Body Image and ED-From an autistic perspective

Last night I participated in a Twitter chat about eating disorders, body image issues, and how they affect me as an autistic woman. I didn't find Twitter to be as accommodating to my long winded style of writing as I'd have liked. I thought that maybe it might be a good idea to do a blog entry on this topic, as it does seem to be a popular one that needs addressed.

After the chat I had so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I am not sure how to organize them here to share without this entry turning into a small novel! The questions, and answers brought forth memories long forgotten. There is something about looking back on certain things in one's life as an older adult, and having a different POV, and appreciation of things that only time, and maturity can facilitate. Some things shifted into place, while others still remain tangled within my odd personality of contradictions.

As a young child I do recall not having a very positive relationship with food. How much this contributed to my body image issues, I don't know. I know it didn't help. I was always a very thin, underweight kid. There were always more interesting things for me to do than eat. I don't think I find the same enjoyment out of eating as other people do. Most of the time I would eat just enough to make the annoying hungry feeling go away, but not enough to be very full.

I had a certain way I would eat, as well. Things on my plate could not be touching, and certain textures were not okay with me. I would eat only one thing on my plate at a time.

I don't think I can stress this enough to any, and all parents

The Toxicity of the New Fitspirational Movement

It seems here in the last few years that being 'fit' is trendy. You can't scroll through any social media without seeing photos designed to be inspirational, and motivational. Fitspo, or Fitspiration as it's called is everywhere. It's staring at us from magazine covers as we check out at the grocery store, and screaming at us from our television programs. Photos of half naked women fall across our computer screens posed in dim washed light with sweat dripping off of their body. Motivational words splash across the photo letting us know that we can't give up, we need to train hard, remember to never quit, and that we can have or, be the person we want if we just try harder.

Are these posters really healthy? Are the ideas behind the words motivating? How is this trend affecting girls, and women everywhere?

Dreaming Of The Past, and Looking Forward To The Future

I am one of those people that have vivid dreams that are colorful, lifelike, and so full of emotion.  I have
written about my dreams before on this blog. At first, I was hesitant, but then I am thinking...how could I leave off such a vibrant part of my mind?  How can I write about my experiences while leaving behind a big part of me?  My dream state sometimes is so real that I can't hardly tell the difference between awake, and a dream.  I don't know if this is due to my Asperger's that my brain is wired to express itself in such amazing description inside of my imagination while I sleep.  I don't know if it may be because my emotive state is so stifled while I am awake that it must express itself while I am unconscious.  It could be any of those things, but I do believe that having different way of thinking is a huge contribution to dreaming with such voracity.

The Ultimate Self Accpetance Test

Yesterday, I saw this image:

 I posted it on my FB page and to my surprise a few people responded with reservation, or flat out 'No' to the question in the image.  I'm unsure of what to make of that.  If you follow my blog you will have seen that I struggle with depression and it's side kick low self-esteem.  It's something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember.  However, I can say with certainty that I think that I am a good person. A person that is worthy of friendship and love.  I think of the qualities that I think make a good companion:

*Honesty
*Kindness
*Loyalty
*Reserved (at least not overly loud and boisterous)
*Understanding of other's struggles-even if they are foreign to yourself
*Unique
*Assertive
*Generous
*Practical
*Down to earth
*Tenacious   
*Dedicated
*Reliable
*Strong work ethic
Just to name a few. I think that I embody those. I actually spend a lot of time thinking about how I come across to others and whether I am putting an image out there that I can be proud of. I try to be a person that if I met myself I would want to be friends with.  This is the ultimate in self-acceptance. If you can't be friends with yourself, if you can't like yourself, or hold your actions in the light of esteem, than how can others? Why would you not want to be friends with yourself?  If there are specific reasons, those can be changed once you identify them. If you just feel uncomfortable with the idea, then it's time for some deep soul searching. We have to be comfortable with who we are to be truly fulfilled. That is just a given. If we can't be comfortable with our inner self, we can never be fully grounded.  We risk spending a life running away from our shadow, fearing alone time. 

What qualities do you think makes a good companion? Do you feel that you posses them?

Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking

The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure.  You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time?   That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.  

I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget.  It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful.  Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples.  I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier.  There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.

I'm thinking that I might write them down.  Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page?  Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see?  The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me.  That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.

For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance.  So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat.  The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions?  I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too.  I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live?  Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No.  I don't value being depressed and sad.  I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties.  I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?:  I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks.  I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be.  I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.

Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts.  In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise.  The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with.  The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.

Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day.  This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now.  I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair.  I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.

Inner Aspie to "I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers" - An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

Dear 'I Wish I Didn't Have Asperger's'


When I think of that statement I think about the times when I, myself, thought it.  My mind skips back years in time where my own journey wasn't always easy.  Those times, are hard to think of now.  I still have those times now where I think, just for a moment, that I wish I didn't have Asperger's. This letter may well be for me to reflect on during those moments as much as for others out in cyberpsace looking for some consolation.  This letter may be for my son, when he gets a little older and thinks 'I wish I didn't have autism' during his moments of inevitable struggle.

