Ouch! That Hurt My Ego!

In my last post I talked about not only fearing, but expecting rejection, and another recent post I spoke about feeling almost depressed, and needing a break.

I think I see a pattern here.

In sharp contrast to me almost rock solid confidence in the recent post about letting go of preconceived notions of limits post I wrote just a few weeks ago I see a decline in mood. I see a decline in energy, which shakes my confidence up, leaving me feeling like maybe I don't got this.

I'm noting my ego is easily bruised by things that I usually would just let slide. I'm sensitive. My physical body is ill. My stomach is in knots,

Expecting Rejection-How can I stop?

Last night Hubby, and I went out on a date, as we do most Friday nights. I know that is like a dream for most parents, much less special needs parents. I am aware of how lucky I am to have this opportunity to go out for a few hrs child free with my husband. However, it rarely ends well, or is even enjoyable.

Last night was another failed attempt. It wasn't a total waste, but it wasn't all that fun, either. We can't seem to find anything to do that we both enjoy in the time frame we have to fill. The sitter gets to our house at 7:30 and we have to drive 30 minutes into town, and be leave town by 11 PM or so. So, that leaves us with * PM-11 PM for eating and whatever we decide to do. That's roughly 3 hrs. The issue is filling those hours, My husband doesn't drink, and I don't like movies. Nothing is open for shopping, and such that late. Museums, and other places are closed. So, unless you want to be in loud, places with loud people there is not much left to do. Parks are okay, but not terribly safe to be sitting in late at night.

My mood is our biggest barrier. I get excited about going out. I look forward to it, but then once we are out around people I just want to go home.

The Hateful Letter, #Narcissism, and #Bullies

I have been asked by more than one person to do a blog post on my opinion about the letter that was anonymously written and delivered to a Canadian family last weekend. I have been reluctant to do so for a few reasons. None of which are popular with the autism community, so I tend to stay out of these conflicts. I wish I could respond like everyone else, and have an emotional reaction that outweighs my logic on these sorts of events, but I don't. I've been a lot of places in my life, and seen a lot of things. More so than the average person in respects to places that most would call unpleasant, dysfunctional, and dangerous. It's these experiences that have left me with a realistic view of people. Some people are not nice. Some are sometimes. Most are most of the time, and a small fraction of people are so dark that they are devoid of any human conscience at all.

Bigotry and #Autism Advocacy- The (undefined) line we all think we avoid crossing

If you follow me on my page, or on this blog you will know that I am passionate about autism, civil rights, and just plain advocating for the equality for all, because to me, everyone matters. I tend to limit these views to my own space, because I try to not go around imposing my opinions on others. I am low drama, because  my brain doesn't really understand it very well. I freely admit this is a limitation that Asperger's has enabled within me. It's not necessarily a bad one, either. My self worth is not dependent on who likes me, who agrees with me, or any kind of group collaboration. One saying that I have had since I was in my teens before I have ever knew about AS is "I do what I do, and you do what you do." What I have always meant by this is that I am who I am, and I'm okay with my choices. As long as you're doing what makes you happy, and aren't hurting anyone, your choices aren't any of my business. My ability to remain neutral is usually logically intact before, during, and after any disagreement with a person.

I do however, occasionally get into disagreements with others about various things. This isn't hard in the autism community where the atmosphere is generally tense between opposing beliefs. What I have found that is different for me than others is how I am often treated differently due to my neurological status, if said status is disclosed to the other party.  In other words, if I am known to be autistic while I debate share my thoughts, and refuse to admit that I think I am wrong I am often accused of not understanding the social situation, or the proper social protocol.  They may insinuate that I was not sufficiently stocked with the right social stories as a child, because obviously I don't understand their point of view. I was not taught manners. Or, maybe I am just too rigid in my thinking.

Feeling Overwhelmed By Negativity

I'm not sure where this post is going, or how to begin in the first place. It's partly formed inside of my head, but mostly it's just a big ball of emotion that I am untangling as I move along. I think blogging might help me to untangle it more, thus freeing me up to be able to feel unhindered, because right now I do feel hindered, and weighed down a little bit.

There is this thing that seems to drive a lot of human behavior. I don't know what it is called, or even if it has a name. It seems to be a sort of cohesion within groups that moves people together united in a common goal.  I don't understand it. I don't like to be involved in it. I feel completely overwhelmed when people around me are engaging in it. This is not just as autistic thing, because I have seen autistics engage in this form of socializing as well.

