The Gift of Melancholy

I often use mornings to sort myself into my day. It's always been slow going, because I'm not a morning person in any sense of the word. My brain, it's slow to turn on, and slow to power down, as well. I don't know how some people jump up, and run with the day never giving pause to check in gently with themselves to gauge how things are going. How their body feels in this new day, or plan on what they might do today. For me, this is an essential part of my routine. Maybe this is why I am not as productive as other people? I don't know. Seems quite plausible that my forever running commentary inside my dreamy head is part of what slows me down. I couldn't imagine just being on autopilot, and getting straight to tasks without thinking, and warming up to the task itself first.

Today I am feeling reflective. It's midmorning, and I'm thinking that my day is getting away from me, but then I can't pull myself away from my comfortable chair, and cozy afghan covering my lap. We got a new couch the day before yesterday. The old one is gone, and my living room is completely rearranged. I am now seated beside a window that I never could see out of much before. The autumn sun shines brightly through the windows on this side of the house, as opposed to the summer positioning, which none of my living room windows face. I'm sipping coffee in a quiet living room while I watch the bright yellow leaves flutter to the ground gently resting on the faded green grass. It's odd how a simple change in furniture can make a room feel almost new again. There's a part of me that resists these changes, even if they are much more comfortable, or better than the old way, because I process change in such a slow way. There's another part of me that really welcomes the different circumstances to refresh my outlook. Neither is right, and neither is dominate. They both just are different views that I have to the same situation.

There also this other feeling. The gentle tap, tap, tapping of autumn brings

You Again? #Depression

Depression is such an interesting phenomenon, isn't it?

It has so many variables from person to person. There's not just one type, is there? No. There's literally hundreds that manifests in so many different ways within it's hosts. Some stays are for days, some are for weeks, months, or even decades. Some drag it's host to the ground and keep them there for long periods at a time, others are able to walk around, but with a feeling of a heavy burden weighing them down with each laborious step.

I do write a lot about depression. I suffer from my own type. I speak from my own experience from my own struggle with illness, because this is how I cope. Maybe your experience won't match mine at all. That's okay. With the unique way my brain is wired neurologically I have come to expect it likely won't. I'll write about it anyway, and possibly someone might see bits of themselves within these words and at least know they're not the only one experiencing them.

Catching Up

Hello everyone! This is going to be one of those catch up, update, rambling type of posts. I think some people like to read these, and some some don't. I just feel that it's been awhile, not only since I posted, but since I posted any kind of personal entry that wasn't a recipe, or how to informational type of content,so I was overdue for a real chat with you all.

So, why have I gone MIA on this blog? A lot of reasons, really. It's not a complicated story, just tedious, and boring. You know, life stuff. My husband has been really ill with a gastronomy issue that has yet to be identified by doctors. It's been ongoing for about 8 months now. That has been difficult to contend with as I adjust to doing more where he can't. I also still have chronic migraines and more. My oldest was married in late September, so that also took a lot of time, and energy. We decided to get a kitten, then two days later found a litter in our carport. Hahahaha. Some were in poor health, and required extra care. I am glad to say they are all doing great now, and ornery as ever. Almost completely potty trained, too! They are too adorable, and I blow up every social media site I am on with their pictures!

Can We Stop Vilifying Antidepressants?

The doctor entered the room, and asked how I was. "Not well," I responded dryly. "Otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?" She laughed as if she hadn't heard it before, or maybe she just wasn't expecting it from me. I had no energy for pleasantries, and small talk. My words were dry, and blunt. Any fears I may have held about what others might think of me were simply gone. It had been swept away in a torrent of blackness that had enveloped my entire being. It was such an odd feeling to be absent from anxiety, as it was replaced with a depth of depression that reached further down than I knew existed. In that office, that day I sat there with the last bit of strength I could muster, and admitted that I needed help.

What had brought me to that point? Surely it was not an overnight thing? It couldn't have been, and it wasn't. I have been depressed on, and off for the last 23 years. Quite a lot more on than off, I should say. I'd been told by numerous doctors, and psychiatrists that I had depression. When I was evaluated a few years ago the clinician tacked on dysthymic disorder to Asperger's. I balked. She didn't know what she was talking about. I was not chronically in a state of melancholy, I thought. Except I was, and I couldn't face it.

But, why couldn't I face it? What was it that made it so difficult?

