. move. on. I'm stuck in this pool of frustration. This frustration leads itself to criticism. I begin to fear that maybe it's me that's wrong. My thoughts circle around this idea like this:
Maybe that person doesn't like me anymore.
I'll bet they think I'm stupid.
I probably shouldn't post/say this.
I'll bet they think I'm crazy.
I am not successful.
I don't do anything right.
People in general don't like me.
I'm not a likable person.
Maybe I ought to find something else to do with my time.
No one will miss my blog/page anyway.
They all would rather me be quiet anyway.
I have nothing to offer of value.
Maybe, I'm not autistic.
Maybe there's something really wrong with me.
Why can't I stop from feeling so bad?
Maybe, I should delete this.
Maybe, I should delete my whole blog.
Why do I waste so much time?
I'll bet my husband is going to come home and just know I wasted my whole day on perseverating over something that is really minor.
He'll be disappointed.
I'll bet everyone is in me.
Why do I let everything bother me so much?
Why do I let my thoughts get so negative?
I wish I had someone to talk to that would understand.
I wish that I could talk to someone without feeling judged.
I wish I didn't feel like such a freak.
Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow has to be better.
This is embarrassing.
That is the making of pre-meltdown. Actual meltdown would have had lots more cussing, and my anger eventually spewing the other way to others, where I would have deleted my page, blog, or at least some people. I did go 'unlike' some pages, but I didn't do anything big. Remembering my mantra:
"Don't do anything permanently stupid, because you're temporarily upset. " I figure if I can hold off on any actions for a few hours, then if I still feel the same, the action can be carried out then.
So far, I'm a little calmer....
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Coping Skills and Stress
I read an article about How autism parents have stress that's comparable to that of combat soldiers a couple months ago. At that time, I was upset and in disagreement with the sentiment the article stated. This was before Bean's jaunt about town the other night. Since then, my attention has become centered around safety, even more so than it was. I promised a blog post about some safety measures to help with children who elope, and I will get to that, but for now, I can't hardly organize my thoughts to write this rambly post. I think it gets to a point where one has been operating on such a high level of stress for so long that that becomes the norm for them. I think that the other night was one of those moments where I was pushed even beyond that 'norm' and into a space that I have been unable to cope as well with. It almost feels like my coping skills were like a game of Jenga. My structures we constantly being tested, but I was able to readjust and keep things up. Until that one piece that caused the whole thing to fall down. That was the other night for me. The other night was the one piece that compromised my whole coping methods and since I have been reeling with what feels like everything crumbling around me.
I always try to write about solutions to issues that autism might present, either firsthand, or even for parents of ASD kids. I try to be sensitive to the fact that what I write might bring up spirits of those reading, or bring them down. I feel that there is plenty of the latter in the autism community, so I try to keep on the more positive side. I'm just not feeling it this week, though. I'm tired and I'm worn out. Not just from my kid's autism, but from my own and life in general. Finances are still really rough here, causing friction, as it tends to do when there's not enough to go around. My husband and I are stressed with all of that to the max, which lends itself to us fighting with each other. My tower of well placed blocks are tumbling down.
I now realize that much of this stress has been accumulating for quite some time. I was just unaware of the strain. After a particularly bad day I called my mother in law for support. (Since my own isn't on speaking terms with me) Bad idea. She basically just told me to change how I think about my situation. If I just changed my perception, then it wouldn't be so bad. She also told me to take a vacation. No offer of help to do this. Just that I probably need one.Wow, how ingenious. Never would have come up with that little effing gem on my own. I've only had 2 vacations in my whole life and neither have been in the last 9 yrs and none have been alone with my husband. I've never had one with him, not even a honeymoon. So, I was left even more depleted than before I had called. It is clear to me that probably one of the things that drove my husband and I together (married 14 yrs yesterday) is the fact that we are both almost completely invisible to our families. It's a sad commonality that we really can't figure out the reason for, other than we aren't dysfunctional alcoholics that make up drama to fill our lives, like much of our relatives.
