Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Change-How my brain processes it

 Edit: I just want to add that this is just a description of a temporary situation. I'm not in any distress right now and while I appreciate everyone's concern, I'm not in any need of support at the moment.

I feel my ears get hot and my jaw clench. My heart is racing and my eyes are are getting blurry. This is either anger, or anxiety. I am unsure which. All I know is, something unexpected happened. My regular routine was changed and I was not warned. I don't know how to take this. It feels personal. It feels like a big promise broken.  My pride feels hurt. I feel disrespected. I know that it's not that big of a deal, but it feels like it is. You tell me it's not, and that makes it worse. That makes it insult to injury. Now, I am most certainly shifting to mad. Anxiety doesn't feel this defensive, but it does feel threatening. I felt threatened, and now I feel like I have to defend my right to feel the way I do and be the person I am. I wasn't the one that made a last minute change. I am not the one who isn't making sense. You are. You changed it all without warning. You changed it all without explanation and now I don't know why. I need to know why. Is it me?  Is it something I did? Why do I feel like crying now? I must know why I am about to cry. I feel let down. I feel like I need a moment to regather my thoughts. They are racing. I think I asked you why you did this and why you changed your plans, because you say I did, but your answers don't make sense to me, so I will keep asking, until I tell you to leave me for a minute, if I remember to tell you this. Sometimes, when I am this upset, I forget. I forget to tell you that I need a minute. I ask you the same things and you get upset, which makes me more upset. Now, I know it's personal. Now, I know I need a break.  Now, you are mad, too. Now, you are telling me that I am illogical. I hate it when you say that. I don't think I like you right now.  Your words are overwhelming me with their force. I want to talk back, but I can't. Maybe, I could, but I know I shouldn't. When I feel this way my words are everywhere in anger. I just want to know why you acted different. Why did you do something out of the ordinary when we always do it in this order? Why can't you answer me with more reason? When I do things out of order I always have a reason. It's never because I felt like it. I feel like I've been lied to. I am angry. I need you to fix this, but you can't, because I am already upset. I need to be alone. I need to be in quiet. I need to know things are okay. I need to know that I am okay. I need to remember that life exists outside of this very overwhelming moment, even if it feels like forever is contained in this now.

22 comments:

  1. I'm sorry,
    Take some time,
    I will hold your hand if you would like some company.

    (I'm pretty sure this is Stephens process)
    ox

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    1. Thanks for your offer, but I am okay. I just struggled in that moment and to help me calm down and focus on my body and not on the confusion situation I decided to write what I was feeling, and share it to help others see what might be happening to their ASD loved ones when suddenly plans/routines change.

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    2. I knew you were ok.
      Just reading it you were giving me all the signs and so relate-able, like someone opened a curtain on my man's mind you know?
      When I got to the end I didn't know what to say, so I just said what I say to Stephen.
      You took me right there!
      So valuable!
      ox

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    3. I get what you're saying. I appreciate your comments! :)

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  2. I send you my affection and personal regard.

    Lori

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, but as I told Hannah, I really am okay.

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  3. Thank you for posting this. It's very enlightening.

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  4. You gave such an accurate description here! Wow! I am going to share this with my husband because it explains so many things that I have been unable to articulate. I think it will help him understand what Daniel feels better as well.

    I see in color like that I do not know if you see words in color and shape, bold, etc.. or if you were using it for effect, but I do this in the physical and when I am at this point as you describe, I think that others can see the intensity of my thoughts and words. I was unaware of that until recently when Daniel shared that he thinks we can "see" his thoughts.

    Excellent post thanks so much for sharing!

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    1. I don't always see in color, but I do when I really emotional. I see words in my head as I type. When I am emotional, those typed words in my head have colored effects. It's hard to describe, because I also still see in pictures, as well.

      Thanks for reading!

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  5. I shared this with my mom because it is exactly the process that my kids and I go through when something changes. It is hard to deal with change when you're hardwired to be a creature of habit.

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    1. I sometimes can deal with changes. It really depends on a huge factor of things, so in a way my own reaction to changes in routine is unpredictable, even by me! lol It helps for our loved ones to know how we feel, and give us the space we need to work through it.

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  6. Yeah. Thank you. You nailed it.

    If I could get my boss to understand this....... :-(

    At least a couple of times a week I find myself trying to function through urges to yell, walk out, lock myself in the gents with the light off... the guy just sits there looking bemused (or troubled, or smirking, or... I just can't read him, which makes it worse and I get paranoid about my job), then he goes back to talking about stuff like its obvious & reasonable. IT IS NOT!

    I just feel all the time like I'm coming across as obstructive, negative, defiant. At least I think that's how it comes across.

    And all the time I just want to grab him and yell "draw me a damn diagram of that, please! And give me 15 minutes to take it in..."

    I'm sure he's just sitting there thinking, "what IS this nutjob on??? What's the big deal?"

    Some people you can discuss with. Some you just can't.

    Sometimes you can control the situation, sometimes all you can do is wrap your arm round a tree and hold on, keep nodding & saying "yes" until the storm blows over.

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    1. Work situations and the like are the worst, because you have to essentially keep it in. Some people may be lucky enough to have a boss and work environment that they can express their ASD selves in, but not many.

      Thanks for your comment!

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  7. I know how you're feeling, most of this is how I think when someone change my day plan or try to keep me out to somewhere without a warning.

    And most of the people don't understand our feelings....

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    1. No, they just think we are overreacting to the situation, but to us it's a big deal! Maybe, if we explain it to them, they'll be more understanding?

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  8. loving it. hope you dont mind i posted the link to this on my blog. so great. i love that i have people i follow who can more accurately describe whats in my head at times too!

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    1. Thanks for sharing! I appreciate it and I always consider it the biggest compliment when other share something I write. :)

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  9. Wow. I don't have any kind of diagnosis and yet, this is familiar. xo Thank you for sharing.

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