The Resurfacing Of Old Habits

Ive done a lot of writing here in this new blog about changing my negative habits into more positive actions.  Things like that are hard to start, hard to keep going and even more difficult to keep at it long term.  I'm finding myself slip sliding back into some of the old habits that I had let go of.

Before I started this blog I spent a lot of time on internet forums, and most particularly in in 2 groups that I started on a social networking site that were very active.  It is no surprise that I ran into lots of people that had very different opinions than the ones I had, even the group that was for autistic people only.  We didn't always hold the same viewpoints on issues.  The thing was, is that I would get upset and worked up when someone said something that I found to be inconsistent with how I perceived the world.  To me, it felt like they were invalidating me, as a person by telling me that what I know and how I feel was wrong.  After embarking on my journey of Mindfulness and meditation  this feeling faded to almost nothing.  I gained self awareness and in turn awareness of how others can see the same thing as I do and come away with a different interpretation of it. I saw shades of gray where there weren't any before.  I also saw how much time I spent thinking about and being involved in negative patterns.  I realized that this only contributed to me depression and if I were to ever feel positive, I had to stop looking for what was wrong and search for what was right.  My husband called this 'looking for what or who is slighting Quiet C.' thinking.  Now, don't get me wrong, growing up in a world that is not made for someone on the spectrum had it's challenges. I plan on doing a blog entry about that, to help parents understand why their kids fight so much with their siblings and pull the 'not fair!' card so often.  In short, the world isn't fair to us, and everyday it IS a struggle to be in it, as the odds are often stacked against us.  But, I carried this attitude with me like 100 pound bags of heavy emotional baggage.  It was always there weighing me down.  It was negative and attracting negative things and people.  I felt emotionally worked up all the time.  I engaged in endless debates with others, instead of using my time to promote something that would make my life better, or even someone else's.  I wanted to correct ignorance.  I knew that if I showed them enough evidence that other's would have to see it my way.  It was just a waste of time. Hours spent typing, all while growing more irritable about the injustices of the world.  I didn't realize that the more I focused on that the worse I'd feel.  I took other people's opinions way too seriously, and I'm starting to see myself do that again.

I have spent much of the last 4 days in a hot debate with others about a subject that we're never going to agree on, and that is not positive.  I have sacrificed my very precious little time that I have outside of caring for my kids arguing.  Housework has gone undone, and exercise has been cut in half.  This is not the person I want to be, or filling the goals that I have for myself.  I want to be someone who stands up for what I think in a positive way, not finding drama in everyone else's opinion and making it be about me personally.  I want to raise positive aspects of autism, with things like using this blog and some other presentations I've put together and helped with.

There's a lot wrong in this world and if you look for the bad things in it, you'll never be short on things to complain about, or get upset over.  I'm passionate and want to make a difference in the lives of others, and I know I can't do that if I spend everyday fuming over injustices.  I have to be the change I want to see in the world, so with that... I am back on track, hopefully.  I choose to use my energy to promote positive endeavors and ideas, instead of fighting against negative ones.