Monday, August 27, 2018

Local Woman Knows Everything About Straws and Disabilities [SATIRE]

Florida- Local resident Karen Smith cares about sea turtles and she wants you to, too. That's why she makes it a point to leave negative comments under any Facebook posts that discuss leniency when it comes to straw bans. She wants you to know that she is environmentally conscious at all costs.

"I mean, how can people be so selfish!" she exclaims as she stuffs Gogurt pouches and Lunchables into her kids' lunch bags. "Ever since I saw that one article about those poor, poor sea turtles I knew that I had to do something. I'm a busy mom, but we all have to sacrifice for the sake of them turtles," she says as she finishes her busy morning routine of wiping down the counter with disinfecting wipes.

When asked about considering the needs of the disabled population and their use of straws Karen wasn't hearing it. "I know disabled people! I have worked with them and my cousin is disabled. They don't have to have straws. If they do they can use a reusable straw that can be carried with them. It's not like they don't already have huge bags of items they carry with them anyway. What's one more small thing to carry? Maybe they can bring their own drink in a special cup that's washable? Or maybe they don't need to go to those places if they can't use them the way I do in a sea turtle friendly way.  I feel like right now the biggest impact on the environment is disposable straws, and it's my job to make sure everyone I know knows I don't use them, or condone the use of them. I really feel like I am doing something important here. This is big work monitoring everyone like this. I don't want to hear their excuses. I already know everything I need to know."

This post is intended to be satire and not to be taken seriously. Please don't leave angry comments about how Karen is misguided. Of course she is, that's why I wrote a sarcastic article poking fun at her.