Building a Bridge to Myself

Lately, my dreams are set in the past. Most nights, young 20 something year old me is trying to navigate the world. The story lines change, but I'm always young, anxious and trying to prove that I'm worthy to others around me. The dreams are set in darkened tones, like a filter trying to convey a message of bleakness and turmoil. Even the sunny scenes are a bit dingy looking. 

I can't say that I know for sure what they mean, or if they mean anything at all. Maybe, they're just my subconscious way of releasing pressure off of a busy mind that never stops during my waking hours? I feel there's probably more to it than that, though. 

When I try to think back to 25 plus years ago, that "me" feels almost fictional. She feels like she barely existed at all. I feel almost disconnected from her. My brain doesn't store memories in easy to access files, based on time, so that doesn't help. Past memories are all a blurry blob of nothing, until I have something (a thought, a smell, a feeling, etc..) trigger a retrieval process. Much like a computer searching through files with a keyword. The results aren't always complete, or helpful at all. So, my past self exists in obscured snippets according to my present self. I find me in my memories by looking for specific situations. 

Let me tell you that the me that existed *was* scared, confused and full of unaddressed trauma. She had no way of comprehending any of that at the time. To her, this was just normal, everyday life. Nothing to stop and think about. Just keep going. And, I did, for years. I think now my present self is trying to build a bridge to that scared, young woman that I was, so we can all heal and learn from the past. It's kind of like when we re-watch an old movie or reread a book again after years have passed and the whole thing hits us differently. You notice things you didn't the first time or the message carries a different interpretation now than it did back then. In moments of extreme clarity I see mistakes I made that I never realized before, but I also see resilience in situations that I never considered, either. It's a process of grief and awareness that helps one put missing pieces together in a way that feels complete, not just buried. I find the parts of me that I didn't want to accept and let them in. I find the hurt and the pain and let myself be vulnerable to it all. 

In these dreams, I'm on the verge of always being alone, of being rejected. Loved ones abandon me. I'm always late, can't find my car or the right clothes. I'm beginning to work through many of these feelings now, those that I couldn't before. I have the ability to heal and comprehend some hard truths that age and maturity have lent me. I sit here writing this in gratitude for the opportunity to have lived long enough for this experience, this awareness and the peace it has begun to let in. Healing takes time and self  awareness is always a slow, sometimes agonizing process. It doesn't always feel good, or even rewarding while gaining it, but it's always worth it. 

Finding Self Acceptance

I have always taken exception to the saying, "no one can love you, unless you love yourself first". I think not only can people do so, but that it happens all the time. What a backwards notion it is to believe one has to meet certain requirements to obtain love that are often completely unattainable to us when we need it the most. Of course we can and should be loved at our best and worst. 

However, this is the tricky part. This is where the gray area comes into play. If we don't love (or at least accept) our own, whole, authentic self, we will not be able to fully give love to others. Any love we give will inevitably be tinged by our subconscious beliefs we carry about who we are. If we feel unlovable we can't reflect any love given to us back to the giver. It will always be deflected by our internal beliefs that we aren't worthy of any love given. We can't trust this love. When we try to reciprocate, we mire down the pure love given to us with doubt and other negative emotions. This is how many conflicts begin within relationships. I know you said you loved me, but I happen to know that I'm not really worthy of love in my current state, so now I'm going to become defensive, suspicious, and insecure because I feel like I'm being lied to about the one thing I need in life the most. It's like sending away the cure while ordering more poison, because at least you know how the poison is going to make you feel. The cure is unfamiliar and scary. 

So, how does one enter a phase in life where acceptance of self becomes a reality? Where shame and negativity is replaced by confidence and joy? I'm not sure. I don't think there is just one way to find this place. I don't think it's a destination. It's an ongoing journey of self awareness, discovery and learning. Stepping into self acceptance requires a compassionate mind to review our own behaviors, especially the ones we don't like, or don't even want to own up to. It's not easy for some of us to do. 

I'm slowly learning that when I nurture myself I am then able to fully do so for others. When I accept my mistakes and put away the perfectionist attitude, I am then able to approach others with open curiosity and compassion. Being fully present and nonjudgmental is something I personally aspire to, but I need to practice this with myself first, before I can successfully apply this skill when interacting with others. 

How easy or difficult is it for you to accept yourself? If it's difficult, what do you think gets in the way? 