What would I like to say to the child that I once was and to other autistic children out there right now?  I'd like to remind them that the things that seem to huge now won't be in a few years.  I wish I'd known that when I was alone at recess, or picked last at PE everyday.  I'd tell them that it's okay to be an individual and pursue your own interests, instead of worrying if the other kids will approve.  I'd tell them, you will find a friend, a good one.  Just be patient. Do not accept 'friends' that treat you less than in order to have a friend. I'd say, you are good enough, just as you are. Repeat that to yourself until you know it to be true.  This will be the one thing, if any that I would make sure that I as a child would have known.  I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all.

What would I say to that awkward adolescent that I once was, and to the other autistic adolescents out there?  I'd tell them to just hold on.  I know it's hard right now. Being a teenager is hard for everyone, but even harder for us on the spectrum. I'd tell them that they'll get a chance to date and find love.  I know it can be lonely.  I know everyone else is telling you to be patient and the right one will come along.  I know you're tired of that cliche.  I know these words won't stop you from feeling lonely, but please let them soothe you some into knowing that it will happen.  It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next week, but please know that you will not be lonely forever.  If I had a way to tell my former teenaged self something, I'd have told myself to keep busy doing what I like, being confident with myself and the dates and friends would come naturally.  Fretting, obsessing and constantly trying to problem solve will make relationships harder to come by and quite possibly prevent them from happening in the first place.  Getting a boyfriend or friends is not like a math problem or crossword puzzle.  It can't be solved by intellectual thought.  It has to go through the natural stages to evolve.   I'd tell myself that I need to learn about meditation and find a good therapist to help me learn about emotions. I'd tell autistic teens that what others think don't matter as much as what you think of yourself.  Pay attention to keeping things in order on the inside and things on the outside will be much smoother.  Learn how to detect and handle your emotions.  This is not something that is firsthand for us.  It needs to be learned and is crucial to success.

I'd tell teens to take advantage of the internet.  The amount of support available is endless. Find other ASD teen to chat with.  Find ASD adults to mentor you.  We are here.  We've been where you are and understand.  We can help guide you and are more than happy to do so.  Don't post on Facebook or constantly tell your peers that you're lonely ect... This will have the opposite effect you are hoping for.  Find some online support group to confide in.

For young autistic adults, I'd tell them most of all, that it's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to not know things.  There is no shame in needing assistance.  Don't try to do everything on your own to prove that you can and to prove you're independent!  It takes a strong person to ask for help when they need it.  Don't drive yourself into the ground with anxiety and depression by trying to do it on your own.  Find support from somewhere.  Sometimes, with some of us, it won't be family.  We'll have to find it somewhere else.  Take advantage of disability services when and if you need them. 

What I would want any autistic person to know, is that being autistic is okay. Don't waste a minute of your life hiding away who you are trying to be someone you're not.  Do what you love, and love what you do. This will help instill pride.  Immerse yourself into positive actions and let that direct you to self worth.  Don't ever let the bullies in your life win by repeating their stories in your head through the years.  If you can't shut the stories off, get to therapy to help you.  Know, I mean really know that you have worth just as you are.  Be authentic.  Be compassionate with yourself.  You are going to have bad days.  You are going to have sensory issues and meltdowns.  Again, learn your body and emotions. It will give you a better opportunity to handle these things when they come up.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when these things happen. Remember:  " I am good enough just as I am.  People that are worthwhile will respect me as a person, autism and all ." That is your new mantra.  The world can be noisy and overwhelming. Sometimes, you might feel like it's all too much, or your heart literally aches with loneliness.  Please, remember that there's many of us that share your story or care very much.  We have autism, too, or children that are autistic, or friends, and family.  You're not alone. Reach out to us.  We're here.

The Undateables? Not quite.

Has anyone in the UK seen the show 'Undateables'?  I haven't, but from what I've seen I 'm still leaning toward the POV that it's voyeuristic and portraying the misinformed public opinion that disabled people are less than in the world of romance.  One thing I do see is that it is in the spot light and people are now talking about it.  That means that the general public is having to think about the generally accepted stereotype that people with disabilities are somehow not meant for love, relationships, and sex.  We can and we are, and do do those things.  People most often hate, or repel what they don't understand.  I am hoping this show can help everyday people empathize with disabled people in the way that they see they're not so different after all. It won't seem so odd anymore, thus removing some stigma.  Getting a discussion going, exchanging opinions and getting people really thinking can all be good things.  Humiliating vulnerable people that just want love is a where I'd see the show possibly being negative.

What's your opinion of the program?

Invisible Me Visits From The Past

Some of you may have noticed that yesterday I remarked that I had had a bad day on my FB page due to letting others under my skin, again.  I didn't specify anymore than that.  I wasn't sure I wanted to, or that I ought to. Then, I figured that I share so much else on here, and sometimes in the process help others in the same sort of situations, so I might go ahead and post about what happened.  Also, writing sometimes allows me to get things out that I can't do verbally. I am not very good verbalizing my thoughts and feelings.

