I've never been much of a T.V. watcher. I do like a few shows, but in my spare moments as brief as they come and go, I like to do rather than just be. This can mean a variety of activities, but what it isn't is me sitting idle for very long. I literally can't. So, it goes without saying I'm not a Netflix binger.
Yet, I often find myself wasting my time idling away the minutes, because I only have maybe 10 here or 5 there to spare. Not enough to begin a new project, but I will need to do a new thing or be a new place in a few minutes. It's a constant low level of frustration for me, to be honest. I am a project planner and finisher, well inside my head I am. In reality I am a frayed mother, a caregiver with chronic illness who is often burning the candle at both ends, but trying to learn to only burn it at one, even if it's a hard process to learn. It goes against the mindset of my constantly busy goal setting brain. My perfectionist self would have me living in a white glove house, perfect manicure, never missing a workout, volunteering for charities, and more. I don't know who that person is, but I make a to-do list for her every day. Hahaha.
I'm finding these few minute gaps in my day to be the most challenging to fill, as odd as it seems. I used to really enjoy spending a few minutes here and there throughout the day checking in on social media. I'd pop in, chat with friends, post a little and be on my way. Now it's a litany of angry political posts, and clickbait articles with mean comments underneath. So, I scroll and I scroll hoping to find
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Monday, June 25, 2018
Sunday, April 8, 2018
In the Aftermath of My Meltdown
So, I had a meltdown.
Sigh.....
You may have seen my post that I wrote at the tail end of it last night, but have since taken down. It was too personal, and raw to leave up and available to any eyes that came across it. And, there were eyes....Something like a hit a minute was happening. As I watched the stats climb on the post with each refresh I felt more and more exposed until I decided to take it down.
Sigh.....
You may have seen my post that I wrote at the tail end of it last night, but have since taken down. It was too personal, and raw to leave up and available to any eyes that came across it. And, there were eyes....Something like a hit a minute was happening. As I watched the stats climb on the post with each refresh I felt more and more exposed until I decided to take it down.
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Some People are Just Jerks
Something happened recently that caused me to rethink a huge chunk of my philosophy towards human behavior. It wasn't the event that is important but rather what I took away from it.
I used to believe that 99% of people were inherently good. I thought that there was only the 1% of humans that were so bad it was thorough to their core. I still believe that, to a point. I do think that most people in general possess a conscience that will kick in during serious situation. Situations like murder, rape, and robbery, ect... In general most of us instinctively know those things are wrong, and it would be hard for anyone to even manipulate us into those actions.
But, what about less serious actions?
This is where it gets fuzzy.
I used to believe that 99% of people were inherently good. I thought that there was only the 1% of humans that were so bad it was thorough to their core. I still believe that, to a point. I do think that most people in general possess a conscience that will kick in during serious situation. Situations like murder, rape, and robbery, ect... In general most of us instinctively know those things are wrong, and it would be hard for anyone to even manipulate us into those actions.
But, what about less serious actions?
This is where it gets fuzzy.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Responding to Challenging Situations with Your Autistic Child
I haven't written much about either one of my boys recently on the blog, at least not in any specific kind of way. Part of that is is because I haven't had much to write about. The other is that I am never sure what is too much when speaking about them in their youth in this public forum. The main part is that my writing style has shifted a bit to a more general subject matter that specifically includes my personal thoughts about life, and is less about autism in, and of itself.
This entry is one in which I hope does not breech my son's privacy boundaries to a great extent, but still is able to get a point across that I am wanting to.
Bubby is now 14 years old. He's grown into a fine young man with a deepening voice, and a fuzzy little mustache above his top lip. This summer he will be getting his learner's permit to begin to drive. To be honest, I have no idea how that will go. I suspect it will go fine. He's doing very well in school with his current IEP.
It was not always this way. There was so much that we had to go through with the school to get to where we are, and attitudes we had to change.
What if I told you all that 80% of the issues that I see parents (and school staff) face with their autistic kids can be resolved by viewing it in a different perspective? Would you be interested in learning a different way to interact with your child so that meltdowns, and arguments don't ensue so frequently?
The biggest mistakes I see most parents make with their autistic children are
This entry is one in which I hope does not breech my son's privacy boundaries to a great extent, but still is able to get a point across that I am wanting to.
Bubby is now 14 years old. He's grown into a fine young man with a deepening voice, and a fuzzy little mustache above his top lip. This summer he will be getting his learner's permit to begin to drive. To be honest, I have no idea how that will go. I suspect it will go fine. He's doing very well in school with his current IEP.
It was not always this way. There was so much that we had to go through with the school to get to where we are, and attitudes we had to change.
What if I told you all that 80% of the issues that I see parents (and school staff) face with their autistic kids can be resolved by viewing it in a different perspective? Would you be interested in learning a different way to interact with your child so that meltdowns, and arguments don't ensue so frequently?
The biggest mistakes I see most parents make with their autistic children are
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The Autistic Student- Won't vs. Can't
It seems pretty common to hear parents of ASD children talk about a time when someone told them that their child can't or won't be able to do this, or learn that. I come across stories like that all the time. As wrong as I think that is, that has been rarely my experience with my kids, or even myself. As a matter of fact, it's been the opposite.
I don't know how many IEP meetings that have been called by me to discuss services for Bubby. No one has ever said "He can't do it." It's always been "He can if he tried."
I don't know how many IEP meetings that have been called by me to discuss services for Bubby. No one has ever said "He can't do it." It's always been "He can if he tried."
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
#Autistic Inertia
I have erased, and began again on this page. I look at the blinking cursor as I try to get my thoughts out, but none are quite what I want to convey. I imagine this blockage would be worse if I were having to actually speak, instead of type. So many thoughts in my head, and emotions building that I can't quite articulate any of it, and it's seemingly stopping me from doing anything productive.
I call this phenomenon autistic inertia. I may be not even be enjoying whatever repetitive activity that I am doing, or thoughts that I am dwelling on, but they are looping in a manner inside my brain, and freezing my body in a way that I can't seem to break free from.
I know that I should do something else. I know that I have tons of things that need done. I know I am behind, and should get moving. I am aware of the time. The clock is making me nervous,
I call this phenomenon autistic inertia. I may be not even be enjoying whatever repetitive activity that I am doing, or thoughts that I am dwelling on, but they are looping in a manner inside my brain, and freezing my body in a way that I can't seem to break free from.
I know that I should do something else. I know that I have tons of things that need done. I know I am behind, and should get moving. I am aware of the time. The clock is making me nervous,
Monday, October 28, 2013
Ouch! That Hurt My Ego!
In my last post I talked about not only fearing, but expecting rejection, and another recent post I spoke about feeling almost depressed, and needing a break.
I think I see a pattern here.
In sharp contrast to me almost rock solid confidence in the recent post about letting go of preconceived notions of limits post I wrote just a few weeks ago I see a decline in mood. I see a decline in energy, which shakes my confidence up, leaving me feeling like maybe I don't got this.
I'm noting my ego is easily bruised by things that I usually would just let slide. I'm sensitive. My physical body is ill. My stomach is in knots,
I think I see a pattern here.
In sharp contrast to me almost rock solid confidence in the recent post about letting go of preconceived notions of limits post I wrote just a few weeks ago I see a decline in mood. I see a decline in energy, which shakes my confidence up, leaving me feeling like maybe I don't got this.
I'm noting my ego is easily bruised by things that I usually would just let slide. I'm sensitive. My physical body is ill. My stomach is in knots,
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Expecting Rejection-How can I stop?
Last night Hubby, and I went out on a date, as we do most Friday nights. I know that is like a dream for most parents, much less special needs parents. I am aware of how lucky I am to have this opportunity to go out for a few hrs child free with my husband. However, it rarely ends well, or is even enjoyable.
Last night was another failed attempt. It wasn't a total waste, but it wasn't all that fun, either. We can't seem to find anything to do that we both enjoy in the time frame we have to fill. The sitter gets to our house at 7:30 and we have to drive 30 minutes into town, and be leave town by 11 PM or so. So, that leaves us with * PM-11 PM for eating and whatever we decide to do. That's roughly 3 hrs. The issue is filling those hours, My husband doesn't drink, and I don't like movies. Nothing is open for shopping, and such that late. Museums, and other places are closed. So, unless you want to be in loud, places with loud people there is not much left to do. Parks are okay, but not terribly safe to be sitting in late at night.
My mood is our biggest barrier. I get excited about going out. I look forward to it, but then once we are out around people I just want to go home.
