Emetophobia- When You Fear Vomiting

Here at our house we are recovering from a particularly bad stomach virus. It's been circling around hitting every family member, and even coming back to visit me twice.I know that's not typically how viruses operate, but somehow this one seemed to, which was particularly horrifying for me. You see I have this fear of vomiting called.emetophobia.

So, what is emetophobia, and what is it like to live with it?

I can only speak for myself, and from what I have read, and learned from others that I know who also have it. Truth is, I have done only a small amount of research about it. I would never join a group online, or anything to that effect, because just reading about it all the time would raise my anxiety. I don't even like to think about throwing up. Just being reminded of it is a trigger for me to start to become anxious, and worried.

There is a lot of names for the act of vomiting. All of them raise my anxiety, except for the term 'throw up'.I can handle calling it vomit, but I don't like it. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I form strong associations with words, so it does to me. I will be referring to the physical act of getting sick as throwing up through this entry. I apologize if you have emetophobia, and that term upsets you.

From what I gather there are a lot of different types of emetophobias. A person might have an intense fear of throwing up, or someone seeing them throw up. They might also, or only fear seeing others throw up. Like any other panic type disorder there are also different levels of severity. I consider mine at this time to be mild to moderate. This phobia can be so severe that a person won't leave their house for fear of contracting a virus that might make them sick, or due to feeling like being away from home might make them too vulnerable to getting sick in public.

Though there are different levels of severity with emetophobia one thing that I know is that it doesn't include just disliking getting sick. No one likes to throw up. Some mind it more than others, but most everyone avoids it if at all possible. Emetophobia is about much more than that. It is an intense fear that that manifests itself in a person's life in such a way that it limits them from their daily activities. It must limit your ability to function in some way whether that be attending social events, employment, or completing everyday tasks.

How might that look to someone who has emetophobia?

Thoughts From the Unlovable Alien

The air outside is cloudy, cool and in stark contrast to the hot, windy days we've had recently. I hear the rain drop on the windows, and roof much like the tears in my lap. It's one of those days. If you're looking for warm , and fuzzy... this post isn't going to fulfill that.

It's happened again. I have been lied to. Betrayed, and forsaken.

At first there was anger, then the inevitable piecing out of what would be the logical way to handle the situation. I figured that out, and decided it was what was to be done. For a few days this was okay. Then that little voice inside of me got harder and harder to silence. It's the sound of my inner child, or whatever you want to call it. She began as an essence, but moved to a whisper. I escape her by daydreaming of times where things were better. There's no better way to soothe a current hurt than to get nostalgic. Suddenly, I am 15 again, and the possibilities are endless. I can remember when I felt I was something, and that I mattered. I don't search for a specific memory as much as how specific feeling. If I can at least artificially feel loved, and important than I can figure out how to get through another day. If I can convince myself that I am an okay person then I can cope, just one more day. That usually works for small bouts of loneliness, or rejections, but big ones? I just can't escape inside of my own head enough to alleviate that much sadness.

So, the little voice grows louder. Her mumbles begin to get more audible. "....doesn't like you..." and "..Your fault"... and more cynical statements begin surfacing. With it are the images of memories, and times long repressed to the back of my mind.

I get busy. I try to drown her out with tasks. I really don't have time for all this negativity. I have stuff to do! My house gets cleaner, as I fall apart inside. Perfection is soothing to me, as I strive to have the best of everything. Obsessive would be a good word to describe this phase of mental deterioration. To others it looks like I am just getting things done. I am. Sometimes, this motivation is all I need to snap back to feeling good again. However, if it isn't.... it is pretty much the last stop on the coping train.

If not, then what?

Twirling Naked in the Streets-and No One Noticed- Review & #Giveaway

Twirling Naked in the Streets-and No One Noticed- Growing up with undiagnosed autism

Jeannie Davide-Rivera was born 1974 in Brooklyn, New York decades before Asperger Syndrome would be recognized in the United States as a diagnosis.

In her book, she takes you through a first person account of what it was like for her growing up. She recalls very early memories as a toddler playing with her imaginary friends, and first special interests The New York Yankees, to her precocious reading ability that lent her the ability to memorize large amounts of information as a very young child.  Her book takes you through an amazing journey of ups, downs, tears, and laughs as Jeannie recounts her experiences.

Conversations With Bubby: You Don't Look Like You Have Asperger's

Conversation this morning with Bubby:

Bubby: Why do you always do work on autism, and asperger's?

Me: Because, it's what I am interested in.

Bubby: Is it because you have Asperger's?

Me: Yes, but it's also because it's what I like to do, and learn about. Just like how like Minecraft, and Family Guy.

