Friday, June 16, 2017

Are You an Empty Cup?

"Get your what?" My husband replied to me from around the corner as I dashed to the bathroom.

"My polish. I bought some fingernail polish last time I was shopping so I could paint my toenails." I said, as I reappeared from around the corner holding a shiny, new bottle of muted dark pink nail polish up to eye level.

It seemed like it took several seconds for him to quite gather, and make sense of what I just said. "Oh," he replied surprised, but approving.

I am not sure the last time I painted my finger, or toenails. It's been maybe a couple of years. It's been probably a good 18 since I've done it on any kind of regular basis. It's not something that I have found high priority in the last several years as a busy mom raising kids with different ranges of needs.

I have found lately that in the last 19 years of being a mother balancing everything has left me unbalanced.

In recent dreams I find a recurrent theme of forgetting I have a baby girl, and then trying to bring her back to health by feeding, and caring for her. Almost always in these dreams I have the best of intentions throughout, as I try to tend to everyone's needs. It's not that I am lazy, or sinister in my forgetting. I try, and I try hard not to forget about this baby. Often when I do finally get to her, I end up feeding her the wrong things. I forget the food, or the milk. I do too much of one, and little of the other. Sometimes I run out of formula, and have to sub something else less healthy.

I am finding these dreams to be symbolic of my need to care for myself properly. The good news is that I am recognizing this need, and trying to remedy the situation. The bad news is that I am not quite proficient at it yet.

What does it mean to care for ourselves, though?

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Some People are Just Jerks

Something happened recently that caused me to rethink a huge chunk of my philosophy towards human behavior.  It wasn't the event that is important but rather what I took away from it.

I used to believe that 99% of people were inherently good. I thought that there was only the 1% of humans that were so bad it was thorough to their core. I still believe that, to a point. I do think that most people in general possess a conscience that will kick in during serious situation. Situations like murder, rape, and robbery, ect... In general most of us instinctively know those things are wrong, and it would be hard for anyone to even manipulate us into those actions.

But, what about less serious actions?

This is where it gets fuzzy.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Trying to Get Away from Myself

Here the last week or two I have been a bit melancholy. It's a depression that has me in limbo of almost okay, but then not quite. The blah feeling that waxes and wanes as the day progresses. I highly suspect that it's been induced by the withdraw of  meds I was taking for migraine prevention. As my body struggled to readjust once again I am found myself slowly sinking into a place of apathy, and sadness.

My brain reacts as I feel it should. I start questioning everything. I begin to feel as if something is perhaps missing, and I need to find it. It's a logic puzzle to my brain. "Something is not quite right. Something is wrong!", it says. My brain sounds the alarms.

The ways in which I react are often not useful.

I often begin to search for ways to solve the problem. If there's smoke, there has to be a fire. Right? So, I begin my futile, but busy quest to find out what is the root of this sweeping mood shift. I make mental checklists of items that could be contributing to my feelings of despair, and frustration.

Could it be that I'm not getting enough sleep?
Maybe I'm not eating well enough.
Am I in need of more alone time?
Do I need to get out more?
Stay in more?
Exercise more?
Exercise less?
Do I need to set new goals, so that I am not so restless?
New friends?
Old friends?
Less sugar?
Less caffeine?
Is the answer more time with nature?
More yoga?
Too much technology?

The list is exhausting, and long. I could go on forever, but there's no point, because the answer isn't in my habits. It's in my brain.

As I said earlier, I suspect the reason behind this unstable mood of mine is the medication change. Meaning there is no way out, but through it. But, my brain doesn't want to hear that. It's natural for us to jump to changing things when we're uncomfortable. It's how the physical world works, and how the human race has flourished. We problem solve. When something feels wrong, or off we spring into action to shift this feeling to one that feels better.

Except emotions, and states of  being do not work like that.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Managing Life with Migraines

Today was another doctor's appointment for me, in yet what has become a long, and sometimes desperate search for relief from the chronic migraines in which I suffer.

This time I went in 90% with my mind made up that I was finished with preventative meds. I wanted to remain steadfast in this stance, so I would not be persuaded in the moment, only to regret my decision on the way home as I often do. Still, I left the door cracked open so I could listen to reason, with a healthy mind frame of skepticism. I wanted to express that the current preventative med that I am taking is not helping, and the side effects were outweighing the benefits at this point, namely weight gain (which is a very touchy subject for me to begin with) and stomach pains.

And, so I did. I explained how I feel like I can't separate the side effects from my illness(s) at this point. There's no way to differentiate what is where, and I'm tired of putting my body on this roller coaster with only a small amount of relief. I asked for a pain reliever, and a break from everything else related to migraines. Long term, this may not be a good option. I'm aware of this. I just feel it is for where I am now. I can always take the doctor up on the offer for another med, or a referral to a neurologist later on.