Last night was another failed attempt. It wasn't a total waste, but it wasn't all that fun, either. We can't seem to find anything to do that we both enjoy in the time frame we have to fill. The sitter gets to our house at 7:30 and we have to drive 30 minutes into town, and be leave town by 11 PM or so. So, that leaves us with * PM-11 PM for eating and whatever we decide to do. That's roughly 3 hrs. The issue is filling those hours, My husband doesn't drink, and I don't like movies. Nothing is open for shopping, and such that late. Museums, and other places are closed. So, unless you want to be in loud, places with loud people there is not much left to do. Parks are okay, but not terribly safe to be sitting in late at night.
My mood is our biggest barrier. I get excited about going out. I look forward to it, but then once we are out around people I just want to go home.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Quick Points for Effective #Autism Advocacy
Since Beans school incident recently I have become all that much more aware of how school improperly handles children with needs they don't understand. I am seeing a re-occurring theme that I find so unsettling.
It's the over-correction, under-supportive, non compassionate, non empathetic way that schools often view, and treat our children.
It seems so common that I find most parents don't even notice it. They just see the way their child is treated as the way it is. It doesn't have to be. Most find what happened to my son to be appalling, but what they don't understand is that if their child is being restrained at any point in their day that could easily be their child.
I have written a lot about behavior supports, and such, and will include those entries at the end of this entry for a reference to those that may not have seen it. As a quick reference, here are some points I'd like people to remember when dealing with the school, and autistic children.
* If your child is struggling in any way with school personnel, and behavior request a Functional Behavior Assessment. Don't think that it would cause too much trouble, or think that just because a certain para is working with your child that they'll be okay. Don't let the school make you feel that they're doing so much that you should be grateful, and not ask for more. That was the biggest mistake I made, by far.
It's the over-correction, under-supportive, non compassionate, non empathetic way that schools often view, and treat our children.
It seems so common that I find most parents don't even notice it. They just see the way their child is treated as the way it is. It doesn't have to be. Most find what happened to my son to be appalling, but what they don't understand is that if their child is being restrained at any point in their day that could easily be their child.
I have written a lot about behavior supports, and such, and will include those entries at the end of this entry for a reference to those that may not have seen it. As a quick reference, here are some points I'd like people to remember when dealing with the school, and autistic children.
* If your child is struggling in any way with school personnel, and behavior request a Functional Behavior Assessment. Don't think that it would cause too much trouble, or think that just because a certain para is working with your child that they'll be okay. Don't let the school make you feel that they're doing so much that you should be grateful, and not ask for more. That was the biggest mistake I made, by far.
Monday, August 26, 2013
#Autistic Know-it-all, or Could it be #Anxiety?
On my Inner Aspie page I spoke of a little personal challenge to not correct my husband, or critique anything he does for a whole entire week. I made it about 24 hours before I blurted out "That's wrong!!!" when we were making the bed, and he was going to put the blankets in the wrong order. I tried to slow my thoughts down, and think of another way to say it, but I got so anxious. In the afterthought of it all I realize that something so small as the blankets being in the wrong order shouldn't feel so nerve-wracking. I wish it wasn't met in my mind with such obsessional urgency that I feel the energy shoot from my stomach, up through my chest, down my arm, and out my fingertips in a flappy expression of overwhelm. However, it does.
In my mind at that moment it feels like the world is collapsing. My blankets won't feel right while I sleep. They'll probably not stay on the bed right. The satin fabric one is too slippery. It will slide off in the middle of the night, and I will be cold, then I will have to get it. Then, I will be tired from fixing blankets all night. Not to mention what it will do to the color scheme of my room! They won't match like that, and then my room will look dark, and dark shadowy room hurt my eyes, and , and, and,....
That is how anxiety works in my head. I'm not trying to be critical of others. I'm trying to control my world so that I can feel comfortable.
In my mind at that moment it feels like the world is collapsing. My blankets won't feel right while I sleep. They'll probably not stay on the bed right. The satin fabric one is too slippery. It will slide off in the middle of the night, and I will be cold, then I will have to get it. Then, I will be tired from fixing blankets all night. Not to mention what it will do to the color scheme of my room! They won't match like that, and then my room will look dark, and dark shadowy room hurt my eyes, and , and, and,....
That is how anxiety works in my head. I'm not trying to be critical of others. I'm trying to control my world so that I can feel comfortable.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Understanding the Why When Teaching Autistic Children
I have seen a theme of discussion here lately about "pushing" autistic kids. From Temple Grandin's speeches to autism pages, and blogs that I read. I have posted, and spoken about it a lot on my own personal page, even going so far as to tag educators that work with my son. I somehow feel they probably don't appreciate that. Their knowledge comes from classroom teachers, and textbooks, which is fine. There is nothing wrong with that, but the picture is not complete without the perspective of people that are on the spectrum weighing in on the subject. After all, we once were the kids they are teaching now.
I have argued in real time with some of the people that work with my sons about the idea of pushing. What it means, what it doesn't, and when it should occur, if ever. I still don't think I have made myself clear, or come to any agreement so far with many.
I think part of the issue is what does pushing really mean? Does that mean 40 hours of ABA? Does it mean constant repetition, and hand over hand? Does it mean do this, and get this? This is where it gets sticky, because what seems like pushing to one person isn't to another. We're all different in how we interpret things.
I have argued in real time with some of the people that work with my sons about the idea of pushing. What it means, what it doesn't, and when it should occur, if ever. I still don't think I have made myself clear, or come to any agreement so far with many.
I think part of the issue is what does pushing really mean? Does that mean 40 hours of ABA? Does it mean constant repetition, and hand over hand? Does it mean do this, and get this? This is where it gets sticky, because what seems like pushing to one person isn't to another. We're all different in how we interpret things.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Losing Beans- Last night's bad dream
Last night I had one of those dreams that you wake up from sobbing. At first, I thought that the meaning was pretty straight forward, but after thinking on it, and looking up some of the main themes in my dream dictionary I quickly realized the meaning was much deeper than I originally thought.
In my dream, I was sitting around with some friends that I used to have when I was a teenager. We were back at my hometown, doing fun things that 14 year old girls do, except I was not 14. I was the same age I am now. It was nostalgic, and I was having a really nice time. Then, it was evening and we were sitting by a pool. The next thing I know Beans has disappeared. I can't find him anywhere. Panic sets in, as I look for him.
Then, I am in a sort of haze, or something. It was like I was unconscious, and had woke up. I asked some people around me where Beans was, hoping it had been a dream, or he had been found, but they confirmed what was my worst fear... he was still lost. They said he had wandered into a nearby forest. I held back my tears, as I asked how long had this been the case. Two or three weeks was their reply, and with that I knew. I knew he was gone, likely forever, and I just kept saying "Oh man, oh man. no." as I sobbed, and sobbed. I think I made a few attempts at following up, but I knew it was pretty final. He was gone, and that was that.
I tried to move on, but life felt so empty. I tried to keep things
In my dream, I was sitting around with some friends that I used to have when I was a teenager. We were back at my hometown, doing fun things that 14 year old girls do, except I was not 14. I was the same age I am now. It was nostalgic, and I was having a really nice time. Then, it was evening and we were sitting by a pool. The next thing I know Beans has disappeared. I can't find him anywhere. Panic sets in, as I look for him.
Then, I am in a sort of haze, or something. It was like I was unconscious, and had woke up. I asked some people around me where Beans was, hoping it had been a dream, or he had been found, but they confirmed what was my worst fear... he was still lost. They said he had wandered into a nearby forest. I held back my tears, as I asked how long had this been the case. Two or three weeks was their reply, and with that I knew. I knew he was gone, likely forever, and I just kept saying "Oh man, oh man. no." as I sobbed, and sobbed. I think I made a few attempts at following up, but I knew it was pretty final. He was gone, and that was that.
I tried to move on, but life felt so empty. I tried to keep things
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Square Pegs and Civil Rights
I mentioned some school issues with Bubby in the post before last New Places & Trying New Things. I left everything kinda up in the air during that post, and promised a follow up. So, here it is.
We did make it safely to the new counselor's office, despite sleet, blown tires, and broken windshield wipers. The counselor was very nice, and appeared to have a good understanding of autism. I was really nervous that she would either a). not know much of anything about autism, or even more so Asperger's. Or b). think that I am one of those moms that like to make a big deal out of nothing, and doubt he is autistic at all. So, I was relieved when my fears were baseless in reality. I think she and Bubby will get along great, and I look forward to continuing to see her.
