Dreaming Of The Past, and Looking Forward To The Future

I am one of those people that have vivid dreams that are colorful, lifelike, and so full of emotion.  I have
written about my dreams before on this blog. At first, I was hesitant, but then I am thinking...how could I leave off such a vibrant part of my mind?  How can I write about my experiences while leaving behind a big part of me?  My dream state sometimes is so real that I can't hardly tell the difference between awake, and a dream.  I don't know if this is due to my Asperger's that my brain is wired to express itself in such amazing description inside of my imagination while I sleep.  I don't know if it may be because my emotive state is so stifled while I am awake that it must express itself while I am unconscious.  It could be any of those things, but I do believe that having different way of thinking is a huge contribution to dreaming with such voracity.

Managing Negative Behaviors With #Autism & #ADHD

I am a member of a lot of autism pages on FB, and I read a lot of autism related blogs, ect.  There is a recurrent theme that I see played out everyday. It's hard for me to address it as a general concept because I don't do general concepts very well. I am a detailed thinker.  I am going to try, because this subject is very important to me.

I'd like to discuss the way I see parents handling their child's 'behaviors'. I really dislike that word,  behaviors. Let's call it responses. That's what they are. Everything a child (and let's face it, people in general) does is a direct response to a trigger. The trigger can be negative, or positive.  It can be physical, something that can be felt with the senses, or private, something that is only evident to the person feeling it, but nonetheless just as valid.  Since a person who is on the spectrum senses the world differently parents have to parent differently. I think this is a hard thing for parents to know how to do that. It's even harder for other caregivers, such as teachers, who may not have any experience with your child before suddenly noticing what appears to be 'naughty' behaviors    responses.

Let's go with a common one that I hear almost daily.The following is an example only, and does not represent any one person.

 Little Johnny walked up to James and punched him. When the teacher saw, she thought to herself, "oh, here we go again! Johnny is such a brat. I am tired of him. He needs some serious discipline. I'm going to let him know he can't behave this way. His parents really need to do something about him. I'm going to let them know about how much I don't appreciate their child's behavior in my classroom!"  The teacher doesn't understand Johnny's autism. She thinks he's naughty and already has that biased in her mind that he is, which means she's always on the lookout for behavior to correct from Johnny. She feels compelled to let him know that his tactics will not work in her class. Any positive behavior is now overlooked by her and negative behavior is exemplified. She relentlessly calls and emails Johnny's mother, who feels embarrassed that her child is misbehaving.  Maybe, she feels angry that the teacher doesn't handle it very well, but since in our society having a child that acts out is seen as parental failure Johnny's mother feels powerless.  She sees this situation as a reflection on her parenting ability and allows the teacher to talk down to her, back her in a corner and influence how she deals with Johnny when he gets home.  Johnny's mom makes decisions based on her emotional reaction to the situation, which is to punish Johnny for misbehaving.  This further frustrates Johnny.  The cause of his behavior is never addressed, he learns that he is always to blame, so he acts out more. The cycle continues until he's an adolescent and now angrier than ever is physically intimidating his family. Johnny has never been given the right supports to deal with his autism and his emotions. He has learned that he is always the bad guy, the wrong one, and that no one has his back. He acts like he feels, which is out of control. He lost the game before it even began.

Sound familiar? So what can you do?

*The first thing to do is to learn as much about autism as you can from those who have it. If you're here, there's a good chance you're already doing that.

*Make a decision that you will try to objectively view every behavior your child has as a direct response to something.  This means, try to get to their level and see through their eyes. It is unlikely that they are doing anything to just upset, or manipulate you. Get that out of your head now. Every behavior is a communication about a need. It's your job to figure out what the need is.

*Which brings me to the next part. Put on your detective hat. If you can't automatically figure out what your child keeps getting upset about, keep a behavior journal. Write down any emotion changes in a chart.  See if there are any patterns.

*Put on your advocacy hat. Don't let school officials talk you into the corner.  Be confident. If you struggle with this, find someone to help you.  I have not gotten one call from the school about either of my boy's behavior. They know that if they did, I'd demand a Functional Behavior Assessment and call a meeting. I would be in the classroom observing (which I do time to time anyway) to see what supports they need to be more successful.  The school staff know this. They know I expect them to support and respect my kids and will have to deal with the business end of a advocacy lawyer if they don't. 

