On my Inner Aspie page I spoke of a little personal challenge to not correct my husband, or critique anything he does for a whole entire week. I made it about 24 hours before I blurted out "That's wrong!!!" when we were making the bed, and he was going to put the blankets in the wrong order. I tried to slow my thoughts down, and think of another way to say it, but I got so anxious. In the afterthought of it all I realize that something so small as the blankets being in the wrong order shouldn't feel so nerve-wracking. I wish it wasn't met in my mind with such obsessional urgency that I feel the energy shoot from my stomach, up through my chest, down my arm, and out my fingertips in a flappy expression of overwhelm. However, it does.
In my mind at that moment it feels like the world is collapsing. My blankets won't feel right while I sleep. They'll probably not stay on the bed right. The satin fabric one is too slippery. It will slide off in the middle of the night, and I will be cold, then I will have to get it. Then, I will be tired from fixing blankets all night. Not to mention what it will do to the color scheme of my room! They won't match like that, and then my room will look dark, and dark shadowy room hurt my eyes, and , and, and,....
That is how anxiety works in my head. I'm not trying to be critical of others. I'm trying to control my world so that I can feel comfortable.
It's not that I think I am always right, and everyone else is wrong. To me, I am simply pointing out what makes the most sense, and is the best way to go about things. It's taken me to adulthood to realize that it's not so much an issue of who is right, and who is wrong, but how I relay this information. In my black, and white world it seemed that I either had to be quiet, and let others do, or say things that I knew was incorrect, or inefficient, or blurt out my two cents, and upset them. Either way, to me, it felt like I lose. It felt like I was always in the wrong, and never got to have an opinion about anything. I am now realizing that I need to learn when it's appropriate to share my thoughts, and when it's probably best to let others do it their way. If I do share, I need to do it nicer. This entails the ability to slow down my brain, so that my anxiety is not running the show. When that happens urgency sets in, and I feel I have to act now. No time to think!
I am still working on it. I won't get it overnight, but I will improve. I am starting with not judging the behavior as a negative reflection of the person I am. Instead, I am choosing to see it as a manifestation of anxiety, and AS. My brain, and body reacted the way it does when presented with anxiety. My job is to slow the reaction time, and leaving myself a few seconds to pause, and think about how I want to react. I am working at finding the shades of gray that lie in between saying nothing, and being upset blurting out the first urgent thought that pops in my head.
I can do this best by supporting myself when I am calm. I can realize that behavior is changeable. Mistakes don't mean that I am a bad person, or have a poor character. I can assess the situation, and make better choices next time. The better I feel about myself, the more confident I will be, and less defensive I will feel. This leaves some space for my ego to be in, while I adjust the way my body, and mind react to situations that provoke undesirable responses. I think this is true for most people, especially autistics. If you want your child to change their behavior you have to offer them a viable alternative, and build up their skills, and confidence so that they will feel they can be successful. If I feel supported, and like I matter I will feel less likely to lash out when I feel emotional pain. This was definitely not a skill that my parents taught me, but I am learning it now. Wish me luck in my week long no critical remarks challenge!
Monday, August 26, 2013
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Fantastic post. First, kudos to you for working on self-improvement. It's not easy and we all need to do it. Secondly, thank you so much for your explanation of how anxiety effects the need to correct people. We parents need to know this. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, and sharing! :)
DeleteGood luck :) It took me until my twenties to realise I did this and how annoying it was for others (a not too close friend told me point blank and tho I was hurt at the time, I am grateful that she made her point so clearly).
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, my son has the same trait, which can be challenging and his younger sister is a natural storyteller and weave of tales, so gives him lots of fuel for his anxiety about what is true/right/what works.
I do the buttoning my lip thing, which is daft - my own husband bugbear is the loading of the dishwasher - he does it in an inefficient manner but I cannot bring myself to pull him up on it, so I redo it myself and mull over his many positive facets whilst I do :)
Thank you. Yes, my son does it, too. I'm also trying to teach him about being respectful of other's feelings. It's hard for a young aspie/autie to learn. It's hard for me to put in practice, and I'm in my 30's!
DeleteYes! This is exactly how my brain reacts as well...all those thoughts of all the reasons that whatever he (usually Hubby) is doing "wrong" will affect everything the entire night. I could have written the saga with the blankets here myself. :) so definitely know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right about the anxiety too, because these seemingly little things do cause anxiety that I think many just don't comprehend. I also find that when I am stressed, tired, overloaded, etc. I blurt out all the "wrongs" much more quickly then when I am calm. (I am not calm often.)
Another thing I noticed, that I wonder if you do this too, I tend to ONLY notice the "bad" the things out of place, the things that stand-out but tend to not even notice the "good" stuff. If Hubby fixed something that needed fixing, or straightened I tend to not noticed the "fix" but will notice and mention that it "needs" to be fixed for the whole week before he actually gets to it.
It is not that I do not want to acknowledge his efforts, and I often feel terrible because he has to point out that I did not notice. Now I am wondering if all my rambling made any sense at all??
Yeah, I totally get that. I am the same way. It's embarrassing to be told how negative I can be. I really don't try to come across that way, but I know I do. I won't notice 10 good things, but one bad thing and I'm all over it! I am working at it, because I know it's hurtful to him, but it's def. not a natural way of seeing things for me.
DeleteThis was great to read. I have two autistic sons and my youngest is speech delayed, moderately verbal. I see signs of him feeling this way, but I wonder how I can help when he's having this kind of moment? You are fantastically articulate about it as well as being self-aware. He can't be either of those right now. Any suggestions from being "inside" it where I could help him out when I sense one of these situations arise?
ReplyDeleteHmmm.. For a child, I might just remind them that you will fix whatever it is that is bothering them, and try to distract them if possible. Some things can't be fixed, like a cookie that breaks, and suddenly the child is in a meltdown. My son used to be that way, and there was just nothing I could do. the cookie can't be fixed. Some kids do well with another alternative activity, and some can't switch away from the upsetting event. After the fact, I am usually aware that I blew the situation out of proportion, but during it didn't feel that way. I don't think most kids have the ability to self-regulate, and think about things in the moment. That is where we can help reassure, and distract to another thought to get them off of the thoughts of upset. I hope that helps a little!
DeleteYes, this does help! In a validating way, in fact. I'm big with the distracting thing, because it works with Jaxson so well and I combine doing my best to tell him the "why" of something, though most of it goes over his head, I do find that when he does "get it" he allows me to do that reassure thing you mentioned. Because in the heat of it, he doesn't want to hear, "It's okay... blah, blah." I've also found that working it so that he feels like he has some control works very well. When he's given choices about acceptable actions, he seems to self-regulate better and come down from an episode more quickly. And for sure when he "gets it" everything goes much better because once a kid understands there is a benefit of that back and forth, something seems to click.
DeleteAnyway, I guess I'm doing what I can, I just always try and ask people with autism their thoughts if I'm struggling/working with something because often I find there's something I've totally overlooked because I can't read his mind. (If only there were a little USB port and I could plug in and see what he sees... man. I'd give anything.)
Thanks again for your thoughts. I enjoyed this post very much. Jeni ;)
You're doing awesome! I love hearing from parents trying to understand. <3
DeleteThanks so much for sharing. First, this helps NTs better understand why their partner or child may always need to be 'right.' Second, it helps me, as a therapist, discuss with my adult clients with autism, how you have coped with a) understanding your anxiety and b) learning to be more 'flexible' with your anxiety and how you express it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading! :)
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