Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Off the Cuff, and From the Heart

As I sit here on my couch, and contemplate my day it's about 10:30 pm. I hear Beans running around his room tapping his an empty water bottle, and exclaiming "Daaaa daaaay deeee!" My husband slumbers half off our sectional couch so exhausted that our 55 pound dog just ran over his head several times chasing the cat without waking him. My daughter, and her boyfriend sit in the other room talking, and the floor is littered with grapes, and cracker crumbs. I still will have to clean up the kitchen, and put away laundry before bed, but that's okay, because Beans is not likely to go to sleep before 11:30 anyway. This scenario is not atypical for my house at this time of day. As a matter of fact, it's pretty on schedule for what I expect.

Today wasn't anything great. It's wasn't anything awful. It was just another day. I got some stuff done, but not all of what I wanted, or even needed to. I think that I will never have my list of to-do's completed. I could very well be 98, on my death bed still clutching my to-do list. I can see it now
, all the important stuff like cleaning the bathroom, and washing curtains.... Guess, it wouldn't seem so important then, would it?  Not that having a flithy house is ever okay, but moderation is always nice. Either I get to it, or I don't, but I shouldn't hit myself over the head for my choices. I can just make better ones next time.

My thoughts, they dart everywhere when I am in this sort of thoughtful mood.  It's hard for me to write a cohesive post where others can follow my train of thought. I'm trying, though. I don't think every post is going to be shock, and awe. Not everyday is shock and awe, and not everything that drips from my fingers is going to be that post that makes others see something differently, or learn something else. I think sometimes, as a writer going for that moving piece that will have people nodding, and sharing with emotion at my words can be daunting. It can at times, cheapen the experience of being genuine. Sometimes, I like to just write what I think, and what I'm thinking rather than a polished piece just for others. Not everything I write needs to look like it ought to go into a magazine, or other publication. Sometimes, freestyling it is nice.

So, while I am just freestyle, journal rambling I would like to say that today, I was able to walk away from a situation that normally would have had me quite upset. I was able to be hurt that my boundaries were crossed by someone else, but I didn't own their words. They will think what they will for their own reasons, and I just have to do what is best for me. My parenting ability is a probably one of the only (second to maybe my weight) soft spot I have. Insult me there, and I typically feel beat down in a quick hurry.  When people feel beat down, and hurt they usually try to fight back, and get reassurance. Not this time.  I am not going to spill out a bunch of cliches, like 'I got this!' or whatever. My self confidence is growing, and so is my sense of self. I know that I am okay, and will be okay even if something upsetting happens. I think that I have intellectually known this for a long time, but I have not been able to emotionally know this. This is my life. I am in control of what I do, not what others do. My life is what I make it to be, and I am working hard making it be something I want to take ownership of. Some days are hard. Some are easy. Not everyday will be easy, and not everything is always going to be pleasant. Some days, weeks, and even months might be unpleasant, but I have to work through it. I set goals, and I know that I am okay, even through the rougher times.

This is the insight that has taken me many, many years to find. This is the happy space that I have worked really hard at creating for myself. No more I can'ts. Now, it's how will I? If I can't, then what other solution is there for me to solve issues in my life? It used to just stop at a frustrating, I can't. No further problem solving, because it was like I didn't even take ownership of the problem. It was someone else's problem to solve, because I was always a victim. Not anymore.

'I'm not gonna waste this.
This opportunity's mine
I'm sick of complaining
about a beautiful life
How did we get here
Did we forget about all the things inside
And, how do we stay here
Do we embrace all the things tonight"


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