Building a Bridge to Myself

Lately, my dreams are set in the past. Most nights, young 20 something year old me is trying to navigate the world. The story lines change, but I'm always young, anxious and trying to prove that I'm worthy to others around me. The dreams are set in darkened tones, like a filter trying to convey a message of bleakness and turmoil. Even the sunny scenes are a bit dingy looking. 

I can't say that I know for sure what they mean, or if they mean anything at all. Maybe, they're just my subconscious way of releasing pressure off of a busy mind that never stops during my waking hours? I feel there's probably more to it than that, though. 

When I try to think back to 25 plus years ago, that "me" feels almost fictional. She feels like she barely existed at all. I feel almost disconnected from her. My brain doesn't store memories in easy to access files, based on time, so that doesn't help. Past memories are all a blurry blob of nothing, until I have something (a thought, a smell, a feeling, etc..) trigger a retrieval process. Much like a computer searching through files with a keyword. The results aren't always complete, or helpful at all. So, my past self exists in obscured snippets according to my present self. I find me in my memories by looking for specific situations. 

Let me tell you that the me that existed *was* scared, confused and full of unaddressed trauma. She had no way of comprehending any of that at the time. To her, this was just normal, everyday life. Nothing to stop and think about. Just keep going. And, I did, for years. I think now my present self is trying to build a bridge to that scared, young woman that I was, so we can all heal and learn from the past. It's kind of like when we re-watch an old movie or reread a book again after years have passed and the whole thing hits us differently. You notice things you didn't the first time or the message carries a different interpretation now than it did back then. In moments of extreme clarity I see mistakes I made that I never realized before, but I also see resilience in situations that I never considered, either. It's a process of grief and awareness that helps one put missing pieces together in a way that feels complete, not just buried. I find the parts of me that I didn't want to accept and let them in. I find the hurt and the pain and let myself be vulnerable to it all. 

In these dreams, I'm on the verge of always being alone, of being rejected. Loved ones abandon me. I'm always late, can't find my car or the right clothes. I'm beginning to work through many of these feelings now, those that I couldn't before. I have the ability to heal and comprehend some hard truths that age and maturity have lent me. I sit here writing this in gratitude for the opportunity to have lived long enough for this experience, this awareness and the peace it has begun to let in. Healing takes time and self  awareness is always a slow, sometimes agonizing process. It doesn't always feel good, or even rewarding while gaining it, but it's always worth it.