I guess this is all part of life. We live and we learn. We devise coping skills as life hands us more to cope with. I am trying to build healthy ones that will allow my life to grow in a positive way, but right now that's hard for me to see from where I stand.
I always try to write about solutions to issues that autism might present, either firsthand, or even for parents of ASD kids. I try to be sensitive to the fact that what I write might bring up spirits of those reading, or bring them down. I feel that there is plenty of the latter in the autism community, so I try to keep on the more positive side. I'm just not feeling it this week, though. I'm tired and I'm worn out. Not just from my kid's autism, but from my own and life in general. Finances are still really rough here, causing friction, as it tends to do when there's not enough to go around. My husband and I are stressed with all of that to the max, which lends itself to us fighting with each other. My tower of well placed blocks are tumbling down.
I now realize that much of this stress has been accumulating for quite some time. I was just unaware of the strain. After a particularly bad day I called my mother in law for support. (Since my own isn't on speaking terms with me) Bad idea. She basically just told me to change how I think about my situation. If I just changed my perception, then it wouldn't be so bad. She also told me to take a vacation. No offer of help to do this. Just that I probably need one.Wow, how ingenious. Never would have come up with that little effing gem on my own. I've only had 2 vacations in my whole life and neither have been in the last 9 yrs and none have been alone with my husband. I've never had one with him, not even a honeymoon. So, I was left even more depleted than before I had called. It is clear to me that probably one of the things that drove my husband and I together (married 14 yrs yesterday) is the fact that we are both almost completely invisible to our families. It's a sad commonality that we really can't figure out the reason for, other than we aren't dysfunctional alcoholics that make up drama to fill our lives, like much of our relatives.
I guess this is all part of life. We live and we learn. We devise coping skills as life hands us more to cope with. I am trying to build healthy ones that will allow my life to grow in a positive way, but right now that's hard for me to see from where I stand.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
New Thanksgiving Traditions
Today I'm thankful for:
* The food I cooked and ate.
*The kitchen I cooked it in.
*The family I cooked it for.
* The ability and skill to make nutritious and tasty meals for my family.
* The courage to finally make the holidays be about what my family needs and not worry about everyone else.
*The laughter that my family shared today.
*Beans, because today is his 8th Birthday. :)
*My husband and his unwavering love and support.
*CJ and all of her help around the house.
*Bubby, and his unique, authentic self.
As this Thanksgiving winds up and my 33rd birthday is right around the corner I feel that my life is opening to new and adventurous paths. This is a time where I think that maturity of life sets in and we start to see things in a different light. We begin to see life as more meanigful in less big ways. We slow down just enough to see the past and and future from the vantage point of the present. Love, marriage, children and the mortgage might have been had by now in our lives. Some of those things might have been lost, too by now. At this point in life most of us have experienced some loss.
My kids are smack dab in the middle of being grown. One foot out the door. It was only 3 years ago I remember buying my daughter an easy bake oven and polly pockets for Christmas. Now, she has a boyfriend, and goes to school dances. Soon, she'll be driving. This gives me an idea of just how fast time moves at this time in life. Time is precious and not to be wasted. Looking back, I wasted too much of it worrying about this or that. Trying to make others happy, or worrying over what others thought. Each moment I let go into my obsessive worrying, my obsessive needs to be perfect, my over focusing on me in a negative way, is one in which I can never get back. When I let anxiety take over and take me to the place in my thoughts where I dwell in negativity I lose time to be here in the present. I miss moments of my kids growing up, or an opportunity to just be in the company of my husband or to think of a friend, because I was too preoccupied with me own thoughts. There isn't much room or time left when we let negative emotions take up residence in our minds, using up the present moment.