*This point may raise a few hackles.  I'm going to put it anyway. It's what I truly believe. If the school can't get it right, or other program, then don't continue to send your child there. Sometimes, you can make the school or other program comply by law for certain things, but you can't control how they talk to or treat your child. My youngest qualifies for Extended School Year. I dislike the staff and have a strong feeling that things aren't always positive and on the up and up there. I don't send him.  He needs it and it's great for me to have that break, but it's more important to me that my son is treated well, so he does not attend summer school.  I never want him to feel like my needs come before his, or that I won't go out of my way to keep him safe.

*Do not punish meltdowns. Ever. Remember that a meltdown is a direct response to something. Solve the problem, and the behavior will go away.

*Learn about Positive Behavior Supports and how to be a consistent parent.

*Learn about sensory issues and how to help your child with those.

*Keep things on a routine as much as possible. Use visual schedules or written ones if your child needs it.  Remember that transitions are hard for us.  Count down before sudden changes. Example: "We will be going home from he park in 10 minutes" "We will be leaving in 5 minutes.." ect.. Don't just suddenly decide that things need to happen, then wonder why your child is suddenly aggressive, eloping, or crying.

*Learn about Executive Functioning issues. Use some of the strategies mentioned in the paragraph above to help your child best process information and prioritize time.

All of these things, if done for the ASD person, will provide an optimal level of support, and when ASD individuals are properly supported you will automatically see a decline in behaviors. 

Sensory Solutions Part One:

In the next few entries I'd like to talk about the sensory system , sensory processing issues , and some solutions for these things that can commonly occur in people with neurological differences.  This will probably be a two or three part series, so that I can cover the topic thoroughly.  It's such an important area to address when dealing with disorders such as autism, asperger's and sometimes ADHD.  If we can get the sensory system operating optimally so many of what parents and clinicians call 'behaviors' would disappear.

The sensory system is a wonderful mechanism allowing us to process the world in our own private way.  We all have experiences in the sensory realm that is individual to us at any given moment.  We seek these experiences out, and are often equated to the feeling of what it means to be alive.  Memories are even stored around this information.  A certain smell of perfume, or sound of a song, or taste of dessert can bring us back in time years ago.  This is how potent and important our sensory experiences are to us as human beings.  However, as much as we put a high value on seeking out pleasant sensory experiences, it's equally unpleasant when our sensory systems don't work correctly.  We can get too much information at once making us feel attacked by our environment, or not enough information leading us to feel out of sorts and needing some input from our surroundings.

There are five sub-systems that make up  our sensory system:

1. Visual: This is the system in which allows us to visually interpret the world around us.

2. Auditory: the sense of hearing

3.  Somatosensory: This is the complex system we use to process touch. This one is the most diverse system we have, as it affects how we interpret  temperature, pain, body position, and tactile perceptions.

4. Gustatory: This is the system that processes taste such as, sweet, bitter, sour, salty, and umami (which is a Japanese word meaning savory, or to describe a particularly delicious food)

5. Olfactory: or sense of smell

Sometimes, when the nervous system interprets signals differently or in an unorganized way our experience of the world gets out of whack.  Our response to certain smells, sounds, and sights as well as textures can feel like torture.  This is considered hypersensitivity.  When the environment does not provide enough input via our sensory system it's called hyposensitive.  From what I've noticed kids on the more severe end of the autism spectrum seem to be hyposensitive to sensory stimuli.  Their day is usual filled with self stimulatory (stims) activities designed to provide them  with the sensory input that they crave to feel comfortable.  Although, most people on the spectrum have varying degrees of being hyper and hypo-sensitive with different senses at different times. In order to help people with Sensory Processing Disorder a sensory diet may be implemented.  It's always best to consult with an Occupational Therapist to develop a plan to suit your child best, but that is not always possible for everyone.  I'll be sharing tips, as well as different tools to help develop a workable sensory diet for anyone needing help maintaining their sensory system.

How Rules Can Help With The Big Picture

The last few posts I have written about scheduling, and changing habits and becoming more productive as well as trying to give up being so obsessive.  Probably more of this blog is about that than not! :)  I don't know about other ladies with Asperger's or other differences and how they might be similar.  I just know about myself and these things have been a struggle for me for many years.  I used to spend several hours a day cleaning my house and it was spotless without question.  Then my boys came along and I had to choose between tending to them and letting them be themselves or having a home with nothing out of place.  I chose them and had to let my house fall far below my standards of clean.  I let it go physically, but mentally I knew I had to be a failure.  I thought that my house was by far substandard,and I was not a good mother, wife or person.  I felt that everyone else noticed these things and thought less of me, too.  Now, thanks to learning some really good meditating techniques and combining them with Mindfulness I know that my self worth is not dependent on such trivial things as how clean my house is.  I am not my house, I am not my clutter and I am not all these other judgements that I put upon myself.