So, that is a super positive in our corner.
The behavior consultant observed Bubby for the second time yesterday, and called me as I requested to discuss what she thought. The first time, it was all rainbows, and flowers. That worried me, because even though I know 2/3 of his day is pleasant as she observed, there is the 1/3 that is not, which is the third that is causing serious issues. This time when she observed it must have all just lined up right, because she was able to see his every button pushed, and severe meltdown ensue. I was not the least bit pleased at the meltdown in, and of itself, but that she was able to see it unfold. It's hard to write a behavior plan, and make recommendation on a student that you've never really seen the problem "behaviors". We discussed several things that may help on the phone. She also disclosed to me that she will be meeting with the special ed. teacher tomorrow to discuss with her what her thoughts were. I sent an email, and invited myself to the meeting. I'm sure the special ed teacher is less than thrilled with that, but at this point I feel I must get pushy. The behavior consultant also disclosed to me that she had at one point asked the special ed teacher if she would like for the county's autism specialist to come out, and do some training, and that idea was turned down. That did not make me happy, so I have called the autism specialist myself, and am asked for her to consult with the behavior consultant to decide the next steps should be. I have met the autism specialist a few times, and she is a bit abrasive, and difficult to get along with in a lot of ways, but I am desperate. This may backfire on me, but I have to take that chance. I asked around to people that have worked with her before, and the general consensus is that she does not work well with children, but is great at putting together plans, and training. So, I am feeling like bringing her into the picture is worth the risk.
So, at this point it is just a lot of research, and searching out the right people to help me help my son. The local advocacy center didn't have anymore ideas, than the ones I am already pursuing. I sometimes think I ought to get a job there. lol I am scouring our state's ed. website, and printing pages that speak to the issues we are having, and what the law says about Least Restrictive Environment, Behavior Plans, Present Levels of functional Performance, ect... I am also searching through Wrightslaw site to determine what actions I need to take, and what actions have been successfully taken by parents before. I am printing out documents of such court cases.
I feel like I am doing all that I can to ensure a proper education of my son in a regular ed environment. It may not be easy, but it is necessary. If all else fails, I will homeschool him, but that is last resort. To me, I am not just fighting this fight for him, but for every disabled child that comes through our tiny town's education system. They try to break them to fit them into what they want, and if they can't they send them to special classrooms in another town. Nope. Not happening here, if I can help it. He deserves to have a place in school, just like anyone else. He also is well liked, and accepted by his peers. It's the adults that are the issue here. It's time for outmoded beliefs, and ideas to get an update.
We did make it safely to the new counselor's office, despite sleet, blown tires, and broken windshield wipers. The counselor was very nice, and appeared to have a good understanding of autism. I was really nervous that she would either a). not know much of anything about autism, or even more so Asperger's. Or b). think that I am one of those moms that like to make a big deal out of nothing, and doubt he is autistic at all. So, I was relieved when my fears were baseless in reality. I think she and Bubby will get along great, and I look forward to continuing to see her.
So, that is a super positive in our corner.
The behavior consultant observed Bubby for the second time yesterday, and called me as I requested to discuss what she thought. The first time, it was all rainbows, and flowers. That worried me, because even though I know 2/3 of his day is pleasant as she observed, there is the 1/3 that is not, which is the third that is causing serious issues. This time when she observed it must have all just lined up right, because she was able to see his every button pushed, and severe meltdown ensue. I was not the least bit pleased at the meltdown in, and of itself, but that she was able to see it unfold. It's hard to write a behavior plan, and make recommendation on a student that you've never really seen the problem "behaviors". We discussed several things that may help on the phone. She also disclosed to me that she will be meeting with the special ed. teacher tomorrow to discuss with her what her thoughts were. I sent an email, and invited myself to the meeting. I'm sure the special ed teacher is less than thrilled with that, but at this point I feel I must get pushy. The behavior consultant also disclosed to me that she had at one point asked the special ed teacher if she would like for the county's autism specialist to come out, and do some training, and that idea was turned down. That did not make me happy, so I have called the autism specialist myself, and am asked for her to consult with the behavior consultant to decide the next steps should be. I have met the autism specialist a few times, and she is a bit abrasive, and difficult to get along with in a lot of ways, but I am desperate. This may backfire on me, but I have to take that chance. I asked around to people that have worked with her before, and the general consensus is that she does not work well with children, but is great at putting together plans, and training. So, I am feeling like bringing her into the picture is worth the risk.
So, at this point it is just a lot of research, and searching out the right people to help me help my son. The local advocacy center didn't have anymore ideas, than the ones I am already pursuing. I sometimes think I ought to get a job there. lol I am scouring our state's ed. website, and printing pages that speak to the issues we are having, and what the law says about Least Restrictive Environment, Behavior Plans, Present Levels of functional Performance, ect... I am also searching through Wrightslaw site to determine what actions I need to take, and what actions have been successfully taken by parents before. I am printing out documents of such court cases.
I feel like I am doing all that I can to ensure a proper education of my son in a regular ed environment. It may not be easy, but it is necessary. If all else fails, I will homeschool him, but that is last resort. To me, I am not just fighting this fight for him, but for every disabled child that comes through our tiny town's education system. They try to break them to fit them into what they want, and if they can't they send them to special classrooms in another town. Nope. Not happening here, if I can help it. He deserves to have a place in school, just like anyone else. He also is well liked, and accepted by his peers. It's the adults that are the issue here. It's time for outmoded beliefs, and ideas to get an update.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Why I Hide In The Atheism Closet
For many years my favorite song has been 'Imagine' by John Lennon. I seem to find that it is on many people's list of favorites. It was brought back (as if it ever left) by A Perfect Circle, which is one of my favorite bands. I can listen to it for hours, back to back.
I like the song for all of it's lyrics. I am an atheist. I don't believe there is a God. I don't think there is an afterlife. I think today, right here, right now is all we have. I tried to be a Christian. I tried Wicca. I tried several differently philosophies and have come to atheism, with a hint of Buddhism (which no deity is involved with) to be where I have comfortably settled. After researching, living and trying out different ideas I am pretty happy with being where I am. So, you may wonder, why is it you never talk about it? Are you ashamed of your stance?
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Learning To Float In A Sea Of Chaos
The other day I shared this photo on my page:
I found it on FB and thought, oh... this is me. This is a perfect example of where I am in my life. Not that I am this martyr that just gives to all and gets nothing. I don't really view my life that way. I don't feel that I take on more than my fair share. I do think that I sometimes have more on my plate than I can swallow at once and that is an issue, because it's as if I keep putting more and more back into the fridge for the next day, but the leftovers never get quite gone. Sometimes, I clean out my fridge and am happy for that feeling of things being pretty taken care of for a bit. But, then there's the other times. The times like now, where every morning I open my fridge and I see leftovers from 3 weeks ago that I needed to take care of, but I didn't. They're still there, rearranged and prioritized. I am feeling overwhelmed. I need to answer emails, and blog replies. I have important phone calls to make and errands to run. I have conferences to attend and volunteer work that I don't know why I sign up for, but I do. (Okay, I do know why, because I sometimes want to give back and do something more than just dishes and laundry.) I have an IEP coming that I need to prep for and more than one child with issues that needs my attention at school. I can only do so much in one day. I only have so much time and energy. This week my fridge is overflowing with leftovers.
Just while writing this I had to get up and chase our new dog (who I am also training) down the alley, because he found a week spot in our fence (that I totally told my husband about, but he insisted it was fine) and had to stop writing to answer texts from Bean's teacher. My husband and I are in a stalemate, because he doesn't agree with the way I want to train the dog. So, there's a lot of tension there. I am bossy. I am controlling. I am working on not being so much so, but it is in my nature to know what needs to be done and do it. Part of that is working on letting someone else take care of the leftovers,sometimes. Even if they don't do it my way. Even if things don't all get done. I know this is life. I know I will be here again and again. I will get much of these tasks done and then after a short resting time, things will get hectic again. Life has a way of being this way, especially when you have special needs kids to tend to. I sometimes run out of steam, but I always get it done. I know that I do. It's hard to remember when I am in the middle of it all drowning that I will sink faster if I flail around fighting. I have to remember to stay calm and float naturally. Not easy when it all seems so urgent. I have to remember to stop perseverating on what I'm not getting done and think about what I did. The first will bring me to a standstill, while the other will help me see what I accomplish. It's hard to have a good perspective sometimes, but worth it, emotionally.