So, today my family and I stayed home, as is our new tradition. We ate what we wanted, on our own schedule. My boys had pizza and no one batted an eye. It was the pace we liked and how we liked it. It was our holiday and we made it our own. No one to tell us otherwise, and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had. I just wonder what took me so long to shake the negative influences of others and do what works for us?
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss
* The food I cooked and ate.
*The kitchen I cooked it in.
*The family I cooked it for.
* The ability and skill to make nutritious and tasty meals for my family.
* The courage to finally make the holidays be about what my family needs and not worry about everyone else.
*The laughter that my family shared today.
*Beans, because today is his 8th Birthday. :)
*My husband and his unwavering love and support.
*CJ and all of her help around the house.
*Bubby, and his unique, authentic self.
As this Thanksgiving winds up and my 33rd birthday is right around the corner I feel that my life is opening to new and adventurous paths. This is a time where I think that maturity of life sets in and we start to see things in a different light. We begin to see life as more meanigful in less big ways. We slow down just enough to see the past and and future from the vantage point of the present. Love, marriage, children and the mortgage might have been had by now in our lives. Some of those things might have been lost, too by now. At this point in life most of us have experienced some loss.
My kids are smack dab in the middle of being grown. One foot out the door. It was only 3 years ago I remember buying my daughter an easy bake oven and polly pockets for Christmas. Now, she has a boyfriend, and goes to school dances. Soon, she'll be driving. This gives me an idea of just how fast time moves at this time in life. Time is precious and not to be wasted. Looking back, I wasted too much of it worrying about this or that. Trying to make others happy, or worrying over what others thought. Each moment I let go into my obsessive worrying, my obsessive needs to be perfect, my over focusing on me in a negative way, is one in which I can never get back. When I let anxiety take over and take me to the place in my thoughts where I dwell in negativity I lose time to be here in the present. I miss moments of my kids growing up, or an opportunity to just be in the company of my husband or to think of a friend, because I was too preoccupied with me own thoughts. There isn't much room or time left when we let negative emotions take up residence in our minds, using up the present moment.
So, today my family and I stayed home, as is our new tradition. We ate what we wanted, on our own schedule. My boys had pizza and no one batted an eye. It was the pace we liked and how we liked it. It was our holiday and we made it our own. No one to tell us otherwise, and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had. I just wonder what took me so long to shake the negative influences of others and do what works for us?
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss
Monday, September 19, 2011
How Rules Can Help With The Big Picture
The last few posts I have written about scheduling, and changing habits and becoming more productive as well as trying to give up being so obsessive. Probably more of this blog is about that than not! :) I don't know about other ladies with Asperger's or other differences and how they might be similar. I just know about myself and these things have been a struggle for me for many years. I used to spend several hours a day cleaning my house and it was spotless without question. Then my boys came along and I had to choose between tending to them and letting them be themselves or having a home with nothing out of place. I chose them and had to let my house fall far below my standards of clean. I let it go physically, but mentally I knew I had to be a failure. I thought that my house was by far substandard,and I was not a good mother, wife or person. I felt that everyone else noticed these things and thought less of me, too. Now, thanks to learning some really good meditating techniques and combining them with Mindfulness I know that my self worth is not dependent on such trivial things as how clean my house is. I am not my house, I am not my clutter and I am not all these other judgements that I put upon myself.
Getting from that rigid of thinking and self flagellation to more balanced thinking was not easy, nor overnight. I used many of the techniques that I have already listed in previous posts. I am still a very rigid thinker and that's not likely to change. No amount of meditation and mindfulness is going to be able to change how my mind works to that degree. My brain, works on rules. Everything has a rule. I am not over-exaggerating. There is not much I don't do that I have not thought through, decided on how to best carry out every little detail to increase functionality and efficiency. These rules become a ritual and I don't care much for these being changed unless I have lots of time to think about it first and acclimate. The order in which I load the dishwasher to the order in which the towels are put away, to the order in which I watch TV programs on my DVR all have rules. Those rules all serve a purpose to me and for me. They make sense in my world and they make me happy when carried out. They make me equally unhappy when they are not. Even though I get overwhelmed in the wake of the hurricane like mess my husband leaves everywhere I think his chronic disorganization was okay with me, because I could control my environment. I could control my world. I make the schedule (because he can't) I decide where things go, and what bills get paid. He can't (or greatly struggles) do these things, leaving the door open for me to be in a relationship that is almost like being alone.
