Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Change-How my brain processes it

 Edit: I just want to add that this is just a description of a temporary situation. I'm not in any distress right now and while I appreciate everyone's concern, I'm not in any need of support at the moment.

I feel my ears get hot and my jaw clench. My heart is racing and my eyes are are getting blurry. This is either anger, or anxiety. I am unsure which. All I know is, something unexpected happened. My regular routine was changed and I was not warned. I don't know how to take this. It feels personal. It feels like a big promise broken.  My pride feels hurt. I feel disrespected. I know that it's not that big of a deal, but it feels like it is. You tell me it's not, and that makes it worse. That makes it insult to injury. Now, I am most certainly shifting to mad. Anxiety doesn't feel this defensive, but it does feel threatening. I felt threatened, and now I feel like I have to defend my right to feel the way I do and be the person I am. I wasn't the one that made a last minute change. I am not the one who isn't making sense. You are. You changed it all without warning. You changed it all without explanation and now I don't know why. I need to know why. Is it me?  Is it something I did? Why do I feel like crying now? I must know why I am about to cry. I feel let down. I feel like I need a moment to regather my thoughts. They are racing. I think I asked you why you did this and why you changed your plans, because you say I did, but your answers don't make sense to me, so I will keep asking, until I tell you to leave me for a minute, if I remember to tell you this. Sometimes, when I am this upset, I forget. I forget to tell you that I need a minute. I ask you the same things and you get upset, which makes me more upset. Now, I know it's personal. Now, I know I need a break.  Now, you are mad, too. Now, you are telling me that I am illogical. I hate it when you say that. I don't think I like you right now.  Your words are overwhelming me with their force. I want to talk back, but I can't. Maybe, I could, but I know I shouldn't. When I feel this way my words are everywhere in anger. I just want to know why you acted different. Why did you do something out of the ordinary when we always do it in this order? Why can't you answer me with more reason? When I do things out of order I always have a reason. It's never because I felt like it. I feel like I've been lied to. I am angry. I need you to fix this, but you can't, because I am already upset. I need to be alone. I need to be in quiet. I need to know things are okay. I need to know that I am okay. I need to remember that life exists outside of this very overwhelming moment, even if it feels like forever is contained in this now.