Saturday, August 3, 2013

Losing Beans- Last night's bad dream

Last night I had one of those dreams that you wake up from sobbing. At first, I thought that the meaning was pretty straight forward, but after thinking on it, and looking up some of the main themes in my dream dictionary I quickly realized the meaning was much deeper than I originally thought.

In my dream, I was sitting around with some friends that I used to have when I was a teenager. We were back at my hometown, doing fun things that 14 year old girls do, except I was not 14.  I was the same age I am now. It was nostalgic, and I was having a really nice time. Then, it was evening and we were sitting by a pool. The next thing I know Beans has disappeared. I can't find him anywhere. Panic sets in, as I look for him.

Then, I am in a sort of haze, or something. It was like I was unconscious, and had woke up. I asked some people around me where Beans was, hoping it had been a dream, or he had been found, but they confirmed what was my worst fear... he was still lost. They said he had wandered into a nearby forest. I held back my tears, as I asked how long had this been the case. Two or three weeks was their reply, and with that I knew. I knew he was gone, likely forever, and I just kept saying "Oh man, oh man. no." as I sobbed, and sobbed. I think I made a few attempts at following up, but I knew it was pretty final. He was gone, and that was that.

I tried to move on, but life felt so empty. I tried to keep things
as normal as possible for my other kids (which really weren't even my kids in my dream) but it all felt so wrong without Beans. I stopped by a local park with a trampoline for them to play on. I found some slippers. I tried them on, since I was barefoot. They weren't right. Suddenly, finding myself in various situations barefoot is a very common dream theme of mine since I was very little. My husband suddenly was there, telling me they were mine, but I got very angry, shouting that they were fuzzy, and I don't ever wear fuzzy slippers.  That was pretty much all that I remember.

So, let's break this down into what I think it means.

First, I am beginning the dream from the past. I am in a time that I remember having a lot of fun, before my life got to be very unstable, and sad.  This would suggest to me that I am feeling like I need a break, perhaps. I am having a sleepover with a friend, and sitting poolside, which is a very sociable, fun activity meant for relaxation. Furthering the feeling of freedom, and winding down is that it's evening in the dream. It's not quite night, but it definitely isn't day. This is also pointing at the end of a cycle, or change. I'm having fun, and I distinctly remember the feeling of feeling as if I deserve to have this time to myself. I do feel that because of poor parenting, which exacerbated my anxiety and depression this was one of the last times I really did have fun in real life, was with this person having sleeping overs. This was a free from responsibility type of fun.

I am having all this fun, and I somehow forget to look after Beans. I don't know where my other kids are in this dream. They are never there. I don't know that it matter since they can pretty much hold their own, so to speak. Beans, otoh, can't. He needs a lot of supervision. Next thing I know he is there with me, having fun swimming, which I was super careful about watching him while he was doing to just gone. In my dream, I thought for sure he HAD to be in the water. I knew he was there. and made people look there first, over and over.

For some reason, there is a time lapse. It was like I went unconscious for awhile for some reason. I was came to consciousness, almost in a panic, but also with hesitancy. I asked where Beans was, really hoping that he had been found during my lapse in consciousness. Their reply was that he walked into the forest that was by the pool, and not seen again. I don't know where the forest came from, or how anyone even knew he had gone into the forest, but it was just assumed that he did. It seemed more like a fact, but one in which I couldn't quite grasp, because I didn't see it myself.  I knew  that this was final. He was gone. Different dream dictionaries say different things about forests, but the general meaning is that it is one of complete confusion, and loss. It was assumed he was gone, but the word dead was never used. Just gone. I think this meaning is one of transition that I have spoken of recently, combined with my complete loss as to how to deal with it. As I looked through some old photographs the other day I saw that in every one Beans was just happy as a lark. He was always such a cheerful little guy, but recently that has given way to a more sullen, moody tween Beans. I will be honest, I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. I am also afraid that my happy little boy is gone forever, and replaced with an angry, moody, difficult person. At first, I thought this moodiness was just a phase, but now I am seeing that it is more than that, because just like in the dream I have verified that the status has not changed in quite awhile. It feels final. I can't even write this without the sad heaviness that I felt in the dream coming up.

In the next part, I take kids to jump on a trampoline, as I sit nearby completely inundated by my grief. I am unable to see any point to life anymore without my Beans. I wonder how others go on from this sort of tragedy. Trampoline represent not only making time for childlike fun, but also the ability to have resiliency, or to bounce back from emotional, or difficult situations. I think I am needing to find a way to do that, because it felt like a foreign thing to me in the dream.

As I was leaving the trampoline, I come across a pair of slippers. It was only then that I realize I was barefoot. Out of nowhere, my husband appears. He tells me that those are my slippers, and that makes me very angry. I feel insulted that he doesn't know me better than that. Being barefoot can mean a lot of things, but for me I think it means feeling very insecure, exposed with low self esteem. This has been a very, very common theme in my dreams ever since I can remember, and coincidentally, my biggest issue in life is horribly low self esteem that undermines all that I do.  My husband is encouraging me to relax, take it easy, and wear the slippers, but for me... I feel that they're not mine. That is not me.  I am not a fun loving, fuzzy warm spontaneous person, and feel that he is asking me to be someone I am not.

I think overall, the dream is telling me to relax more. Let the past go, and seek solutions for Beans. I think it highlights my fear that I may never get to relax, and have fun again now that Beans is having so many issues. It was a sad dream, but one that I feel highlighted some deeply buried concerns that I need to address.

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