Bubby: And South Park!  You don't look like you have Asperger's.

Where Am I? Confessions Of A Place Blind Aspie

I have been working on this post in my head for a long time. I go back and forth on how to present this subject. It's one of a very delicate matter that carries with it a lot of sensitivity to me. To be honest, I have not wanted to talk about it, as I was afraid I'd be told I was just being exaggerative or that I need to stop making excuses for myself.  I hide this secret inside of me away from everyone, because I feel ashamed and like I have no assistance in making it better.

So do you want to know my secret-y secret that I hide away from anyone and everyone that I can?

Topographical Agnosia    Or Place Blindness.

What is place blindness?

Taken from here:

"Often confused for being absentminded or lazy, people with topographic agnosia have no innate memory for places. Just as a person with face blindness has a short-term memory for faces, the person with place blindness has a short-term memory for places. This means, that a person living on a street for five years would not be able to recognise the other houses on the street or in the neighbourhood if seen out of context. In testing for place blindness, a husband asked his place-blind wife to keep her eyes shut while he drove around their neighbourhood. He stopped in front of a house four houses down from theirs and asked her to tell him if she had ever seen it before. She hadn't. Despite their many walks in which they had passed it, she had no memory of it. Topographic Agnosia also explains why a person who loved hiking and being out-of-doors would never go by herself and couldn't remember the individual hikes. Unless they included waterfalls or a unique bridge or old growth, all the hikes looked the same to her."

This means, that to me, every time I go somewhere it is like the first time, even if I have been there many times before.  If I go somewhere everyday and get a strong sense of landmarks committed to memory, then I will be okay, but if I skip several days  in a row my memory will begin to erase itself and I will have to re-learn the route. This means that if I were brought into an unfamiliar area I could not find my way back home from which I just came minutes before.

It is not just limited to driving.  I get just as lost on foot, as well. If I go out different doors in a big building I cannot find my way back to a parking lot. I did this one time when I dropped my daughter off for practice at night at an unfamiliar part of the school. I must have accidentally went out different doors and I spent 45 minutes walking around the block and the school until I finally had to ask someone which way the parking lot was. It was humiliating.  Or, the other day I went with Beans to his Halloween party. The teacher wanted him to participate with the mainstream 3rd grade class, so him, his para and I went to the classroom. I had been to this part of the school a handful of times over the last few years. He (as I predicted) became overwhelmed by the noise in the classroom, so his para asked me to take him back to his classroom while she gathered up his treats. I thought no problem, right? Yes, problem, Upon exiting the room I had not remembered to consciously note any landmarks. I had no idea which way was which. It was essentially to me as if someone had picked me up and sat me down in the middle of an unfamiliar, foreign environment, even though I had just came from that hall not seconds earlier. I stood there trying to remember anything that could help me navigate my surroundings, then pondered if I could make it back on my own, so I tried one direction hoping I get a glimpse of recognition on the other end of the hall, but no, so I thought the safest thing to do was to wait for his para to come out of the room before I got us both hopelessly lost in the building!

I find driving difficult as it is. It's hard for me to multi-task in the way of paying attention to so much stimuli at once. Add place blindness on top of it all and I am hard pressed to go anywhere new or with high traffic. So many things need to be done before I can even attempt to go anywhere I am not familiar with.  I used to rely very heavily on my Garmin, but that was in my purse that was stolen a couple months ago. That navigation system was my safety net, my saving grace.  Now, I'm back to the old days where if I get lost while driving I have to call for help while trying to describe landmarks, because I don't remember streets and I have absolutely NO idea where north, south, east and west are.  These things are way above my ability to even comprehend how others know them.  So, the thief that took my purse has no idea, nor probably cares about how much of a predicament he put me in.

Other coping skills include:
*heavy use of google maps where I can visually get a sense of what the destination looks like.
*written directions with lots of landmark info written in, like when there will be a stop sign, what the destination is by ect
*how many stop lights I have to go through, so I don't panic and think I've gone too far.
*a back up route, in case the one I have is blocked for some reason
*lots of extra time in case I get lost
*someone to go with me
*No night driving unless it's an emergency or only a few blocks

This issue is by far the most damaging to my life. This issue is the one that drove me to get a diagnosis, because I was hoping that there was some therapy, help or assistance for it.  Not only was there not any, but I got the usual agoraphobia/generalized anxiety  excuse tacked onto my Asperger's diagnosis, which was very upsetting to me, because I really wanted help with this.  The clinician was not only ignorant of the disorder, but insisted that it was my anxiety that was causing to me to have these issues.  I insisted that getting lost most definitely causes anxiety, but it is not caused by anxiety.  I was offered social skill therapy and that was virtually all. I left depleted and misunderstood, even more so than I was before going.