I can try to describe what I mean with examples.

Usually, this phenomenon begins with an accusation of outrage. Someone has done or said something that is upsetting to someone else. They then claim outrage. They take this outrage to friends, who also claim outrage and now the drama is on.  They are united in a common cause against this insult, this injustice, this miscarriage of humanity. They want the perpetrator of the insult to recant, to retract, to absolve their words and the harm they have inflicted with their words, or actions. They form a mob that will not let up until their attention gets turned somewhere else.

There is also the lesser form of the same behavior. Where there is something said (I'm going to use autism here, because that is the community that I am involved in, but I think this sort of thing isn't limited to the ASD community) in a book, or a news article about autism and the community goes wild with accusations of 'stereotyping' and 'prejudice' because what was said does not fit the definition for their own autism, or their child's. No matter, that the spectrum is broad and that it may fit others, usually quite a lot more severe than themselves.  It's as if no one is allowed to have an opinion, or use descriptive terms about ASD unless it is all inclusive of the whole spectrum, even those with Asperger's. I find that to be an impossibility most of the time.  The spectrum is wide and varied.  I also know that those same people will likely have all kinds of negative things to say about the way I used 'severe' to describe autism, because anymore there seems to be no way to describe anything within the autism community without being judged as this or that, or as being pushing stereotypes. I was on board the autistic's rights movement, until it derailed into this mess of no one being allowed to even speak for fear of being a target of voracious arguments.

When I am in the midst of this much negativity and complaints I soak it up like a sponge. No matter how much I try not to, I still do.  I feel heavy, and emotional. I get so weighed down in the negativity that I can't function all that well. I don't like this feeling. I'd rather be building up what I think is right, rather than finding what I feel is wrong and making it my mission to out this wrong.  For someone who has a history of depression my brain can only handle so much, before I start to feel down and out by it all.

Like, last winter my husband was not as busy with work as he usually is. The brought with it financial woes, but also time on his hands. He chose to watch the news with quite a bit of this extra time. So, here is someone who is already sensitive to negativity due to life circumstances watching 24 hour news networks where there is always something bad happening.  He started to become even more depressed and outraged the more bad stuff he saw. Everyday, there is no shortage of injustices for the media to report, and they make it a point to keep us upset and fearful, so that the drama and suspense keeps us coming back for more.  I finally had to tell him to shut it off and find something else to do with his time. He was getting too wrapped up in the drama and it was not doing him, our family or the world any good to dwell on all that negativity.

I am starting to feel that way with my autism newsfeeds. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with all the negativity from all the bad things that can, do, or might happen. The drama that is always present, because there is always someone in the media somewhere that said something that was un-pc about autism. It's not that I think it's okay for people to say bad things about autism, but I can;t let myself get worked up every time someone disagrees with the way I see the world. There's simply too much good to be doing for me to do that. You know the saying "Some people look for fault like there is a prize for finding it"? That is how I am feeling about a lot of the things I'm seeing in the ASD community lately.  I have unliked pages and hidden quite a few. I won't argue. I will just simply redirect my attention.  This is what I need to do in order to maintain my own sense of wellness.

Mindfulness Day- 18?- The Lies My Ego Tells Me

So, here we are on Mindfulness day 18, I think it is? I've lost count of what day it is and as I predicted I am too busy to blog often about it.  I'd love to be able to, but life gets in the way.

In these last couple weeks I have noticed something.  It's been there causing trouble this whole time, but I had been unaware of it.  As I am being more compassionate with myself and letting go of perfection thinking I have become aware of some negative thought patterns that were lurking just beneath the surface.  They required my belief to be strong that I was indeed not good at anything and less worthy than others.  They thrived off this mindset.  As I let go of these thoughts that I held as absolute truths these other negative behaviors showed themselves.  These beliefs were that since I held myself in such a negative light and saw this as nothing but the truth, then others do as well.

