I woke up to my husband asking me if I was okay. I tried to open my eyes, but they were all stuck together, and I was stuffy from what appeared to be sobbing. I recall the dream I was having before I awoke, and I was sobbing in it. It affected me so much that I must have been sobbing for a while in my sleep by the looks of my pillow.
The details of the dream aren't important, but the theme is. It was about being not wanted by anyone, anywhere. I had nowhere to go that I was welcome, and yet I had to exist somewhere. The paradox was what made me feel so awful.
I have since realized that the dream was important in that it symbolized how I really feel in real life. I do talk a lot about support, and that sort of thing on this blog. Online, and in person support is very important for special needs parents. I think if I needed some advice, or support in that area I would be able to find it online. What I don't have is in person support for other life events. I literally have no one to call if I had an emergency, or just needed to talk about private matters. I don't know if this is due to my autism, or just the way life is for my family, or what exactly it is that attributes to this secluded existence. I don't have any family to call on either side if I really needed help, and I have not managed to find any close friends to that I could turn to in times of need.
What does that mean? How does that effect one's life, you might ask.
It means that I have to make up phone numbers for forms where I am required to write emergency contacts for my children. The bottom line, if you can't get a hold of myself, or their father then try again, because we are the end of the line for care.
It means that for really private matters I have no one to talk to, or bounce ideas off of. There is no one to divulge information to, and get advice, or support. I have to keep it all inside my own head, and try to deal with each struggle as well as I can from my own POV with no guidance. There is no one to ask "Do you think I'm making too big a deal out of..." or any of those sorts of conversations. They don't happen.
So, I feel stuck a lot. I feel like I don't have the answers, and I don't know who to go to that does. Sometimes, I know what is the right thing to do, but I have no assistance to do carry it out. I don't have the resources to do any better, even if I knew what 'better' was.
Sometimes, these issues aren't really that big of a deal, but they add up when carried around alone. My life in the last several months has thrown one catastrophe after another at me, and I can't seem to get myself on an even keel. One problem seems to set off another, and sometimes they don't even take turns popping up.
I have tried to find support through finding friends here, or there. Please, please don't tell me to do go join activities, or clubs to find friends. I KNOW that's what I need to do, but I can't ever seem to get it right. That's like telling an autistic child they wouldn't be so lonely if they would just find some kids to play with on the playground. Yeah, pretty sure he/she knows that. I am aware that I am secluded. What I can't force is the connection that rarely takes place between myself and others. You can't force that sort of thing. So, just joining activities does not guarantee one an opportunity to forge a bond with another person. I wish it worked that way, but it doesn't.
All I can do is carry on. Maybe tomorrow will look different, and not so bleak. Maybe I will have convinced myself that I really don't need other people, like I have so many times before. Denial is a kind of acceptance when one knows they can't change a certain situation at the present time.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
15 comments:
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My mom could have written this years and years ago. She never had anyone, and possibly part of why was her autism... but why isn't the point. She was always and forever taking care of her family--and herself--alone. Her parents and siblings were terrible, and making friends just never worked for mom. Eventually we kids became her friends, and now she rarely feels alone.
ReplyDeleteBut there are times, because her children are her only true friends, that she needs support and honest conversation from elsewhere. I feel for her, because--though I have only one friend outside of family--my support network is huge and strong.
I don't have a suggestion for you, but I do appreciate the challenge. I hope with all of my heart that you find some comfortable connections and friendships soon. Hopefully your recent dream is a sign from the Universe that it's time, and that knowing clearly what you need will help you find it. Hugs!!!
Thank you for your comment. It does help me feel better, in some strange way, that another woman has felt this way, and lived this way, and has come out okay on the other side.
DeleteAnd, as always... thanks for your support. :)
Kinda sad :( part of me knows what you mean, but my husband is my best friend and now I have older daughters I hang out with. I found an online friend from my page who knows the real me, things I dont tell everyone. It's really helped, it's probably easier since she doesn't live here. I hope you find someone. Pm me anytime, I can just listen, maybe it will help :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband is my best friend, too, but right now he is the one in crisis. He is the one I need to support, and that leaves me without support. It's an odd situation. Thank you for your kind words. I also have a few online friends in which I chat with. They know me in ways that my real life friends never will. I think that FB may have unliked your page from my personal page (it has done that with a few pages), or maybe I never liked it from there. Not sure, but I never get your page updates unless I sign as my page. :( I will have to like it from my personal page, so I can keep up with it.
