Some may be wondering about where the video I posted earlier went. I felt self conscious about it and took it down. It happened again. It's still happening right now, as a matter of fact....
By it I mean frustrations leading to meltdown status. I'm not yet in a meltdown, but I could so easily slip right into one, as it's close enough to taste right now. It's that sensation of nothing be right. How wrong it all feels. My head is hurting, my stomach is in knots, and nothing feels right. My skin recoils from every texture, my ears feel no respite from every noise that seems to be all on max volume. I want to run away, but have someone hug me. I want t be left alone, but talk to someone. These are my contradictions of meltdown. Rational thought is still present, but contained in a bubble by itself, while emotional fretting is surrounding it. I know this is nonsensical, but it's like I can't stop it.
I don't even know when and where it began. I know I read a few things this morning that didn't sit well with me, so I tried to explain my side. I was unable to do it satisfactory, at least in a way to persuade others that my view had merit. It snowballed from here. It has been one of those days where everything on-line that I tried to participate in went this way. I think a normal person would have decided it was time to pack it up for the day several hours ago and busy themselves somewhere else. Not me. I'm not normal. I perseverate, and I do so with vigor. These last few days I've seen a lot of ugliness in the autism community (both from NTs and autistics). I've seen a lot of irrational behavior and assumptions that make no sense and do not fit fact. This is not merely my view on life, but real facts. One person's fact can easily be seen as opinion from another perspective... which I know rationally. But, my brain can't wrap itself around such a broad concept. My brain says, it's either one or the other. It's black or it's white. I can't. move. on. I'm stuck in this pool of frustration. This frustration leads itself to criticism. I begin to fear that maybe it's me that's wrong. My thoughts circle around this idea like this:
Maybe that person doesn't like me anymore.
I'll bet they think I'm stupid.
I probably shouldn't post/say this.
I'll bet they think I'm crazy.
I am not successful.
I don't do anything right.
People in general don't like me.
I'm not a likable person.
Maybe I ought to find something else to do with my time.
No one will miss my blog/page anyway.
They all would rather me be quiet anyway.
I have nothing to offer of value.
Maybe, I'm not autistic.
Maybe there's something really wrong with me.
Why can't I stop from feeling so bad?
Maybe, I should delete this.
Maybe, I should delete my whole blog.
Why do I waste so much time?
I'll bet my husband is going to come home and just know I wasted my whole day on perseverating over something that is really minor.
He'll be disappointed.
I'll bet everyone is in me.
Why do I let everything bother me so much?
Why do I let my thoughts get so negative?
I wish I had someone to talk to that would understand.
I wish that I could talk to someone without feeling judged.
I wish I didn't feel like such a freak.
Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow has to be better.
This is embarrassing.
That is the making of pre-meltdown. Actual meltdown would have had lots more cussing, and my anger eventually spewing the other way to others, where I would have deleted my page, blog, or at least some people. I did go 'unlike' some pages, but I didn't do anything big. Remembering my mantra:
"Don't do anything permanently stupid, because you're temporarily upset. " I figure if I can hold off on any actions for a few hours, then if I still feel the same, the action can be carried out then.
So far, I'm a little calmer....
Friday, March 30, 2012
20 comments:
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I would miss your blog and your posts.
ReplyDeleteI need your insights.
oxox
Awww thank you. I'm glad I didn't delete anything! Thanks for reading. I always appreciate your insights and comments.
DeleteI know exactly what you mean and it really SUCKS!! I hope you will feel better very soon!
ReplyDeleteI think you describe it very good. I too have those feelings from time to time. I would like to send you lots of calmness (is that an english word??)
Greetings from Holland
Thanks for your 'calmness' vibes. (Yeah, I think that's a word) Feeling way, way better today. :-)
DeleteI know what you mean by pre-meltdown, I have so been there too! Please don't give up your blog, i can only get to it occasionally but it always has good insightful stuff. Stay cool if you can, good vibes coming across the Pacific, from me to you, my dear!! <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI did stay cool, so I'm kinda happy about that! Feeling like I accomplished something there! Thanks for your comments and support!
DeleteI can relate. And based on what I have been reading in social media YOU AREN'T WRONG! I have thought about unliking and unfriending, unfollowing myself but then I try to think how can I express how I feel without offending that will make them see why they are wrong!