I approached every sentence, every action and every facial expression from other people to be somewhat malicious.  It was just an assumption that since I thought I was such an awful person others must, as well.  I felt like I was defending myself in every conversation and being on the look out for being the victim.  Something so simple as my husband asking me if I had checked the mail today when he arrived home from work could be interpreted by me as negative.  My thoughts could go something like this:
"What does he mean?" I'd pause and look for any clue that he was irritated or mad in his face.
"I should have checked the mail."
"He probably thinks I'm lazy"
"He's out at work all day and I can't even check the mail."
"I really shouldn't spend so much time _______ or ______-."
"He could probably find someone else that would do better than me."
Then, sometimes (not always) from there I will get defensive, as if he actually said these things. Then, my thoughts go from self loathing to defensiveness. I begin to think things like:
"Well, he doesn't know how hard it is to keep this house up!"
"I'd like to see him find someone who will do it better!"
From here my mood can go to any direction that's negative. I might get angry and resentful and begin to speak to my husband as if he actually said these things.  I might get depressed and whiny, or perhaps go straight for the anorexic route, where I decide I need to restrict my food, because somehow, that will fix this.

It doesn't matter which way I might go with it, because they all end up in a destination of misery.  They all start with my belief that I'm not okay. That I am defective and others know it, too.  Some of this isn't just me being irrational, because I know that as a child growing up in a dysfunctional home where I was always the scapegoat everyone really did believe that I was unworthy. There was a lot of insults and mind games that were hidden in between the lines.  This isn't really just a product of an overactive imagination.  This is the result of years of self preservation.  The issue is, is that the patterns we learn in dysfunctional families only work in that dysfunctional unit.  Everywhere else we apply them, they are a disaster!

This is a major step in freeing myself up from the cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors.  Having this revelation has enabled me to be able to question the authenticity of my assumptions that I previously held as facts, without question.  Now, I can approach life from a different angle and in doing this, get different results. I can choose to view others actions and words through a lens of positivity and kindness, assuming the best of intentions. Of course, this doesn't always mean that others do have good intentions, but I'll let them carry their own hate and negativity around.  I don't want it.  I'd rather keep my head up and move forward, instead of getting stuck in drama of what others think.  There are more important things in life to worry about than if so and so thinks this or that about me and what I'm going to do to show them they're wrong.  My ego doesn't get to call driver's seat anymore. I don't like where it takes me.

Part Of Me

There's been so much controversy here in the autism community lately about what's okay to say and who has the rights to say it.  I think that it's always best to try to not be offensive to others, but free speech is so important to me that I believe that everyone has a right to express how they feel, even if it's something I vehemently disagree with.  I still want to hear your side. I want to know what is behind those opinions, those thoughts.  Strong words usually have a story behind them. I want to hear that story and understand what has caused you to take such a strong stance.  I want to hear what makes you think that autism sucks, or why you hate it.  I want to know why some of you feel that only the parents of children with severe autism have a reason to feel angry, or the only ones that can really understand 'true' autism.

Usually, when I try to listen I get past the words to the emotions.  These emotions are strong. Sometimes, they are desperate ones. Sometimes, they are angry over lost time, money, health. Sometimes, they are sad. They are sad for what they think or even know their child endures daily. Sometimes, these emotions are from fear. Fear of who will care for their child when/if they die. Fear for the every second their child is out of their sight, because you know that in their lifetime there is a very, very, very high percentage of abuse and that teachers, carers, peers, and others will target your child due to their vulnerability.  You know that many will never understand your child.  Sometimes, it's a feeling of deep sadness, because you know your child is sad. You know how much they yearn for a friend, and to be accepted and you see that autism is what's stopping that from happening. As parents, we feel so strongly a need to take away these struggles from our kids. We want so much for them to be happy. Sometimes, the parents are just exhausted. They need sleep and they need a break.  There's so much worry that accompanies the parents of autistic children, even when they grow up. You see autism as the problem. If there were no autism, then these problems wouldn't exist.

