Bubby: Why do you always do work on autism, and asperger's?
Me: Because, it's what I am interested in.
Bubby: Is it because you have Asperger's?
Me: Yes, but it's also because it's what I like to do, and learn about. Just like how like Minecraft, and Family Guy.
Bubby: And South Park! You don't look like you have Asperger's.
Me: Why not? What does Asperger's look like?
Bubby: Asperger people look uncomfortable. You look normal. You never look uncomfortable. You look fine.
Me: I get uncomfortable sometimes. You don't see me going around a lot of people do you?
Bubby: Yes. Remember when we went to the zoo? There was a crapload of people, and you weren't uncomfortable. You were fine.
Me: No, I was very uncomfortable. I don't like crowds. I get very uneasy in them. I have just learned to deal with things better, now that I am an adult. That's why I always try to teach you ways to deal with things that overwhelm you. It's so you can learn how to deal with things that are hard for you to do. Do you get uncomfortable in crowds?
Bubby: Sometimes, but only when I get impatient.
Then he was done talking. I am not sure what to think of that conversation. I do know that is what most would think of me. They don't think I look like I would have AS. I'm not what they would guess, even as a child I hid how uncomfortable I was at the expense of my own mental health, because I knew that it would be met with hostility and anger. So, for me, the adult part was kind of a lie. I did conceal my true feelings as a child, but it was not a productive way, nor one that I was able to upkeep. It wasn't an effective dealing strategy. I don't think he has the ability to understand that kind of thing, because he has no reference point to having no support from parents, or any caregiver.
This conversation was something that I really found important, because even though my son does not share thoughts about these sorts of things very often, it's nice to get a little glimpse into what he thinks about. He tends to not have conversations that are not based on facts, and things that are happening right now. Abstract conversations about how he feels, or sees the world are hard to come by, so I was glad to get the opportunity to have speak with him about this. I hope to build further on what he thinks Asperger's and Autism looks like in the future.