All in all I think I am doing good with being calm and looking to the bright side. A vast improvement from where I was even a year ago. I am still drowning in it, but I am able to be calm, delegate, and prioritize. as well as not feel like a failure when I can't meet every deadline or commitment.
Just while writing this I had to get up and chase our new dog (who I am also training) down the alley, because he found a week spot in our fence (that I totally told my husband about, but he insisted it was fine) and had to stop writing to answer texts from Bean's teacher. My husband and I are in a stalemate, because he doesn't agree with the way I want to train the dog. So, there's a lot of tension there. I am bossy. I am controlling. I am working on not being so much so, but it is in my nature to know what needs to be done and do it. Part of that is working on letting someone else take care of the leftovers,sometimes. Even if they don't do it my way. Even if things don't all get done. I know this is life. I know I will be here again and again. I will get much of these tasks done and then after a short resting time, things will get hectic again. Life has a way of being this way, especially when you have special needs kids to tend to. I sometimes run out of steam, but I always get it done. I know that I do. It's hard to remember when I am in the middle of it all drowning that I will sink faster if I flail around fighting. I have to remember to stay calm and float naturally. Not easy when it all seems so urgent. I have to remember to stop perseverating on what I'm not getting done and think about what I did. The first will bring me to a standstill, while the other will help me see what I accomplish. It's hard to have a good perspective sometimes, but worth it, emotionally.
All in all I think I am doing good with being calm and looking to the bright side. A vast improvement from where I was even a year ago. I am still drowning in it, but I am able to be calm, delegate, and prioritize. as well as not feel like a failure when I can't meet every deadline or commitment.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Managing Negative Behaviors With #Autism & #ADHD
I am a member of a lot of autism pages on FB, and I read a lot of autism related blogs, ect. There is a recurrent theme that I see played out everyday. It's hard for me to address it as a general concept because I don't do general concepts very well. I am a detailed thinker. I am going to try, because this subject is very important to me.
I'd like to discuss the way I see parents handling their child's 'behaviors'. I really dislike that word,behaviors. Let's call it responses. That's what they are. Everything a child (and let's face it, people in general) does is a direct response to a trigger. The trigger can be negative, or positive. It can be physical, something that can be felt with the senses, or private, something that is only evident to the person feeling it, but nonetheless just as valid. Since a person who is on the spectrum senses the world differently parents have to parent differently. I think this is a hard thing for parents to know how to do that. It's even harder for other caregivers, such as teachers, who may not have any experience with your child before suddenly noticing what appears to be 'naughty' behaviors responses.
Let's go with a common one that I hear almost daily.The following is an example only, and does not represent any one person.
Little Johnny walked up to James and punched him. When the teacher saw, she thought to herself, "oh, here we go again! Johnny is such a brat. I am tired of him. He needs some serious discipline. I'm going to let him know he can't behave this way. His parents really need to do something about him. I'm going to let them know about how much I don't appreciate their child's behavior in my classroom!" The teacher doesn't understand Johnny's autism. She thinks he's naughty and already has that biased in her mind that he is, which means she's always on the lookout for behavior to correct from Johnny. She feels compelled to let him know that his tactics will not work in her class. Any positive behavior is now overlooked by her and negative behavior is exemplified. She relentlessly calls and emails Johnny's mother, who feels embarrassed that her child is misbehaving. Maybe, she feels angry that the teacher doesn't handle it very well, but since in our society having a child that acts out is seen as parental failure Johnny's mother feels powerless. She sees this situation as a reflection on her parenting ability and allows the teacher to talk down to her, back her in a corner and influence how she deals with Johnny when he gets home. Johnny's mom makes decisions based on her emotional reaction to the situation, which is to punish Johnny for misbehaving. This further frustrates Johnny. The cause of his behavior is never addressed, he learns that he is always to blame, so he acts out more. The cycle continues until he's an adolescent and now angrier than ever is physically intimidating his family. Johnny has never been given the right supports to deal with his autism and his emotions. He has learned that he is always the bad guy, the wrong one, and that no one has his back. He acts like he feels, which is out of control. He lost the game before it even began.
Sound familiar? So what can you do?
*The first thing to do is to learn as much about autism as you can from those who have it. If you're here, there's a good chance you're already doing that.
*Make a decision that you will try to objectively view everybehavior your child has as a direct response to something. This means, try to get to their level and see through their eyes. It is unlikely that they are doing anything to just upset, or manipulate you. Get that out of your head now. Every behavior is a communication about a need. It's your job to figure out what the need is.
*Which brings me to the next part. Put on your detective hat. If you can't automatically figure out what your child keeps getting upset about, keep a behavior journal. Write down any emotion changes in a chart. See if there are any patterns.
*Put on your advocacy hat. Don't let school officials talk you into the corner. Be confident. If you struggle with this, find someone to help you. I have not gotten one call from the school about either of my boy's behavior. They know that if they did, I'd demand a Functional Behavior Assessment and call a meeting. I would be in the classroom observing (which I do time to time anyway) to see what supports they need to be more successful. The school staff know this. They know I expect them to support and respect my kids and will have to deal with the business end of a advocacy lawyer if they don't.
*This point may raise a few hackles. I'm going to put it anyway. It's what I truly believe. If the school can't get it right, or other program, then don't continue to send your child there. Sometimes, you can make the school or other program comply by law for certain things, but you can't control how they talk to or treat your child. My youngest qualifies for Extended School Year. I dislike the staff and have a strong feeling that things aren't always positive and on the up and up there. I don't send him. He needs it and it's great for me to have that break, but it's more important to me that my son is treated well, so he does not attend summer school. I never want him to feel like my needs come before his, or that I won't go out of my way to keep him safe.
*Do not punish meltdowns. Ever. Remember that a meltdown is a direct response to something. Solve the problem, and thebehavior will go away.
*Learn about Positive Behavior Supports and how to be a consistent parent.
*Learn about sensory issues and how to help your child with those.
*Keep things on a routine as much as possible. Use visual schedules or written ones if your child needs it. Remember that transitions are hard for us. Count down before sudden changes. Example: "We will be going home from he park in 10 minutes" "We will be leaving in 5 minutes.." ect.. Don't just suddenly decide that things need to happen, then wonder why your child is suddenly aggressive, eloping, or crying.
*Learn about Executive Functioning issues. Use some of the strategies mentioned in the paragraph above to help your child best process information and prioritize time.
All of these things, if done for the ASD person, will provide an optimal level of support, and when ASD individuals are properly supported you will automatically see a decline inbehaviors.
I'd like to discuss the way I see parents handling their child's 'behaviors'. I really dislike that word,
Let's go with a common one that I hear almost daily.The following is an example only, and does not represent any one person.
Little Johnny walked up to James and punched him. When the teacher saw, she thought to herself, "oh, here we go again! Johnny is such a brat. I am tired of him. He needs some serious discipline. I'm going to let him know he can't behave this way. His parents really need to do something about him. I'm going to let them know about how much I don't appreciate their child's behavior in my classroom!" The teacher doesn't understand Johnny's autism. She thinks he's naughty and already has that biased in her mind that he is, which means she's always on the lookout for behavior to correct from Johnny. She feels compelled to let him know that his tactics will not work in her class. Any positive behavior is now overlooked by her and negative behavior is exemplified. She relentlessly calls and emails Johnny's mother, who feels embarrassed that her child is misbehaving. Maybe, she feels angry that the teacher doesn't handle it very well, but since in our society having a child that acts out is seen as parental failure Johnny's mother feels powerless. She sees this situation as a reflection on her parenting ability and allows the teacher to talk down to her, back her in a corner and influence how she deals with Johnny when he gets home. Johnny's mom makes decisions based on her emotional reaction to the situation, which is to punish Johnny for misbehaving. This further frustrates Johnny. The cause of his behavior is never addressed, he learns that he is always to blame, so he acts out more. The cycle continues until he's an adolescent and now angrier than ever is physically intimidating his family. Johnny has never been given the right supports to deal with his autism and his emotions. He has learned that he is always the bad guy, the wrong one, and that no one has his back. He acts like he feels, which is out of control. He lost the game before it even began.
Sound familiar? So what can you do?
*The first thing to do is to learn as much about autism as you can from those who have it. If you're here, there's a good chance you're already doing that.
*Make a decision that you will try to objectively view every
*Which brings me to the next part. Put on your detective hat. If you can't automatically figure out what your child keeps getting upset about, keep a behavior journal. Write down any emotion changes in a chart. See if there are any patterns.