So, rules have been my way of getting things done, even with mindfulness. If I have a rule, I can cope. My brain has something to latch onto. I have lost weight by making rules about how much to eat and when. I make rules about exercise, when and how. When cleaning to give myself more flexibility and be more productive I bring a timer. I have tried several different methods, but this one has worked the best. I alternate half the house every other day by cleaning 5 rooms a day. I clean each room for 5 minutes and when the timer dings I stop. I have to move on to the next room. Otherwise, I'd be so overwhelmed with details that I'd be in one corner of the house all day doing things that most people reserve for spring cleaning. You'd be amazed at what you can get done in 5 minutes, especially if you move quickly, because you know you only have 5 minutes! I do one room a day for 20 minutes, so that some bigger cleaning like mopping and such can also get done. That's only 45 minutes a day, but it seems to do the job. I don't always get to it daily, but I try. Without my timer, and without my rules of time I'd be stuck on details either not moving due to feeling too overwhelmed by the totality of it all, or I'd get too involved and get next to nothing done in the way of the big picture. Keeping the big picture in mind is a difficult thing for me to do. Feeling like I have some structure helps me to move ahead towards my goals.
Getting from that rigid of thinking and self flagellation to more balanced thinking was not easy, nor overnight. I used many of the techniques that I have already listed in previous posts. I am still a very rigid thinker and that's not likely to change. No amount of meditation and mindfulness is going to be able to change how my mind works to that degree. My brain, works on rules. Everything has a rule. I am not over-exaggerating. There is not much I don't do that I have not thought through, decided on how to best carry out every little detail to increase functionality and efficiency. These rules become a ritual and I don't care much for these being changed unless I have lots of time to think about it first and acclimate. The order in which I load the dishwasher to the order in which the towels are put away, to the order in which I watch TV programs on my DVR all have rules. Those rules all serve a purpose to me and for me. They make sense in my world and they make me happy when carried out. They make me equally unhappy when they are not. Even though I get overwhelmed in the wake of the hurricane like mess my husband leaves everywhere I think his chronic disorganization was okay with me, because I could control my environment. I could control my world. I make the schedule (because he can't) I decide where things go, and what bills get paid. He can't (or greatly struggles) do these things, leaving the door open for me to be in a relationship that is almost like being alone.
So, rules have been my way of getting things done, even with mindfulness. If I have a rule, I can cope. My brain has something to latch onto. I have lost weight by making rules about how much to eat and when. I make rules about exercise, when and how. When cleaning to give myself more flexibility and be more productive I bring a timer. I have tried several different methods, but this one has worked the best. I alternate half the house every other day by cleaning 5 rooms a day. I clean each room for 5 minutes and when the timer dings I stop. I have to move on to the next room. Otherwise, I'd be so overwhelmed with details that I'd be in one corner of the house all day doing things that most people reserve for spring cleaning. You'd be amazed at what you can get done in 5 minutes, especially if you move quickly, because you know you only have 5 minutes! I do one room a day for 20 minutes, so that some bigger cleaning like mopping and such can also get done. That's only 45 minutes a day, but it seems to do the job. I don't always get to it daily, but I try. Without my timer, and without my rules of time I'd be stuck on details either not moving due to feeling too overwhelmed by the totality of it all, or I'd get too involved and get next to nothing done in the way of the big picture. Keeping the big picture in mind is a difficult thing for me to do. Feeling like I have some structure helps me to move ahead towards my goals.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Use Your Words
There's this phenomenon that happens to me sometimes when I'm talking to someone. It's a source of great frustration. It occurs at different times. There's more than one type, but the end result it always non-communication.
