Sunday, September 25, 2011

Ugggg..Depression (again)

This is one of those posts that I'm not sure if  I ought to write.  It's personal. It's about how I feel and not so much applicable to the reader as it's not informational to them.  I feel more effective as a blogger when I write more impersonal posts, but sometimes, what's on my mind first and foremost is my own life and my own feelings about it.  This week has been one of those weeks.

I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah.  I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much.  I don't want to be back where I was last winter.  That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally.  When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder .  I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS.  I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression.  I have felt better these last 4 months.  So, so much better.  I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years.  I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences.  I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember.  Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away.  I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss.  I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again.  I don't want to go back to that dark place again.  I need to get a plan of action going.  So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness.  I am going to exercise, like I have been.  I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me.  I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good.  I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating.  I hope this time I can turn things around.  Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done.