Interrupting My Distraction

A couple of days ago I felt like my agitation with everyday life had reached it's tipping point. Not so much with my family as much as with everything else. There was this constant tightness that rested just beneath the surface in a tense little ball of swirling irritation, nervousness, and sadness that sat in my chest. I knew I needed to do something different, and since Facebook seemed to always make that ball grow, I thought that I needed to take a break from it.

So here I am on day 3 (I think it is?) on my Facebook break. I have checked in twice now at the notifications to be sure I am not missing important messages from the sales groups I belong to, but since I had not I didn't read any of the other notifications. I have not checked in over 24 hours. I do have a few items for sale, so I probably should soon, but I am almost enjoying my small hiatus.

You may be wondering if that ball of tension has reduced since I have taken a Facebook leave of absence. It has, but not really. It has shifted, and it has dispersed into a ton of tiny emotions, as if the ball were made of glass, and it had cracked, and shattered. The pieces went into different directions, and landed in different places, each with their own meanings assigned. As each hour passed I began to feel the significance of each shard of glass from the tension ball.

I began to notice where the pieces lay, and the shape, and sizes of each. As the hours turned into a day I began to feel the ache of piece where they lay inside. I struggled for a distraction, but my usual go to was not available. It was as if I had been using Facebook as an external distraction of my own pain, anguish, upset, anxiety, and every other emotion one could ever feel.  Without it I started to examine all the pieces of glass from the ball of tension I'd been carrying for their significance. I realized that a lot of my inner turmoil was something I may have been projecting

Surviving 2020, But How?

 Today while I was out running some errands I took note of the misty gray sky and the chilly temperatures. My stomach kinda pulled in as a familiar feeling of low dread began swirling through it. With a heavy exhale I realized it was my body remembering the winter blahs. The short,  dreary days where everything is gray and brown outside leading to an evening of early darkness that seems to drag on and on.  

I'm not the only one feeling this way. Somehow, the entire world seems to be on an exasperated negative energy shift. I was not aware that this kind of restless melancholy could be shared with so many on a global level,  but for the majority of people I know, it seems to be.

So, what can we do with all this stress and turmoil we're finding ourselves reeling in from day to day? I certainly don't have any answers that will be applicable to everyone, but I have do have some suggestions to try, and possibly tweak to fit your own life.

Find Ways To Connect:

 

During quarantine this is hard. As a matter of fact, quarantine/social distancing is probably a huge part of why everyone is out of sorts. Humans are social animals, even as introverted as I am, I need to have some kind of social contact with others, even if it that contact is different than that of an extrovert.

If you're someone who really misses socializing in person there are some volunteer opportunities that may be available in your area. In my area there is still a soup kitchen that runs on volunteer work as well as people needed to help with the food bank. I'm sure there are more activities than that to choose from, but those are two that I know of.

This one might be a little counter-intuitive, but I absolutely think it's helpful to many of us. Lean into social media selectively. Find groups to join on topics you like. Share your passions with others and encourage them to share theirs. I belong to more than one group on social media where the people are positive and supportive. If you don't have this, or can't find one,  create it!  Find apps that link like-minded people together from around the world. I have personally used some of these apps and it's so much fun learning about other cultures and people. 

Be nice. That should go  without saying, but for real you guys.... whether it's in person or online maybe skip the negative comments and leave positive ones. Sometimes I will see something that is just super rude or out there on the internet (no way, right?! lol) and I will begin typing my angry response with zero fucks to give about how it's coming across, but then I will ask myself if I would say that very same comment to the person's face. Usually, I admit to myself that I would probably either word  it differently or just say nothing, so I choose to do that online, too. It takes a lot of practice and I'm not really great at wording things the best irl, but I'm trying. With that being said, be liberal with your kind words to others.Kindness costs nothing. Give others encouragement and recognition frequently. By building others up you will also feel a positive boost in your own mood.

Learn or Do Something New:

 

You might learn a new skill, language or instrument. Maybe you might decide to start a new fitness routine, or genre of books. You could foster animals or learn a new video game. Big or small,  it doesn't matter. Changing up and expanding our lives and routines can lead to a greater sense of well being. 