For example, I might have something that happened to me that I'm excited to talk about,or something I read. (Yes, I get super excited to share things I read about with others. :) ) I wait all day for my husband to come home so I can tell him. He comes in and starts talking about his day. He goes on and on... totally not following my script of what I envisioned. I begin to try to reroute the words to fit the new criteria. I can't. The words get stuck. They won't come out. They swim around inside my head in circles not making sense. I feel so frustrated that I want to cry, and sometimes I do. I have to wait until later to tell him what I wanted to, because at that moment I am way too overwhelmed.
Another scenario is when I am in a group of people having a conversation. My brain can't seem to process their words fast enough to keep up with the conversation. I have words that I'd like to add to the conversation. I have opinions that I can vaguely make out inside my head with fuzzy pictures and fluttering words. I just can't get them out fast enough. This also happens when I get overwhelmed by sensory or emotion. I feel like a computer running on too little RAM. I can type, but feel overwhelmed with the prospect of verbalizing what I want to say. Sometimes, I will repeat the same thing over and over. Others, I will give a quick short answer that may not be my true thoughts, but rather what I think will get you to leave me alone, because my real explanation would take too many words and right at that moment, each word verbalized is painful.
The frustration that this causes immense. I have to wonder if this is how my nonverbal son feels all the time? Does he have these elaborate thoughts, or even simple wants and needs that he desperately wants to share with others, but can't? When I get this way I find it so isolating. I feel like I can't connect with others, because there is this wall of miscommunication between us. Does he feel this way all the time? Does he feel this way sometimes? Does he feel lonely? I know that I do at times when I can't share my thoughts.
So, when you ask an autistic child to 'use their words' as is so common, please, please remember that they're probably trying their best. They're already frustrated about it and aren't not using their words just to be lazy or get out of putting in effort.
For example, I might have something that happened to me that I'm excited to talk about,or something I read. (Yes, I get super excited to share things I read about with others. :) ) I wait all day for my husband to come home so I can tell him. He comes in and starts talking about his day. He goes on and on... totally not following my script of what I envisioned. I begin to try to reroute the words to fit the new criteria. I can't. The words get stuck. They won't come out. They swim around inside my head in circles not making sense. I feel so frustrated that I want to cry, and sometimes I do. I have to wait until later to tell him what I wanted to, because at that moment I am way too overwhelmed.
Another scenario is when I am in a group of people having a conversation. My brain can't seem to process their words fast enough to keep up with the conversation. I have words that I'd like to add to the conversation. I have opinions that I can vaguely make out inside my head with fuzzy pictures and fluttering words. I just can't get them out fast enough. This also happens when I get overwhelmed by sensory or emotion. I feel like a computer running on too little RAM. I can type, but feel overwhelmed with the prospect of verbalizing what I want to say. Sometimes, I will repeat the same thing over and over. Others, I will give a quick short answer that may not be my true thoughts, but rather what I think will get you to leave me alone, because my real explanation would take too many words and right at that moment, each word verbalized is painful.
The frustration that this causes immense. I have to wonder if this is how my nonverbal son feels all the time? Does he have these elaborate thoughts, or even simple wants and needs that he desperately wants to share with others, but can't? When I get this way I find it so isolating. I feel like I can't connect with others, because there is this wall of miscommunication between us. Does he feel this way all the time? Does he feel this way sometimes? Does he feel lonely? I know that I do at times when I can't share my thoughts.
So, when you ask an autistic child to 'use their words' as is so common, please, please remember that they're probably trying their best. They're already frustrated about it and aren't not using their words just to be lazy or get out of putting in effort.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dreams
I awoke this morning with a dream stuck in my head that I knew meant something important. No, I don't mean in a psychic prediction sort of way. I don't believe in that sort of stuff. I mean in a subconscious, psychological, symbolic sort of way.