*Put on your advocacy hat. Don't let school officials talk you into the corner. Be confident. If you struggle with this, find someone to help you. I have not gotten one call from the school about either of my boy's behavior. They know that if they did, I'd demand a Functional Behavior Assessment and call a meeting. I would be in the classroom observing (which I do time to time anyway) to see what supports they need to be more successful. The school staff know this. They know I expect them to support and respect my kids and will have to deal with the business end of a advocacy lawyer if they don't.
*This point may raise a few hackles. I'm going to put it anyway. It's what I truly believe. If the school can't get it right, or other program, then don't continue to send your child there. Sometimes, you can make the school or other program comply by law for certain things, but you can't control how they talk to or treat your child. My youngest qualifies for Extended School Year. I dislike the staff and have a strong feeling that things aren't always positive and on the up and up there. I don't send him. He needs it and it's great for me to have that break, but it's more important to me that my son is treated well, so he does not attend summer school. I never want him to feel like my needs come before his, or that I won't go out of my way to keep him safe.
*Do not punish meltdowns. Ever. Remember that a meltdown is a direct response to something. Solve the problem, and the
*Learn about Positive Behavior Supports and how to be a consistent parent.
*Learn about sensory issues and how to help your child with those.
*Keep things on a routine as much as possible. Use visual schedules or written ones if your child needs it. Remember that transitions are hard for us. Count down before sudden changes. Example: "We will be going home from he park in 10 minutes" "We will be leaving in 5 minutes.." ect.. Don't just suddenly decide that things need to happen, then wonder why your child is suddenly aggressive, eloping, or crying.
*Learn about Executive Functioning issues. Use some of the strategies mentioned in the paragraph above to help your child best process information and prioritize time.
All of these things, if done for the ASD person, will provide an optimal level of support, and when ASD individuals are properly supported you will automatically see a decline in
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Why Spanking Is Harmful
It seems that a week can't go by where there isn't some thread on a public page on Facebook where people are voraciously arguing over Corporal Punishment. From what I have gathered those for it are in the minority. You might not know it, based on their reactions, but I always find that to be a good indication of how valid one really think their opinion is. If I know my actions are noble I won't feel the need to get over the top defensive if someone doesn't agree with me. I don't need them to tell me I am right, or agree with me to feel validated. If I feel confident in my own decision, then I will be able to have a civil debate about why I think the way I do and be okay if I can't sway the other party to my 'side' as it were.
So, what does science say about spanking? One recent study showed a clear association with
Another states
Those are just a couple of the studies that have shown that spanking isn't beneficial to any child for any reason, for any age. I can't find one study that says it is. If you have one, please share it with me. The interesting thing to me is, even though it is not recommended by any expert that knows anything about child development, the studies say parents continue to do it anyway. This leads me to believe that we don't have enough information and know how to discipline differently. As humans we do what we know, even if it's not effective. We're creatures of habit and tradition.
My other issue with hitting kids (and make no mistake anytime you spank your child it IS by definition hitting them) is that it's illegal to hit anyone else, so why are children not afforded the same right? If your spouse, neighbor, or waiter pisses you off you aren't allowed to hit them. Even if they lie to you, steal your stuff, or otherwise do something off the wall morally wrong. You are not allowed by law to hit them unless it's to defend yourself from harm. If you do, you can be arrested for assault. So, why is it okay to hit a little defenseless person? What if you do it just enough to hurt them, and teach that neighbor of yours you mean business? Is that legal? No. So why is it legal to do it to a child. Hitting is hitting.
Before, all of you think that I am on my high horse, I will admit to using spanking a handful of times with my 2 oldest. I stopped, because it seemed not only ineffective, but it seemed to make their behavior worse. I set out to find another way.
Different things work for different kids. All kids respond to some form of positive behavior reinforcement . Maybe, some need more redirection, frequent rewards and support than others, but they all respond to it. No matter how stubborn, ornery, or different you think your child is, I guarantee you they will respond to some sort of positive behavior plan. Everyone does. When we don't go to work our boss doesn't come over to our house and hit us. We simply pay the natural consequences of that decision. I try to mirror that as much as I can with my kids. I try to relate any punishment or reward to the actual behavior itself. If they don't do their chores, they won't get their stars on their chart, and they won't have money. The same with if we don't earn income. I don't buy them a lot of stuff. If they want toys and games, they have to earn it themselves. They don't throw fits at the store, because unless it's a special occasion they aren't expecting a toy. When I say no, I mean no. Every time, always. You throw a fit about my answer, you lose privileges. Consistently. I don't yell. I don't threaten. I state my expectation and they know I mean what I am saying, because I am consistent in following through. A lot of the time I see kids having bad behavior, because the parents reinforce it. Do you go back on previous no's, because you don't want to hear the whining? Do you let your child behave badly until you finally explode and yell, instead of getting the situation taken care of immediately? Are you inconsistent on rules? Letting them sometimes do things that are against the rules, because it's easier for you in that moment, than to exert the energy to correct them? When they fail to do something in real life, say at school, do you rush to bail them out, or do you let them handle the consequences of their own behaviors?
Conversely, when your children do something right, do you tell them? Eg; "great job making your bed, getting a good grade, helping a friend.."
Do you always stand up for them when it's warranted showing them that you have their back? Eg; The school is treating your special needs child in a way that is unfair, so you put your own feelings of shyness, busyness, ect... aside and take care of the matter.
Do you allow them times and space to be them, instead of micromanaging their time and activities? Eg; allowing them time to watch tv and be on the computer without huge time constraints, ect...
Do you allow them the individual freedom to choose, even if it's you don't agree with their decision (age appropriately, of course)? Eg; Allowing them to choose their own fashion, sports, friends, ect..
These are all examples of fostering a child's well being in a sense that allows them to feel good about themselves, and the world around them. When a child feels safe, secure and grounded they have the better tools to choose their behavior, rather than going on a series of impulsive reactions.
So, what is your preferred method of discipline? (Please note that I won't delete any comments, but I also won't respond to nasty ones, either)
And above all, please remember:
Punish the behavior, not the child!
So, what does science say about spanking? One recent study showed a clear association with
"the proportion of illnesses such as depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse as well as personality disorders that may be attributable to physical punishment".
Another states
" Despite American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations to the contrary, most parents in the United States approve of and have used CP as a form of child discipline. The current findings suggest that even minor forms of CP, such as spanking, increase risk for increased child aggressive behavior. Importantly, these findings cannot be attributed to possible confounding effects of a host of other maternal parenting risk factors."
Those are just a couple of the studies that have shown that spanking isn't beneficial to any child for any reason, for any age. I can't find one study that says it is. If you have one, please share it with me. The interesting thing to me is, even though it is not recommended by any expert that knows anything about child development, the studies say parents continue to do it anyway. This leads me to believe that we don't have enough information and know how to discipline differently. As humans we do what we know, even if it's not effective. We're creatures of habit and tradition.
My other issue with hitting kids (and make no mistake anytime you spank your child it IS by definition hitting them) is that it's illegal to hit anyone else, so why are children not afforded the same right? If your spouse, neighbor, or waiter pisses you off you aren't allowed to hit them. Even if they lie to you, steal your stuff, or otherwise do something off the wall morally wrong. You are not allowed by law to hit them unless it's to defend yourself from harm. If you do, you can be arrested for assault. So, why is it okay to hit a little defenseless person? What if you do it just enough to hurt them, and teach that neighbor of yours you mean business? Is that legal? No. So why is it legal to do it to a child. Hitting is hitting.
Before, all of you think that I am on my high horse, I will admit to using spanking a handful of times with my 2 oldest. I stopped, because it seemed not only ineffective, but it seemed to make their behavior worse. I set out to find another way.
Different things work for different kids. All kids respond to some form of positive behavior reinforcement . Maybe, some need more redirection, frequent rewards and support than others, but they all respond to it. No matter how stubborn, ornery, or different you think your child is, I guarantee you they will respond to some sort of positive behavior plan. Everyone does. When we don't go to work our boss doesn't come over to our house and hit us. We simply pay the natural consequences of that decision. I try to mirror that as much as I can with my kids. I try to relate any punishment or reward to the actual behavior itself. If they don't do their chores, they won't get their stars on their chart, and they won't have money. The same with if we don't earn income. I don't buy them a lot of stuff. If they want toys and games, they have to earn it themselves. They don't throw fits at the store, because unless it's a special occasion they aren't expecting a toy. When I say no, I mean no. Every time, always. You throw a fit about my answer, you lose privileges. Consistently. I don't yell. I don't threaten. I state my expectation and they know I mean what I am saying, because I am consistent in following through. A lot of the time I see kids having bad behavior, because the parents reinforce it. Do you go back on previous no's, because you don't want to hear the whining? Do you let your child behave badly until you finally explode and yell, instead of getting the situation taken care of immediately? Are you inconsistent on rules? Letting them sometimes do things that are against the rules, because it's easier for you in that moment, than to exert the energy to correct them? When they fail to do something in real life, say at school, do you rush to bail them out, or do you let them handle the consequences of their own behaviors?Conversely, when your children do something right, do you tell them? Eg; "great job making your bed, getting a good grade, helping a friend.."