Last week my father called me. I haven't spoken to him for about 2 yrs. Every time I called to wish him a happy birthday or happy father's day I'd get his voice mail. I eventually just stopped trying. He wanted to tell me that my mother had left him and that he was sorry for writing me off because my mother didn't like him speaking to me.  I was happy to hear from him and let all resentment toward him go.  I figured that my mother in her craziness would turn on others after I was no longer around to accept her abuse and drama.  I was correct.  After 34 years of marriage she packed up without warning and left him, going clear across the country to her sister's after clearing out most of the bank account.

I was excited to rebuild a relationship.  I had all these grand plans of him and my brother coming to visit, and we would do this and that.  I would finally have someone to talk to that was family, that cared for me and supported me.

A few days went by, so I thought I'd try to chat with him via skype, only to get a hold of my brother who told me that mom came home.  No one told me.  He said Dad would call me later.  That was almost a week ago.  He isn't calling me.  It's back to where it was.  I am the odd one out.  Cast aside, and vilified.  I was doing okay as it was.  I didn't need the false hope that maybe, just maybe I was worth something to them that they'd give me the time of day.  It was a wound ripped right open for me.  I was once again the weird little girl who no one noticed, and no one cared about.  My desperation for this acceptance was so great.

Old behaviors started creeping back in... namely anorexic thinking with it's old friend body dysmorphia.  I create these things to control something. If only I was thin and pretty enough people would like me. As well as it's a way to control and punish myself for not feeling good enough by other's standards.  Thankfully, I have a husband who is here for me.  He quickly reminded me of how ridiculous this whole dieting thing was.  I am not overweight and if I lose more than a few pounds I will be classified as underweight.  I wear a size 5/6 (UK size 7/8) and am not short.  Dieting very much for me at this point could be dangerous.  Logically, I know that, but that's not how I feel inside.  I feel desperate to change something.  To do something. I just want to be accepted.  I want to feel worthy and good enough.

After I had a massive meltdown yesterday, and got some sleep I feel better today.  I am able to get back on track with healthy behaviors and let go of what isn't and never was.  It's an unfortunate situation, but one that I am stuck with.  I may as well make the best of it and do what I can and leave the rest alone. 

This whole situation remind me of a dream that I used to have often as a child.  It's one in which I somehow got turned into a ghost and no one could hear or see me.  In the dream I'd scream and beg for my parents to reply to me, only to be ignored. I'd go to school where the same happened.  Everywhere I went I was invisible.  I wasn't noticed.  I would eventually get myself so worked into a desperate tizzy that I'd awaken, crying and terribly anxious.  Through the years, the dream would change a bit in scenery, and such, but the theme would remain the same.  I'm tired of being that sad, lonely, ignored little girl.  I'm ready to be noticed by those who matter most.  My husband and kids, and forget the rest.

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

Autistic Sense Of Self

A few years ago I was watching an informative piece on TV about the development of autism.  One part really stuck with me that made a revelation in my mind that has been rattling wondering what it could fully mean.  I felt I was on the verge of a vast and complicated canyon full of information that would keep my ever thinking brain wrapped up for some time.

They spoke of a child being able to know they were a separate being from their surroundings and know that their reflection in the mirror was indeed them. This milestone should be in place by 9-12 months in most typically developing children.  The way this was tested was that they put a dot of lipstick on the baby's forehead and let them look at themselves in the mirror.  If the baby knew that the reflection was of themselves they would try to wipe their forehead to get the dot off, or at the least investigate the mysterious thing on their face that doesn't belong.  If they were still self unaware they'd try to wipe the mirror, signaling to the adults they were not aware of the dot being on their own head.

So, this was interesting, as children with autism don't seem to have this ability, at least not until much later.  I then thought that of the fact that most children on the spectrum (and some adults) don't refer to themselves in first person.  This is now being backed up by science using an FMRI to analyze the parts of the brain autistic individuals use to process language referring to self.

The subject of Sense of Self came up in a forum that I frequented and I have since brought it up in several others, as it's one of infinite interest to me.  It's always the females on the autism spectrum who delve in to discuss the subject of owning one's self and what this might mean to us, vs typical people.  The males almost never participate, even as the forum pages grow sometimes into the 20's as us ladies philosophizes.  Sometimes, they might poke their head in, announce they don't know what in the world we're talking about, and make a hasty exit. (which is another facet I'd like to explore- do males on the spectrum have less sense of self than females? If so why?)  Of course, the case may be that males in general are less inclined to engage in debate about what constitutes self.  My husband certainly did not have any desire to discuss it at all with  me. 

I'd like to break this subject down into several posts, as I have a lot I'd like to say on it.  This way I am not posting a novel of a post for everyone to read, which you won't due to short attention spans or time limitations.  So, if you're interested, please stay tuned for part two of Autistic Sense Of Self- Pronouns and Consciousness.