Dreams have long been of fascination to me. I believe they contain a lot of stuff that we have going on behind the scenes. Our thoughts and emotions are woven intricately into stories of faraway places, as well as the mundane. They represent the ideas, hopes dreams, as well as our deepest fears, and forgotten memories. I have studied dream symbols and dictionaries, and kept dream journals for many years. Not to brag, but I am quite good at deciphering the meaning of mine and other people's dreams and helping others to find direction with what their subconscious is telling them.
In last night's dream I was at a place where they teach people to canoe. All the participants were couples, so I was waiting my turn for instruction with my husband. What was odd about this place was that typically one goes out to a lake for to canoe, but this was at an ocean. I felt confused and and intimidated by going the task ahead of me. I started searching for new clothes to wear and was trying on different outfits. (This is a common theme in my dream) The instructor told me that it wouldn't matter what I wore, because being in the canoe was all I had to worry about. So, then I protested that I can't do it, because I can't swim. She told me that no one ever falls out of the canoe. The most important thing about learning to canoe is doing it. She said she guaranteed 100% that I would not drown. I awoke when my husband and I got in and began paddling away into the rushing waves.
According to dream dictionaries a canoe means that one is headed for peace and serenity, as well as emotional balance. It's a sign of independence and emotional balance. It's also about being able to go on with determination. I feel like this is symbolic of the place that I have come to emotionally through trials and hard work with my husband. My journey through a harrowing depression has been hard, but I do feel that I have found a place of peace to rest in with my new found use of mindfulness and meditation.
The changing of the clothes is also a telling reoccurring symbol for me. Clothing represents our public self in dreams. It is who we try to be for the rest of the world. They are our image. In my old dreams about clothes, I am usually changing into clothes for an important event where there will be lots of people, but none will work. They are always too small, mismatched, under dressy, or over dressy. One shoe is lost, or doesn't fit. In this dream, my clothes fit, but I was not sure which to wear. This suggests that my image or role is changing, and I'm, trying to adapt to keep up. The answer the teacher (my wise mind) gave me was spot on. It doesn't matter how you show up to meet the challenge, just as long as you show up. All of my anxiety over how I look and weather I measure up to others doesn't matter.I can feel inadequate, but I don't have to give in and sabotage my efforts with my feelings. I think the lesson is finally sinking in.
The ocean in my dream has much the same meaning as the canoe. It's a symbol of refreshment and unhindered courage. I am feeling empowered and positive. The waters were a bit rough in my dream, but I felt prepared.
All in all, I feel this was a positive dream about equilibrium that I have recently found this last year. I feel that it is a positive sign that the practice of mindfulness and compassion has begun to change my perspective for the better. My anxiety is no long in the driver's seat and with that I have new purpose.
Dreams have long been of fascination to me. I believe they contain a lot of stuff that we have going on behind the scenes. Our thoughts and emotions are woven intricately into stories of faraway places, as well as the mundane. They represent the ideas, hopes dreams, as well as our deepest fears, and forgotten memories. I have studied dream symbols and dictionaries, and kept dream journals for many years. Not to brag, but I am quite good at deciphering the meaning of mine and other people's dreams and helping others to find direction with what their subconscious is telling them.
In last night's dream I was at a place where they teach people to canoe. All the participants were couples, so I was waiting my turn for instruction with my husband. What was odd about this place was that typically one goes out to a lake for to canoe, but this was at an ocean. I felt confused and and intimidated by going the task ahead of me. I started searching for new clothes to wear and was trying on different outfits. (This is a common theme in my dream) The instructor told me that it wouldn't matter what I wore, because being in the canoe was all I had to worry about. So, then I protested that I can't do it, because I can't swim. She told me that no one ever falls out of the canoe. The most important thing about learning to canoe is doing it. She said she guaranteed 100% that I would not drown. I awoke when my husband and I got in and began paddling away into the rushing waves.
