I think I see a pattern here.
In sharp contrast to me almost rock solid confidence in the recent post about letting go of preconceived notions of limits post I wrote just a few weeks ago I see a decline in mood. I see a decline in energy, which shakes my confidence up, leaving me feeling like maybe I don't got this.
I'm noting my ego is easily bruised by things that I usually would just let slide. I'm sensitive. My physical body is ill. My stomach is in knots,
and my head is aching. These are all signs that I am not living my most authentic life. I am living in the moments of raw emotion finding my solace in unimportant things like reassurance from others, and acceptance from them that I am an okay person. These are not truths. They are just passing states that we all find ourselves in at various times. They are shaky, and subject to change.
I wondered, how did this happen? Why am I finding myself slowly, but surely spiraling down into unhealthy habits of the past?
I am guessing it's about the new changes. In the last month I have had so much change that I would never have anticipated it two months ago. I'd have told anyone who told me that I'd be homeschooling my youngest that they were mistaken. I didn't have the resources, the time, the energy, the know how, the anything that it would take to homeschool my profoundly autistic boy. Yet, it's amazing what we can suddenly be up for when our child's safety is at stake.
As soon as I announced this decision I have gotten a plethora of advice. From the behavior psych to the local advocacy center. Everyone want to help, and I am absolutely grateful that there is help available. However, sometimes it can be kinda daunting. Parenting can be odd in that everyone you meet seems to have an opinion about what methods are best. From the bank teller to your husband's coworker's wife, everyone has an idea as to what you need to do to be an effective parent. Introduce homeschooling into this equation, and people have super-opinions. They are full of facts, resources, and ideas on what you need to do.
I guess I didn't have my advice shield fully up before the advice bombs starting hitting. I think so much happening at once, as well as so much advice differing from my own thoughts started to wear me down, and leaving me vulnerable. I am not all about being in the center of an autistic child's world every moment of the day. I am the slow, and steady teacher. The add one new thing at a time, teaching with comfort, and no tears kind of teacher. I am always worried that I am overwhelming Beans. He cries when he has to do work, and runs away. This to me means that he needs to be taught differently. To others this means that he needs to get used to working. I see a child overwhelmed. They see obstinance. My philosophy couldn't be more different than most people's, and that is my sticking point. That is where I begin to doubt. The little tiny thought of, 'maybe they're all right, and I am wrong' multiplies inside my mind. Before I know it, I am sitting there living on the plan of ego, where my insecurities feed me emotional state.
That my friends, is how I got here. Now, how do I get out of this state of ego driven thoughts? I think it's time to get back to basics. That is how. It's time to be grateful for what I have in each moment. It's time to feel that I am in control of my life, because it's mine. It's time to realize that I may not always make the best decisions, but I make some good ones. Life is full of choices, and I am free to choose my own path. If it's not the one leading me to where I want to go, then I am free to make a different choice. Nothing is this permanent decision that I can never take back. Everyday is full of new possibilities, and ways to live within my values.
So, starting now I am okay with what I have chosen, and who I am. I'm not following a hardcore curriculum. I'm not putting my kids in 20 activities. I'm not a super-pinterest mom. I'm just loving each child in the moment in whatever way they need me to. That is what living an authentic life means to me.
I like that you have picked up on what it is that is making you feel this way. It can sometimes feel that these moods come out of the blue and I think it's very helpful when we can recognise what triggers these states in ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you have had a lot to think about and process. It would be hard not to feel overwhelmed with all you have dealt with. Your worries for your child and wanting to do the right thing for him are so obviously at the forefront of your mind.
What you mentioned about not wanting to "push" your child in a learning environment is also very wise, I think. My views align with yours in that regard. I have had similar conversations with my son's teachers and have explained to them that I consider it a fine line ... he can be encouraged to stretch himself and try harder but if he is showing signs of being distressed or shutting down, he is to be given a break. Managing his anxiety takes priority above all else. I am teaching him self management and so far as I am concerned, his home and learning environment should be supporting that goal.
You are doing a great job with your kids. I think it helps many of us too and I appreciate the privilege of sharing your experiences.
Thank you for reading, and all of your encouragement! Good friends make hard situations so much easier to deal with on a daily basis!
DeleteThis is so excellent an example of how your self awareness (through the written word) has helped you to honor yourself. Beans is very fortunate to have a Mom who understands him and tailors her teaching and parenting approach to what works for him.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI think fear of the unknown or of change is leaving you ill like this- I experience the same feelings in those type of situations. As far as homeschooling, I have the same approach. I think it is the approach of the person who KNOWS what it's like to feel easily overwhelmed and needing lots of alone time. I would ease into it slowly. Maybe take some time to observe him throughout his day. What does he gravitate to- I think he likes outside? Maybe keep a log of things he likes to do. See how you can incorporate them into a sort of routine. Also his obsessions, how can you use those? I'd start that way. I like the floortime "circles of communication". Maybe start to get a couple going every hour no pressure I think working on a form of communication is good, we are doing pecs, Sophie actually likes it! (She's on the severe end too) I definitely support moving slowly and mindfully, follow his lead. You got this :) listen to your heart.
ReplyDeleteGlad that PECs is working for Sophie! It is exciting when we see something click for our kids!
DeleteI'm gonna be doing a few tasks a day and speech 5 times a week with private SLP, and 4 times a week (for a few minutes a session) at the school for speech, and some integration activities. I think to begin with that is enough, educationally. He that's a good part of our day. We will do lots of fun things,like going outside, and for walks, too.
You are fabulous. And doing the exact right thing. I have just taken my daughter out of school due to bullying (two weeks ago) and I was Terrified (with a capital T). I am still not entirely sure how we're going to do this, but the extreme panic has ebbed, thank heavens.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your new venture! I'm sorry that the situation even had to happen, though. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to message me anytime!
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