ReplyDeleteI think a bunch of us were about to have a meltdown yesterday! I don't think we can necessarily make others always see how they are wrong when they hold their beliefs so tightly. I think that's what bothers us on the spectrum so badly. We see the reasoning and facts so clearly, and we cannot fathom why the other party can't. I even got into it with a popular autism page ran by an autistic organization, because I'm tired of their black and white reporting and exaggerations of things. I was in disagreement with like 70% of everything I was reading yesterday! That's how I knew I needed to stop reading and take a break!
Deletei can really relate to this my mmods are vry erratic but perhaps i dont take much notice of a pre- meltdown wheni have a full down melt down it is horrific and cant think rationally at all and make really abusive comments towards people and quite sure i would be arrested for the thoughts I have in my head thanks for shareing your thoughts!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting! I do try to page attention to the pre-meltdown so I can maybe get a hold of it before it goes into full blown meltdown. Not always easy, though!
DeleteMy son has deleted his Facebook when in pre-meltdown, depressive thinking frame of mind. Neurotypical's don't always get it. I for one always appreciate your insight, giving me a different way to look at things, a peep inside the heads of my boys. You can step away, take a little space to breathe, do some yoga, get some sun, listen to some music, go for a walk...alone. But do not go away completely. Sometimes we do have to step away and place your focus somewhere else, to help you change gears. We will be here when you get back. Still getting it all wrong :-D Hugs my friend!
ReplyDeleteI think that even typical people delete accts when upset. I've seen a few do it on FB. Of course, for some of us aspies, this can happen often, because we can get so upset and take to much personally. It's taken me a lot of practice and maturity to be able to see myself getting worked up, and remove myself from the situation before I did or said anything regretful.
DeleteThanks for letting me know I'm needed. I'll keep that in mind the next time I get upset like this and doubt myself!
Don't worry - I think all of us have had those thoughts at one time or another. It is good advice to just walk away for a bit. I tend to do that as it gives me a chance to distance myself emotionally from whatever it is that has upset me. If, when I come back, I feel like engaging with them, I do so, knowing that I am calm enough to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard though when you see someone spouting ill-informed opinions and you just want to set them straight. I totally get that.
I think so, too. Everyone has their moments of irritation/disagreement with others.
DeleteWow. Thanks so much for sharing this. The thoughts you list are so familiar to me it feels funny. When I spiral downwards I feel so much like you! And think the same things.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. It's validating to read that others can relate to what I've written.
DeleteI think that's the lovely thing about a blog, often: you can write about how you're feeling and what you're thinking and sometimes that in itself is helpful - even if what you're thinking and feeling involves deleting the blog!
ReplyDeleteIf you want to raise Autism awareness and make a difference within and beyond the Autism community, just keep on writing and speaking from the heart. Understanding is one of the most powerful ways to combat that feeling of "otherness" that people have about differences. In reading your blog, I've not only come to understand Autism MUCH better, but I've almost constantly found that I relate to a lot of what you say. So, you're not only only helping with understanding, you're helping highlight all the similarities.
(And I actually am pretty far from most typical Autism characteristics - I'd probably be a stronger person if I was a little closer! - so it just goes to show that all people are just people in the end.)
Case in point: I almost obessively run through all of those thoughts that you listed. I'm usually able to push them to the back of my mind, but they're my fairly constant companions in life.)
*pedantically deletes the unnecessary closed bracket at the end*
DeleteI am so glad that you find my blog useful in helping you to understand autism better. As crazy as it sounds, I often doubt my diagnosis and always feel a I shouldn't be speaking about autism. I guess that's probably a topic that I could blog about later, but in short, even though I am diagnosed I often feel that I'm just a fraud. I don't know why.
DeleteI had wondered if my thoughts when upset were really that far from an 'NT' thought pattern. I wondered what if any difference there was. Maybe, in persistence? Thanks so much for your comments. I love reading them!
Have you looked at the app by Mark Bowers called the Shredder (.99 cents). This app helps people to 'shred' negative thoughts. A more comprehensive version is an app called SOSH $$(39.99) version. Good Luck and your blog helps many people.
ReplyDelete