Friday, October 11, 2013

Processing Change & Almost Depression Days

Today is going to be one of those days where I need to keep moving, even if I don't want to. I will have to push myself, as I can feel the energy, and optimism slowly creeping out, as darkness, and self-doubt creep in.

These days are processing days. Days that I need to do, as my mind processes all that has happened recently. That is how my brain works. It often downloads in the background as I do other tasks. Kind of hard to explain, but much like a computer updating software. I take in lots of info, but it doesn't quite 'download' right away.

It takes a lot of my energy to try to take in a lot of new changes, and information. This energy has to come from somewhere. For me, it often comes from my mood, and forsakes efficient cognitive processing for daily tasks.  Mostly my mood, though.

Days like today are days long with dysthymia.  Dull, color faded, melancholy days that are drawn out. I make myself keep moving through it, because if I sit, and think too long that negative voice gets too loud to block out.


"You can't really do this."
"What are you thinking?"
"You never were that smart."
"There's really nothing good about you."
"You should just give up blogging/writing/baking/parenting/being a contributing person. You were never any good at it anyway."

I know this is just one of those days, and that it will pass.  It all looks gloomy, and I feel like I'm dangling my feet as I sit on the edge of a pit of despair.  I am unlikely to jump.  It's like an almost depression.

No one knows how to deal with my almost depression mood. I never indicate that I need anything. I wouldn't know what to ask for, or how to ask anyway. It's something I primarily deal with alone. I feel a quiet desperateness that gently tugs at my chest that reminds me of the hollow heavy sad feeling one gets when we suffer a great loss, just a lesser density. It's one that asks for reassurance , but not loud enough to be heard. This quiet desperate need to be reassured is one that I don't understand. It's a misfit in my emotional basket. I don't know how to deal with it, and I feel unable to express it with any success that renders it recognizable to others as what it is. My attempts at expressing this feeling usually looks like something totally different, and thus gets me a totally different response than the one I was wanting, and needing from others.

These are days that I feel so much more, too. The way the sun shines in the window, or the smell of the air is nostalgic, reminding me of bygone days in my past. My senses are so much stronger when I am in this sort of mood. I am swept away by the memory of being 9, and going to school in the morning, or  I am 20 something again, and enjoying breakfast in my living room as I listen to my toddler daughter watch the same Winnie The Pooh video for the umpteenth time.

These are what my almost depression, processing kind of days are like. Emotional, tiring, but full of depth and meaning.



No more love to purchase
I’ve invested in myself
You know nothing about me
Keep opinions to yourself
No more complications
Everything’s just swell
No more obligations
There’s nothing more to tell

I just want to be alone

When I get weak or I’m tired and afraid
When I sleep all my dreams turn out the same
When I bleed I relieve you of your pain
Can’t believe you won’t let me do the same

Please give me a reason
So I can shut you out
Though your heart is bleeding
You’ve left me with no doubt
Give me segregation
Give me back my health
Take your observations
And turn them on yourself

I just want to be alone

When I get weak or I’m tired and afraid
When I sleep all my dreams turn out the same
When I bleed I relieve you of your pain
I can’t believe you won’t let me go
Let me live my life alone

Let me live my life alone
Let me live my life alone

When I’m running scared
That’s when I need to know
That you let me go

When I get weak or I’m tired and afraid
When I sleep all my dreams turn out the same
When I bleed I relieve you of your pain
I can’t believe you won’t let me go
Let me live my life alone

Let me live my life alone
Let me live my life alone

8 comments:

  1. You have described exactly how I feel at times, I can't even describe it sometimes, so "almost depression" is bang on. I realise it happens to me when I have had a busy week and not enough time to sit and process what has happened. It usually happens on a Saturday for me, and when it hits it hits big time. I feel nothingness, the day drags on so much and I constantly find myself clock watching until my husband gets home. I need him - not physically but just having him around seems to make things a bit easier.
    I'm rambling now...

    Kelly

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    1. Yes, sometimes I want my husband near me, too when I feel like this. Just to be some kind of reassurance that I am okay.

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  2. I have feelings like that too, you described them perfectly. For me what helps are little treats to myself. A walk in the sunshine. A favourite snack. Watching a favourite movie with my kids. Maybe playing a video game. It is a transition, fear of change, threshold of something big. But you know with me, usually while processing my mind figures it out and when it's done I have a surge of renewed energy and resolve. Hugs to you. I don't know you but am rooting for you and Beans.

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    Replies
    1. The little things do help me to keep moving forward, too. Just small moments to connect together until my mood improves. Thanks for commenting.

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  3. Yes, "almost depression" is a good word for it. And just doing the things I'm supposed to do, just sticking to my routine helps pass the day.
    Interesting that you write this now, because I was just noticing this week that this is exactly what is happening. Beginning of the week was a bit busy compared to normal, and now I have a few days that are... well...what you write.
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sticking with routine helps me, too, even if I don't feel like it. Thanks for commenting, and hope you're feeling better!

      Delete
  4. I'm here and I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Instead of hitting a wall of not wanting to move, I hit the blast off button on wanting to do it all and get it over with immediately. It's hard to deal with for me and even harder for family to deal with because I get almost frantic in my need to fix everything until it all feels right again. I know I'm coming up on another one of these days. I can feel it building. I'll be rushing from spot to spot making "order" of everything probably this weekend. It's tiring but it's what brings me back to ground again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can do that, too. I used to wonder if I wasn't bipolar, because of these anxious type of spells I have when I'm overwhelmed. I can go from one extreme to the other.

      Thanks for your comments, and your thoughts!

      Delete

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