In my last post I talked about not only fearing, but expecting rejection, and another recent post I spoke about feeling almost depressed, and needing a break.
I think I see a pattern here.
In sharp contrast to me almost rock solid confidence in the recent post about letting go of preconceived notions of limits post I wrote just a few weeks ago I see a decline in mood. I see a decline in energy, which shakes my confidence up, leaving me feeling like maybe I don't got this.
I'm noting my ego is easily bruised by things that I usually would just let slide. I'm sensitive. My physical body is ill. My stomach is in knots,
and my head is aching. These are all signs that I am not living my most authentic life. I am living in the moments of raw emotion finding my solace in unimportant things like reassurance from others, and acceptance from them that I am an okay person. These are not truths. They are just passing states that we all find ourselves in at various times. They are shaky, and subject to change.
I wondered, how did this happen? Why am I finding myself slowly, but surely spiraling down into unhealthy habits of the past?
I am guessing it's about the new changes. In the last month I have had so much change that I would never have anticipated it two months ago. I'd have told anyone who told me that I'd be homeschooling my youngest that they were mistaken. I didn't have the resources, the time, the energy, the know how, the anything that it would take to homeschool my profoundly autistic boy. Yet, it's amazing what we can suddenly be up for when our child's safety is at stake.
As soon as I announced this decision I have gotten a plethora of advice. From the behavior psych to the local advocacy center. Everyone want to help, and I am absolutely grateful that there is help available. However, sometimes it can be kinda daunting. Parenting can be odd in that everyone you meet seems to have an opinion about what methods are best. From the bank teller to your husband's coworker's wife, everyone has an idea as to what you need to do to be an effective parent. Introduce homeschooling into this equation, and people have super-opinions. They are full of facts, resources, and ideas on what you need to do.
I guess I didn't have my advice shield fully up before the advice bombs starting hitting. I think so much happening at once, as well as so much advice differing from my own thoughts started to wear me down, and leaving me vulnerable. I am not all about being in the center of an autistic child's world every moment of the day. I am the slow, and steady teacher. The add one new thing at a time, teaching with comfort, and no tears kind of teacher. I am always worried that I am overwhelming Beans. He cries when he has to do work, and runs away. This to me means that he needs to be taught differently. To others this means that he needs to get used to working. I see a child overwhelmed. They see obstinance. My philosophy couldn't be more different than most people's, and that is my sticking point. That is where I begin to doubt. The little tiny thought of, 'maybe they're all right, and I am wrong' multiplies inside my mind. Before I know it, I am sitting there living on the plan of ego, where my insecurities feed me emotional state.
That my friends, is how I got here. Now, how do I get out of this state of ego driven thoughts? I think it's time to get back to basics. That is how. It's time to be grateful for what I have in each moment. It's time to feel that I am in control of my life, because it's mine. It's time to realize that I may not always make the best decisions, but I make some good ones. Life is full of choices, and I am free to choose my own path. If it's not the one leading me to where I want to go, then I am free to make a different choice. Nothing is this permanent decision that I can never take back. Everyday is full of new possibilities, and ways to live within my values.
So, starting now I am okay with what I have chosen, and who I am. I'm not following a hardcore curriculum. I'm not putting my kids in 20 activities. I'm not a super-pinterest mom. I'm just loving each child in the moment in whatever way they need me to. That is what living an authentic life means to me.