But, autism does exist. It's a part of me and not separable from me, or my sons.  If someone gets upset about one of my autistic behaviors, I feel they are upset with me. When they hate autism, they hate a part of me. That makes it feel shameful, and bad. Like, something I need to hide away. In doing this, I have carried so much extra burden and self hate. I am now at a place in my life where I am tired of carrying it.  My neurological differences are not shameful.  They are just different. I need to put this extra weight down and relieve myself from carrying these expectations of what society says I should be.  Not because I think autism is something spectacular, but because it's part of who I am and it's not going anywhere. I may as well accept it.  I can't change it.  I can't change the fact that Beans will likely never speak, and may not even be potty trained as an adult. I can't change that Bubby may never go to sleepovers with other boys or be able to read other people's intentions. It is what it is. Some days are good. Some days aren't.  Some days coping seems to be all I can do. I always want my boys to think of themselves as someone who is loved, and deserving of the same respect everyone else is.  I want them to know that their differences may make them different, but still people of value.  I don't ever  describe the using words that are negative. I don't want them to see themselves that way and I sure as hell don't want society thinking of them that way.  Sometimes, I hate it when Beans chews up my power cord to my laptop, or pees on the floor.  I hate the situation , not the autism.  I hate when Bubby throws a fit over a routine change.  I hate the situation, not the autism.  I hate when I go to a social occasion and end up mute, not being able to join in socially, even if I want to.  I hate the situation, not my autism, and subsequently myself. 

That's my take. As I said, always happy to hear others.  Life is guaranteed to come with struggles.  Some more painful, than others. Some, seeming more unfair than others, but we all have our own. Please try to remember that when speaking to others.

Pre-meltdown

Some may be wondering about where the video I posted earlier went. I felt self conscious about it and took it down. It happened again.  It's still happening right now, as a matter of fact....

By it I mean frustrations leading to meltdown status.  I'm not yet in a meltdown, but I could so easily slip right into one, as it's close enough to taste right now.  It's that sensation of nothing be right.  How wrong it all feels. My head is hurting, my stomach is in knots, and nothing feels right.  My skin recoils from every texture, my ears feel no respite from every noise that seems to be all on max volume.  I want to run away, but have someone hug me. I want t be left alone, but talk to someone.  These are my contradictions of meltdown.  Rational thought is still present, but contained in a bubble by itself, while emotional fretting is surrounding it.  I know this is nonsensical, but it's like I can't stop it.

I don't even know when and where it began. I know I read a few things this morning that didn't sit well with me, so I tried to explain my side. I was unable to do it satisfactory, at least in a way to persuade others that my view had merit.  It snowballed from here.  It has been one of those days where everything on-line that I tried to participate in went this way.  I think a normal person would have decided it was time to pack it up for the day several hours ago and busy themselves somewhere else.  Not me. I'm not normal.  I perseverate, and I do so with vigor.  These last few days I've seen a lot of ugliness in the autism community (both from NTs and autistics). I've seen a lot of irrational behavior and assumptions that make no sense and do not fit fact.  This is not merely my view on life, but real facts.  One person's fact can easily be seen as opinion from another perspective... which I know rationally.  But, my brain can't wrap itself around such a broad concept.  My brain says, it's either one or the other.  It's black or it's white. I can't. move. on.  I'm stuck in this pool of frustration.  This frustration leads itself to criticism.  I begin to fear that maybe it's me that's wrong. My thoughts circle around this idea like this:
Maybe that person doesn't like me anymore.
I'll bet they think I'm stupid.
I probably shouldn't post/say this.
I'll bet they think I'm crazy.
I am not successful.
I don't do anything right.
People in general don't like me.
I'm not a likable person.
Maybe I ought to find something else to do with my time.
No one will miss my blog/page anyway.
They all would rather me be quiet anyway.
I have nothing to offer of value.
Maybe, I'm not autistic.
Maybe there's something really wrong with me.
Why can't I stop from feeling so bad?
Maybe, I should delete this.
Maybe, I should delete my whole blog.
Why do I waste so much time?
I'll bet my husband is going to come home and just know I wasted my whole day on perseverating over something that is really minor.
He'll be disappointed.
I'll bet everyone is in me.
Why do I let everything bother me so much?
Why do I let my thoughts get so negative?
I wish I had someone to talk to that would understand.
I wish that I could talk to someone without feeling judged.
I wish I didn't feel like such a freak.
Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow has to be better.
This is embarrassing.

That is the making of pre-meltdown.  Actual meltdown would have had lots more cussing, and my anger eventually spewing the other way to others, where I would have deleted my page, blog, or at least some people.  I did go 'unlike' some pages, but I didn't do anything big.  Remembering my mantra:
"Don't do anything permanently stupid, because you're temporarily upset. "  I figure if I can hold off on any actions for a few hours, then if I still feel the same, the action can be carried out then.
So far, I'm a little calmer....