In My Head

Sometimes I catch myself in a daze, and realize that I have been standing, or sitting in the same position frozen, and staring off into nowhere. Seconds, or perhaps even as much as a couple of minutes have gone by, but that is unknown to me as I was somewhere else.

This has been the case for as long as I can remember. I am always thinking, and can easily disappear into my mind thinking about this or that. There are endless thoughts to ponder, and situations to think about for me. I can think, and think on my own for hours with little boredom. I don't need a lot of outside input to entertain me, and am perfectly happy pursuing my day on my own.

Though, I do like to be around people, sometimes.The times that I am in groups with others I am typically on the sidelines. I'm not much for a lot of back, and forth talk. I am an observer. I am always watching, and analyzing. I am an avid people watcher, and much of what I have figured out about the way people behave is by carefully studying them. Since social behavior is such a mystery to me anyway I tend to just kick back in most social situations, and take mental notes. After doing so for so many years I have a pretty good catalog of human behavior to draw from when figuring out people's character, and intentions. I have been around so many different types of people, and situations. Some would be considered unsavory by many, but then that is a part of the process of really understanding people for me.  One has to remove the personal judgement, and be able to ask why others do what they do. I don't distinguish other's behavior as right, or wrong. Instead I am more interested in what motivates them to do what they do. Why do they make the choices they do? Why do they feel the way they do?


I have noticed that people tend to lend each other energy when in groups. It's like each individual person puts in energy, and the more people that are there to receive it the more it grows. I find this to be an interesting concept, because when I participate in group (or really any) social situations my energy is zapped away. I don't get the feeling that others who are perhaps more extroverted than I am feed off of my energy, either. It's like there is a frequency disconnect that we just never meet up, and exchange anything. There is a miss, and very little hit. This used to bother my quite a lot, but doesn't as much anymore. My odd frequency isn't always able to be received by many, or even most, but when I do meet the small fraction of people that I match up with it is an amazing relationship, even though they are very, very rare. My stranger frequency says nothing about my value as a person.

It seems others like me are in a minority. I wish that wasn't the case. We are happy to be alone quite a lot, but we aren't happy about the judgements others make about it. Being able to pursue my own interests in a quiet, relaxed atmosphere is how I rejuvenate. It's how I recharge, and renew. I am never happier when I know I have a day that I don't have to leave the house. I love having the day to be alone in my own space, even though that doesn't happen often.

I am an overthinker. I have my head in the clouds. Details float around my conscious mind distracting me from seeing the bigger picture, but we can't all be big picture thinkers can we? I might see what others miss. Or hear something important in the silence that others might have covered up with chatting. Sometimes, my thoughts are so loud,and so vivid that I wish I could share them with others. That I could just pull another person inside my being to experience what I know, and to hear what I hear. These typed words are probably going to be the closest thing to that for me. I can never really express what it's like inside of my head, but when another person kind of gets it, when another person crosses my path that has a familiar mind it is like finding the needle in the proverbial haystack.  It's like meeting a friend I used have a long time ago, but lost contact with.