I woke up to my husband asking me if I was okay. I tried to open my eyes, but they were all stuck together, and I was stuffy from what appeared to be sobbing. I recall the dream I was having before I awoke, and I was sobbing in it. It affected me so much that I must have been sobbing for a while in my sleep by the looks of my pillow.
The details of the dream aren't important, but the theme is. It was about being not wanted by anyone, anywhere. I had nowhere to go that I was welcome, and yet I had to exist somewhere. The paradox was what made me feel so awful.
I have since realized that the dream was important in that it symbolized how I really feel in real life. I do talk a lot about support, and that sort of thing on this blog. Online, and in person support is very important for special needs parents. I think if I needed some advice, or support in that area I would be able to find it online. What I don't have is in person support for other life events. I literally have no one to call if I had an emergency, or just needed to talk about private matters. I don't know if this is due to my autism, or just the way life is for my family, or what exactly it is that attributes to this secluded existence. I don't have any family to call on either side if I really needed help, and I have not managed to find any close friends to that I could turn to in times of need.
What does that mean? How does that effect one's life, you might ask.
It means that I have to make up phone numbers for forms where I am required to write emergency contacts for my children. The bottom line, if you can't get a hold of myself, or their father then try again, because we are the end of the line for care.
It means that for really private matters I have no one to talk to, or bounce ideas off of. There is no one to divulge information to, and get advice, or support. I have to keep it all inside my own head, and try to deal with each struggle as well as I can from my own POV with no guidance. There is no one to ask "Do you think I'm making too big a deal out of..." or any of those sorts of conversations. They don't happen.
So, I feel stuck a lot. I feel like I don't have the answers, and I don't know who to go to that does. Sometimes, I know what is the right thing to do, but I have no assistance to do carry it out. I don't have the resources to do any better, even if I knew what 'better' was.
Sometimes, these issues aren't really that big of a deal, but they add up when carried around alone. My life in the last several months has thrown one catastrophe after another at me, and I can't seem to get myself on an even keel. One problem seems to set off another, and sometimes they don't even take turns popping up.
I have tried to find support through finding friends here, or there. Please, please don't tell me to do go join activities, or clubs to find friends. I KNOW that's what I need to do, but I can't ever seem to get it right. That's like telling an autistic child they wouldn't be so lonely if they would just find some kids to play with on the playground. Yeah, pretty sure he/she knows that. I am aware that I am secluded. What I can't force is the connection that rarely takes place between myself and others. You can't force that sort of thing. So, just joining activities does not guarantee one an opportunity to forge a bond with another person. I wish it worked that way, but it doesn't.
All I can do is carry on. Maybe tomorrow will look different, and not so bleak. Maybe I will have convinced myself that I really don't need other people, like I have so many times before. Denial is a kind of acceptance when one knows they can't change a certain situation at the present time.