So, I try to make my way through as best I can.  I hope by sharing this I can help others who are out there suffering in silence.  It is estimated that up to 1/3 of those with Asperger Syndrome have place blindness.  I know that I can't be the only one and I know there has to be more research done on this difference to help people like me understand the way we perceive visual/spatial information, but the only way that is going to happen is if more people are aware it exists in the first place.

More info on Topographical Agnosia:

Getting Lost

My Obscure Interests

Sometimes, I'm browsing along on-line and I see a common theme pop up.  It's usually a name or some meme that has burrowed it's way into American society understood by everyone it seems, except me.  I seem to be the last to know what's trendy.  What is what the world of celebs and hot new actors.  I tend to find out about it while it's on it's way out of popular focus to make room for the new hot item that I'll be just as oblivious to.  It's always been this way.  I remember a teacher teasing some kids at school about 'The New Kids On The Block'. (yes I know I'm dating myself with that!) in 6th grade.  I looked around the classroom thinking that maybe I missed some new kids.  I thought that perhaps we had some new students that the girls were particularly taken with.  Nope.  I was sure embarrassed to find out different.  I went home and begged for my parents to buy me a teen magazine.  They said no, thinking I was too young, but what they didn't understand was that I wanted it to study, so I could keep up with conversations at school.  I was out of the loop and it was killing me socially.  I remember getting into quite a lot of trouble for having a huge meltdown over them saying no, because to them it looked like I was just having a tantrum over being told I couldn't have something I wanted.  I don't know why I didn't tell them that why it was so important to me to have it.  It never occurred to me to say anything to them other than I needed it. 

Nowadays, I don't really care what's what in the entertainment world.  Today, I've seen lots of posts and talks about Kate Winslett.  I don't even know who that is.  Last week is was Ryan Goseling.  Didn't know who he was, either. I do now, but I will likely never see any of his movies.  They don't interest me, and I don't even find him all that particularity attractive.

So, what do I watch on TV?  What does interest this odd aspie?  Here's a list of most of my favorite shows.  See if you can see a pattern, and guess what it is that captures my interest.

Hoarders-Buried Alive
My Strange Addiction
Obsessed
Hoarders
Freaky Eaters
My Cat From Hell
In The Bedroom-With Dr. Laura Berman
The Daily Show
10 Things You Didn't Know About
The Regular Show
Hot In Cleveland
Tosh.0
Big Bang Theory
Saturday Night Live
Law & Order
Oddities

I think that's the bulk of them.  Have you guessed what almost all of these have in common?  With the exception of Law and Order, none are dramas, and most are non-fiction.  Most deal with anxiety based disorders, or other mental health issues.  When I watch shows like Hoarders, or Obsessed I get to see people interact in real time.  These shows aren't staged, or faked.  I get the opportunity to sit as an observer and people watch.  I get to see the facial expressions and body language of people in moments of anger, sadness, and anxiety.  This allows me to store that information, to recognize it later in real time.  I also get the benefit of seeing these very dysfunctional people living in their worlds they've built for themselves in order to cope with what is usually trauma and loss.  My empathy grows as I see the struggles that these people have faced.  I hear their stories, I see how they have lived, I see how they've tried and feel their pain.  I carry this out into the world with me as an extra bit of Theory of Mind, remembering that others sometimes do what can with what they have, and sometimes, those are poor choices, but they're not mine.  I am reminded not to judge others for things I may not know the whole story.  I see lots of mental illness, personality disorders, and yes autism in these shows.  I see people sometimes that are so enmeshed in their pain that they spew it at everyone that comes near.  I see some blame all their issues on one person, usually the child that's the most 'normal' in their family.  I see alot of my mother in these shows.  When I see it as an observer only my perspective shifts.  I see how painful and wrong it is for the child of some of these people, even if the child is an adult at the time.  They've led a life of being the scapegoat and will never get any kind of real love from their parent.  I can clearly see how this isn't their fault, so in some ways I am able to extend this compassion to myself.  I like to be able to see conflict resolution as well as some of the ways these people handle their anxieties successfully. It's inspiring, humbling, and a learning experience for me.

Of course, I do like a good dose of comedy in there, as well, to balance things out.  I just don't like fiction and drama so much.  Not in the books I read, and not in my TV viewing.  If you're not making me think, then you'd better be making me laugh, or my interest is minimal!

Awkward Encounters

I saw this and thought 'Oh how I relate!'  I think that many people do this on and off the spectrum, but I know that I personally take it to another level.

