Monday, February 18, 2019

Growing Older

Ahhh... February. The tail end of winter. Where I live it tends to be the harshest, most wintry, winter time there is most years, all squished up into the smallest month. Sure we have some cold snaps November through April, but in terms of snow, ice, cold and viruses February most usually beats all other months in stats.

So, I am sitting here sipping lukewarm tea nursing my terrible head cold that seems to have taken hold of not just me, but my whole family. It's one that lingers, wandering away a tad one day only to come screaming back the next twice as bad as it was the day before. It's not following the usual schedule of a cold and I am starting to grow impatient and fatigued. Not just of my own health, but that of Beans who can't tell me what he needs, how he feels, and I don't think he fully understands it himself, so he gets really demanding and melty. He's also tired of the weather keeping him inside.

I think we can all agree that spring can't come soon enough.

One of the things that I have been doing with the few minutes of time between tending to  Beans is going through this blog and deleting posts that aren't relevant any longer starting from way back when it began in 2011. I haven't made it very far yet, but it's certainly been an eye opening experience for me to see how my writing has changed. Not just how much my writing has changed, but how much I have matured and my perceptions of life has blossomed into something so much different than I had ever expected, or realized. In the last 8 years from the age of 32 to 40 I have become a different version of myself that is definitely an improvement. Not that we ever become a different person, because I think the nature of who we are really doesn't ever change, but we do improve, or I guess deteriorate (whichever the case may be) on how we coordinate that nature with the world, how we express it and live it.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

This Year's Theme: Acceptance

I've never done well with new year's resolutions. I don't think I have ever even made a serious attempt to make any. I think a lot about it. I think a lot about a lot of things. I think thinking is probably my number one hobby if I am to be honest. Hahaha. But, I have never in my recollection, made resolutions on January 1st that require me to give up something, or change myself into something new for a new year. It's just not my style.

Goal setting, however... that is different. I know some people might see them as the same things with different names,  but to me they are not. Resolutions are, within this context, something to rid of, or banish. It feels like it's almost a punishment. Like, I'm gonna somehow be different come January 1st. December 31st, cake and alcohol, but January 1st it's all kale and smoothies. "I'm getting serious in 2019", I hear people say. It's straight from one extreme to another, usually without a long term plan of sustainability. Just the end goal in mind. People usually know what they want, and they have a kind of clue how to achieve it short term, but not on hard days, or days when things aren't following the plan, or all kinds of other obstacles.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Mitigating Negative Moods

Today I woke up to a dreary sky with bright leaves of fall scooting along the sidewalks and streets. Humid and cool. I felt unsettled from the moment I woke up. A feeling of pressure and slight heaviness that sets the day apart from one that I know is going to be a positive one. I can't always slice it all up right away. Am I sick? Is it a migraine? Am I hurt? Am I having one of those physically exhaustive days? What is going on? Without the answer I just move on. The day won't wait for one and it's never that clear right away.

So, I did. As the morning went on what did answer rather quickly was a rising sense of frustration and anger. I had no patience for anything. I felt a hair trigger away from a catastrophic meltdown toward anyone who crossed certain lines with me. Not just anyone or any argument, but certain people with certain topics mostly. I felt overwhelmed with emotion that threatened to seize my inner workings of my mind into slow motion. With my mood and limbs heavy the day is one to be survived more than tackled, or accomplished.

On these days I have to remember that I have been here and I will be here again, but each and every time I get past this mood. It is just a mood. It is just temporary. This is depression dressed as anger. It's visiting today, but it won't stay. It feels like this is forever. I feel like I have to react to all the feelings, because they are in my face taunting me. They threaten my ego. They tell me lies about my life and others in it. My nervous system feels on the edge of fight or flight and I am ready to fight,  so I'm looking for the the person, or situation who wants to trip that trigger. Of course I'm not looking on a conscious level. There's nothing I can do to change the way I feel. It's just here. Something to be mitigated and contended with.

When I was younger and I would have these strong emotional days I'd wonder two things. I'd wonder what was wrong with me that I had such a strong reaction to seemingly nothing, or possibly something, such as stress, or some other unknown and two; when was I going to be able to mature enough to where I would no longer feel this way?

Monday, October 22, 2018

Who is Turning Seventeen?!

I know it's been a minute since I have blogged. It's been even longer since I've written a personal, from the heart, rambling post. Time always has a way of slipping by. I intend to get over here all the time to write about this or that, but something else always comes up.

I've noticed that blogging in this kind of sense isn't as popular anymore. Most people are using YouTube for this type of thing and reserving blogs for business. That has made me wonder if I should keep writing. I have thought about vlogging, but it's just not the same to me. I don't love being on camera. Speaking doesn't allow me the creative room that writing does. It does allow more available time, I would think, but that is likely the only positive I can think of for that platform. So, for now I will write as time allows.

This week is going to be busy with a lot of big things. I have IEP meetings for both of the boys, or should I say "young men"! Ha ha. They are both in high school now. I am still homeschooling Beans, but he still gets speech services through the school district.

Bubby is a junior now and his meeting will be highly focused on transitioning out of high school and into some kind of vocational school, or program. He has stood firm in that he doesn't want to attend anymore schooling after high school, so I guess maybe it will be a program? They do have several around here that he can get started doing soon. It's an exciting and anxious time for me. I feel so nervous about helping him to make decisions. It feels like the beginning of school again, I guess. I used to feel so intimidated by the school administrators and think that it all seemed so scary and permanent. I realized a couple years ago that it wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be, and that I had all kinds of options for schooling if one didn't work out. I was stressing too hard over nothing. Now I have that part figured out, here comes another new chapter that feels scary. Guess that's how it goes.

Bubby will also be turning 17 Friday! He was so little when I began this blog. I can't believe he's already going to be 17.

Of course it's fall again.

Monday, August 27, 2018

Local Woman Knows Everything About Straws and Disabilities [SATIRE]

Florida- Local resident Karen Smith cares about sea turtles and she wants you to, too. That's why she makes it a point to leave negative comments under any Facebook posts that discuss leniency when it comes to straw bans. She wants you to know that she is environmentally conscious at all costs.

"I mean, how can people be so selfish!" she exclaims as she stuffs Gogurt pouches and Lunchables into her kids' lunch bags. "Ever since I saw that one article about those poor, poor sea turtles I knew that I had to do something. I'm a busy mom, but we all have to sacrifice for the sake of them turtles," she says as she finishes her busy morning routine of wiping down the counter with disinfecting wipes.

When asked about considering the needs of the disabled population and their use of straws Karen wasn't hearing it. "I know disabled people! I have worked with them and my cousin is disabled. They don't have to have straws. If they do they can use a reusable straw that can be carried with them. It's not like they don't already have huge bags of items they carry with them anyway. What's one more small thing to carry? Maybe they can bring their own drink in a special cup that's washable? Or maybe they don't need to go to those places if they can't use them the way I do in a sea turtle friendly way.  I feel like right now the biggest impact on the environment is disposable straws, and it's my job to make sure everyone I know knows I don't use them, or condone the use of them. I really feel like I am doing something important here. This is big work monitoring everyone like this. I don't want to hear their excuses. I already know everything I need to know."

This post is intended to be satire and not to be taken seriously. Please don't leave angry comments about how Karen is misguided. Of course she is, that's why I wrote a sarcastic article poking fun at her.

Growing Older

Ahhh... February. The tail end of winter. Where I live it tends to be the harshest, most wintry, winter time there is most years, all squish...