Do you always stand up for them when it's warranted showing them that you have their back? Eg; The school is treating your special needs child in a way that is unfair, so you put your own feelings of shyness, busyness, ect... aside and take care of the matter.
Do you allow them times and space to be them, instead of micromanaging their time and activities? Eg; allowing them time to watch tv and be on the computer without huge time constraints, ect...
Do you allow them the individual freedom to choose, even if it's you don't agree with their decision (age appropriately, of course)? Eg; Allowing them to choose their own fashion, sports, friends, ect..
These are all examples of fostering a child's well being in a sense that allows them to feel good about themselves, and the world around them. When a child feels safe, secure and grounded they have the better tools to choose their behavior, rather than going on a series of impulsive reactions.
So, what is your preferred method of discipline? (Please note that I won't delete any comments, but I also won't respond to nasty ones, either)
And above all, please remember:
Punish the behavior, not the child!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Disobedience or Ethical Nonconformist?
I'm sure that many of you are aware of the Milgram Experiment where the subjects of an experiment thought that they were shocking someone in another room on the orders of a scientist, sometimes up to lethal levels. There was no real harm (no shocks were administered) involved, but the subjects didn't know that. The experiment was to see how regular people behave in the face of what they perceive to be authority. The experiment was repeated recently in this program that I watched on the Discovery Channel How Evil Are You . The subjects fared even worse in the realm of empathy for the person "being shocked" than they did years ago in Milgram's experiment. They went further, questioned the scientist less, and only one (that I recall) stuck with their own ethics and what they knew to be the right thing to do. All the rest said they didn't want to keep shocking the other person, but did so unless a peer was introduced at the same time to back them up. Almost none wanted to go against the grain and be a nonconformist.
I saw this type of thing play out on my own life about 2 or 3 years ago. Every seven years or so we have to take the boys to get re-eveluated to keep their developmental disability services. The state requires us to take them to a psychologist so that they can be tested for IQ and well as ASD. Of course, they still have autism every time, so I find it to be ridiculous, but....not what this post is about! We made an appointment with one of the approved psychs listed.
When we got there it was one of those older style Victorian houses that was turned into an office. First visual clue to me that this might not be as professional of an operation as an actual office building. We get paperwork started. As we sit in the waiting area a very old man peeks out and tells the couple sitting near us that he's done. They go in and carry out what I assume is their daughter. She has some kind of muscle disease and appears unable to really move her body willfully, or speak. Second red flag. Why did he need to be alone with a child that cannot speak or communicate? They had the same papers as we did, so they were there for the same reasons we were. I doubt he had some kind of communication system set up with her and there was no keyboard or PECs or anything to suggest otherwise that I saw.This is was likely the first time he's met her. The whole situation didn't make sense and my aspie brain does not like nonsensical things.When I encounter nonsensical things in my everyday environment it causes my brain to freeze and inquire as to why. Things that don't fit together have a reason, even if it's a small detail. My brain detects this and sees this as important. I'm am not a see the forest for the trees thinker.
He asks for me to come in without Bubby to asnwer some questions. When I say that this man is old, I mean he is (and the secretary mentioned his age, so this is verified) in his eighties. I was looking around to see if he still owned a copy of The Empty Fortress! That was I'm sure the standard for autism when he was in school. He asked me a few questions, and said he thought it was Asperger's. I told him he had not even met my son yet. How can he know? Every answer I gave that pointed otherwise he would try to get me to change it back to verify his already made hypothesis! I tried to politely explain that Bubby has a speech delay that is still present and should exclude him from an Asperger diagnosis. He then asked for Bubby to come in. Hubby followed him in and sat down. The doctor asked us to leave so that he could be alone to ask Bubby questions. My husband immediately hopped up to leave. I did not. I politely told him that I would rather stay in the room. He told me I could not. My husband left in a nervous hurry at the doctor's very irritable insistence that we leave. I repeated myself. He then exclaimed "What do you think is going to happen?" very loudly and angrily. I repeated myself again. I was not moving. He went on to ask Bubby questions that were way above his level of language to answer. He was also reading off of a sheet that he printed from a well known AS website. Not a real clinical checklist. Nope. It was as if he read Bubby's file and decided it was to be AS before we even got there.
When we left the office, my husband immediately said to me, "What did he do to make you distrust him so much? It must have been bad!" My first response to this was to think, wow, so you know that this person did something seriously over the line, yet you were going to leave your child with him anyway? He said he knew he shouldn't. He said he knew if I said it was dangerous then it was a bad idea, but he said he didn't feel as if he had a choice. He didn't know you could just refuse to do what the doctor said, despite his own judgment about the situation. He simply said that he was unable to explain why he did what he did despite the his ability to know it was not a good choice, even at the time.
I watch a lot of these sorts of social experiment shows. I like to people watch. I always find it fascinating that people do what they do in the name of social conformity. Not that it is always a bad thing. We would not be a society like we are if people didn't. There are good and bad sides of conformity. The same with being a nonconformist. Us nonconformists question when others wouldn't. We ask why. You know how every kid goes through the why stage? I went through it something fierce. My mother, who likes to pretend she has the patience of a saint said, and I quote "Your why stage was so bad that it would make anyone want to jump out of a moving vehicle to get away from the questions." I never stopped, really. I still question what doesn't make sense to me, and I will likely never stop!
I saw this type of thing play out on my own life about 2 or 3 years ago. Every seven years or so we have to take the boys to get re-eveluated to keep their developmental disability services. The state requires us to take them to a psychologist so that they can be tested for IQ and well as ASD. Of course, they still have autism every time, so I find it to be ridiculous, but....not what this post is about! We made an appointment with one of the approved psychs listed.
When we got there it was one of those older style Victorian houses that was turned into an office. First visual clue to me that this might not be as professional of an operation as an actual office building. We get paperwork started. As we sit in the waiting area a very old man peeks out and tells the couple sitting near us that he's done. They go in and carry out what I assume is their daughter. She has some kind of muscle disease and appears unable to really move her body willfully, or speak. Second red flag. Why did he need to be alone with a child that cannot speak or communicate? They had the same papers as we did, so they were there for the same reasons we were. I doubt he had some kind of communication system set up with her and there was no keyboard or PECs or anything to suggest otherwise that I saw.This is was likely the first time he's met her. The whole situation didn't make sense and my aspie brain does not like nonsensical things.When I encounter nonsensical things in my everyday environment it causes my brain to freeze and inquire as to why. Things that don't fit together have a reason, even if it's a small detail. My brain detects this and sees this as important. I'm am not a see the forest for the trees thinker.
He asks for me to come in without Bubby to asnwer some questions. When I say that this man is old, I mean he is (and the secretary mentioned his age, so this is verified) in his eighties. I was looking around to see if he still owned a copy of The Empty Fortress! That was I'm sure the standard for autism when he was in school. He asked me a few questions, and said he thought it was Asperger's. I told him he had not even met my son yet. How can he know? Every answer I gave that pointed otherwise he would try to get me to change it back to verify his already made hypothesis! I tried to politely explain that Bubby has a speech delay that is still present and should exclude him from an Asperger diagnosis. He then asked for Bubby to come in. Hubby followed him in and sat down. The doctor asked us to leave so that he could be alone to ask Bubby questions. My husband immediately hopped up to leave. I did not. I politely told him that I would rather stay in the room. He told me I could not. My husband left in a nervous hurry at the doctor's very irritable insistence that we leave. I repeated myself. He then exclaimed "What do you think is going to happen?" very loudly and angrily. I repeated myself again. I was not moving. He went on to ask Bubby questions that were way above his level of language to answer. He was also reading off of a sheet that he printed from a well known AS website. Not a real clinical checklist. Nope. It was as if he read Bubby's file and decided it was to be AS before we even got there.