According to dream dictionaries a canoe means that one is headed for peace and serenity, as well as emotional balance. It's a sign of independence and emotional balance. It's also about being able to go on with determination. I feel like this is symbolic of the place that I have come to emotionally through trials and hard work with my husband. My journey through a harrowing depression has been hard, but I do feel that I have found a place of peace to rest in with my new found use of mindfulness and meditation.
The changing of the clothes is also a telling reoccurring symbol for me. Clothing represents our public self in dreams. It is who we try to be for the rest of the world. They are our image. In my old dreams about clothes, I am usually changing into clothes for an important event where there will be lots of people, but none will work. They are always too small, mismatched, under dressy, or over dressy. One shoe is lost, or doesn't fit. In this dream, my clothes fit, but I was not sure which to wear. This suggests that my image or role is changing, and I'm, trying to adapt to keep up. The answer the teacher (my wise mind) gave me was spot on. It doesn't matter how you show up to meet the challenge, just as long as you show up. All of my anxiety over how I look and weather I measure up to others doesn't matter.I can feel inadequate, but I don't have to give in and sabotage my efforts with my feelings. I think the lesson is finally sinking in.
The ocean in my dream has much the same meaning as the canoe. It's a symbol of refreshment and unhindered courage. I am feeling empowered and positive. The waters were a bit rough in my dream, but I felt prepared.
All in all, I feel this was a positive dream about equilibrium that I have recently found this last year. I feel that it is a positive sign that the practice of mindfulness and compassion has begun to change my perspective for the better. My anxiety is no long in the driver's seat and with that I have new purpose.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Finding Time For Peace
In This Article By Thich Nhat Hanh he speaks of finding time in everyday life to create a Spiritual Practice. I find it to be a really good reminder that peace is always available to us at each moment.
Too often we think that we have to make time to meditate, or be more calm, or be more Mindful. We wait until we can squeeze it into our busy schedules, except we have such stressful, busy lives that there never seems to be a moment to spare. Planning on 20-30 minutes of sitting doing nothing seems like a healthy thing to do. It seems like it would be wonderfully relaxing. But, something else always seems to come up and snatch away those minutes we had planned to use for finding peace. Our best intentions aren't always met with actions. Especially, for those of you that follow my page with special needs kids. We know all too well that at the end of the day what got done was what got done, and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. For me, it was always a tomorrow that never came, or at least not very often.
So, what worked for me was taking several small moments in my day to really be alive in the moment. I focused on my breath, on my toes touching the floor, the smell of the air. I live several moments in my day as if there were no others to consider. I was amazed at the transformation that happened. It seemed to open up a new way of thinking for me. I seemed to have more time, more patience, more happiness, more joy, more love, more compassion, more of what I'd been trying to manufacture through all the busy-hustle bustle that I've been engaged in all my life. The world seemed to move slower for me. I never realized before how stiff I held myself, or how much I closed off the back of my throat constricting air, almost as if I were predicting panic at any moment. This was my constant state before taking Mindful breaks.
One thing that I did in particular was I took out my cell phone and took a picture of nature, or something else that I found fascinating, besides another person. I took close ups of blooming flowers or a tree glistening as the sun set behind it. I take one at a time and use them as a wallpaper on my cell phone. Right now there is a beautiful purple flower that I took while outside with the kids while they were playing. Doing this helps to remind me to look for the beauty in things that are all around me at any given moment.I can instantly remember how peaceful I felt in the moment I took the picture when I see my cell phone. There's always something spectacular to look at if one is using the right mind to see.
Too often we think that we have to make time to meditate, or be more calm, or be more Mindful. We wait until we can squeeze it into our busy schedules, except we have such stressful, busy lives that there never seems to be a moment to spare. Planning on 20-30 minutes of sitting doing nothing seems like a healthy thing to do. It seems like it would be wonderfully relaxing. But, something else always seems to come up and snatch away those minutes we had planned to use for finding peace. Our best intentions aren't always met with actions. Especially, for those of you that follow my page with special needs kids. We know all too well that at the end of the day what got done was what got done, and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. For me, it was always a tomorrow that never came, or at least not very often.
