Friday, January 10, 2014

One Track Way

There are days, weeks even, that my head is swelled with ambitious writings, and tales waiting to be typed. Thoughts spill out in such quick succession that it's almost hard to catch them in words. To convert the images that are flowing through my mind to typed print is a challenge. I love those times.  I wish that I could quit my routine, and write for days when this happens, capturing the ideas before they float away to be never pieced together again in full by my conscious mind.  Of course, I cannot.  I still have meals to make, laundry to wash, pull-ups to change, and a child to homeschool. These are not negotiable. However, in my writer's mind I could dream all day writing one track ways entertaining myself days.

I'd like to try to describe this one track way.
My mind is like a one way steel trap sometimes. leaving me feeling that verbalizing my thoughts is like moving my huge awkward pieces of furniture. It's possible, but not without a lot of effort, and planning.

This track thing is hard to describe in words. In my mind it looks like this big green conveyor belt that is a bit cartoonish looking. It creaks, and groans as it moves information along. It looks like something out of a Dr, Seuss book. It's abstract. My mind has no words to assign to it.  Only images. The information is on a singular level. I am taking information in. Reading, listening, and soaking it all in quickly. The output is also very quick. The typing, the creating. It's all done moving along on the belt. It is all self driven, and self sustaining. There is no ideas, or information put there from a person in a live conversation. Live conversation at this time would require socializing. The one way track does not transport other people's stuff.  Only my own. That requires another track. I don't always have that one available, as I said earlier. I can go get it if the need arises, but it will cost me effort, and energy. It will halt my thoughts. Progress will be stilted. Creating on this particular project might come to a complete standstill never to be picked back up again, because sometimes the green track is emptied as I find the red 2 way track. Once it's emptied I may never be able to refill it with the same quality of ideas as I had. Sometimes they vanish, and that is extraordinarily frustrating.

So, I try to avoid it. I might hesitate to answer phone, and texts. I will piddle around on Facebook, or Twitter, posting, but not answering anyone who messages me. Posting is a one way interaction. Much like writing this entry. I know that I have several other replies to other entries recently that I need to answer. My last post was one that was important, and I appreciate the kind replies I got from friends more than they will probably ever know, but yet here I am, writing a new entry instead of addressing them. Messages will go unanswered, and I will be difficult to locate during these times. I will hide, and sneak around behind the scenes, trying to not let the people that I am needing to reply to see me. I picture them seeing me online, or noticing that I have indeed seen their message, but have not replied, then getting upset. They will think I am rude, don't like them, or are blowing them off.  None of those things are the case.  I just have a limited amount of energy for output that involves others sometimes.  I'm simply just trying to conserve my energy.

For me, this is the biggest problem I have associated with being on the spectrum. It's always this tightrope balancing act between being social, and honoring my natural inclination to be alone with my own thoughts. It's a way of recuperating. It's a natural state for me to be in a quiet reflection of my thoughts.  It's how I process. It may look like wasting time to some, but for me it is the best way for me to use my time. Without it I quickly deplete my reserves. I begin to get overwhelmed, and bogged down...losing coping skills. If I lean too much one way then I risk alienating friends, and loved ones.  There's never really a happy medium. Either I am feeling pulled apart, scrambling to find my alone time, or upsetting people to the point to where they feel ignored, and slighted by me.

So, if you ever wonder if I am ignoring you because I don't like you, don't appreciate your input, or am just rude please know it's not personal. I'm just on my one way track.


  1. well I am glad you found the time to write this one, that's exactly how it feels to me.

  2. I do the same thing, so please don't let it worry you. I know that you are not ignoring me because you acknowledge me in other ways. When a friendship is truly reciprocal, you know it and I think ours is.

    But I really get where you're coming from. I have stopped blogging purely because I needed to devote too much mental energy and time to it. While I enjoyed it I stopped because I couldn't just focus on it. If I can't do something to my full satisfaction I just stop. I've always been the same.

    I also need time to think and reflect. That is a characteristic of introverted people and one that is often misunderstood by others. I find a lot of group work and teamwork difficult and (for me) non productive. I much prefer to think about things, consult with others then go away and work on something. Group work taxes me and the dominant personalities take over, dismissing input from the others. Complete waste of time.

    I just saw a funny post on a friend's timeline. It was the word "TEAM" with the blank parts of the "A" coloured in, forming an "I". The quote was "Look I just found the "I" in team, hidden in the A-hole".


    1. I absolutely hate group work. It is nonproductive for me. I just can't. I have seen the team thing. lol I laughed for days.

  3. I actually feel the same way....avoiding people but yet at the same time needing them. I am a loner, I like it that way but I know for my health and well being, I have to force my way out to socialize. Usually once I am with others, I am happy that I did it (most of the time, not always.) You don't always need to respond right away to people. It is your way of having some kind of control over your life. Other people and things take over and you need to have your little space of control. Appreciate who you are and what your needs are. You are a wonderful and creative person.

    I am an artist and I understand what you are saying about thoughts and ideas flowing though your mind and the creative energy. I love those times and wish I could just stop life and create. The times that I have been able to create something beautiful are precious to me. I relive those times through my videos and some of my paintings. I haven't painted in about 6 years due to stresses in life and have decided to get back into it this year....only this time I will be painting abstracts. I am so excited about it! I feel that it will be a release for my creative energy.

    I enjoy reading your blogs. I am not so much a writer as a visual creator. God made us this way for a special reason. I feel that many creative people are similar to us and some of the most beautiful writing and art come from people who are unique and a little odd (like us). I embrace my oddness and unique abilities.

    Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing what God created you to do. Embrace your crazy and challenging life and appreciate everything that you are. You are an awesome and beautiful person.

    Blessings, Jan

    1. Thank you! Good luck with creating! I'd love to see some of your work sometime if you'd like to share it!

  4. Surely you've read "Quiet" by now...if not, you must! I think you'll love it!

    I haven't had time to blog in months but I just scraped a post together inspired by this book. I'll hopefully post it tomorrow.

    Your thought process seems similar to many of the brilliant creators she writes about. Would love to hear your thoughts. (At your convenience though, of course. No pressure!)

    1. No, I've never heard of it. I have to put that on my 'wish list'. Thanks for the comment!


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