Today was the first day of 2018. I don't really get into the whole 'new year, new me' type of thing, but I do like to take some time in late December and the first days of January every year to reflect on my life. With my always [over]thinking brain my life, and it's direction, purpose, and meaning is probably something I reflect on about every other day, if I were to be honest. Heh. I probably never fully stop thinking about it. There is just something more appealing, more magical about the concept of evaluating one's place in life at this time of year. Possibly because others are partaking, and it's a good time to share with each other our visions of future goals, and past aches.
As I sit in my quiet, dim lit living room sipping sleepytime tea as the clock approaches midnight I struggle to come up with concrete words to define what I would like to do in this upcoming year. I think the irony hits me that at an age where I am feeling more and more content with me, my physical body is beginning to flail, and gray hair is now the norm, if I dared to skip the dye for more than a few weeks. My youth is quickly fading into the distance, but I have never felt more alive. I don't mean this in the way of not having struggles, or that I began meditating, and now inner peace has beget me. Not at all. It's deeper than that. It's not a skill, or a place. It's more of a state of being that I've acquired, like a level in a game. Ha. It sounds pretty cool to say that I'm level 39, and have collected wisdom points. But, I have, and not everyone will be the same on level 39, but that is where I am.
I don't know what's different. I can't find any one thing to tease out of this tangle of inner concepts of feelings, and well being to definitely say, "This is what changed." I just know that I feel as if no matter what happens I'll be okay. even if I'm not okay, I will be okay again. As a matter of fact, I can bet that there are gonna be times in life that are so hard, that are so arduous that I won't be okay, I won't feel okay, but I will exit out on the other side, eventually. The only for sure thing in life is that there will be challenges, and smooth times, and mostly in between times, but the difference between now and earlier is that I felt like I might not be able to handle them. I didn't enjoy much of the good times, because my anxiety was always preparing me for a bad one, as if a person can ever be prepared for life's extreme challenges, anyway. It doesn't matter how hard we try, or how much we think we can, we can never truly prepare for situations like loss, and catastrophe. Losing people we love, and life shattering events, and even facing our own mortality are pieces of life that we try to predict with worry to give ourselves the illusion of control, but in the end we have none. We try to make sense of the patterns through the chaos of life, because we fear the fragility of it all. One thread might unravel everything. While that's true, I know that I can face it. I can fall into turmoil, and come back out again. I know this because I've done it again and again. Nothing is permanent, least of all not an adaptable human such as we all can be.
This whole different way of filling out my own skin has opened me up to accept more positive experiences. I don't fret with worry as much anymore. I don't find myself as dragged dow
n with so much negative scenarios that I fail to notice opportunities.
The last few months for me has been filled with new experiences from volunteering in the community to meeting new people. This is likely partly due to a med increase that had the wonderful, surprising side effect of lessening OCD symptoms, which has let me greatly expand my feelings of well being, as well as participation in life in general. It's kinda hard to see very far beyond my own nose when anxious thoughts keep me looping, frightened, and consumed with..... well..me.
I'm still unsure about the future of this blog. As I move away from a theme of writing about mostly autism I find the number of readers to drop. Perhaps this more open style writing is too broad. I've never really been loyal to one genre, or even group. I'm happiest when I am on my own, doing my own thing, but still connected to others in some way. Kind of like a small child parallel playing next to a peer. I'm a nice, trustworthy, dependable, approachable person, but I don't belong to any clique, or group. Fiercely independent, but cooperative. Just don't crowd me in, or coerce me into a set of beliefs, and we'll do great together.
There's a lot I want to do, and explore in this upcoming year. I hope that you'll stick around to read about my experiences, and share yours, too.
Here's a list of a few things. I'd love to see your lists if you have one.
* Enjoy my physical being by expressing my fashionable side more often. I want to put together fun outfits with jewelry and enjoy feeling like I look nice.
* Spend less time deleting emails, and just wasting time online. Unsubscribe to the noise, and pull in my focus.
* Do more writing!
* Make more recipes and explore new foods!
* Much like the unnecessary emails, let go of what I don't need. Re-evaluate where, and on what/who I spend my time. Time is finite. I need to reign in what I spend my energy on.
* Take control of things, and learn to problem solve without letting depression interfere with it's poor me views.
And so much more, but I think that's a good list to begin with.
Happy New Year Everyone. <3 b="">