I sit in a quiet room listening to the faint clock tick by the seconds, as I try to determine what it is that I'd like to do. My mind is full of images that are too far away, and abstract to quite differentiate. My body urges to move, yet to where, or to do what I don't know.
Oh, this mood is here again.
It's a familiar state of mind. One that has hints of melancholy, mixed in a with a dash of loneliness, and maybe even boredom. I find it a confusing feeling. Da ja vue like, and without context I am without direction. It's a little bit uncomfortable, but not jarring.
This feeling, this mood, it reminds me of something. It feels like something is missing, and incomplete. It almost feels like hunger, but not quite. Hunger of the emotional variety, maybe. I can't put my finger on what I am lacking. What I am missing.
It's like my body, mind, and spirit is missing something I never had. It's a longing for a place in time I've never been, but needed to have been, I feel a faint pull to a home I've never had, filled with people I've never known, and this missing part of me is left dangling over a time that never was.
I don't know how to remedy the situation, because the feeling is so abstract. I attempt to fill the gap of neediness with what I can to pass the time. I think about chatting with others, but then my listless brain has nothing to really say. I want a connection, but feel as if one cannot be made where I am at mentally, so instead I spend my day on autopilot looking for something to distract me from this odd tugging of my heart. All of my OCD checking behaviors magnify as I check, and recheck the same things hoping to find some reprieve from this feeling.
I know that this mood will pass. Likely, it will be different tomorrow. I wish I knew what was missing. Why I miss a home I've never known, and people I've never met. How can I feel this low level of desperate need of something have never had?
Sunday, April 26, 2015
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I have had this too...you know the only thing that has fixed it has been making my home (that would not seem like a home of dreams to most because it was originally a starter home) into a HOME that I dreamt of...changing the layout, changing the decor...making it feel like a dream home even if it is not the dream home I always pictured. I realized too many people wait for THE home instead of making their home THE home. I honestly think that is why our culture is so dissatisfied too ( not you- this is off topic) but because its always moving and so materialistic yet not really focused on what makes a home. Sarah Susanka's book the Not So Big House...really helped my view points on this...and I paired down all my decor to only things I absolutely love or need...and tailored it to things that inspire...so every time I get that feeling I look around my home and feel grounded...its weird to explain. I still get bored but its different now...Of course it took a long time to get to this point...lots of slow changes, commitment to a place, and it helps that my hubby is a carpenter...but I think its roots and creatively making a place home even if it is believed to be temporary - that is a large issue in our culture...sorry that was a tangent...
ReplyDeleteI will be adding pictures of my room here soon but this is my home and what I mean...from the outside it looks like a standard split level in a starter home section of town. I decided it will be a place we will try to reside as long as possible...https://www.pinterest.com/KmarieAudrey/bohemian-living-room-and-kitchen-and-kids-rooms-fo/
regardless of my tangent...I do understand that feeling. its a strange thing...I hope it passes soon...for me also changing up my routine and walking into nature also helps...or nurturing a plant...
Those are beautiful photos! I'm not quite as decoratvely inclined as you, but I have found that doing some organizing, and changing things helps, too. Beans doesn't leave things alone on the walls, and shelves, so I I can't do much with things. My upstairs is a kid free zone, and I do love to decorate up there in my room, and sitting room. It's the space my husband, and I share that kids don't go.
DeleteThanks for sharing your lovely home. :)