Thursday, January 3, 2019

This Year's Theme: Acceptance

I've never done well with new year's resolutions. I don't think I have ever even made a serious attempt to make any. I think a lot about it. I think a lot about a lot of things. I think thinking is probably my number one hobby if I am to be honest. Hahaha. But, I have never in my recollection, made resolutions on January 1st that require me to give up something, or change myself into something new for a new year. It's just not my style.

Goal setting, however... that is different. I know some people might see them as the same things with different names,  but to me they are not. Resolutions are, within this context, something to rid of, or banish. It feels like it's almost a punishment. Like, I'm gonna somehow be different come January 1st. December 31st, cake and alcohol, but January 1st it's all kale and smoothies. "I'm getting serious in 2019", I hear people say. It's straight from one extreme to another, usually without a long term plan of sustainability. Just the end goal in mind. People usually know what they want, and they have a kind of clue how to achieve it short term, but not on hard days, or days when things aren't following the plan, or all kinds of other obstacles.

I do usually make some goals in January of every year. I try to make them realistic and flexible. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I like about how my life is going, what I don't like, and how I'd like it to be. How can I get from where it is to where I want it to be? What things, big and small, are in my way of living the best life I can be in my current circumstances? I'm not going to use patronizing words like "living my best life" and woo woo stuff like vision boards and whatever else those best sellers out there are using to try to get you to buy their books and other merchandise. I'm not about that. You can read my crappy advice for free. 😄  I do have health issues that I have no control over that have a serious effect on my life. I don't have the privilege to even try to pretend that I can just make a few different choices and poof away chronic pain and fatigue leading to me being on top of the world living my best life. I'm not going to positive think myself there.

I have to be realistic in my ventures, but that doesn't mean full on pity party. It just means not basing this year on being the year that I'm  gonna find that doctor that's gonna help me feel better, or do anything at all about my physical condition. I can't control much of that, within reason, so I can only control my own resources.

I did make some progress on each of the goals that I made  for myself in last year's post.
I would like to continue working on some of those goals, especially the goals of being more selective about who and what I give my time to. I get into such a habit of scrolling on my phone that I get lost in it before I realize it I have spent several minutes doing practically nothing, and when done several times a day, it really adds up. Part of that is really executive functioning issues, which is not fully under my control,  so I need to be gentle with myself as I work toward finding better ways to work out repetitive energy that I have pent up. It is there and it serves a purpose inside of my stimmy autistic brain. Some days I will not be productive because my brain isn't going to be working very well and I need to be able to recognize those days and get done what is absolutely necessary and have a back up plan, even if that plan is play on fb for 2 hrs. Something that allows me to be who I am without shame or guilt, but is still planned for, so I don't fall into a cycle of bad habits without realizing what's happening unable to stop.

I really do want to write more and do more. Just more of everything that makes me happy, but that isn't always possible with health and other issues in my life right now, so I think I will my last goal as acceptance.

Learning to be okay with where I am and what I can do, even while admitting it's not my ideal. Leaning into what is here instead of pushing it away because I am so caught up about what isn't. Maybe today isn't going to be __________, but maybe I can still have it work out like _____________.  Understanding that there is side roads that I can use and even if they're inconvenient, detours are okay.

I know when written that way it sounds poetic, but when lived it isn't. It's doesn't have the feel of poetic words when due to life circumstances you tidy a room and sweep it when it really needs dusted and mopped. It doesn't have the romantic feel of quaint detours on dusty roads on a warm day when you skip shower day, because you have no energy or time. So, make no mistake that this acceptance I speak  about is not always going to feel good,  or come easy. It's about finding new ways to do things and being okay with some things I'd never thought about. Creative and strong is better than frustrated and depressed.

What do you think about New Year's resolutions? Do you make them?

1 comment:

  1. I like it. Definitely one of my theme words too. We do so much by being with what is.


If you'd like to follow all comments to this post, please click the 'subscribe by email' link under the comment box. I always reply to every post, and appreciate all feedback. If you have issues getting your comment to post you can email me your comment at Blogger sometimes loses a comment when the user goes to post, so it is always advisable to highlight and copy your text before hitting the post button.