I'm sure that there are loads of people that are in the same situation as I find myself in right now, chronically ill, and feeling like they're out of options for relief, or even a shot at living a life that they once knew. It's hard to accept

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Body Image and ED-From an autistic perspective

Last night I participated in a Twitter chat about eating disorders, body image issues, and how they affect me as an autistic woman. I didn't find Twitter to be as accommodating to my long winded style of writing as I'd have liked. I thought that maybe it might be a good idea to do a blog entry on this topic, as it does seem to be a popular one that needs addressed.

After the chat I had so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I am not sure how to organize them here to share without this entry turning into a small novel! The questions, and answers brought forth memories long forgotten. There is something about looking back on certain things in one's life as an older adult, and having a different POV, and appreciation of things that only time, and maturity can facilitate. Some things shifted into place, while others still remain tangled within my odd personality of contradictions.

As a young child I do recall not having a very positive relationship with food. How much this contributed to my body image issues, I don't know. I know it didn't help. I was always a very thin, underweight kid. There were always more interesting things for me to do than eat. I don't think I find the same enjoyment out of eating as other people do. Most of the time I would eat just enough to make the annoying hungry feeling go away, but not enough to be very full.

I had a certain way I would eat, as well. Things on my plate could not be touching, and certain textures were not okay with me. I would eat only one thing on my plate at a time.

I don't think I can stress this enough to any, and all parents

Friday, March 24, 2017

Living with Mesothelioma – A Hopeful Story



Living with Mesothelioma – A Hopeful Story 


Mesothelioma is a pretty devastating diagnosis to get. The statistics are grim, with very people ever being cured of this kind of cancer. I got my diagnosis, like many do, later in life. I am over 50 now and living with mesothelioma. Although there is not much chance of being cured, I am fortunate enough to benefit from treatments that help me live my life in spite of the disease, and I get to tell people about my story and make a difference.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Dancing With Danger-Understanding How I Process Dangerous Situations

One common trait that is often present with autism is the lack of fear of danger, or a lack of awareness to apparent danger. With children, and even some adults this might look like a person jumping into deep water even though they can't swim, or jumping off of a high place without regards to bodily harm. Some individuals might step out into busy roads without looking for oncoming traffic. I think those are all obvious actions that stand out in a big way.

But, some may ask; Is there less obvious situations where an autistic person might find themselves in an unsafe situation, and not know it? The answer is unfortunately, yes. The older we get the more sophisticated the situations become. Some of us might find ourselves elbow deep in social situations that seem straightforward to others, but elude us.

For example

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Chronic Pain and Autism

I know that I have mentioned it a time or two (or more lol) that I have a few different chronic illnesses that cause me pain of varying degrees almost daily. It's something that I have been dealing with for awhile now. How long, I can't tell you. I can't tell you because I don't really know. See the thing is with the way my brain sorts out pain signals, and how my body responds to them I am finding out isn't quite "normal". Yeah, I know that no one is "normal". What I mean by that is that my sensory perception is different that a typical person's due to being autistic.Throw into this mix the fact that I didn't always have a very responsive family that took me very seriously, or made my well being a priority on any kind of consistent basis, and we have a person that is all over the place in terms of how I experience, report, and explain physical pain to anyone.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Healing From Family Estrangement- Finding a place for my pain

I have always thought that with enough time and healthy coping skills a person would be able to somehow "get over" or feel free from an abusive childhood. I don't think the term "get over" is quite right here. Maybe find a good space for one's past to fit into, and move on from there in a healthy manner is a better description than "get over".  I thought that negative feelings surrounding the subject of my childhood, and my estranged family would eventually cease to affect me if I just worked hard enough at being a healthy person.

I am beginning to think that my previously held beliefs are wrong.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Thoughts for 2017

In one of my recent posts I posed a few questions to get me (and hopefully all of you) thinking about the things I'd like to bring into this year, and where my mindset is in relation to my goals. I wanted to have this post done before January 1st, which is funny to me, since it's now January 22nd. Sooooo, as you can tell, my new year is busy. It's okay, though. It happens.

Let's dive in with the questions.

What has gone right/well this year? How do you plan to keep facilitating this into next year?


For me I would say that my relationship with my husband has improved, and he has been helping out around the house, and with the kids so much more. I would facilitate this by encouraging him, and making sure he knows I appreciate him, which are not my strengths, so that will take some work on my part to remember.


What has not gone as well as you'd hoped, and how do you plan to cope/change with it this next year?