Self-care

 

I know this phrase has been overused. I'm including it anyway, because self care is important. It's not always obvious, though. Self care can mean monitoring our own thoughts and behaviors and modifying the ones that have a perpetually negative outcome. That is hard, takes practice  but necessary for happiness. Maybe you don't sleep enough, drink enough water, feel a certain down kinda way after talking to a specific friend. See how changing these influences and behaviors might contribute to a more positive mindset. 

 

How have you been coping lately? Have you ever tried any of these ideas, and if so how did they work for you? Let me know in the comment section. I am genuinely curious. 

Trying to Get Away from Myself

Here the last week or two I have been a bit melancholy. It's a depression that has me in limbo of almost okay, but then not quite. The blah feeling that waxes and wanes as the day progresses. I highly suspect that it's been induced by the withdraw of  meds I was taking for migraine prevention. As my body struggled to readjust once again I am found myself slowly sinking into a place of apathy, and sadness.

My brain reacts as I feel it should. I start questioning everything. I begin to feel as if something is perhaps missing, and I need to find it. It's a logic puzzle to my brain. "Something is not quite right. Something is wrong!", it says. My brain sounds the alarms.

The ways in which I react are often not useful.

I often begin to search for ways to solve the problem. If there's smoke, there has to be a fire. Right? So, I begin my futile, but busy quest to find out what is the root of this sweeping mood shift. I make mental checklists of items that could be contributing to my feelings of despair, and frustration.

Could it be that I'm not getting enough sleep?
Maybe I'm not eating well enough.
Am I in need of more alone time?
Do I need to get out more?
Stay in more?
Exercise more?
Exercise less?
Do I need to set new goals, so that I am not so restless?
New friends?
Old friends?
Less sugar?
Less caffeine?
Is the answer more time with nature?
More yoga?
Too much technology?

The list is exhausting, and long. I could go on forever, but there's no point, because the answer isn't in my habits. It's in my brain.

As I said earlier, I suspect the reason behind this unstable mood of mine is the medication change. Meaning there is no way out, but through it. But, my brain doesn't want to hear that. It's natural for us to jump to changing things when we're uncomfortable. It's how the physical world works, and how the human race has flourished. We problem solve. When something feels wrong, or off we spring into action to shift this feeling to one that feels better.

Except emotions, and states of  being do not work like that.

Ugggg..Depression (again)

This is one of those posts that I'm not sure if  I ought to write.  It's personal. It's about how I feel and not so much applicable to the reader as it's not informational to them.  I feel more effective as a blogger when I write more impersonal posts, but sometimes, what's on my mind first and foremost is my own life and my own feelings about it.  This week has been one of those weeks.

I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah.  I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much.  I don't want to be back where I was last winter.  That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally.  When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder .  I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS.  I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression.  I have felt better these last 4 months.  So, so much better.  I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years.  I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences.  I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember.  Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away.  I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss.  I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again.  I don't want to go back to that dark place again.  I need to get a plan of action going.  So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness.  I am going to exercise, like I have been.  I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me.  I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good.  I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating.  I hope this time I can turn things around.  Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done. 

Couch Days

This was definitely a couch day. 

I awoke to colorful kaleidoscope images growing until the patterns disperse like fireworks in a 4th of July sky behind my eyelids. At the moment of semi-conciousness where my slumber ends and I fill into my body from the dream world far away I am welcomed by these dizzying colors. I open my eyes to try to focus through the fragmented light patterns as they fade into the dimmed sunlight that crosses the foot of my bed.

It's a migraine and vertigo state I have found myself in.

These days are not long, or short. They just are. Malaise and melancholy are states of being that defy time. It's an awareness of pain, confusion and blurred content all at once. It's a brain fog that submerged all thoughts into a dense tangle, leaving me to wonder what I came into rooms to do, or finding myself in front of an open refrigerator with forgotten plans. I wander through these days feeling far away and lonely, as if the physical pain wasn't enough. 

I find some kind of solace in the routines I follow for comfort. I settle into my favorite spot on the couch. The familiarity of this spot, of the space that I call home envelopes me. Strangely, these walls feel both confining and soothing. I'm both grateful and resentful for this life. 

It's approaching midnight, pulling this day to a close. I stare out the window before making my way to bed. The January sky is a muted glow of heavy clouds, illuminating the bare branches of the trees. Maybe snow? Winter nights feel so hushed and still. I love the way street lamps light the empty streets and glowing windows dot the houses with cozy people inside. 