Getting from that rigid of thinking and self flagellation to more balanced thinking was not easy, nor overnight.  I used many of the techniques that I have already listed in previous posts.  I am still a very rigid thinker and that's not likely to change.  No amount of meditation and mindfulness is going to be able to change how my mind works to that degree.  My brain, works on rules.  Everything has a rule.  I am not over-exaggerating. There is not much I don't do that I have not thought through, decided on how to best carry out every little detail to increase functionality and efficiency.  These rules become a ritual and I don't care much for these being changed unless I have lots of time to think about it first and acclimate.  The order in which I load the dishwasher to the order in which the towels are put away, to the order in which I watch TV programs on my DVR all have rules.  Those rules all serve a purpose to me and for me.  They make sense in my world and they make me happy when carried out.  They make me equally unhappy when they are not.  Even though I get overwhelmed in the wake of the hurricane like mess my husband leaves everywhere I think his chronic disorganization was okay with me, because I could control my environment.  I could control my world. I make the schedule (because he can't) I decide where things go, and what bills get paid.  He can't (or greatly struggles) do these things, leaving the door open for me to be in a relationship that is almost like being alone. 

So, rules have been my way of getting things done, even with mindfulness.  If I have a rule, I can cope. My brain has something to latch onto.  I have lost weight by making rules about how much to eat and when.  I make rules about exercise, when and how.  When cleaning to give myself more flexibility and be more productive I bring a timer.  I have tried several different methods, but this one has worked the best.  I alternate half the house every other day by cleaning 5 rooms a day.  I clean each room for 5 minutes and when the timer dings I stop.  I have to move on to the next room.  Otherwise, I'd be so overwhelmed with details that I'd be in one corner of the house all day doing things that most people reserve for spring cleaning.  You'd be amazed at what you can get done in 5 minutes, especially if you move quickly, because you know you only have 5 minutes!  I do one room a day for 20 minutes, so that some bigger cleaning like mopping and such can also get done.  That's only 45 minutes a day, but it seems to do the job.  I don't always get to it daily, but I try.  Without my timer, and without my rules of time I'd be stuck on details either not moving due to feeling too overwhelmed by the totality of it all, or I'd get too involved and get next to nothing done in the way of the big picture.  Keeping the big picture in mind is a difficult thing for me to do. Feeling like I have some structure helps me to move ahead towards my goals.

Organization Tips for Autism and ADHD

In my previous post I talked about some of my issues with getting organized.  I have some tips, as wells as the rough diagram of my to-do list I've been using for awhile.

First, let's talk a little bit about why someone might have issues with being organized.  Executive Functioning is a term that is defined by the ability to organize information and stimuli, while regulating one's own emotions, and thoughts, as well as prioritizing what needs attention. That's a very basic definition, anyway.  Executive functioning is impaired/different in people with neurological disorders, such as Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD.  In my family, all 5 of us have an issue with one of these two conditions.  While the reasons why I struggle to be organized differs from my husband's the results often look the same.  The only difference is that I can figure a way out of it, where I honestly don't think he'll ever have the skills, as well as he really doesn't care if things are messy, disorganized and off schedule.  I care a great deal.  My basic to do list is divided in 4 quarters:




DAILY TASKS :                          

  In the upper hand corner here I have my  daily tasks.  These things generally need done everyday, like dishes, laundry, exercise ect... If you find you don't have to do the task that day, then cross it out. These are your basic tasks. These are in the Have To Do category.      

 NEED TO GET DONE:

 On the right side I have things I Need  done that aren't daily activities.Such as,  important phone calls, errands, appointments.  Also, other things that are weekly like washing sheets.




   PROJECTS: 

  On the lower left hand side is where I put tasks and projects that are more long term, so that I still have them in my  mind and can plan on moving them to my Need list.  I also put stuff that I want to get  done, but may not have a chance. I try to resist  the urge to clutter up the Need area with things that aren't urgent. Prioritizing is key. If I can just get my daily tasks and Need tasks done, then I feel  I've accomplished enough.

                                                                                                                                                        NOTES:   

On the lower right hand side is where I put daily reminders, and messages. I even keep phone messages here. This reduces clutter by using one sheet of paper for everything.  At the end of the day, I put any important info or phone messages in my notebook, or wherever it may need to go.  The list goes in the trash.