Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Finding Happiness

I have different writing styles, as well as differing reasons that I blog. I have always been a writer, and there is still something so magnetic, and alluring about an empty notepad of paper that I can't hardly resist filling it with words. Words of a poem, of my thoughts, of lyrics to something that makes sense to me in that moment. Just words flowing onto an outside object from inside my head is a desire that I can't ignore. It's my way of communicating to the world, and to myself. I process the world by writing, and have ever since I learned to spell.  No matter my special interest at any given time writing is how I am going to best explore it, and share it with the world, whether anyone is on the receiving end or not.

So, this is one of those posts where I talk to myself, and share my thoughts raw. They're about as mysterious to me as unknown to you. I finally have the confidence to not worry so much about whether or not anyone is going to read it, or if this post is going to be shared, or receive comments. It likely won't, but I don't write to please others. I write because I have to express myself, and this is how I do it. How others interpret this expression is up to them, and while I love to get feedback it is not necessary for me to get in order to enjoy the process of writing.

As I have written about recently (HERE) I have begun a new round of antidepressants after a particularly trying bout of depression. It was not your typical gray depression, but rather it was a life changing kind that required action. Not just action from an outside source, such as an antidepressant, but also action in changing my life, and the way I think to be able to sustain a more positive lifestyle conducive to me needs. I'm not going to repeat everything here that I have said in so many other posts, but to paraphrase; depression is often a signal from our subconscious that something in our lifestyle, and way of being is not congruent with our needs. This is not the whole of depression, but it is often at the root.

Almost immediately after beginning my new medication I could feel a difference. It's a med that I have been on before, and have found it to be really effective for me, even though it seems to not agree with a lot of other people. It was as if it were made just for me. Suddenly, I felt a surge of energy, and a renewed sense of purpose. There were so many things I wanted to do, and experience. It was like waking up from a long sleep where I could finally do the things I could only dream of before. Suddenly, my dreams could be a reality. Life became clear again, and not this long drawn out painful, confusing fog that I had to fight to just survive through each day.

Aspects of my personality began coming back that I hadn't seen in years. Things like
my passion for life, and sense of humor, and not just the dark sarcastic kind, but the fun share with others things I think kind. As I began to feel better, and shift life lessons into place it was like I rediscovered parts of myself that I left back in my early teen years.

I began having dreams of houses with hidden rooms that I discover, and of moving into new homes with my family. The dreams carried within them so much joy, yet with a hint of trepidation that I couldn't work out at first. There were so many new friends, and relationships in these dreams where I was feeling connected, and alive, but then in some I ended up cut off from the new relationships with these new friends for some reason or another. Usually it something to do with my parents. Like in one dream the new friend required me to get a signature from my parents, and husband before I could return to the relationship, which was denied. As much as I don't think I care about winning their approval for how I live my life I have to subconsciously, or I would not be having these dreams. I have had other similar themes where I was trying to do what I wanted, but my preferences were changed to what others would like more.

I don't think that I will ever quite get over being rejected, and abandoned by my family. That is just not something a person gets over. There's always going to be that part of my life that is missing, and that feels incomplete. That doesn't mean that I have too carry it around like a personal failure. There is nothing I could do differently to make them treat me differently, because they are behaving the way they do because of who they are, and not because of who I am. I can't fix that, and the sooner I fully recognize this the better off I will be. I think we all know that we shouldn't depend on other people for an appraisal for what we're worth, but knowing it, and fully feeling it is two completely different things. If I truly believe it, then the evidence will be in my confidence. True empathetic confidence means to care how we conduct ourselves in the way of how it might negatively impact loved ones, but not in the way we let it be the authority over our value as people.

It's not going to be a quick shift, but I am prepared to try to be mindful of the things I think, and the way I react to situations in my everyday life for evidence that maybe I am seeking other's approval for my decisions when instead I should be using my own happiness as a compass. Insecurities are just signs that I need to work some more on truly being okay with myself.

Two of my main points of insecurities have been worrying if others think that I am a lazy person who just sits around the house all day not contributing to society. Lately, I have broken free of that concern (mostly) by realizing that I like taking care of my family, my husband likes what I do, and my kids are happy with the way our house is set up, so it really isn't anyone else's concern. That voice of criticism in the back of my mind where I have heard people saying rude things, or exclaiming that I am wasting my intelligence on being a housewife has been muted. I take care of the household, and do the secretarial work for my husband's business, and we all like it the way it is.

The other one is my appearance concerns, which I am realizing is about how I don't feel worthwhile as a person more than how I actually look physically. In any event, one of my current special interests is health, and fitness. I really enjoy strength training, and as a result my body as been sculpted, and changed. I have new confidence in myself, because of all the hard work I have put in. It feels good to be proud of an achievement for once. It really is a feeling I've never had.

I think that in so many ways life is a journey, and we learn as go. There are times where the terrain is difficult to navigate, and easier times seem to be never on the horizon. Right now I am in a state of feeling as if it is all coming together. I am feeling confident, and ready to tackle things with a renewed sense of vigor.

Bring it on life. I am ready! :)

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