When we left the office, my husband immediately said to me, "What did he do to make you distrust him so much? It must have been bad!" My first response to this was to think, wow, so you know that this person did something seriously over the line, yet you were going to leave your child with him anyway? He said he knew he shouldn't. He said he knew if I said it was dangerous then it was a bad idea, but he said he didn't feel as if he had a choice. He didn't know you could just refuse to do what the doctor said, despite his own judgment about the situation. He simply said that he was unable to explain why he did what he did despite the his ability to know it was not a good choice, even at the time.
I watch a lot of these sorts of social experiment shows. I like to people watch. I always find it fascinating that people do what they do in the name of social conformity. Not that it is always a bad thing. We would not be a society like we are if people didn't. There are good and bad sides of conformity. The same with being a nonconformist. Us nonconformists question when others wouldn't. We ask why. You know how every kid goes through the why stage? I went through it something fierce. My mother, who likes to pretend she has the patience of a saint said, and I quote "Your why stage was so bad that it would make anyone want to jump out of a moving vehicle to get away from the questions." I never stopped, really. I still question what doesn't make sense to me, and I will likely never stop!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Overcoming Negative Thinking Patterns With #Aspergers
Here in the last few years especially I have been trying to get rid of old, outdated thinking patterns and usher in some new ones. I've not got it figured out, by far, but one thing I am absolutely certain of, changing our most automatic behaviors is hard. It is really difficult to do. If it weren't, let's be honest we'd all do what we know in our most rational moments to be the best all the time. We'd never have an emotional reaction that snuck up on us and took our logic away, causing us to say and do things we regret later.
I have not been anywhere near entirely successful in dealing with some of my most ingrained automatic negative thoughts and behaviors. I'm sure that my husband would testify to that. I, however, have been able to start the process. I have made some tweaks, and had a few successes, even if they were minute, or short lived.
I have a lot of issues with negative beliefs about myself, and subsequently my behavior is negative. Some of these things were borne out of a childhood where I was not supported, loved or cherished consistently. Some of them are probably just my personal way of dealing with things, while quite a lot of it I suspect is from my neurology. There seems to be quite a lot of people with AS that struggle with self-soothing. I tend to be the most rational, grown up, logical level headed person you ever meet 98% of the time. I am so predictable and methodical I make everyone crazy with it. However, there's that 1% of the time where I've had too much routine change, or sensory input, or some other issue with executive functioning and I go into sobbing meltdown. This is not logical. It is the opposite. It's emotional overload.
Then, you have the other 1% of the time where I have jumped off of the deep end into the negative assumption pool. This is where my terrible self esteem causes real problems other than making me feel bad. This is when I cannot help but assume that others are out to get me, because they think just as badly of me, as I do myself. This 1% of the time I feel everything in my environment is a reflection of me. It's a sort of sad, negative, bleak self centered way of being. Like it or not, it's probably mild depression. Depression has a way of turning everything into something personal. Everything around us when we are feeling depressed is somehow about us, or going to negatively affect us. Fights with spouses, and friends are easy to come by when you have depression glasses on. After all, everything they do is a result of how they feel about you, when you feel this way. They might be late, because they don't see you as important, or that friend didn't wave at you, because they don't like you anymore, or your boss didn't tell you you did a good job with whatever task, because they think you're a failure. The possibilities to link yourself to your environment are endless when in this frame of mind.
For me, I can get to where I need a release. I need to get it out, and be reassured that I am okay and things will be okay. I turn into a child that needs consoling. My husband made a good point last night when I mentioned this to him. He said it was because a child only sees the immediate problem, whether that is not getting their way, or getting punished, or feeling lonely. In their mind they have no capacity to see that the situation is temporary, or to have the power or ability to problem solve. They can't see a future, they only see now and if the present is awful they feel it always will be. I think due to my AS and my parents not giving my the reassurance and care I needed I never really developed a very good coping strategy to dealing with the situations where I feel knocked down and emotionally overwhelmed. I lash out and look for ways on the outside to alleviate it. I look for short term solutions. I problem solve with my feelings the way an 8 year old would. Thankfully, I don't get knocked into this space easily. I do however, need to find better ways of dealing with my emotions and my extreme self loathing when I do get into this space. After, researching and doing quite a bit of thinking I have come up with a little cognitive behavior exercise that I am hoping will help. I've tried it a couple of times and it seems to be helping so far. I will share it, in case it may be of help to anyone else.
So, here goes... the CBT-type exercise I came up with for myself. Of course, I am not a doctor, and have not professional training in CBT. I am just offering up my experience.
Thought: This is where you list the thoughts/feelings that is causing you discomfort. Example: I can't go to the party, because I am fat, or I can't do the project. I know I will fail and people will laugh. This should be only a few short sentences, if that.
Consequences Of Thought/feelings: This is where you would list how this thought makes you feel and what consequences of it will be. For example: we may avoid people and miss opportunities due to irrational beliefs, or the thought may cause so much stress that we will feel depressed and waste a day moping.
Past Occurrences That Are Similar: Here you would want to think of a time in your past (childhood if applicable) where this thought or feeling occurred. Then, list a recent time where this thought, or feeling occurred. This helps you to see why the behavior might be there. It probably served a purpose way back when, but if you look at a recent occurrence of the same behaviors you might see how it's no longer working. This is important for me, because it helps me to see the logic behind my emotions, as well as pulls me back in. I can look at the recent occurrence and see how I handled it then, and realize I'll get the same result if I keep on with the same thoughts and behaviors.
What evidence do I have that my thoughts or feelings are true? That one is pretty self explanatory.
Is it Helpful to carry this pattern of thinking into the present? Here again, pretty straighforward question that you can probably figure out from the last 2 questions quite easily.
Why or Why not? If no, then come up with an alternative belief, or action to do instead of the old pattern of behavior.
I have not been anywhere near entirely successful in dealing with some of my most ingrained automatic negative thoughts and behaviors. I'm sure that my husband would testify to that. I, however, have been able to start the process. I have made some tweaks, and had a few successes, even if they were minute, or short lived.
I have a lot of issues with negative beliefs about myself, and subsequently my behavior is negative. Some of these things were borne out of a childhood where I was not supported, loved or cherished consistently. Some of them are probably just my personal way of dealing with things, while quite a lot of it I suspect is from my neurology. There seems to be quite a lot of people with AS that struggle with self-soothing. I tend to be the most rational, grown up, logical level headed person you ever meet 98% of the time. I am so predictable and methodical I make everyone crazy with it. However, there's that 1% of the time where I've had too much routine change, or sensory input, or some other issue with executive functioning and I go into sobbing meltdown. This is not logical. It is the opposite. It's emotional overload.
Then, you have the other 1% of the time where I have jumped off of the deep end into the negative assumption pool. This is where my terrible self esteem causes real problems other than making me feel bad. This is when I cannot help but assume that others are out to get me, because they think just as badly of me, as I do myself. This 1% of the time I feel everything in my environment is a reflection of me. It's a sort of sad, negative, bleak self centered way of being. Like it or not, it's probably mild depression. Depression has a way of turning everything into something personal. Everything around us when we are feeling depressed is somehow about us, or going to negatively affect us. Fights with spouses, and friends are easy to come by when you have depression glasses on. After all, everything they do is a result of how they feel about you, when you feel this way. They might be late, because they don't see you as important, or that friend didn't wave at you, because they don't like you anymore, or your boss didn't tell you you did a good job with whatever task, because they think you're a failure. The possibilities to link yourself to your environment are endless when in this frame of mind.
For me, I can get to where I need a release. I need to get it out, and be reassured that I am okay and things will be okay. I turn into a child that needs consoling. My husband made a good point last night when I mentioned this to him. He said it was because a child only sees the immediate problem, whether that is not getting their way, or getting punished, or feeling lonely. In their mind they have no capacity to see that the situation is temporary, or to have the power or ability to problem solve. They can't see a future, they only see now and if the present is awful they feel it always will be. I think due to my AS and my parents not giving my the reassurance and care I needed I never really developed a very good coping strategy to dealing with the situations where I feel knocked down and emotionally overwhelmed. I lash out and look for ways on the outside to alleviate it. I look for short term solutions. I problem solve with my feelings the way an 8 year old would. Thankfully, I don't get knocked into this space easily. I do however, need to find better ways of dealing with my emotions and my extreme self loathing when I do get into this space. After, researching and doing quite a bit of thinking I have come up with a little cognitive behavior exercise that I am hoping will help. I've tried it a couple of times and it seems to be helping so far. I will share it, in case it may be of help to anyone else.