Surely the morning will greet me with a different story than today, a blank narrative for me to influence.

Processing Change & Almost Depression Days

Today is going to be one of those days where I need to keep moving, even if I don't want to. I will have to push myself, as I can feel the energy, and optimism slowly creeping out, as darkness, and self-doubt creep in.

These days are processing days. Days that I need to do, as my mind processes all that has happened recently. That is how my brain works. It often downloads in the background as I do other tasks. Kind of hard to explain, but much like a computer updating software. I take in lots of info, but it doesn't quite 'download' right away.

It takes a lot of my energy to try to take in a lot of new changes, and information. This energy has to come from somewhere. For me, it often comes from my mood, and forsakes efficient cognitive processing for daily tasks.  Mostly my mood, though.

Days like today are days long with dysthymia.  Dull, color faded, melancholy days that are drawn out. I make myself keep moving through it, because if I sit, and think too long that negative voice gets too loud to block out.

Missing a Place In Time That Never Was

I sit in a quiet room listening to the faint clock tick by the seconds, as I try to determine what it is that I'd like to do. My mind is full of images that are too far away, and abstract to quite differentiate. My body urges to move, yet to where, or to do what I don't know.

Oh, this mood is here again.

It's a familiar state of mind. One that has hints of melancholy, mixed in a with a dash of loneliness, and maybe even boredom. I find it a confusing feeling. Da ja vue like, and without context I am without direction. It's a little bit uncomfortable, but not jarring.

This feeling, this mood, it reminds me of something. It feels like something is missing, and incomplete. It almost feels like hunger, but not quite. Hunger of the emotional variety, maybe. I can't put my finger on what I am lacking. What I am missing.

It's like my body, mind, and spirit is missing something I never had. It's a longing for a place in time I've never been, but needed to have been, I feel a faint pull to a home I've never had, filled with people I've never known, and this missing part of me is left dangling over a time that never was.

I don't know how to remedy the situation, because the feeling is so abstract. I attempt to fill the gap of neediness with what I can to pass the time. I think about chatting with others, but then my listless brain has nothing to really say. I want a connection, but feel as if one cannot be made where I am at mentally, so instead I spend my day on autopilot looking for something to distract me from this odd tugging of my heart. All of my OCD checking behaviors magnify as I check, and recheck the same things hoping to find some reprieve from this feeling.

I know that this mood will pass. Likely, it will be different tomorrow. I wish I knew what was missing. Why I miss a home I've never known, and people I've never met. How can I feel this low level of desperate need of something  have never had?

My Blissfully Active #Asperger Brain

I have spoken before on my FB page about the inability to really feel boredom.  

Let me clarify for a moment what I mean by boredom. As defined by Merriam-Webster;  the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest. 

This is different than the feelings I might get from say, melancholy, or restlessness that is borne of impatience (stuck waiting for something/someone for example), or discontent, which can be like restless.  These moods are directly related to situations, or limited ability to do or be something else. To me, boredom is by definition, lack of interest in anything anywhere no matter what.  I don't get that emotion.  This was first brought to my attention while I was attending social skills therapy with my son as a follow up after diagnosis. We were working on facial expressions in a mirror. We were told to make a bored face. I couldn't. I had no background for that emotion. Bubby did, but I know from experience his 'bored' means something is too hard and he doesn't want to do it, so he announced that it's boring, or he's impatiently waiting for something. I don't think either of those really qualify as bored. The therapist insisted that I had to be bored sometimes. I said I didn't. Even when there was nothing to do physically there is always something I can think about that's interesting to keep me occupied.  My mind is never dull or out of ideas.  I have so many that it keeps me up at night. I have so many plans and thoughts that I am unable to do half of what I think about.  

I saw this photo and I was instantly in love with it. It really resonates with my active mind and inquisitive spirit.

Can #Depression Be Useful?

I read an article the other day about depression being an evolutionary trait that has been passed down by our ancestors, because it does harbor some usefulness. I read, and re-read it. I read it several times when I was depressed, and I just re-read it again in my current frame of mind, which is melancholy, but not what I would describe as depressed. I really wanted to let this idea sink in before really having much of an opinion on it.

