Thursday, November 15, 2012

Choices +Actions= Values A simple way to explain values to teens

I sat in the living room listening to my husband have a frank chat with our daughter last night about some of her recent behaviors last night.  I didn't intervene. I let him take the wheel.  This, I knew to be beneficial for them.  I don't always need to be the enforcer or the one who is solving the problems.  The issue is, if I am letting him solve them, I have to respect his process, which is often different than mine.  I may not have gave up that much control with Bubby, because he doesn't always understand Bubby the way I do. However, CJ is her father's daughter, for sure.  She may look like me, but she has his personality.  He understands her in ways I do not, as well as can read between the lines in ways I don't know how to.

There was a point I wanted to make, though. I did exercise all of my self control to not interject it.  I kept it 100% to myself, until now, because I will likely share this with them. lol

That point is:

There is no good or bad.  There are only choices. You make choices based at any given moment about what you value. Your values are not what you believe is right or wrong.  Your values are what you express by your actions. 

Right now, I am choosing to blog while I have lunch, instead of eating quickly and getting to my housework.  My actions are saying that, to me, in this moment , I value this blog over the 20 minutes I could be spending elsewhere.  It's not right.  It's not wrong.  It just is.  I will have consequences for that. Some positive,ie, I may help my daughter or someone else understand themselves, their choices and what matters to them most. Their are negative possible consequences,ie; I may not get everything that I need to done today.  By choosing this I am choosing those consequences.  Both the good and the bad.  Those were my choices, those are my consequences for my decisions and I am responsible for them.  We all do this everyday.  Every decision we make is a reflection of what we value and we have the ability to change more about our lives than we ever imagined if we stop and make our choices mindfully.  What we eat, what we wear, what we say, what we share, what we keep, these are all reflections of who we are and what we value. We aren't the past, or the future.  The only thing we can control is the present and we do that with our actions.

When I think of this concept part of the lyrics from The Dark Side Of The Moon-Eclipse come into my mind as an example of what I mean:

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.


  1. And I really think that's how teachers should be trained to see behaviour in the class room.

    1. That's true! It would be helpful if we all looked at other as a set of chosen behaviors, instead of good vs bad and good vs evil.

  2. This is excellent in so many ways!

    I just finished writing on one of my other blogs about taking a stand with myself and choosing to find value in myself. All of my decisions have been filtered through a funnel of having no value. While I know that you are speaking of everyday decisions, they are made at a subconscious level through our value.

    If you do not value yourself the decisions can go several ways, in my case, it causes me to always put people before my needs or wants - in an unhealthy way. Other people can try to overcompensate and put themselves first all the time for their feelings of low self-esteem.

    I had a moment of realization that connected with what you wrote hear and opened my eyes even more!

    Before I read this I had already linked to your facebook page because I used that image that said, "Don't Believe Everything That You Think."

    I am quick to judge my thoughts and actions based on irrational comparisons or illogical ideals when I am overwhelmed with anxiety. To be reminded that my decisions and thoughts are neither right or wrong brings me back to reality and calms my mind a bit. :-)

    1. I am glad that you are learning to be more compassionate with yourself! It is a hard thing to do, but those of us that need to the most, find it the hardest.

  3. I think that relinquishing control can be very hard for some parents (at least it is for me!) Letting my spouse take the lead is so important for his relationship with our children. Great post! :)


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