So, what worked for me was taking several small moments in my day to really be alive in the moment. I focused on my breath, on my toes touching the floor, the smell of the air. I live several moments in my day as if there were no others to consider. I was amazed at the transformation that happened. It seemed to open up a new way of thinking for me. I seemed to have more time, more patience, more happiness, more joy, more love, more compassion, more of what I'd been trying to manufacture through all the busy-hustle bustle that I've been engaged in all my life. The world seemed to move slower for me. I never realized before how stiff I held myself, or how much I closed off the back of my throat constricting air, almost as if I were predicting panic at any moment. This was my constant state before taking Mindful breaks.
One thing that I did in particular was I took out my cell phone and took a picture of nature, or something else that I found fascinating, besides another person. I took close ups of blooming flowers or a tree glistening as the sun set behind it. I take one at a time and use them as a wallpaper on my cell phone. Right now there is a beautiful purple flower that I took while outside with the kids while they were playing. Doing this helps to remind me to look for the beauty in things that are all around me at any given moment.I can instantly remember how peaceful I felt in the moment I took the picture when I see my cell phone. There's always something spectacular to look at if one is using the right mind to see.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sanity Test-How Sane Are You?
I took the Sanity Score test at http://www.sanityscore.com/ . My score was 75 out of a possible 200 something. The lower the score supposedly the more 'sane' one is! lol It declared me sane, but with two areas that need work, self-esteem was the highest followed by anxiety, even suggesting I have an anxiety disorder, which I have been diagnosed with. The anxiety was indicated by obsessions and compulsions, which here again, is quite true. It's fun and free, so go ahead and take it. If you do, please come back and share your results and thoughts on the test.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Time and to-do lists Part Two:
In the last blog post I talked a little bit about how we schedule our days with more than can reasonably fit. Some by choice, some by necessity. As I mentioned, some of us don't have the time energy and money to be able to do what we would like. Some people work 14 hour days not because they want to, but because some people have to. Some of us with special needs kids don't have respite or family to help. There is no 'outsourcing in childcare' as one article put it. So, as I write about slowing down and being more in the moment I am also sympathetic to those in society that for a variety of reasons don't have the resources to pick and choose their schedules with ease. I am one of those people and I am well aware of the conditions when money and time is finite.
I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done. I also feel a constant need for perfection. I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself. These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail. Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break. Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things? How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby? Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia? I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.
I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection. As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable. I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing. Just being aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily? What will matter more in the long run? I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time. Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.
I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done. I also feel a constant need for perfection. I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself. These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail. Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break. Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things? How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby? Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia? I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.
I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection. As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable. I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing. Just being aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily? What will matter more in the long run? I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time. Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.
Time and to-do lists Part One:
There was something I noticed while trolling the many news feeds and such that I frequently read... there were many that were telling me how to get the most out of my day. How to maximize my whole time potential, like in this article here . I think if this woman was off her schedule by 10 minutes her whole day would probably fall apart. Every minute seems planned and accounted for. It seems that there are some that have that kind of control over their resources to be able to strategically plan that way. Living with autistic children don't always go to plan, so making myself a priority in every waking moment of my pre-planned day would not work. No matter how many spreadsheets of data I take on how I spend my time and how many 10 minute intervals that I allot myself to think. (rolls eyes) Who schedules time in to think? And, how have we become this multi-tasking society that pencils in every waking moment of everyday with tasks and activities?
That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas. I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person) to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals. How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV? Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day. Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes. Or feeling that nag of boredom.
I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more. Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too. Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off? When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?
To be continued in the Next Post
That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas. I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person) to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals. How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV? Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day. Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes. Or feeling that nag of boredom.
I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more. Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too. Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off? When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?
To be continued in the Next Post
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