So, here goes... the CBT-type exercise I came up with for myself. Of course, I am not a doctor, and have not professional training in CBT. I am just offering up my experience.
Thought: This is where you list the thoughts/feelings that is causing you discomfort. Example: I can't go to the party, because I am fat, or I can't do the project. I know I will fail and people will laugh. This should be only a few short sentences, if that.
Consequences Of Thought/feelings: This is where you would list how this thought makes you feel and what consequences of it will be. For example: we may avoid people and miss opportunities due to irrational beliefs, or the thought may cause so much stress that we will feel depressed and waste a day moping.
Past Occurrences That Are Similar: Here you would want to think of a time in your past (childhood if applicable) where this thought or feeling occurred. Then, list a recent time where this thought, or feeling occurred. This helps you to see why the behavior might be there. It probably served a purpose way back when, but if you look at a recent occurrence of the same behaviors you might see how it's no longer working. This is important for me, because it helps me to see the logic behind my emotions, as well as pulls me back in. I can look at the recent occurrence and see how I handled it then, and realize I'll get the same result if I keep on with the same thoughts and behaviors.
What evidence do I have that my thoughts or feelings are true? That one is pretty self explanatory.
Is it Helpful to carry this pattern of thinking into the present? Here again, pretty straighforward question that you can probably figure out from the last 2 questions quite easily.
Why or Why not? If no, then come up with an alternative belief, or action to do instead of the old pattern of behavior.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Feeling Overwhelmed By Negativity
I'm not sure where this post is going, or how to begin in the first place. It's partly formed inside of my head, but mostly it's just a big ball of emotion that I am untangling as I move along. I think blogging might help me to untangle it more, thus freeing me up to be able to feel unhindered, because right now I do feel hindered, and weighed down a little bit.
There is this thing that seems to drive a lot of human behavior. I don't know what it is called, or even if it has a name. It seems to be a sort of cohesion within groups that moves people together united in a common goal. I don't understand it. I don't like to be involved in it. I feel completely overwhelmed when people around me are engaging in it. This is not just as autistic thing, because I have seen autistics engage in this form of socializing as well.
I can try to describe what I mean with examples.
Usually, this phenomenon begins with an accusation of outrage. Someone has done or said something that is upsetting to someone else. They then claim outrage. They take this outrage to friends, who also claim outrage and now the drama is on. They are united in a common cause against this insult, this injustice, this miscarriage of humanity. They want the perpetrator of the insult to recant, to retract, to absolve their words and the harm they have inflicted with their words, or actions. They form a mob that will not let up until their attention gets turned somewhere else.
There is also the lesser form of the same behavior. Where there is something said (I'm going to use autism here, because that is the community that I am involved in, but I think this sort of thing isn't limited to the ASD community) in a book, or a news article about autism and the community goes wild with accusations of 'stereotyping' and 'prejudice' because what was said does not fit the definition for their own autism, or their child's. No matter, that the spectrum is broad and that it may fit others, usually quite a lot more severe than themselves. It's as if no one is allowed to have an opinion, or use descriptive terms about ASD unless it is all inclusive of the whole spectrum, even those with Asperger's. I find that to be an impossibility most of the time. The spectrum is wide and varied. I also know that those same people will likely have all kinds of negative things to say about the way I used 'severe' to describe autism, because anymore there seems to be no way to describe anything within the autism community without being judged as this or that, or as being pushing stereotypes. I was on board the autistic's rights movement, until it derailed into this mess of no one being allowed to even speak for fear of being a target of voracious arguments.
When I am in the midst of this much negativity and complaints I soak it up like a sponge. No matter how much I try not to, I still do. I feel heavy, and emotional. I get so weighed down in the negativity that I can't function all that well. I don't like this feeling. I'd rather be building up what I think is right, rather than finding what I feel is wrong and making it my mission to out this wrong. For someone who has a history of depression my brain can only handle so much, before I start to feel down and out by it all.
Like, last winter my husband was not as busy with work as he usually is. The brought with it financial woes, but also time on his hands. He chose to watch the news with quite a bit of this extra time. So, here is someone who is already sensitive to negativity due to life circumstances watching 24 hour news networks where there is always something bad happening. He started to become even more depressed and outraged the more bad stuff he saw. Everyday, there is no shortage of injustices for the media to report, and they make it a point to keep us upset and fearful, so that the drama and suspense keeps us coming back for more. I finally had to tell him to shut it off and find something else to do with his time. He was getting too wrapped up in the drama and it was not doing him, our family or the world any good to dwell on all that negativity.
I am starting to feel that way with my autism newsfeeds. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with all the negativity from all the bad things that can, do, or might happen. The drama that is always present, because there is always someone in the media somewhere that said something that was un-pc about autism. It's not that I think it's okay for people to say bad things about autism, but I can;t let myself get worked up every time someone disagrees with the way I see the world. There's simply too much good to be doing for me to do that. You know the saying "Some people look for fault like there is a prize for finding it"? That is how I am feeling about a lot of the things I'm seeing in the ASD community lately. I have unliked pages and hidden quite a few. I won't argue. I will just simply redirect my attention. This is what I need to do in order to maintain my own sense of wellness.
There is this thing that seems to drive a lot of human behavior. I don't know what it is called, or even if it has a name. It seems to be a sort of cohesion within groups that moves people together united in a common goal. I don't understand it. I don't like to be involved in it. I feel completely overwhelmed when people around me are engaging in it. This is not just as autistic thing, because I have seen autistics engage in this form of socializing as well.
I can try to describe what I mean with examples.
Usually, this phenomenon begins with an accusation of outrage. Someone has done or said something that is upsetting to someone else. They then claim outrage. They take this outrage to friends, who also claim outrage and now the drama is on. They are united in a common cause against this insult, this injustice, this miscarriage of humanity. They want the perpetrator of the insult to recant, to retract, to absolve their words and the harm they have inflicted with their words, or actions. They form a mob that will not let up until their attention gets turned somewhere else.
There is also the lesser form of the same behavior. Where there is something said (I'm going to use autism here, because that is the community that I am involved in, but I think this sort of thing isn't limited to the ASD community) in a book, or a news article about autism and the community goes wild with accusations of 'stereotyping' and 'prejudice' because what was said does not fit the definition for their own autism, or their child's. No matter, that the spectrum is broad and that it may fit others, usually quite a lot more severe than themselves. It's as if no one is allowed to have an opinion, or use descriptive terms about ASD unless it is all inclusive of the whole spectrum, even those with Asperger's. I find that to be an impossibility most of the time. The spectrum is wide and varied. I also know that those same people will likely have all kinds of negative things to say about the way I used 'severe' to describe autism, because anymore there seems to be no way to describe anything within the autism community without being judged as this or that, or as being pushing stereotypes. I was on board the autistic's rights movement, until it derailed into this mess of no one being allowed to even speak for fear of being a target of voracious arguments.
When I am in the midst of this much negativity and complaints I soak it up like a sponge. No matter how much I try not to, I still do. I feel heavy, and emotional. I get so weighed down in the negativity that I can't function all that well. I don't like this feeling. I'd rather be building up what I think is right, rather than finding what I feel is wrong and making it my mission to out this wrong. For someone who has a history of depression my brain can only handle so much, before I start to feel down and out by it all.
Like, last winter my husband was not as busy with work as he usually is. The brought with it financial woes, but also time on his hands. He chose to watch the news with quite a bit of this extra time. So, here is someone who is already sensitive to negativity due to life circumstances watching 24 hour news networks where there is always something bad happening. He started to become even more depressed and outraged the more bad stuff he saw. Everyday, there is no shortage of injustices for the media to report, and they make it a point to keep us upset and fearful, so that the drama and suspense keeps us coming back for more. I finally had to tell him to shut it off and find something else to do with his time. He was getting too wrapped up in the drama and it was not doing him, our family or the world any good to dwell on all that negativity.
I am starting to feel that way with my autism newsfeeds. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with all the negativity from all the bad things that can, do, or might happen. The drama that is always present, because there is always someone in the media somewhere that said something that was un-pc about autism. It's not that I think it's okay for people to say bad things about autism, but I can;t let myself get worked up every time someone disagrees with the way I see the world. There's simply too much good to be doing for me to do that. You know the saying "Some people look for fault like there is a prize for finding it"? That is how I am feeling about a lot of the things I'm seeing in the ASD community lately. I have unliked pages and hidden quite a few. I won't argue. I will just simply redirect my attention. This is what I need to do in order to maintain my own sense of wellness.
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