In the article it talks about how when people are depressed they tend to shut down almost all other activities, and focus primarily on their problems. It's narrows down our focus, and reserves our energy for solving issues that triggered the depression in the first place. This is exactly what I was referring to in my last post. I was tired, and worn out so many issues being constantly tossed my way at once that I think my brain just needed to pull in it's energy to focus on what was the most important, which was/is taking care of my family. It was also a big, huge flashing warning that something in my life was not working. I needed to take a break from the distractions of others to really dismantle everything, and really understand what was happening. There are some people that have disorders that may indicate that depression just happens to them without warning, or reason, but most of us have reasons behind why we fall into depression. Most types of depression is triggered by an event, or lifestyle that our brain did not/cannot process in a healthy manner. Depression is a way for us to examine that trigger, and what behaviors it set forth that is not congruent with our life.

Some of the triggers are not things we can choose.

Deeply Emotional & #Autistic- how my brain processes emotions

The other day when I was in an IEP meeting the assisted communication specialist was describing a new communication book that we would be using for Beans.  She described how we would point at the pictures in it to talk to him, and not just use it for him to request from us. In other words, it wouldn't really be PECs, and it wouldn't just be a one way conversation. Most of the people at the table were confused at what this meant, why it was this way, or how to use it.  The communication specialist was trying to explain it the best she could in her technical language as it was taught to her. She was over complicating it, and missing the mark. That's when I stepped in.

I explained to them that many people on the autism spectrum never think in words, and don't interpret the world in language. Some of us can learn it, and some of us can't.  Sometimes we think in pictures, sensations, or in a way that I can only describe as intuition, because there is no word for that. When we speak to my severely ASD son with words he most likely has to translate this to pictures, or to whatever way his brain interprets things.  On a good day, some of the message might make it through, depending on how familiar he is with those words in that order. On a bad day, or day where he might be low on energy none of the message will make it through.  It will be a garbled mess.  So, when we point at the pictures to speak to him, there is a conversation going on. He is not just using his book to ask for cake, or to go swimming. He is able to 'hear' us. I might tell him that I am wearing green today, and point at the color green. Or maybe, I'd like to tell him that I think it's hot outside. So many choices, but the idea is to build on receptive language in a way that he might grasp it better.

That got me to thinking about the subject of how I interpret the world,

It's Not a Choice #depression

There is this graphic that I see passed around the internet from Facebook to Twitter, and undoubtedly other areas of the net that I don't frequent. I can't find it at the moment, but it features a man on what looks like a bus with two opposing views. On the right side the man has a view of a gray, gloomy terrain. He is leaning against the window sullen, and despondent. On the left side the view is bright, cheerful, and sunny. The man looking out this side of the bus wears a happy disposition. The graphic states that we choose the view.

Every time I see this graphic I want to scream.

Soothing My Loneliness Pt. 2- Autism...or...?

After hitting publish yesterday on my Soothing my Loneliness post it occurred to me that the post might come across to some as something other than I intended. As soon as the thought hit me that evening I rushed back to my computer to edit in a disclaimer, holding my breath anxiously as I typed. I needed people to be aware that my intention for sharing was not to gain reassurance, or pity, or even necessarily solutions. I hadn't thought that it might come across that way when I wrote it, but I can definitely see how it can be read that way by others, and I needed to clear that point up before any miscommunications happened.

I also don't want the friends that I do have to think that anything I wrote is somehow personally directed at them, or that they're somehow responsible for fixing any of the issues I spoke about in that blog post. While I don't have any close friends nearby, I do have close friends far away. I find the issue of me speaking about my feelings of isolation at odds with my need to not hurt their feelings. This feeling of disconnect that I feel from others is not something they can fix. No one can. It's something that I am going to have to figure out how to deal with myself.  Sometimes you meet someone that changes your life forever by clicking in a way that you never knew a person could, but for me those people have been very, very, very rare. I care deeply for other humans, and am always willing to help almost anyone in any way I can, but a I connect on a meaningful level with almost none. My constant pull to introversion, and my constant yearning for connection with others is always at odds. It's a constant push pull that I have not yet began to even come close to reconciling. How can a person be a humanitarian, and yet a loner? I don't know.

To get closer to finding the answer I have to retrace my steps to how I got to where I am. I need to peel back the layers of what I'm about.

When I was a young teenager I became fascinated with Asian porcelain dolls. In particular the ones that have painted faces. I collected several. What I liked even more than the dolls were the porcelain mask wall hangings.