Last night Hubby, and I went out on a date, as we do most Friday nights. I know that is like a dream for most parents, much less special needs parents. I am aware of how lucky I am to have this opportunity to go out for a few hrs child free with my husband. However, it rarely ends well, or is even enjoyable.
Last night was another failed attempt. It wasn't a total waste, but it wasn't all that fun, either. We can't seem to find anything to do that we both enjoy in the time frame we have to fill. The sitter gets to our house at 7:30 and we have to drive 30 minutes into town, and be leave town by 11 PM or so. So, that leaves us with * PM-11 PM for eating and whatever we decide to do. That's roughly 3 hrs. The issue is filling those hours, My husband doesn't drink, and I don't like movies. Nothing is open for shopping, and such that late. Museums, and other places are closed. So, unless you want to be in loud, places with loud people there is not much left to do. Parks are okay, but not terribly safe to be sitting in late at night.
My mood is our biggest barrier. I get excited about going out. I look forward to it, but then once we are out around people I just want to go home.
I begin to feel overwhelmed, and depressed. My mood after getting to the bowling alley last night went from excited to have some fun to morbidly depressed in about 30 minutes. By the time we had left there I was so low that I had myself convinces inside my head that I had to be the fattest, ugliest woman on the planet, and my husband probably should just find someone else,because I am sure he is looking. I just want to find a corner to hide in while I cry about what a total worthless waste of space I am.
I don't know why this happens. I rarely feel that way at home, unless something on TV makes me feel like my weight is undesirable. Like, if we are watching something, and there is a bunch of ladies in bikinis that the tv show is making a big deal out of those worthless feelings will come back to me, reminding me of how I will never measure up, and I will end up rejected, and alone just as I always have felt to be.
Logically, I know that my husband loves me, and isn't actively looking to replace me. I know that I am not fat, or even close to that. My aspie brain doesn't let me accept these things as truths. Last night, I was the thinnest woman at the bowling alley. I logically know this, but in my mind it didn't feel this way, and the feeling bled over to everything ruining our time.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't know why this happens. I just know that I need it to stop, because I am tired of feeling this way when it is time for fun. I want to find enjoyment in some recreational activity with my husband outside of my home. I want to feel safe outside of my home. I want to enjoy my life in a wider context. I don't know why I can't, and I don't know why I feel this way. It is not normal, and it is not the way I want to be.
I am putting this out there as a way to see if anyone else feels this way, and or has, and if so how did you fix it? That is what I am looking for. I don't want a bunch of people telling me that I am fine as I am, and all that. I know that, but i can't convince my emotional side that is true. I have tried repeating nice things to myself, and relaxation techniques, and all that. It is not working. I also know that it is narcissistic to put so much thought into your looks, but trust me this goes way beyond vanity, and if you follow my blog for any length of time, you know that. This is about loneliness, rejection, and knowing that I will never connect with another person on an intimate level like others do. I never have. Not with my parents, not with my family, and not with my husband. My kids, yes....and my husband from time to time, but it is never that solid connection that lets me know he is really invested in me. I am very happy alone. It's when I try to be around people that this awful feeling comes around, and it makes it a viscous cycle.