Being Me

One major change that I have been working on in my life is not caring what others think of me. It is not true that people on the spectrum don't care what other people think about us. I do care, and I know others that do, too. What I don't care about is impressing people with status symbols, like clothes, cars, and a big nice house, ect..

However, I very much care if someone thinks I am annoying, stupid, ugly, a bad mom, or a host of other negative personal attributes. Not knowing always how to read people, and how to gauge situations I have learned to cope by playing it safe, and not saying, or doing anything until I am 100% certain it is appropriate to the situation.

I have stopped doing that. Now, if I feel like saying or doing something I do it. I worry that others' will think less of me for doing so, but the truth is I have to be me. I am tired of painting myself in the corner just to blend in. I'm going to do what I want for a change.

Sure, maybe not everyone will like what I do, or say, but that's fine. One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn (and to be honest I am still learning it) is that not everyone is going to like me, and I am not always going to like everyone else. It's the way it is. We're not all always going to get along.

What I have found so far is that the less I consume my mind with wondering what others are thinking of me the less I think negative things about others. I simply notice the differences between us, and that's all. I am taking things much less personal these days. It's true that people are still doing the same things that always have gotten under my skin, but it affects me less.

This new outlook has improved my life
. I find myself making choices about things I use to not even consider. Taking risks that I'd not have done before, but seeing some payoffs for doing so. I am realizing that I put too much stock into trying to predict what others might think of me. Always playing it safe, and flying below the radar never did win me more friends. It is true it may have spared me enemies, but what good is a quiet life lived if it wasn't enjoyed? Freeing myself up to express my true face has been very rewarding, and has built my confidence.

One of the risks that I have taken is writing about what I want on here, and on my page. I used to try to gauge my readers to see what they would like to read about. I would subconsciously tailor my writing to what I thought would get me more shares, and more readers.  The issue with that is that by censoring my writing to that extent I have been unable to authentically be myself. Maybe some won't like little short posts like this, or posts about recipes, or hysterectomies, or parenting ideas. I'm not getting paid to write (as much as I wish I was!), so I am going to write from the heart.

In what ways do you censor yourself? What parts of yourself do you hide away, or not express fully, because you're worried others won't accept it?