Being able to converse in a social situation is not natural to me.  For some people, it can be, but it depends on the person and the situation.  I have 'faces' I put on for specific places and people.  There are different rules for how one behaves at work, or at a casual lunch with friends, for instance.  These rules are not instinctual for me, so I have to cognitively list them, which in some ways very much feels as if I am putting on an act.  It's not natural, or intuitive. 

I explain it sort of like this.  In my head is a big, big rolodex full of pictures that represent different social situations.  When I go to an IEP meeting, I find the card that has the appropriate way to behave and look in that situation, for example.  I overlay this with other clues that I can roll around and access by proxy of each other to come up with the proper things to say, wear and so on.  I mentally have to prep myself.  I pick what to wear, what might need to be said, and get a feeling of what to expect.  If the situation is new, I might try to do some research beforehand to acclimate myself.  If I don't have that sort of time I might try to quickly access the closest 'card' that I have currently on file in my head (experience) and apply the rules from that one. 

So, for most people I'm sure that I seem like I am 'normal'. My hair is nice, my make up is on, and my clothes are arranged well in moments where appearance counts.  I think that often times I may even seem to be more on top of things and together than others.  It wasn't by accident, or due to me wanting to upstage.  I'm most certainly not more together than the average mom, because I have some super power.  It's because having all my ducks in a row, lots of prep and lots of order is the only thing that allows me to do what I do.  This is my way of coping.

So, imagine what happens when I am minding my own business in a public place and I see someone I know.  The routine is different and the context is off. This person is not supposed to be here in this environment! My brain scrambles to make sense, and in this moment I flee.  It's not that I don't want to have smalltalk, because I dread the drudgery.  The person I see may well be someone I like and want to talk to, but they don't belong here and I can't find my script.  I know that if they try to talk to me there is a 50% chance I'll go mute and be unable to talk.  The other 50% is okay, if my brain can align itself quickly enough to access the proper 'card' for this person.  Words in social situations aren't free flowing.  They are (unless I'm totally comfortable with the other person) hard to come by and rely heavily on pre-written scripts.  So, I will, if I think I might get away with it hide, or at the least pretend I don't see them so at least they have to be the ones to take the lead in the conversation.  I'll dive around corners and grocery store aisles in my attempts to not have to converse. I know that I have been caught trying to avoid people in these sorts of situations and it hurt the other person's feelings.  I never meant to and I hope that if this ever happens to you that maybe you'll give the other person the benefit of the doubt that maybe they are struggling with a social issue and not take it personally.

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

Autistic Sense Of Self

A few years ago I was watching an informative piece on TV about the development of autism.  One part really stuck with me that made a revelation in my mind that has been rattling wondering what it could fully mean.  I felt I was on the verge of a vast and complicated canyon full of information that would keep my ever thinking brain wrapped up for some time.

They spoke of a child being able to know they were a separate being from their surroundings and know that their reflection in the mirror was indeed them. This milestone should be in place by 9-12 months in most typically developing children.  The way this was tested was that they put a dot of lipstick on the baby's forehead and let them look at themselves in the mirror.  If the baby knew that the reflection was of themselves they would try to wipe their forehead to get the dot off, or at the least investigate the mysterious thing on their face that doesn't belong.  If they were still self unaware they'd try to wipe the mirror, signaling to the adults they were not aware of the dot being on their own head.

So, this was interesting, as children with autism don't seem to have this ability, at least not until much later.  I then thought that of the fact that most children on the spectrum (and some adults) don't refer to themselves in first person.  This is now being backed up by science using an FMRI to analyze the parts of the brain autistic individuals use to process language referring to self.

The subject of Sense of Self came up in a forum that I frequented and I have since brought it up in several others, as it's one of infinite interest to me.  It's always the females on the autism spectrum who delve in to discuss the subject of owning one's self and what this might mean to us, vs typical people.  The males almost never participate, even as the forum pages grow sometimes into the 20's as us ladies philosophizes.  Sometimes, they might poke their head in, announce they don't know what in the world we're talking about, and make a hasty exit. (which is another facet I'd like to explore- do males on the spectrum have less sense of self than females? If so why?)  Of course, the case may be that males in general are less inclined to engage in debate about what constitutes self.  My husband certainly did not have any desire to discuss it at all with  me. 

I'd like to break this subject down into several posts, as I have a lot I'd like to say on it.  This way I am not posting a novel of a post for everyone to read, which you won't due to short attention spans or time limitations.  So, if you're interested, please stay tuned for part two of Autistic Sense Of Self- Pronouns and Consciousness.