Some Extra Help

This month has been heavy. January always is, but this year it feels like it's packing an extra oomph to me. I feel ungrounded, lost, anxious and unable to even find a basic direction where relief can be found. That's why I decided it was time. I pulled up my new insurance app and began researching therapy and wellness options. It took some digging, but I was able to find an 8 week program that seems to meet my needs with no out of pocket expense. I haven't been to any sort of therapy for 10-15 years. Usually, I am able to use the tools I've learned previously or find other resources to help me solve issues as they arise. This time I was up to my eyebrows with a whole conglomeration of various emotional struggles and anxieties with little solace from anywhere. It's time to learn new techniques and gather some new tools. It's not anymore layered than that. Life has changed and so have I. My inability to keep pace isn't a failure or anything to feel bad about. It's just a sign that I don't have the set of coping skills I need to feel more confident and successful in my repertoire right now, but I can learn those skills. 

If you're going through something similar, I urge you to look for any resources you can access to help yourself get back on track. You don't have to suffer alone. Investing time and energy into improving your well being also raises the well being of everyone whom your presence affects. I'm hoping that I can get to feeling like my best self again and you all can too, if you're not already. 

Not This Year

This last year was a long, strung out struggle for my family, same as it was for many families I know. With unrelenting stress, economic woes and humanitarian crisises becoming a normal part of our lives on a global scale, most of us are burnt out. Honestly, I feel like there should be another word used here to describe this state of being where life keeps coming at us with high energy demands, but we're all running on fumes, but I can't think of it right now, so I suppose 'burnt out' will have to do. 

I'm not gonna even say that I'm glad this year is over. I'm not feeling optimistic that next year will be better. I'm just gonna hope for the best, while trying to build my resilience to meet whatever challenges come my way.

Part of doing that is knowing when to rest and when to be active. 

As I've grown older, I've realized that sometimes it's fine to half ass tasks and skip on tradition. Sometimes doing some of a chore, or a task is better than doing none of it, because when you have health or other challenges in your life that syphon your energy, waiting until you can complete a task to perfection is equal to never getting to it at all. 

I feel the same about traditions. Holiday and other celebratory traditions are meant to fill our cups. They're meant to lift spirits in a communal way that nourishes our souls in unison. They aren't there to drain or drag us down. This year my family skipped a couple of our annual Christmas traditions. With my husband's and my health issues we were unable to make them happen without significant sacrifice. While I felt a little sad about not participating in some of the usual activities, I felt a sense of relief and peacefulness. I managed to sidestep the anxiety and give gratitude to what I can do with joy, instead of dragging through what I thought I *had* to do. I wanted to be present in what my life is right now, even if it's not what I expected.

This kind of approach to celebrations isn't new for us in terms of raising neurodivergent children. Beans is a young man now, but still doesn't care for his routine to change much. He tends to get anxious when we ask him to unwrap gifts. He doesn't like it, so why make him do it? We usually put his gifts into an open gift bag and leave it for him to go through at his leisure. No pressure. Below is a picture of what's left on the 28th of the basket we piled his gifts into Christmas Eve. He had pulled out about half of it in the last 3 days. He seemed to like the things he received, but he needs time to feel it all out. That's fine with us. Sometimes we all do. 

Showing Up

Several years ago I saw this video where a lady was filming herself as she waited for her father to bring her lunch while she was at work. In and of itself, that's not a big deal. What made it noteworthy was that he had recently been released from prison and she had been waiting for this moment for years. 

This video stuck with me. It kind of fell to the back of my brain where I keep things that question my perception of life, others and myself.    During moments where I question my parenting abilities or feel like I've hit an insurmountable problem I remember it. I don't remember what anyone in it looked like or exactly what they said. What I do remember is the feeling of pure joy and gratitude this young lady had toward her father when he showed up. She was so proud of her father that she wanted to tell the world about him. I'm sure their lives are complicated, just like anyone else's. I'm not trying to oversimplify their struggles to this one video. However,this video did leave a lasting effect on me. What stuck with me all this time was the idea of showing up is oftentimes enough. As a parent, we will make mistakes. We don't always get it right. But what if what our kids (young and old) need is just a parent that shows up? Maybe it's not about perfection, but perseverance. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm fully engaged and present and perhaps that's the most important thing I can do.