Last night was another failed attempt. It wasn't a total waste, but it wasn't all that fun, either. We can't seem to find anything to do that we both enjoy in the time frame we have to fill. The sitter gets to our house at 7:30 and we have to drive 30 minutes into town, and be leave town by 11 PM or so. So, that leaves us with * PM-11 PM for eating and whatever we decide to do. That's roughly 3 hrs. The issue is filling those hours, My husband doesn't drink, and I don't like movies. Nothing is open for shopping, and such that late. Museums, and other places are closed. So, unless you want to be in loud, places with loud people there is not much left to do. Parks are okay, but not terribly safe to be sitting in late at night.
My mood is our biggest barrier. I get excited about going out. I look forward to it, but then once we are out around people I just want to go home.
I begin to feel overwhelmed, and depressed. My mood after getting to the bowling alley last night went from excited to have some fun to morbidly depressed in about 30 minutes. By the time we had left there I was so low that I had myself convinces inside my head that I had to be the fattest, ugliest woman on the planet, and my husband probably should just find someone else,because I am sure he is looking. I just want to find a corner to hide in while I cry about what a total worthless waste of space I am.
I don't know why this happens. I rarely feel that way at home, unless something on TV makes me feel like my weight is undesirable. Like, if we are watching something, and there is a bunch of ladies in bikinis that the tv show is making a big deal out of those worthless feelings will come back to me, reminding me of how I will never measure up, and I will end up rejected, and alone just as I always have felt to be.
Logically, I know that my husband loves me, and isn't actively looking to replace me. I know that I am not fat, or even close to that. My aspie brain doesn't let me accept these things as truths. Last night, I was the thinnest woman at the bowling alley. I logically know this, but in my mind it didn't feel this way, and the feeling bled over to everything ruining our time.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't know why this happens. I just know that I need it to stop, because I am tired of feeling this way when it is time for fun. I want to find enjoyment in some recreational activity with my husband outside of my home. I want to feel safe outside of my home. I want to enjoy my life in a wider context. I don't know why I can't, and I don't know why I feel this way. It is not normal, and it is not the way I want to be.
I am putting this out there as a way to see if anyone else feels this way, and or has, and if so how did you fix it? That is what I am looking for. I don't want a bunch of people telling me that I am fine as I am, and all that. I know that, but i can't convince my emotional side that is true. I have tried repeating nice things to myself, and relaxation techniques, and all that. It is not working. I also know that it is narcissistic to put so much thought into your looks, but trust me this goes way beyond vanity, and if you follow my blog for any length of time, you know that. This is about loneliness, rejection, and knowing that I will never connect with another person on an intimate level like others do. I never have. Not with my parents, not with my family, and not with my husband. My kids, yes....and my husband from time to time, but it is never that solid connection that lets me know he is really invested in me. I am very happy alone. It's when I try to be around people that this awful feeling comes around, and it makes it a viscous cycle.
I do not like watching movies, but I don't mind some TV shows. My hubby LOVES watching movies, unfortunately. We also don't drink or care for loud places. When we go out together, we go to a quiet cafe usually. Or a bookstore. This might sound like a crazy idea, but is it possible to get a hotel room near you for 3 hours? That way you can eat and snuggle up in peace and quiet or take a bath together (though it's an expensive idea). My other idea depends on how roomy your house is: have the sitter come over but don't leave the house. Go up to your room and lock the door and stay there.
ReplyDeleteAnd finally, if you are able to change your date time to a time when stores are open (like Sat morning) and get the groceries done together - not romantic, I know, but you'd have time away from the kids and get shopping done at the same time. Maybe have a quick lunch together and head back.
Anyway, my point is, if you put yourself in situations you are not comfortable in, you will get overwhelmed and depressed. If you find date nights that fall within your comfort zone, you will be better able to enjoy your time. So I hope that helps.
Nothing you said was crazy. I have thought of doing all of them! If the by the hour hotels weren't so nasty I would totally do it! We have also considered just going upstairs when the babysitter is around. We have our bedroom up there, and a little living room with that is just for us. I have thought about staying up there, and hanging out. The only issue is there is no bathroom.
DeleteWe were just talking about changing the time if we were to get a different sitter that could work on the weekend during the day when things are open.
I think you have great ideas that we really need to revisit. You're right, if we do stuff that is more fun for both of us, then the situation won't get my mood going south.
I agree with Kelly, change your date time so you can take quiet walks, picnics, etc, or go to a museum. If you're not enjoying your surroundings that naturally causes a cascade effect of negative thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhat's happening to you on date night is so common, in ALL marriages.
You can change the negative thoughts. I have received so much benefit from behavioral cognitive techniques. When you have a negative thought, you replace it. It seems impossible but go online and download some exercises. Like any new behavior, it takes time, but it works.
You deserve to feel good and enjoy your life and being with your husband. Your negative thinking is interfering with your joy. You can change those thought patterns.
I never thought that others went through the same thing, Huh. The negative thought patterns are eating disorder related, and trust me when I say I have been through CBT techniques, and every other therapy for the last 15 yrs to help. It's still a work on progress.
Delete"This is about loneliness, rejection, and knowing that I will never connect with another person on an intimate level like others do. I never have. Not with my parents, not with my family, and not with my husband. My kids, yes....and my husband from time to time, but it is never that solid connection that lets me know he is really invested in me. I am very happy alone. It's when I try to be around people that this awful feeling comes around, and it makes it a viscous cycle."
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I've been dealing with. I struggle to make myself be around people anyway, but I always feel so much lonelier than if I had just stayed home.
Thank you for this blog. You're putting into words so many of the things I've been facing.
Thank you for reading, and commenting!
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