This Year's Theme: Acceptance

I've never done well with new year's resolutions. I don't think I have ever even made a serious attempt to make any. I think a lot about it. I think a lot about a lot of things. I think thinking is probably my number one hobby if I am to be honest. Hahaha. But, I have never in my recollection, made resolutions on January 1st that require me to give up something, or change myself into something new for a new year. It's just not my style.

Goal setting, however... that is different. I know some people might see them as the same things with different names,  but to me they are not. Resolutions are, within this context, something to rid of, or banish. It feels like it's almost a punishment. Like, I'm gonna somehow be different come January 1st. December 31st, cake and alcohol, but January 1st it's all kale and smoothies. "I'm getting serious in 2019", I hear people say. It's straight from one extreme to another, usually without a long term plan of sustainability. Just the end goal in mind. People usually know what they want, and they have a kind of clue how to achieve it short term, but not on hard days, or days when things aren't following the plan, or all kinds of other obstacles.

My Questions for a Self-Aware 2017

It's Christmas evening here as I write this. I've done all the exhausting holiday runaround. Presents were wrapped, and unwrapped. Food was made, and eaten. Joy was anticipated, and gratitude was shared with family, and friends. I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot of happiness was shared today. It was a day full of effort, though, and I'm one tired woman! I am sitting here on the downside of the excitement of Christmas, and pausing with anxious breath for the new year.

This year has brought with it a lot of challenges in the health department for me. I wonder how it might be for the new year? It is something of a game changer in that I have had to learn to become flexible with myself.  I've had to learn to allow myself room to adapt to new strategies, because I can't always do the same things to the same levels of perfection, or completion anymore. These are things that I am still learning how to do. When I have a painful bladder flare, or a migraine attack I might not be able to function at the same level as I always have, and learning how to navigate this new terrain of chronic illness has been difficult for my whole family.

For example, due to a particularly bad month of migraines, I was not able to do my usual Christmas cards, and treats that I normally do. This was hard for me to let go of, because it's such a big part of how I celebrate the holiday season. It was just more than I had to give this year, but hopefully next year I will be able to pick this tradition back up, or maybe I will be able to make some late treats for the New Year.

With all that being said.....

I did want to do a Christmas post, even if it was not a very long one. Something to let you all know that I am still here, and am still blogging, and will continue into 2017. As a matter of fact, I wanted this to be a pre-2017 post. A contemplative post of sorts. I'm going to ask a few questions here on this post. Then I am going to think about them, and post my answer in a new entry on or before the 1st of January. I think this kind of self-discovery is important, and required for meaningful growth. Plus, it's just fun. :) I hope you will join me! If you do let me know either by commenting below, or emailing me, or via Twitter, or some other way! I'd love to read what you have to say!

I'm Too Old For....

Today is my birthday. This last week I have been thinking back on my life, and how things are. I have a hard time believing that I am 36. It doesn't feel possible. When I was younger I always felt so mature for my age, but now as I age I feel my internal clock is moving in reverse. I feel like I am still in my twenties, and the 90's were just 10 years ago.

I was thinking about the things I like about my life, and the winding path that has taken me to where I am. I was also thinking about the things I am tired of, and done with. Things that I said I wanted to change a long time ago, but realized I never bothered with.  I began to compile a mental list in my mind about these things. Things I felt I was too old for, or done with.

I'm too old to keep being the victim. I know this one seems to be a bit strange to say, but hear me out. We've all had bad things happen to us. A lot of the things that happen to us when young is not our fault. We have no say in what kind of family we're born into. We have no say over a lot of the most painful of life's circumstances. They happen to us no matter who we are. We're all going to experience the loss of a loved one at some point in our lives, for example. However, there are so many things we do have control over. These are the situations that I am talking about when I say that I am too old to keep playing the part of the victim. I think what often happens is that many of us that came from dysfunctional families where we were not accepted, or cared for tend to subconsciously seek that pattern in other relationships. This is not to say that we want to keep feeling bad, but we are used to it. It's comfortable. It's the role we know, so we play it. I know this has been the case for me. I don't like being rejected, or never having my needs considered by others, yet it keeps happening in so many of my relationships. Somehow, I keep seeking this role out, hating it all the way.

I'm done with it.

I need to actively seek to better my life, and not blame others for my own problems. If I don't have enough help, or enough affection, or enough anything I need to problem solve on how to resolve this. I can't keep just expecting others to meet my needs without me being active in putting the process in place.

With that being said.....

I'm too old to be giving myself away. This one goes with the victim role I was talking about above.  I'm getting too old to keep getting into the role of people pleaser. I am getting too old to waste time on people that are only there to take advantage of me. I can't keep being taken by the same type of people, and expect my life to not feel drained.