Deleteas usual, i completely get what you are saying. I actually cracked up about the emergency contact thing, because I have the same problem! I usually just put us down again. Like duh. if there is an emergency call ME.. who else could help? I do have some aquaintances from the local support group and from just living in a small town. But no one i would call for anything. I 95% love my isolation. I like the quiet and not having others expect anything from me. But I get it, sometimes and in some intances it would be nice to have people who get me? My closest friend here is my former boss when I had a job for half a year. I was lucky that he appreciated my quirks, but I also couldn't maintain the job... I hope that all the amazing stuff you are putting out there on this blog and FB page that is helping so many people comes back to bring you wonderful things. You deserve it! I wish you lived in my town and then I could be there for you. ((( hugs )))
ReplyDeleteThank you! <3 You can message me anytime you need to talk. I may not be nearby, but I am always available.
DeleteI'm sure it diesnt help right now that I am PMS'ing, but I am sitting here bawling because I could have written this blog myself. Denial, seclusion, complete lack of support. I try to ignore it, but some days my head hurts so badly I think it might explode. I also have no close friends to call or talk to...nobody to share with. I understand and I care. <3
ReplyDeleteAnd let me just day that via social media you would gave more people than you realize who consider you a friend. I consider you my friend and refer to you as such to my husband when I discuss topics you blog about. My friend Shawna. Thank-you for sharing, friend.
ReplyDeleteThat totally made my day! Seriously. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me. For real. <3
DeleteI'm sorry for what you're experiencing and I empathise, perhaps more than you know. We are also "the end of the line" for real life emergencies etc. We have a couple of friends whose names we have put down just to keep the carers and school happy but I have also spelled out on the forms that they must not ring the other numbers unless they absolutely can't get us.
ReplyDeleteWe have no close relatives near us. We don't ever go out by ourselves and have the kids minded. It just doesn't happen.
I too feel very alone with my thoughts and my problems much of the time. It is hard to ask for help, I find, even if someone offers. I am wary of telling friends too much because it seems to create an imbalance in the relationship and this is odd as I so willingly and automatically offer that to them. I do not know why I am like this.
I tend to nut things out with a non-invested third party as that has worked better for me in the past. It is not always possible though and so often, I am left with my hamster wheel of a mind, constantly trying to find solutions for the unsolvable.
When I reflect on my family situation, I see a pattern of similar "self-sufficiency" either through choice or accident. Somehow I have ended up in the same position so either it is because I never learned to lean on others or subconsciously I just don't want to. Perhaps it is both.
I love my family but geographically we are not close and even if we were, I do not feel I could hand over my children to them in all but a very limited capacity. My brother and sister have their own busy lives and responsibilities and my parents are older now ... I could not let them run around after the kids. I am cautious when seeking emotional support from them purely because they feel the need to try to solve things when that is not what I'm really after from them. I generally don't seek solutions from people, but need to voice my concerns and bounce them off another as you described. That way, I find my own solution and the thoughts are not left, rattling around in my head. It's so tricky.
I think we lead really similar lives. Please know that you can chat with me anytime. I think you know that already, but just in case you don't. I'm saying it again. It's not bothering me, or weird to message me about something that has you upset. <3
DeleteI sympathize and can relate. It is difficult to find friends you can trust and confide in. I also have a tendency to handle things myself without asking for help. One thing that you might consider is counseling. I have found that many churches (especially the larger ones) have free counseling. My husband and I have sought marriage counseling many times. Some offer it for free and others charge a small fee according to your income. It helps to bounce ideas and thoughts off of other people. They may even be able to suggest other people to talk to. It's hard to take the first step and some counselors are better than others. It's something to consider. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying. I do have some of that set up, but sometimes nothing beats having that close friend to confide in, you know? Thanks for much for your comments! <3
DeleteI can relate to feeling futile and alone. I'm physically disabled with chronic pain and being mobile is very hard. There's no way I can go out and make new friends because my body could not tolerate it and I can't give/helpout like friends do. So I feel even more isolated and impotent. I started seeing a therapist again and she has experience with teaching kids with autism so I cnan bounce ideas off of her. I also can trust her enough to tell me the truth about my parenting. I tend to expect perfection from myself even though my body is not capable and I worry my good enough is not at all sufficient. My son is getting bigger, stronger and can really hurt me so I need to manage it now yet I do not know what to do nor do I have the energy and strength go to do it. It's depressing.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I don't have a psyical disability, but am finding myself in a situation where I feel like I am holding my life together some days with bubble gum, and safety pins. I'm like a less glamorous version of Macgyver. lol It seems everyone in my family has a disability, or mental illness, and I am the one they're depending on to pull through. I am also unsure if my good enough is really good enough.
DeleteThanks for reading, and commenting!